Preface:

This post is aimed at those going through a difficult breakup. I think it's necessary after scanning askTRP for the past few months and talking to some guys I know who struggled or are struggling. No theory involved here, but it’s a very serious topic, as breakups can cause even otherwise strong men to do irrational things and seriously fuck up their lives. I’m going to break this into two parts. One is my story, because it enormously helped me to read about other going through the same thing and pulling themselves out; and part two is actionable steps you can take to dig yourself out of depression after a breakup. If you’ve been through this, don’t want to read another case of oneitis and depression, or don’t care, skip part 1 or this post entirely. I didn’t think it would ever happen to me though, and if I read this a year ago, I’d be the first to call myself a pussy and puke over how soft I was.

Introduction:

I’ve been here on TRP over three years, studied game, psychology, and intersexual dynamics for about eight, but a breakup 8 months ago still brought me to my knees. It’s happened to better men than you and I. It’s a story as old as time. Women have a way of making even the strongest men feel like putting their head in a blender. Everybody gets AWALTed. It happened to Mystery, RSDTyler, Patrice, and Dante, and if you’re RP-aware, I’m sure you’ve heard stories of men who did serious damage to themselves and others over a case of oneitis. Everybody has breakups, but it’s up to you how you handle it and come back from it. I’m writing this because most guides online (trust me, I’ve read them all) don’t look at breakups through a redpill lens, or revolve around getting your ex back. Fuck that. Iron Rule #7.

Body 1:

I found TRP in my third year of university. I always had some success with chicks, despite being short and a beta with alpha tendencies. The sidebar, constitution, and recommended books taught me how to keep them coming back and solidify my social circle with me at the helm. 6 months after stumbling here, I had a rotation. I started sleeping with one girl on my campus who seemed like the perfect girl from a good family. All green flags (in my naive view). Plated her, then upgraded her to LTR after 5 or so months of impeccable behavior. She’d buy me and my friends pizza when we were watching football, drop anything and skip lectures to fuck me, etc. all seemed great. I am a huge narcissist, and she’s bpd of the “favorite person” variety, so we were crack cocaine to each other. A match made in Hell. She wanted to spend every minute of the day together, and my ego soaked up every second of it. If I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night, she’d tell me how much she missed me while I was gone. I probably received over 50 “I love you” texts a day - hardly reciprocated.

This continued after graduation. My friends liked her, her friends liked me, and we had no reason not to spend every free minute together, so we did. She would do anything to see me as often as possible. It made me feel like an absolute pimp. A hot girl that would wake me up with head every morning, spend daddy’s money on me, and worship the ground I walked on. Everything was on the table sexually. I could tell her to leave work early, go buy lingerie, and wait on her knees in it by the door for me, and she would be happy to do it. You get the picture.

I figured it was my red-pilled knowledge. Everything the ECs and Vanguards talk about here seemed within reach, and I had the cheat codes. Then, a very predictable thing happened: I stopped doing all the things that made me attractive. I lost touch with my boys. I skipped the gym to eat take-out and watch Netflix with her. A story as old as time.

I could still sail through shit and comfort tests, was still fucking her like a sex god 3-8 times a day, and was on my grind. She kept up the act for the most part, but the power started to shift. My gut was off. I would sneak on her phone while she was sleeping and see her texting other guys that were never mentioned. Lunch with “friends”. I knew all women were going to AWALT to some degree, so I wrote it off and did my own thing, ready to end it at a moment’s notice. I won’t go into too much detail for doxxing’s sake, but I could tell she had the tingles for a guy she worked with, and read a text conversation with her friend about her conflicting feelings for me and him. We were fighting often about nothing. She most likely didn’t cheat yet, but I saw the writing on the wall, and ended it after 2 years.

With all my red-pilled knowledge, I figured I’d be able to take it on the chin, lift, fuck other women, and move forward. I knew the drill. I blocked her everywhere and went and fucked a few girls on the back burner in the following weeks. She would drunk email me gibberish, begging for me back. I answered one night, called her and told her shortly it was never going to happen. She blocked me everywhere immediately. My relief started to turn into loneliness, and I reached out. Was ignored. A month later I tried again, but was told in so many words to go to hell. I started to slowly go crazy. I’d check my phone at all hours of the day, hoping she would text, but nothing. Two months after the breakup, I couldn’t eat or sleep. Everything I ate came immediately back up. Lost 15 pounds, including a lot of muscle. Slept with a few girls, but that made me feel worse. I became a fucking basket case, tortured by the emptiness of it all.

