I was insulted badly out of the blue, and can't get over it

VaN__Darkholme · 2019-12-28T12:04:45+00:00

"Meditations" by the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius.
Fuck thots

Stupyyy · 2019-12-28T11:01:03+00:00

Insecure people are throwing jabs at you trying to fill better about themselves shittalking you, just laugh it off.

INNASKILLZ2K18 · 2019-12-28T11:23:53+00:00

Two things.

1) Your boss is a fuckwit. Highly unprofessional.

2) If you can take your emotion and ego out of it, perhaps look at why he said it. Are you justifying a lack of assertiveness and fear of failure as 'sitting and respectfully gleaming knowledge'?

I have a guy like that where I work. We run groups in rehab, pretty fucking important groups with clients.

This guy is a counsellor and never says anything. He told me he is afraid what he wants to say will be wrong.

Now, I don't say it, and in a 'pc' world we have to not hurt feelz. But to me, the guy comes across like a boy. Too afraid to have a voice and contribute anything meaningful.

So, is there some justification in what your director said? Once you get passed the butthurt, can you work on asserting yourself? Try not to be the quite introvert in the corner. They can find a thousand of those. Show some leadership, courage, independence, risk. Masculine traits.

bigkahuna333 · 2019-12-28T11:21:46+00:00

It wasn't handled well by the person to single you out and attempt to humiliate you, but if you don't work closely with them shrug it off and move on, if you work closely with them, write it up noting the people who attended but don't go to HR until you have systematic bullying not just one off hand remark

Greaterbird · 2019-12-28T10:50:49+00:00

First off, go lift until you stop looking like a boy. An unphased guy with balls would throw it back his way, with the risk of getting fired. "You forgot to include yourself, Mark." You are not that guy.

It probably won't be a popular opinion on this sub, but harassment does not belong in the workplace and you may want to talk to HR about this. I'd consider it public humiliation. Document what happened and the witnesses that were there.

genital-love · 2019-12-28T11:01:57+00:00

That's what happens when you don't participate, no one likes the loner. Participate next time, at least ask questions. Show you know what's going on.

flatox · 2019-12-28T12:26:31+00:00

A "king" who has to remind his subjects that he is the king, is no king.

Same goes for being a man.

Rkingpin · 2019-12-28T11:05:50+00:00

*acts passive during a leadership meeting *

gets shocked when he gets called out for having no balls *

I have a tendency to not participate in them. I just sit quietly and respectfully glean knowledge

Your hamstering your lack of assertiveness as "being respectful."

Good luck surviving the corporate environment with that weak mentality.

How about grabbing yourself by the balls and giving your own input like the other guy. Dont forget women in the workplace are still little kids, just little kids with bitch shields.

EddTheEdducator · 2019-12-28T16:07:45+00:00

You lift, you stop fapping, you box, you hunt, you do whatever is necessary for you boost your aggression/assertiveness. You start taking an active role in everything you do, show these people you’re competent.

Secondly, this whole laugh or shrug it off shit is bullshit, next time you don’t crack a damn smile. I understand that theres not much you can do since he was higher than you In hierarchy. BUT in my opinion the correct response was to look at the guy dead in his eyes with a straight face, and you look at him until everyone was done laughing, you look at him dead in the eye with a cold stare until the room is filled with tension.

MasterRoshi21 · 2019-12-28T16:10:05+00:00

I would have tried to agree and amplify, made some joke about child labor exploitation

Max-Powers3 · 2019-12-28T18:50:15+00:00

You can always keep a dry face and ask “Excuse me?” And let them either explain at length how you arnt a man risking HR on themselves or have them laughing it off saying they’re joking. Don’t laugh with them though.

Houston2NYC · 2019-12-28T14:59:05+00:00

A couple things. First, I know you may have a case, but don’t go to HR. She will have it out for you the second you do that. Unfortunately you’ll have to just brush it off. Second, start participating in these meetings. Third, find a new job where you aren’t disrespected like that.

That’s why these double standards are infuriating. If a male superior said a comment about a female subordinate I guarantee you he would be reprimanded.

TominatorXX · 2019-12-28T15:09:37+00:00

I would first go to your boss and ask her WTF was that?

Then I would go see the director guy in his office and ask him nicely WTF? Seriously ask: was that intended to be an insult? You were listening, participating but had nothing to say to contribute. Does that mean you are "a boy."? And you were insulted for it? That you hope this doesn't reflect a larger issue with your performance or evaluations, etc.

I think that's the way you "man up" and approach him, man to man. Call him out on his shitty behavior.

A lot of time people do shitty spontaneous things that they later reflect on and regret. Give this dude the opportunity to do so.

