I grew up in church as a youth, as a part of a cultic Baptist congregation. We attended church every Sunday morning, every Sunday night, every Wednesday night, and I went to school at the same church 5 days per week.

Rules, regulations, and large lists of things you can't do were shoved down our throats. We eventually left to find another church, where we continued going.

At age 16, I had a gigantic redpill shoved right up my colon. My mother cheated on my father with an alpha male, his co-worker no less, giving him all of the best and dirtiest sex she could handle. My bluepill pops, shattered at her tear-laden confession, bought her flowers and forgave her. Less than one year later, predictably, she cheated with another alpha-male type guy, left all of us, and still lives with her new husband today.

Obviously, I fell away from the church as a result of all of this, and dove into drinking, drugs, and partying headfirst. Unfortunately, I was handed depression, anxiety, and panic as a result, and huge doses of anger towards my mother for destroying our life and exposing me to far too much reality, far too quickly. Full story here, if interested.

Eventually, after finding a good woman and getting married at age 26, my problems came to a head and, out of desperation due to emotional crisis, I joined her church.

There were some good people there who showed me love and cared for me, and still do. When I first joined the church, I was so excited. I was being put to use in the music department, and I was so thrilled to see all of the things God would do in my life, and all of the places He would bring me, and I was so excited for the healing that was to come.

However, over time, it was obvious that I was always a "black sheep" of the church (they are 7th Day Adventists). I didn't always feel like dressing in a suit and tie, I wanted music that had some soul and wasn't putting everyone to sleep, I ate forbidden foods, and had beer and wine when I felt like having some.

Early on, I used to get invited to play drums at different churches, and the ones we visited were always more of the same. I'd be reminded to not play too loud, and be instructed to play drums in a "Godly" way. One time while visiting a church I was even told by the building caretaker that, while playing during an intermission to warm up, "concerned" neighbors called, citing that my drumming sounded "unsabbathy."

Over time, I quit being invited to play at other churches, which I felt pretty down about. Over the years, my excitement waned, and I began resenting going to church. The same boring, tired songs, the youth struggling to stay awake, and prayer and sermons that dragged on and on. I simply no longer have an interest in sitting in a building for 3 straight hours anymore. And the vast majority of the youth, by the way, absolutely hate going to church, and are bored to tears by it.

Add to the feeling that churches appear "feminized," and I simply can't think of good reasons to attend any longer. Getting up in the morning, the wife and I struggling to get all the kids dressed and ready, rushing out the door, and not being able to wait to get home and nap is not my idea of a Sabbath. Is the sabbath not to be a day of rest, where I can simply enjoy living, chill, and do whatever I would like with my family and the possessions I have earned?

When staying home, I now feel as I actually have a true sabbath, and it's great. I study scriptures on my own, I pray and meditate, and come to message boards like this for support in my Christian walk. In all honesty, I wish we could start a "virtual" church; no building required. No tithes necessary to pay light bills, mortgages, or other expenses just to keep up the physical building. No need to wear uncomfortable clothing to "impress" God or others. Imagine if, each week, a charity or a homeless shelter was selected that people could tithe to, where you would directly see your tithes working for good.

As for "church shopping," I don't have much interest in that, either. Every church I've ever played for is always more of the same. One time, I was hired to play drums for a church each Sunday morning, and I was paid $50 per week. After a couple of months, the pastor called me and my co-musician into his office.

To preface, this was one of those churches who placed a huge emphasis on giving, and the pastor even told the congregation "challenge yourself to give more, and you will be blessed financially." He also made sure to let everyone know to "hold your tithes and offerings high in the air for God to see!" An obvious shaming tactic to make sure everyone pried their wallets open.

So we walk into his office, and he tells us "Some folks in the church were concerned that you two were not tithing. Now, I don't mind that you don't, but it doesn't look good overall for the church." I was kind, and agreed to tithe, but all I could think of was how I'm a hired musician, this isn't even our home church, and now we have to tithe off of our pay as well. Funnily enough, there were two services prior to this where I did actually tithe, out of a giving heart and kindness to support the church.

Needless to say, I left.

I'm not even sure the type of church I'd like to visit even exists. I know that, by continuing to not attend my home church, I will once again have visits from members urging us to come back.

Because of all of this, I sometimes feel betrayed by God. I put in years of time and effort, with zeal and excitement, truly believing that this would all lead to something great, and I would experience healing from my mental and emotional issues, as scripture promises. I feel like I've been bullshitted and lied to. Here I am now, worn out from church, tired of hoping for healing that never miraculously came, still dealing with horrid social anxiety and stage fright, and I'm financially broke, after interpreting "the love of money is the root of all evil," and "take no thought for the morrow, God will supply your needs" too literally, leading me to purposely not focus on money at all. As a man with a wife and children, being broke absolutely sucks.

I understand this post is sort of a rant, but I guess I just need some support and guidance, and to figure out if there's anyone else out there who's had this problem, and what they've done about it.