I devoured every resource on how to move on or get her back. Nothing worked. Doctors thought I had a kidney issue, but couldn’t find anything. I went on anti-depressants, tried everything in the book, but I could hardly get off the couch. If I tried to socialize, I only felt the absence of her. I was a fucking zombie. Nobody wanted to spend time with me. I wasn’t invited to anything all summer. I moved back in with my parents at 25. Felt like a fucking loser. Considered ending it. Everything reminded me of her. Can’t even describe what the pits of depression feel like. I tried to rationalize it, but nothing worked, knowing that the Light Switch Effect and Briffault’s Law explained everything just made me feel like more of a pussy. It was like a nuclear bomb went off, but everybody was just carrying on as if nothing happened. I can’t accurately tell you how long it took for me to move on, as it came and went in waves, but I was able to climb out and build my life up better than it was before. After a few months of grinding, and screwing my head on straight, I built a rotation of new plates, found new hobbies, have a better relationship with myself, my friends, and family, and I’m on a far better life trajectory than I ever was before or during the relationship.

Body 2:

Red pill wisdom following breakups tells you that you should man up, lift, spin plates, and move on with no contact. That is exactly what you should do, but I understand how difficult it can be to see the forest for the trees when you feel like your whole world is crashing down. The blue pill tells you to get closure, make a gesture to work it out, go no contact for 60 days, or be friends with her; something to that effect. You know that won’t lead anywhere that’s healthy for you. Your mileage will vary based on your level of attachment and investment in this girl, but you will go through some form of the stages of grief. Moving on occurs when you abandon all hope or expectation of her coming back, and your life is better without her than with her. Ultimately, time is your best friend, and you need to stack small wins to build your life back up and come out stronger.

Warning: What will happen if you get back with her also varies by circumstance, but none of it favors you. If you dumped her (which is a massive DHV and will probably make her chase you), she will always remember how you hurt her feelings and resent you. The fights will continue, and the reasons you broke up with her will still be present and increase exponentially. If she dumped you, she sees you as weak, and will walk all over you if you get back together with her. You will always remember how she lied to you. If she tested the waters and saw the grass wasn’t greener, you know she doesn’t value you. It will never be as good as it once was, and the person you thought you knew, is dead, or actually, never existed.

The power of the hamster is unfathomable to your logical brain, so never try to rationalize her behavior. You can’t. After a break up, it ramps up to warp speed. The hamster will go on a full PR tour to her friends and family, and you’re always the asshole. You'll get the "abusive and controlling label", or "aren't enough of a man". She will get as many sympathy points as she can. You don’t have the luxury of appearing weak and playing victim. You can most likely say goodbye forever to any mutual friends you had. Cut your losses here and focus on yourself.

I have studied countless guides on the internet and talked to many men, so I have some knowledge on what works and what doesn’t to shorten your stay in each of the stages. Your ultimate goal is accepting that it’s over and bettering yourself.

  1. As soon as you can after a break up, cut all contact. Before the reality sets in, block her and her friends on every platform. Delete pictures. As soon as you collect yourself, put everything that could possibly remind you of her away out of sight, preferably in a box altogether. Have your friends exchange things or make other arrangements. Don’t meet face-to-face. Ignore everything that doesn’t involve getting your things back. Be prepared to not get them back if you think she's using it as an excuse to meet with you. Always keep in mind why it ended and be firm. Fall back to family and friends you can trust. If you have kids or shared assets, you want to keep things strictly business and work for the best possible outcome. Don’t engage in pleasantries, arguments, or mind games. For the love of god, don’t drive by her house, work, or places you know she’ll be. You will look back at everything you do in an emotional state post-breakup and cringe later on. Just resist.

