As the title says, I am really really unhappy and depressed. I guess I should start by saying that I went to a really macho high school; it has left me with a multitude of psychological problems. I am getting the same type of therapy that kids from street gangs receive to decompress from the traumatic events I experienced in my youth. TRP was a natural place for me to go after being exposed to so much 'toxic masculinity' - after being called a bitch for so long by so many 'alpha male' thugs, it is really easy to hate people who actually have vaginas.

The thing is, TRP makes me miserable. I don't think that I would be happy sleeping with lots of women. The single life is also really depressing - I'm trying to make my life more bearable with all the mental health services I receive, but honestly I just want to 'find somebody to love.' I feel like I have a lot of love to give, and I want to be a good person. I've been having a lot of suicidal ideation and not talking about it is killing me. I chain smoke with the express intention of giving myself lung cancer so I can escape from this world.

Help me.