What to do about boundaries being crossed?

Willow-girl · 2019-04-08T01:43:03+00:00

This makes some sense as she's been telling me everything she's purchased for fun (I didn't ask her to, but appreciate it), and things I don't get info on I've asked about. But... that's obviously not a good situation to be in.

Yeah, this is weird and awkward. An adult shouldn't have to account to their spouse if they went out to lunch with the guys/girls or threw $10 into the kitty for a co-worker's wedding/baby/bereavement/birthday fund.

How about you allocate a certain amount of discretionary money (every week, month, or paycheck) to each of you and you can each spend that money as you see fit? Make it a line item in the budget. If either of you goes over budget, you get less money in the next cycle(s) (however long it takes to balance out the overage). Or (even easier to keep track of) you get your discretionary funds in cash, and when it's gone, discretionary spending ends until the next payday (or whatever).

g_e_m_anscombe · 2019-04-08T04:25:52+00:00

Don’t set boundaries you aren’t willing to keep.

If you set a bad boundary before (e.g. one that is too paternalistic and feels stupid to enforce), then have a discussion to set a more reasonable boundary.

Don’t make the same mistake twice. Be more careful next time around with the boundaries you set.

4percent3381 · 2019-04-08T02:54:43+00:00

You need to lead, i.e. motivate her to a shared purpose. Motivation requires vision of a better situation.

Don’t just give her abstract rules. The medium of her ignoring means she’s not committed. Get her motivated first, little steps, help her dream of the goal with you.

Don’t go Rambo, don’t talk about rules. Don’t talk about trust because you both know those are your empty threats.

She said she’s sorry, is that because you’re pissed or because she stepped off the path to reaching the goal?

Remember, the first rule of shit tests is not to get angry ;) PS - how much in control are you if a little girls shopping breaks your bank and causes your to stress and forget everything you read from red pill??

WarriorJesus1915 · 2019-04-08T03:11:57+00:00

Discretionary cash is a good idea. And the parent-child dynamic doesn't have to be weird. It's only weird if you make it weird, so if you think it's weird or give off an uneasy vibe it's going to make her feel that way. A woman is a reflection of her husband. You should have used agree and amplify or if you had the mindset of Amused Mastery you could have said something witty that would have let her know that the dynamic is okay and even amusing. Not something to worry about.

Rollo tomassi talks about how his wife asks him for permission to spend money. Again, it's not a weird thing, only if you make it a weird thing. Asking permission clearly is a sign of the authority structure in the relationship and it's definitely countercultural, especially with feminism, so I can see how it would be weird for you guys at first.

After the overage is balanced out over the course of time, go ahead and give her some cash discretionary money if that's what you want to do. If she brings up the parent-child dynamic again poke fun at her like you would if your little sister was bugging you.

Deep_Strength · 2019-04-08T19:53:15+00:00

If someone is lacking in self control, especially in a certain area, you likely need to move to stricter boundaries with less oversight. Thankfully, financial institutions have a good way to do this:

Remove all credit cards
Have a certain amount of discretionary money put into a checking account every month (can do joint or have one for each of the husband and wife if you want to make things "fair").
Only debit card is allowed to be used. On the other hand, money in cash can work too.
If you two decide there is a "special occasion" perhaps a bit more money can be added
Freeze both of your credit so no new accounts can be opened

Each spouse can spend their checking account money anyway they want, and the debit card will bounce if they overspend.

Credit cards should only be used for household bills, including yourself, so you can lead by example.

She said to me that our relationship doesn't feel like husband/wife anymore but parent/child. This makes some sense as she's been telling me everything she's purchased for fun (I didn't ask her to, but appreciate it), and things I don't get info on I've asked about. But... that's obviously not a good situation to be in.

You can say something like this:

"If I had a problem with alcohol or other vices, wouldn't you want me to keep you informed so you didn't have to worry about it? I don't require you to tell me everything you're purchasing, but trust is earned. Currently, there isn't a good track record of trust, so we have to continue to work on this until the issues are solved.

If it requires getting into the small details about our lives with each other, that's helping to build the trust and confidence in each other. As Jesus said... Luke 16:10 10 “He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much; and he who is unrighteous in a very little thing is unrighteous also in much."

Jalakee · 2019-04-08T13:04:05+00:00

Not sure if you do this but have separate checking accounts for free spending. If she overspends, not your problem.

Title	What to do about boundaries being crossed?
Author	EastThenWest
Upvotes	6
Comments	11
Date	April 8, 2019 1:16 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/banmot/what_to_do_about_boundaries_being_crossed/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/what-to-do-about-boundaries-being-crossed.301341 https://theredarchive.com/post/301341