FR: Crawling back to RP after some struggles, wife kicks me while I am down.

yeahmaybe2 · 2018-01-25T17:36:50+00:00

Do not confide your weakness or doubts or insecurities to her. If you have to talk to someone about these things find a man. You expressed something to her that showed her you were not the man she wants you to be so she punished you for revealing that. She's training you to be a big, strong, silent type, so be that, at least with her.

Red-Curious · 2018-01-25T17:44:53+00:00

I think you're forgetting Hezekiah 3:17 - "Share with the wife of your youth all the secrets of your heart, that you may delight in her all the days of your life."

Seriously, though ... transparency and vulnerability are good things, but there is a limit. When our sins affect someone else negatively, I do believe we have an obligation to confess to them to the degree that such confession can rectify the problem. But we must also remember Psalm 51:4 - "Against you only have I sinned."

No matter the struggle, here's how I conceptualize this:

If the sin doesn't affect her or your relationship with her in any way, you have no duty to confess. Only do so if you think she could help you, bearing in mind that "accountability partners" rarely ever actually solve sin issues and it's usually counter-productive to make your wife your accountability partner.
If it negatively affects her directly or the relationship in anyway:
- Confess the sin itself
- If her behavior contributes to your sin (ex. as a trigger), let her know her role in the situation; if her behavior in this context is also sinful, call it out for what it is
- Let her know the conditions in which your sinfulness is likely to recur
- Take responsibility for the sin itself and how it affects her and the relationship; don't blame her behavior, just let her know that her behavior is a trigger
- Because she is now aware of your situation and her influence and the impact it has on her and the relationship, and that this is an ongoing issue, your obligation in confession is done and does not need to be repeated with each recurrence of the sinful conduct.
If your ongoing sinfulness changes in some way so that it has a new or different impact on her or the relationship, remind her of the issue, let her know of the new information you have on how it's affecting the relationship, and leave it at that
If your ongoing sinfulness doesn't negatively impact her or the relationship, or if any negative impact has already been confessed to her, then at that point it's an issue between you and God

To give an example, here's how this played out during the days I struggled with pornography - especially during the first chunk of the 18 month period of pure denial. I'll keep the same bullet-point format for easy reference.

I knew my pornography struggle was affecting our relationship.
[Condition met]
- "I've been struggling with watching porn and masturbating to it."
- "It's no secret that we have a pretty awful sex life. You've sinned with how sexually denying you are. I've sinned with how I have responded to that."
- "I cannot go without sex for more than a couple days before I'm tempted to find an alternative outlet. Any time we go 48 hours without sex, there's a good chance I'm going to be tempted and fall into sin."
- "I'm not saying this to blame you for my sin. I'm just letting you know where I'm at spiritually. It's still my sin. It's my responsibility. But you do have the ability to help me with this, although I won't force you."
- "I'm not going to keep bringing this up every time I fail. That would only be hurtful. But I do want you to know it's an ongoing issue so that you are not disillusioned by my silence." [The first time I had this conversation she insisted on me re-confessing ever time and I actually did agree (stupidly, I might add). After a few confessions it was obvious that wasn't helping, so I stopped, which led her into a disillusioned state that because I stopped confessing I had also stopped looking at porn. That's why the "I'm not going to keep bringing this up" part is so important. The second time I had this conversation is when I made clear to her that I would not be confessing any further, but that didn't mean the problem had gone away. I insisted that I had no spiritual obligation to confess to her every time and she was unable to find any passage that would compel such confession on a husband's part to his wife.]
At one point I realized that my ongoing struggle with pornography was creating a greater bitterness and hatred for my wife than what I was previously aware and was also causing me to see other women in real life differently, so I re-confessed the sin this way: "As you should already know, I have been struggling with pornography for some time. Your behaviors haven't changed, neither have mine. Again, that's no excuse for my own sinfulness, and you're welcome to get mad at me, but remember the plank and the speck before you speak. Although I've already confessed all of this to you, it's starting to affect me in different ways and I thought you should be aware of those changes. Specifically, I find myself frequently resenting you and wanting to avoid you constantly. I also find myself fantasizing about other women and plotting in my mind how to cheat on you without getting caught. I have never acted on these thoughts, but the temptation is certainly escalating and because my attitude toward you affects our relationship, this needed to be said."
After that iteration of the conversation, there was never anything new, so I never brought it up again. Her behavior didn't change either.

