Given a recent conversation, I thought this should be made more public. A while back, as I started implementing various RP procedures in the context of a Christian marriage, I realized that there is a powerful way in which to communicate one's weaknesses.

To be clear, a man should communicate his weaknesses and faults to his wife whenever that weakness/fault affects the relationship. If I have a typo on a document I typed for work, I don't need to communicate this. It has no impact on the relationship. But if I have a habitual pattern of being lazy at work and it affects the family finances, that's the type of thing that I should communicate.

NMMNG makes it clear that we should not hide our weaknesses. That is part of beta strategy, hoping that by hiding our flaws she will see us as more ideal sexual partners. This is nonsense. But the solution is not blindly sobbing before her every time we screw up and asking her forgiveness.

Your Sin is Against God Alone

In Psalm 51:4 David says this interesting thing after committing adultery with Bathsheba and murdering her husband. He says to God, "Against You, You only, have I sinned." That doesn't mean there aren't consequences that affect other humans. It does mean that our identity before God is not dependent on how our actions affect the world around is. It is dependent on how our actions affect our relationship with God. That is the only sin that matters.

To be a bit clearer, in the parable of the unmerciful servant we see that when the Judge has forgiven us of a great debt, we have an obligation to forgive others of their debts too, extending God's forgiveness from our own lives. If my wife is God's servant, then if God has forgiven her of her great debt to him, it's no longer her choice not to forgive me of any wrong I may have done to her, unless (as was the case with the unmerciful servant) she wants her debt to God placed on her head all over again. And if her forgiveness can be assumed, then who should I appeal to for forgiveness? The only one who doesn't have to forgive me is God. Praise be to him that I know he will, for "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins" (1 John 1:9).

Ultimately, whatever wrongs may be done to me or that I might do to others - those wrongs pale in comparison to the debt that each person on the planet owes to God. As a result, if I run over my neighbor's baby, I have certainly committed a heinous crime that affects her greatly, but the crime I have committed affecting her is still less than the debt she owes to God as a sinner standing before him. That baby wasn't hers to begin with - it was God's. If I cut off my neighbor's arm, this is still less of a debt that I owe him than the debt that he owes to God, for he had no right of entitlement to his harm; he only had it because God allowed him to have it.

Any harm I might do to one of God's people is not an offense to them, it is an offense to God. This is because no human has an inherent right to anything except eternal condemnation, for that is the only wage we can demand from our sin. As such, when I harm another, I have merely interfered with what God has done and not what they were entitled to, by any human terms.


The Role of Forgiveness

Why do I say any of this? Because a failure to acknowledge this principle leads to the mistaken conclusion that you require your wife's forgiveness.

It has often been taught, yet so rarely applied, that forgiveness is not about releasing the perpetrator from their wrong; rather, it is about the victim releasing their own bitterness so that they can feel whole again.

If this were not the case, then how would the world function if my internal sense of guilt for my actions were exclusively determined by someone else's choice of whether or not to forgive me? What if I sinned against my brother, followed the entire biblical procedure for reconciling with him, but he refuses to forgive me? If forgiveness were about releasing someone else from their sin, he could hold that power over me - but we know that this is not how it works.

As a former pastor once defined it: Forgiveness is accepting the consequences of someone else's sin and still choosing to love them. This is what Jesus did for us on the cross. He didn't bear our sins and then say, "That sucked! I hate you all for doing that to me!" His response was to love us.

As a practical matter, there is wisdom in changing our pragmatic interactions with those people going forward; but our ability to love them despite our caution around them should be the foundation of our forgiveness.


Validation Seeking

Taking this concept into marriage, how do we address sinning against our wives? Or how do we address telling them about our own internal weaknesses and insecurities? This can easily come off as validation-seeking in at least two different ways.

First: If we maintain a mentality that we need their forgiveness, we are placing them in a position of power and judgment over us. That is, we are seeking the validation of their judgment. This is not consistent with a biblical attitude.

Second: Confessing weakness often implies in the other person a pressure that they must affirm us in the midst of our weakness. If I confess insecurity about my looks, it's implied that she will say, "No, it's okay - you're a very good looking person." If I admit I was wrong for calling her a mean name, it's implied that she will say, "It's okay, I'm over it now. It's not a big deal." No matter what the fault or flaw is, there's an implied, "She must tell me it's okay." This is validation-seeking. You're letting her be the judge of whether or not your behavior is actually acceptable. Even worse, the answer of that judgment is implied by the context of the conversation.

