I live in Curitiba. A town in southern Brazil. We have some of the most beautiful women in the world. There was a significant influx of European immigrants here last century. My blood is mostly European, except for a bit of Native American.

Until my early twenties I was a dork. I'm 33 now. At one point I began dressing better, got a better hair cut. The difference with women was night and day. Women began flirting with me. When I was a dork only ugly girls would sometimes flirt with me. Now the ugly girls just get mad at me when they see me, they see me as out of their league. The cute ones often flirt me. Sometimes aggressively. And I'm talking really good-looking women, I'm talking HB7s, HB8s, even HB9s.

It sounds delusional, sure. I couldn't believe it myself when it started happening. But I have my friends and witnesses. I have been called "hot" by American girls on Omegle video chat.

And yet I have only kissed ugly women. Well, there was one pretty girl, I was 26, I made out with her a bit. That was the last time I kissed a woman. I lost my virginity with a prostitute a few years ago.

That's it. That's my sexual history. Hahaha. Sounds dark, doesn't it.

Just came home from the mall. Looking for a new pair of sneakers. Cute employee girl, kinda chubby but really cute, smiles at me, that unmistakable sweet smile girls give you when they find you attractive.

Later I'm getting a small McDonalds's ice-cream cone and the cashier girl, kinda cute, was incredibly nervous when talking to me.

So yeah I'm looking good today. Somedays I look bad and I get no IOIs at all, it's mostly my hair, when it gets greasy it makes me look quite bad. But I'm looking good today.

And then I was walking home, empty downtown streets at night in Brazil, a bit dangerous. I see a woman walking in front of me, blonde, my height (5' 9'''), forgive me for saying this but wonderful legs and booty, those knee-high boots that have become fashionable among non-poor girls.

She gets to the street corner and turns right. I get to the corner and am waiting to cross the street. She turns back, approaches me, gets really close to me, her face within kissing distance. She's younger than I had guessed, early twenties, a HB7 at least, this one was really cute. And she's smiling, almost a beaming smile. She seems happy to see me. She seems into me. I should have tried something. It was almost absurd how near her face was to mine.

But no. She asked for directions to the nearest drugstore, I gave her the directions in my usual emotionless, almost bitter tone, and she said "thank you very much", less bubbly now, and we just walked out separate ways.

I walk the rest of way home feeling a mixture of elation at what almost happened and anger at myself. And this is just one incident out of many similar incidentes throughout my last ten years.

But I'm doing the right thing, right? I'm a Christian. I pray everyday. I try not to sin. I fully believe in every word of the Apostle's Creed. I don't go to church, I'm not a saint, but I'm fairly serious about my Christianity.

I mean yes, I could "channel" my libido into working on myself, looking for a Christian girlfriend and all that. But well, I'm poor. I'm very poor. I messed up when it comes to my career. I dropped out of law school twice. I translate books for a Christian bookstore. Doesn't pay a lot. I'm losing my hair. Soon I won't be good-looking anymore.

If I do manage to get financially succesful in the following years, it will probably be at the expense of my hairline. And when I then get a girl to see me a potential lifelong mate, hopefully while also being attracted to me and not just seeing me as a provider, she will not see my long years of chastity as something very attractive, will she? "Noble", maybe, sure. But we red-pilled men know better, don't we?

I mean, I could be like Roosh at this point. I could have an enviable sexual history at this point if I had only pushed things further with the girls who approached me. I sometimes torture myself thinking about these girls. It's like a really good thing that keeps falling on my lap and I keep rejecting it. As I said, I mostly kissed ugly women. My actual sexual history is really bad. If I told a girl about it she would probably be repulsed.

So yeah there you have it. That's my dillema or whatever you want to call it. I'm just venting. Thanks for reading.