Once I reached that point, I finally came to the realization that, as David concluded, my sin was now between God and me alone. My obligation to my wife was satisfied. Once it was purely an issue between God and me, that's when I felt like I could finally work it out. If it was an issue between God and me and my wife, then her behavior would have been too big of a factor for me to ignore. I wouldn't have been able to focus on myself. So, between God and me, we resolved the issue and the sin is gone - and the ongoing 400-level content (specifically The Lens Illustration) is the means by which I overcame this issue, along with many, many, many other issues I was struggling through.

So, those are my thoughts on confession of sin. If it's not a sin issue, that's just purely a matter of exercising wisdom and discretion: will telling her improve things or make them worse? That's it.

EDIT: To be clear, there is no book of "Hezekiah" - that was a joke.

Willow-girl · 2018-01-25T19:08:48+00:00

Started feeling mildly depressed and this led to more sin. I confide in my wife about this.

Let me guess. Porn? Because yeah, she isn't gonna be happy about that.

It may be productive to review how you got off course so that next time you'll recognize when you're starting to stray from your path. Nip it in the bud before it bites you in the butt!

HobbesTheBrave · 2018-01-25T20:34:48+00:00

If not my wife should I talk to someone or strictly hash it out in prayer?

Don't ever admit weaknesses to women, especially not your wife. As the man is jesus, and the woman is the church, well, would Jesus ever admit weakness? He is strong. Be strong. Look strong.

She married you because you showed yourself to be strong, in the future. If you want her to be angry and vicious towards you, stop being strong, because that's her retaliation towards breaking your marital vows, as she looks at it. She never married someone she wouldn't trust or rely upon. Even if you're sick or whatever, shrug, and talk about how it's merely a flesh-wound. She needs to know that there's a great ROI in feeding you.

Talk to men about problems. Ask women for sandwiches, if you want something from her.

SeamusAwl · 2018-01-30T17:09:20+00:00

Take Solomon's Red Pill advice found in Proverbs 29:11

A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back (NKJV)

Those are not for your wife. God on the other hand will not look at you as less of a man.

[deleted] · 2018-01-25T15:14:10+00:00

Redpill techniques cured your issues.

Falling back into old ways caused a resurgence of your past issues.

It sounds pretty cut-and-dry to me. In what ways does she "kick you while you're down?"

WonderfulEnergy · 2018-01-26T18:50:09+00:00

Could you please elaborate just how she kicked you while being down? What did she say or do?

OsmiumZulu · 2018-01-27T22:42:28+00:00

This post is low quality. You need to provide enough specific detail that responders can give contextual input without fishing it out of you.

What was the issue before RP?
How, specifically, did RP help?
What are the timelines on this, a week, three years?
How did she “kick you” while you were down?
How, exactly, did you relapse?

BornRedy · 2018-01-29T07:55:04+00:00

kick back and kick harder

BluepillProfessor · 2018-02-04T03:27:00+00:00

she kicks me while I am down. I come to realize she normally does this. Have others had this experience?

Yes Brah. Take the Red Pill. This is TFB- Typical Female Behavior.

Do you think such an emphasis had to be put on words like "Helpmate" if it just came naturally?

Women will test you when you are strongest- and weakest. They will take your successes and pop them like a soap buble. They will NOT your cheerleader. They will take your failures and magnify them. They are NOT on your side in the way you have been taught. You should have taken more time to read the book of Proverbs.

Title	FR: Crawling back to RP after some struggles, wife kicks me while I am down.
Author	BornRedy
Upvotes	4
Comments	29
Date	January 25, 2018 3:07 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/7swnln/fr_crawling_back_to_rp_after_some_struggles_wife/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/fr-crawling-back-to-rp-after-some-struggles-wife.302064 https://theredarchive.com/post/302064