Male in mid 20's. Currently trapped in Faith Purgatory. I feel that my peers are only unconsciously afraid of death, while I am consciously haunted by the concept of death. I don't want to die, because If I am not a "True" Christian I will suffer perpetually in Hell. Conversely I want to live, take risks and physically dangerous adventures, only in theory though. While in fact when the opportunity presents itself, I don't want to because it threatens my life with death. This leads to my subconscious thought process as follows; avoid conflict in order to maximize chances of self-preservation and the possibility of death. I understand that this is irrational due to the fact that Death is inevitable. In other words, I am a giant pussy. The action of death is not what I am afraid of, it is the outcome. Heaven vs. Hell outcome. This is having a significant impact on my growth and development as a strong male leader and mental well-being (Regardless, Christian or Not). I was raised in a Christian home and Church, but it never really clicked for me. Most of the time, I feel like I am keeping my "faith" up to please people and family around me that are devout Christians. It sucks, I feel like I am walking around with a Ball and Chain around my feet. Personally, I am only clinging on to Christianity because it was drilled into my head as a child that Christianity was the way. The mental imprint I made was that if I did not believe I would suffer. Christian = Life. Non-Christian = Hell (Far worse than death, because it is eternal). I am only believing as a safety net for Death. It was like I experienced the Church's version of Scared Straight. I tried to just shove this into the recesses of my mind early on in my life, but the gene always finds a way out of the bottle. I know this is not the honorable or proper way to believe, but right now I am just stuck in Limbo, I don't know what to do. I want closure. I don't care if I walk away from Faith (although right now I will always feel that I will go to hell for this) or start truly believing as long as I can end this mental paralysis. I would appreciate any and all RP advice from this community. I would like some Man to Man advice that is not sugar-coated.