  2. Do not play games. Resist the urge to post yourself having a good time with other girls, or of having a great time without her, no matter what she’s doing. You want to appear as composed and non-reactive as possible. Carry on business as usual as best you can. If you have a class or something similar together, interact as little as possible, and remain composed. Don’t post memes about moving on, or personal growth, or any of that bullshit.

  3. Get an old-fashioned pen and paper and start a journal. Write down everything. The texts you want to send, the apologies, the arguments, how much you miss her, twisted thoughts, what you loved and hated about her, absolutely everything. Get it all out. This is crucial. Don’t let anything fester. If you need to talk to someone to get something off your chest, do it. It’s natural and healthy, but you do not want to constantly be talking about her or the breakup. You look pathetic and will cringe later.

  4. Keep yourself as busy as possible. Find new hobbies, preferably with other people. Thoughts creep in when you’re alone or inactive. Join a new group and meet as many new people as possible. I found it helpful to build things, do yardwork, or other masculine things like working on my car or fishing. Avoid video games and other cheap media. Stay off social media totally for a bit. Get out into the real world with real people. Martial arts, a Lego set, or a new musical instrument are all better alternatives than video games or Netflix. If you have a hobby or passion, dive into it full hog. A half hour on the heavy bag is extremely useful in getting anger out.

  5. Pop culture and media are inundated with BP fantasies of love, romance, and heartbreak. Avoid as much as possible. As much as you know better, one trigger could send you spiraling backwards. Listen to instrumentals or audiobooks. Even metal and hip-hop have blue-pill lyrics. Also avoid Red pill and MGTOW rage porn. You want to stay positive, and this type of shit can jade you. There’s great information on the manosphere, but some of it is seriously incel and toxic.

  6. If you’re having physical symptoms, understand that you are actually having withdrawals of oxytocin, dopamine, and other chemicals. In an evo-psych sense, men survive based on their status in the tribe, and you are experiencing what your subconscious interprets as a rejection by the tribe. First, you need to treat the symptoms. Then address the root cause.

  • If you’re not eating, stick to the BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce, toast). You can buy smoothies or shakes at your pharmacy or make them yourself. A shake with banana, milk, protein powder or mass gainer, and peanut butter has a lot of calories. Take a multivitamin and hit your calories. Stay as hydrated as possible. Pedialite and Gatorade have electrolytes that will make you feel better. If you can eat, don’t eat garbage.
  • If you’re not sleeping, physically tire yourself out. If you don’t have it in you to lift yet, run or cycle. Small steps in this category if you need to. Don’t push yourself and black out or hurt yourself with heavy weights and shitty form. Eventually you’ll get back to where you were. Getting outside into nature with sunlight and fresh air is amazing at fighting depression. You need to re-connect with your own body. If you can meditate, do it, if not, just journal your ass off.
  • Don’t be afraid to take brief a step back from work or school or responsibilities to get yourself right. You won’t be effective if you’re in shambles, and you can hurt your standing with poor performance. Make this as temporary as possible. I can’t speak to the efficacy of therapists, but I have a friend who swears by them, and some are quite effective at helping people deal with trauma.
  • I was on anti-depressants for a bit, SSRIs specifically. I really don’t recommend. They temporarily make you feel better, but they will not un-fuck your brain. It’s super easy to get hooked and dependent on them. To me, it’s putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound, and you really aren’t depressed in a clinical sense. It’s better to work through this yourself. If your doctor prescribes them to you and you do take them, don’t make it public. People survived breakups and separation before modern medicine.
  • Get back into places where you have status. Sports teams, volunteer, social groups, whatever. I spent a shit ton of time with my dad and his friends, and it was nice to just be a son again, instead of the leader of my social group or relationship. Be around strong leaders and masculine men as much as possible.
  1. If you’re used to always having someone to talk to, find a replacement. Hit up that girl you used to orbit, or random girls on swipe apps. Talk about pointless shit like how your day is going, or funny things that happen during your day. You don’t want to fuck these girls, just establish a relationship with someone to talk to all the time. This is girl territory, don’t bother your boys with this garbage.

  2. You’re likely starving for intimacy. On a basic level, human contact is extremely comforting, which is why mothers hold babies as much as they do. Hug your relatives. Shake hands with people. Physically touch other people as much as you can, but don’t make it weird, obviously. If you’re emotional, take a hot shower. I don’t know why, but I found it comforting.

