I'm very familiar with Christianity (and the many varieties of religion and spirituality and ritual, etc...). It's always fascinated me, so I've spent much of my life studying it. I'm very familiar with the red pill as well, though forced myself to stop reading it many years ago due to dissatisfaction with certain tactics and their positive results - or the realization that there is no tactic, really - only one's will which can be driven into another. What made me stop was getting girls to cheat. I realized I was perpetuating the problem that led me there in the first place - dissatisfaction with the lack of consequence or ethical continuity in women. As I've gotten older, experienced the "red pill" life change after being an odd sort of "blue pill", I still see no point in choosing one over the other. I don't understand how anyone can hold faith, or put weight into anything at all.

The Bible is great. What Jesus says makes sense. The Bible's not difficult to navigate, I understand how it's fire spread. But for me to say it is the Truth I wish to espouse inclines me to automatically, perhaps rebelliously, deny it's worth outside of being a sometimes fun Kabbalistic puzzle.

I'm not sure how to explain what I'm asking, or going through. I've read the Aeropagite to Avila, Aquinas to Maimonides, the Zohar to Kukai to Crowley to whoever and whatever I could find. And it all seemed...great. Makes sense. Is that it?

Metaphysically speaking, spiritually, it all resonates with me in that I see how one could grasp it, contain it for a moment, understand it in experience via vision, induce it with prayer or meditation or movement, embody it in ritual, have a knowing-feeling that the interpretation or perception is correct enough to relate to others - however it resonates in that it's something I too can create myself. As others have done before me. It all seems like: yes, this is my experience too.

How does one reconcile having faith in something in and of itself? Couple that certainty, or choice to adhere to a single doctrine and it's interpreters, with the knowledge and experience of what I perceive to be pure emptiness in most humans, and I'm left with yet again myself. Looking at nothing but the same patterns and behaviors repeated to whatever degree, everywhere, always, micro reflecting the macro, and word after word describing, or representing, the same concepts.

I'm not a virgin Christian male looking to find a wife. I've, when mindful enough, practiced certain levels of awareness breeding intentional actions that red pill encourages. Though if I'm honest with myself, with or without redpill I've had no problem meeting women (for non christians - sleeping with women), long term, short term, no term, whether I was an underweight drug addled alcoholic artist brat, or deadlifting 2.37 times my bodyweight with an enviable job title. I say this, I'm not sure why. Oh, because I've found that knowing certain general observable aspects of reality, and acting on them in what ways I'm able, does nothing to alleviate the stark nature of it simply being how it is. And if it is this way, why would I choose one thing (i.e., book, or gods, or path towards self-actualization) over another? Should not my only concern be both immediate and long-term, temporal pleasure? Why God? Why Jesus, specifically? Why that idea? I've read that book so many times and I'm still not convinced there's a way I can accept it without invalidating it. And more than why, how on earth do you even have the confidence to believe in what you are believing? Was it not also taught by man?

Anyways, I'm feeling pretty lost in general. And it's specifically related to the nature of reality, an attempt to understand if I even have the capacity for faith, and whether I want to even explore relationships on any level anymore.

This is not a joke, and is the reason I became somewhat upset about all of it internally today: I was excited about having reccently met what I thought was a legit christian 20 girl ten years younger than me and beyond infatuated with me.

I went to the gym as per usual and showed an ex-felon, african american, recently out of prison, alcoholic, how to use tinder a week ago. When I went to lift today he was so excited to tell me he's been fucking a new girl every day. His profile photo is literally of him walking away from the camera, just his back, and there are no other photos. Very attractive chicks, 21-55, married or single, just meet up with and fuck this ex con, let him film it, take photos, whatever. Suddenly I thought of redpill, the girl I'd been seeing, and how for a moment I almost got caught in a christian fantasy I'd never really had the ability to accept in the first place. Though I see something important in having faith in G-d, and desire to have some level of certainty about it, but I see no benefit beyond it stopping me from looking around.

So, tl;dr: how do you even believe in the new testament god in the first place?