Hello, 19 year old, long time lurker of this form. I was raised Catholic, but can't say I ever took it seriously, despite dreams I had as a younger teenager that encouraged me to do so. Over the past year, I have been on an Internet truth-seeking journey to discover truths about the world, the government, and most importantly, spirituality. I have been watching testimonials and listening to preachers and gurus of both Christianity and New Age beliefs, and I am stuck in a lukewarm spot between the two. I listen to everything from hardcore Christian preachers like Marcus Rogers, and I wholeheartedly agree with everything he says. But also I have always been into fringe/new age topics, so I find myself listening to David Wilcock's talks of Ascension, and other spiritual gurus like Teal Swan. I was able to come up with a lot of Red Pill truths regarding female nature on my own, with first brought me to r/MGTOW, then to r/Braincels, but only briefly (it's ironic that for 2 weeks I believed I was an Incel just by reading stuff off the internet, because I am over 6 feet, not even a virgin, and have never had a problem getting with women. Amazing what reading such filth will do to you). And I eventually came here.

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I would love to help in the spiritual mission of bringing others to Christ in the future, but the problem is I don't even fully believe all the stuff. IN 2017, I remember saying to a friend that I'd believe in the Christian God under a certain set of circumstances, then those circumstances came to pass. I also 100% believe if we all followed God's law our society would be much better, more peaceful, and more harmonious. But the problem is I only believe that intellectually. I've come to the conclusion that I have no faith. This also make me struggle with sexual sin, lying, and extreme laziness, as when I do these things, I do not necessarily feel bad, so any repentance is only intellectual and not from a feeling of true sorrow. It's only like "I know I shouldn't be doing this", not "I feel so sorry". I also find myself gravitating towards New Age beliefs, because although Christianity makes more sense to me in practice, New Age believes, admittedly, make more esoteric sense to me, in that the mythology makes more sense to me and how the universe works, from their point of view. But also from their point of view, Jesus was not God, so you see how that directly contradicts Christianity. The problem is I am stuck in between two belief systems, and I do not fully believe in either one of them. I lack faith, and faith is a fruit of the spirit. How do I receive the gift of faith, to truly believe in Christianity, because I do not believe it is something I can intellectually convince myself to do. Does it just come down to reading the Bible and praying more? Because admittedly, I hardly do any of those things.

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Also, a side note, I have resentment towards women now. Not towards specific women in my life, for most of my life, most of my friends were women and I still get along with and love the ones in my life, well most of them. It's moreso the idea of women that I resent. Because, as I said, I started intellectually discovering red pill truths a while ago. These are just things I noticed, not something that others had to tell me, for the most part. For example, I understood the concept of social proof since I was 13, I remember being in 9th grade explaining to my friend that if he wanted girls to like him he just had to prove to girls that other girls already liked him. After I got to college, I started understanding deeper, more important truths, such as the fact that women do not love the same as men. These truths didn't bother me, until I got falsely accused of sexual assault and very nearly got into very serious trouble, and lost a lot of friends. After that I saw how quickly so many girls went from being in love with me and screaming about how I was their best friend, to making me out to be some kind of sexual predator without even consulting me, while most of my male friends didn't do that. I saw hypergamy in action, as one girl who I perceived myself as close to had literally explained to me very hypergamous reasons why she had attached herself to me, and I saw that most girls saw me as a tool to use for their own social advancement, and not a real person. It made me resent the idea of women, not so much the actual women in my life. So, I guess the question is, how do I get over this as well? (Will delete this post later, for identity issues)