Regardless of which of these (or other) options you fall into, it's not healthy for a marriage if your wife feels like she must be your source of validation. Your validation should come from God alone.


Strength and Humility

So, if it's clear from both biblical and secular sources that we should be confessing our sins and flaws to one another in order to build healthy relationships, how do we do that without sacrificing our position of strength before our wives or our humility?

About 6 months ago I started implementing a process in my marriage that has worked wonderfully. It's quite simple, but for the technically-minded (as I am), it can be broken down into four sections: (1) Admit, (2) Repent, (3) Improve, (4) Involve.

  • Admit: "Honey, I screwed up" or "I realized I've been failing at ..."

  • Repent: "I realize this is wrong/less than Ideal and I don't want to do/be like that anymore."

  • Improve: "To address the problem, I'm going to start doing x, y, and z."

  • Involve: "Making changes like this won't be easy. It would be helpful to me if you could do a and b to facilitate some of the changes I want to make in my life."

In this process you're not peddling for her forgiveness. You're not seeking her validation that your behaviors really weren't all that bad. You're accepting responsibility for your flaws, demonstrating a plan for improvement, and allowing her to fulfill her role as your helper.

To be clear, there is a difference between transparency and vulnerability. Transparency is being open about your flaws, allowing others to see them. Vulnerability is placing yourself in a position where others have the power to hurt you. Transparency alone does not imply vulnerability; but when you invite someone else to participate in your wound or weakness, that makes you vulnerable. Where transparency can have some positive effects on a marriage, vulnerability is significantly more powerful because it allows your wife to fulfill a role that God designed her to fill.


Example

Suppose you're overweight and want to solve that weakness in your life. You've never acknowledged this as a weakness before, but it's pretty obvious to your wife that you need to lose 30+ lbs. Here's how this can go.

  • Bad: "Wife, I'm sorry that I haven't taken care of my body. I know you must find me disgusting. God must be so disappointed in me for not taking care of his temple. It's no wonder you don't want to have sex with me."

Her probable reaction: She'll admit that she sees you as overweight, she'll immediately feel close to you for being transparent about your situation, might even have sex with you that night, and she'll probably console you about your weight and encourage you to do something different. But because you've made her the judge, she's going to expect you to do something in response to her validation or to earn her validation, and if you don't meet the expectations she has on what you should do to fix the problem, she's going to have an even lower view of you than before. After all, it's one thing when a problem is unspoken; it's another thing to admit there's a problem and then not be man enough to do anything about it.

  • Good: "Wife, I've been a fat slob. I know I should be taking better care of my body. After all, I'm God's temple. I'm going to start going to the gym and eating healthier with a goal to lose 5-7 lbs each month. This will be a huge adjustment to our schedules and lifestyle and I'm going to need your support. It would be helpful if you would encourage me to go to the gym on days I don't feel like going and if you would cook meals that would be conducive to my plan to lose weight."

In this second model you're not putting her in a position of judge over you. You have already judged yourself or let God be your judge. You have already set a path that you're going to walk and you're asking her to follow you and help you walk that path. You're also taking away her ability to set expectations over you because you are setting the expectations for yourself and made those expectations clear. You are not obligating yourself to her expectations; rather, you're implying that she must adopt your expectations.

I have had this conversation in other contexts with my wife a little more often than once a month (I'm not perfect and screw up enough to make it worth it). I can attest from first-hand experience that the humility that this displays is a very attractive quality - but even more powerful is the position of strength that humility comes from. This enhanced respect and admiration for me does wonders in the bedroom and also instills in her an eagerness toward being submissive, rather than viewing it as an obligation.


CONCLUSION

When you screw up, remember:

  • There may be practical consequences against your wife, but it is ultimately God's to forgive, not hers. God has promised his forgiveness, but you must make yourself right before him before anything else can happen.

  • When you do feel compelled or have an obligation to confess something to your wife, do not do it in a way that places her in a position of authority over you or of being the one to validate you in the midst of your weakness.

  • When you do communicate your flaws, do it from a position of strength by admitting the issue, repenting of your role in the problem, communicating a plan for fixing the problem, and inviting your wife to help you, as appropriate, as you go forward so that she can live out the role God has designed her to fill.