Manny1400 · 2019-12-28T15:12:28+00:00

Simply say "oh, I'm a man, I assure you" and smile it off

fartt123 · 2019-12-28T11:09:22+00:00

you didn't give in so they marginalized you by calling you a boy. if you held your frame like it didn't phase you, your attention value just went up and if you looked like a weak bitch smiling trying to be more friendly then you are now at the bottom of totem pole and only way you could be not at the bottom is either leave work or just do your work and engage with no one.

if your are the listening type guy why are you in a workplace where you have to be communicative. Do your work means do what is required.

peacemakerzzz · 2019-12-28T11:38:42+00:00

The best reaction to this is not to react at all. Part of being a leader yourself is being able to take shit as a subordinate, that’s how you rise above the ranks - by taking shit and being nonchalant of what they say. It’s probably a test to see how you would take it as a subordinate.

MrYeahright_27 · 2019-12-28T12:35:09+00:00

You can't really know what's on her mind, maybe she wants the D or shows her power, or tests you. In such situations stare people down if you don't feel like jabbing back. We've all had similar situations, when we think we should've said this or that. Don't invest your ego in them. Few words, a lot of action used to be the epitome of manliness. She got something wrong here. I wouldn't do anything inauthentic in your place, I would however do anything for getting in the position of power in that company and show by actions who is who. Don't suck up to the boss because you feel threatened as some people here suggest.

psychotropy · 2019-12-28T15:40:38+00:00

They only treated you like a bitch because you presented as a bitch who doesn't stand up for himself. You confirmed this perception when you 1) let that dig pass & 2) fucking smiled about it.

I don't say that to make you feel more badly about yourself than you already do. I say it to draw attention to the fact that this was the first cut (i.e. blatant show of disrespect) of the thousands to follow that could potentially lead to a world of shit for you if you don't nip that shit in the bud.

There's a saying in wrestling/jiujitsu we use as a mnemonic to think of failure/losing in a productive manner: "You either win, or you learn". Wallowing in a self pity is a waste of your time & energy. Use that shittiness you feel as fuel to grow and learn to be better going forward.

Godspeed brother

PinacoladaSauce · 2019-12-28T16:58:10+00:00

Don’t laugh that makes you seem weak but you have to be very careful in your reaction. Give the insulting party a one eyebrow raise and stare at them until everyone stops laughing. Once everyone stops laughing break off and give a light smile or chuckle. This lets them know that you’re not okay with being insulted like that but you’re not going to make a big deal out of it. Ultimately being insulted doesn’t really matter but you’re not just going to sit there and take it either

Casd12 · 2019-12-28T17:21:21+00:00

They said it cus they knew you are a lil bitch and won't say anything back but were not 100% sure. It was essentially them calling you out. Now that they said it and you smiled like a pussy, it basically confirmed their stance of you and gave them a green light to further insult you. Your social hierarchy ranking also took a blow because now there's a general consensus amongst the workers that you're a lil bitch. You're gonna have to put in work to build that back up again. Start by being talkative immediately and be prepared to get shit tested for being talkative because you're trying to break the box they have placed you in.

Being quiet is easy because you're essentially playing it safe. There's no social risk if you don't say anything. Personally, I would responded with "alright, alright, I'll start contributing to the discussion from now on." This shifts the narrative to you being a boy for not contributing and not you just being a boy in general. It's damage control and you can leverage that shit test to your advantage by contributing to the discussion right after.

AncientDragons · 2019-12-28T17:47:15+00:00

That was a bullshit comment by a director and it says a hell of a lot more about them than it does about you. But without the context of how the politics in your department work, it’s tough to judge what the proper response should have been.

Some companies are full of shit-talkers and it’s a locker room environment. Everyone gets a turn to dish it out and take it, even the “dominant” alpha rock stars.

Best thing to do is laugh it off.

johncillo · 2019-12-28T14:22:36+00:00

Ok, here’s my 2 cents. Only 1 person mentioned this, you lack assertiveness. You could read the book “When I say no I feel guilty.” According to the book you could’ve gone with: - “You’re right I’m a boy, what can I do to make myself a man?” - “What is wrong with being a boy?”

The bomb would have been defused. On my experience I can give you other options:

“You are being disrespectful, is everything okay at (work,home, me)?”
Agree and Amplify

I think that in any hierarchy you should tell people when they are being disrespectful, and if that leads to you being fired, it’s better because who would want to work in a place that doesn’t respect people?

Take care man, even in the moment I shouldn’t have known what to say, work on your inner game.

hoopingblob · 2019-12-28T17:40:51+00:00

I don't think you did anything wrong. What can you do in your position? It's hard to say something to your boss that might get you fired. You have to be smart about it: If they do it again you can record or video record it and then send it to HR other than that I would calm down and wait to see what happens next.

Those who are Patient rule the world

theUnBannableHulk · 2019-12-28T11:27:15+00:00

High Value men don’t belittle their subordinates.

And if they do, they appreciate subordinates who punch back.

Because you didn’t answer we don’t know if he is a chode bully or a swell alpha ¯_(ツ)_/¯

nicyhasreddit · 2019-12-28T12:08:30+00:00

The fact that you were insulted badly out of the blue shows you ARE a boy. Men can be witty. Get your shit together and if you can't shut the fuck up until you can.

