I am going to start by explaining my situation, and then follow it up with my current game plan, and I’m asking you guys for direction in creating or tweaking this game plan. I am so far behind and I have so much to learn, it’s tough to know what to do and what order to do it in. Thanks guys, I have no one in life to talk to about this stuff, so I apologize as this is a bit long.

MY SITUATION

General: I’m 27 years old and I became Red Pill Aware about 6 months ago. Dad is very beta. While I am Red Pill Aware I constantly catch myself in a Blue Pill mindset.

Stats: 27 years old, 6 feet, 140 lbs. I have an average looking face. I’m very skinny/bony with bad posture - pics here: https://imgur.com/a/WM9unGL

Reading: I’m working through the RP sidebar content. I’ve read The Rational Male 1 and 2, currently reading The Book of Pook and Game by Roosh.

Finances: I spent the last 6 years of my life studying theology to become a pastor, all while working 40 hours a week at a minimum wage job. I have 2 master’s degrees in theology and writing. But due to significant struggles with deep depression, anxiety, and spiritual doubts, I decided to stop pursing ministry. That said, as far as my career goes I am now zeroed out. I am now 27 years old, moved back into my parents' home, mowing lawns to make ends meet, with about 12k in debt. Needless to say, this is a terrifying position to be in.

Spiritual: I am so alienated from God I cannot begin to describe it. It makes me nauseous. I have essentially lost my faith, but I’m desperately trying to hold on. I still go to church, but I really don’t like it due to the effeminacy. I don’t find much encouragement at all from reading the Bible and I’m constantly questioning if Christianity is even true. Every morning I take a walk and listen to 2 chapters of the Bible and then pray for about 3 minutes. That’s the extent of my devotions. I used to read and pray way more than this. I just no longer believe that my prayers matter. I’ve prayed consistently to God for the past 6 years of my life for help and direction with my problems, yet here I am with my life in shambles. I don’t know how to make myself believe like I once did. Is faith a gift that God just gives to some people, or am I supposed to do something to make myself believe? I essentially live in a state of nihilism. Still, I try to thank God every day for the things I do have. I don’t want to be someone who blames God and gets angry at Him. But I am so disheartened in this area and I have no idea how I can fix it. It’s not just a question of “Am I saved?” but “Is Christianity true in the first place?”

Mental Health: I struggle with major depression, OCD, insomnia, anxiety, and I believe most of this stems from my blue-pill conditioning. Becoming red-pill aware has only exacerbated this depression as I realize how far behind I am. I struggle with despair, rage, and bitterness inside, and I often think it’s only a matter of time until I end my own life.

Social Skills / Game:

  • Social Circle: I had a very small group of friends in my previous city, but it was all guys my age. Since moving back home, I have literally no friends and no social circle. I mean zero. I do force myself to introduce myself to people at church. But it is almost always guys and it’s just basic small talk that usually fizzles out into silence because I just don’t have much to say.
  • Girls: I have had about 3 girls interested in me in the past, but they were all 3-4s and I just wasn’t attracted. I’ve asked a total of 4 girls out in the last 2 years, but they all said no. The first girl I asked out thought I was too skinny. I have never been on a date. But really, I rarely ever talk to girls. This last Sunday at church was an exception where I saw a girl sitting alone and just sat next to her and started a conversation. This was a big step for me, something I’ve never done before. The conversation went well. I typically do good with conversations in a 1 on 1 setting. But the conversation stayed around basic stuff like school, career, etc.

Porn and Masturbation: I look at porn about once a month, so I guess that’s rare for most guys. But I masturbate about 2 times a week. I have tried sooo many times to do NoFap but never make it past 7-10 days. I have constant brain-fog and low energy. This is so incredibly tough for me because I’m a 27 year old virgin and sexual desire is consuming me. When you add the fact that I’ve never dated before and have no dating prospects (scarcity), my desperation compounds as I believe I will never get married. I catch myself daydreaming sexually all the time. I find myself getting angry that I “missed out” on the college party days. I used to just look at typical porn with 1 man and 1 woman, because that’s what I wanted. But now my porn interests are centered around college parties. I don’t know how to fix this, and I often worry that if I do happen to get better with social skills and girls become interested in me, I would start fornicating. So I worry that I’m not even a Christian.

MY GAME PLAN

Appearance: I’m doing StrongLifts (120 squat, 100 bench, 130 DL) and trying to eat 3,000 calories / day. I’d like to reach at least 160 lb before I consider approaching girls I like.

Finances: I’m also teaching myself Web Development and Copywriting, trying my best to spend 8 hours a day doing this. My desire is to become a freelance Web Designer/Copywriter, though I don’t know how long this will take.

Reading: Continue reading and re-reading RP material, especially Rollo Tomassi, Illimitable Men, Pook.

Social Skills: This is my biggest hangup. I’m just not a charming person. I’m introverted and really don’t have much to say. I’m not quick or witty. I don’t see the point of me doing any sort of “Day Game” at church, or anywhere else for that matter. I am such low SMV (skinny, no career) and I know it. So my plan right now is to learn how to swing dance. There are several group classes in my city. This will force me to get used to approaching girls, and I can do so in an environment where it won’t seem weird if I approach them because I’m expected to approach them. I used to swing dance about a year ago, and it did help me break out of my shell a bit. Obviously, most of the girls I dance with would be non-Christian, but hopefully this would help me gain enough social confidence for when I do meet a conservative Christian girl who I want to talk to more.

Spiritual: I have no idea what to do here. Completely lost. And this is terrifying because I only want to marry a conservative Christian girl, but I wonder if I myself even believe in Christianity.

Porn and Masturbation: as always, I’m going to continue to try NoFap, but I’m not too hopeful I will change.

QUESTIONS:

  1. Do you have any advice about my situation in general? What would you change with this plan?
  2. Should I wait to reach a certain weight, or career status, or age before I start even thinking about dating or approaching women I’m interested in? I say this because being scrawny destroys any confidence I have around girls and I’m so used to my blue-pill mindset that I think dating at this point is dangerous.
  3. Who should I be reading / watching regarding Game/Social Skills? I’ve seen stuff by RSD and read some of Roosh, but don’t know how to apply much of it in a Christian / church setting. Should I keep following these guys or follow someone else?