  3. Get out and start gaming other girls ASAP. Get your physical needs met. Remind yourself that you’re still attractive to the opposite sex. Lower your standards if you need to for the moment. Flirting, kissing, sex, whatever with other girls will be weird at first, and might feel empty, but it’s better than the alternative. This will be weird if you’ve been out of the game for a while, but dive in. Have fun. I found that rejection didn’t really sting much because I already felt like shit, and I was just throwing darts, but I had been somewhat experienced in game so YMMV. It was incredibly helpful to me to bring new girls on dates to places I used to frequent with my ex. It helped me dissociate those places with her. I wouldn’t recommend hopping right into another relationship. Do your own thing and play the field for a while. Have fun without commitments.

  4. Establish a routine. Plan out most of your day and start waking up and going to bed at the same time. Get your circadian rhythm on track. Plan out healthy meals and exercise. Block out time for hobbies, reading, and journaling. If your brain is fucked, you’ll forget things, so write them down. Make a to-do list of things you absolutely have to do on your phone and attack it when you have a free second. Don’t idle. Ever.

  5. Avoid alcohol and drugs. This is huge. They’re not just horrible for your health, but you’ll absolutely do something you’ll regret when you’re not in control. You could be extremely fragile and do something that will seriously fuck up your life. At the very least you’ll probably pour your heart out to her or someone that doesn’t give a shit. It will also bring up those emotions you’re fighting back. I went on a date with a tinder girl a few months back, and she played me voicemails that her drunk ex would send her every Friday. Stuff that made my skin crawl. Crying, begging, pleading, etc. She was laughing and proud of them. Don’t be that guy.

  6. Change everything you have immediate control over. Change the wallpaper on your phone, your ringtone, re-arrange the furniture in your room, vacuum your car. Cleaning is mindless and therapeutic. Buy yourself something that will impact your day-to-day. Even stuff that seems pointless. Change them and your life will feel fresh. Side note that must be said if you’re really in the dumps: don’t forget your hygiene. Shower, brush your teeth, cut your hair and shave. Wear deodorant and dress well. You will feel better if you’re presenting better. I had a period where I wore sweatpants far too often for comfort, but I really felt better about myself if I put effort into my appearance. I really saw how differently people treat you when you look like you have it together vs. when you clearly don’t.

  7. Entertain no thoughts of getting your ex back. Don’t look up guides on getting her back. They all say just go no contact and she’ll come back, or she’ll come back when she thinks you’ve moved on. Fuck that. Go no contact forever. Improve yourself and land hotter chicks for yourself. Not to prove a point, or for the purpose of making her jealous to get her back. Don’t look at your horoscope to see what this month has in store for you. Your brain will play tricks on you. The girl at Starbucks who has the same name, or her car model next to yours at a red light isn’t the law of attraction. It’s your RAS paying attention to things it wouldn’t have before. Cut that shit out.

  8. When you have momentum going in the right direction, hold a ceremony where you "burn down" your old life. That box of her shit? Your cringeworthy journal? Burn it or dispose of it in a way that you can never get it back. I threw the box away in a dumpster down the street. Get rid of absolutely everything. Pictures, letters, the key to her apartment, do not hold on to anything. I cheated hard here and held onto things for far longer than I should have. Don’t be me. You’re only hurting yourself.

  9. Man the fuck up, spin plates, lift, and move on.

Conclusion:

Ultimately nip this in the bud as soon as you can. If you fuck up, forget it and do everything else right moving forward. Get on the right path and move on as a red pilled man. After a while, emotions subside. You’ll look back at how stupid you were, and how everything makes sense with a red pill lens on. She was not unique and special. She farted and shit and smelled bad after the gym. You can and will replace her with better and more. If you did it once, you can do it better next time with the knowledge and experience you’ve gained. You were fine before her, and you are fine without her. You’re only fighting yourself. Do a post-op where you analyze your mistakes, and don't make them again. All relationships end, and your turn is now over. Find or get back on your purpose. Set and crush goals. Start small at first, and stack every win you can. Eventually you'll enjoy the amount of freedom you now have. Good luck