Those girls have no respect for you and I don't see any reason they should. You don't even discuss work stuff, you just sit there and absorb, how they'd know you know shit?

Accepted it? Stop reading until you have.

Ok.

Men can't be insulted. Okay, maybe they can and by much bigger things like a woman cheating on him in a relationship. But men shouldn't be insulted by verbal insults.

It's okay to show emotions, but lots of men don't show emotions because they have no emotional reaction to being 'insulted'. If you have male close friends, banter includes A LOT OF insults. You should know that by now.

I get 'insulted' very often by girls and women. I either comeback at them or shut the fuck up. We laugh about it some time after that when it comes to mind (and sometimes with new 'insults'.)

Now you have accepted it. Go lift, talk more AND man up and stop being a boy!

G0rv · 2019-12-28T12:49:40+00:00

Obvious sexism but that's expected by women on the workplace. Never make a scene, just suck it up. Also never 'haha'-encourage it, don't train the people around you that it's ok to shit on you.

Is age a factor here? Age range among participants? Older women are the worst bullies (and youngest males are easiest targets), they've been raised in another time where such manners were standard. (Funny thou that most senior men practicing the bully style leadarship gets the foot). So age comparison, you vs the other attandents?

ledsdeadbaby · 2019-12-28T13:23:29+00:00

Some of the advice in here is ridiculous. I would bring it up to your boss and tell them that you don’t appreciate being treated that way. How are they going to change their behavior if you don’t say anything?

champagnepadre · 2019-12-28T13:29:43+00:00

I fear the optimal time for dealing with this would’ve been right when it happened. The New York in me would’ve wanted to get up and offer to smack a bitch’s teeth out but alas a corporate setting is not an ideal one in which to handle things that way. The course I think you should’ve taken and you may want to take if something similar happens again in the future: be disrespected. Right in the moment that it happens, literally just, “That was very rude.” And don’t feel obliged to leave it at that. Flavor it, make it your own, just don’t throw a fit, leave, or otherwise compromise your power in the situation, but don’t bump over that moment without saying anything either. Additionally, even if you don’t take my advice, DO NOT laugh with them. It only encourages more of this kind of behavior.

As for what you can do this time, talk to HR. If your HR department is good, your boss will be let in on your complaint but won’t be able to share it with anyone in the company (not that that will stop her, but still). It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to complain about that even if it got out I don’t think anyone could really blame you. Your boss said something deeply disrespectful in a meeting, everyone laughed it off and it’s caused you anguish thinking about it after the fact. Moments like these are exactly what HR is for.

MrYeahright_27 · 2019-12-28T14:00:06+00:00

This will seem odd to hear, but this actually means you're winning. I would have smirked or rolled my eyes a bit, but then I'm a degenerate. A director going out of her way to make a comment about you means you're noticed, she's threatened, and she has weak frame. You're playing your chips right, now you have a direct line to her and some leverage.

MrYeahright_27 · 2019-12-28T11:57:45+00:00

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MrYeahright_27 · 2019-12-28T12:57:29+00:00

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throwabcdaway4 · 2019-12-28T14:21:02+00:00

Look surprised, touch your pelvis like youve been shot and say "you are breaking my heart" with a tone/attitude that convey the complete opposite (like amusedly smiling). Then watch him melt in confusion while maintaining complete eye contact like you are waiting for a answer.

I do it all the time its kinda funny to do. Its like a huge fuck you to the attack but it lets the other the possibility so smile at the comeback as well and stay light hearted.

huey764 · 2019-12-28T15:29:49+00:00

I've been there before, it's soul breaking, specially when you feel like you've made some progress. But you must toughen through it and let others be. As long as you are bettering yourself everyday, you should forget about others' opinions of you.

tdreampo · 2019-12-28T16:56:39+00:00

Isn’t this basic RP? Agree and amplify to nonsense or ignore. That’s the blueprint to about everything.

superomar13 · 2019-12-28T18:03:31+00:00

Snap something back, with a smirk on your face. Worst case scenario, he fires you, which he wont, and you find another job with your dignity intact

wriley · 2019-12-28T18:36:42+00:00

Are you sure it wasn’t a friendly jab from a guy who likes you? Me and my CEO are always burning each other like buddy’s.

bigmacked4 · 2019-12-28T19:08:18+00:00

Sounds like workplace banter to me, I wouldn't take it personally. Females tend to be uncalibrated when it comes to that stuff. Smile and laugh it off then forget about it. You're there for the paycheck, don't worry about the rest.

awfulgoodness · 2019-12-28T19:42:54+00:00

Work on your come backs. They don't have to be mean. You can even say stuff to cashiers or servers. Good to practice on. That way when you want to sprinkle a little heat you're not getting tongue tied. Dudes chirping is an invitation to see who is in who's frame. It's fun!

thrwy75479 · 2019-12-28T20:08:02+00:00

We'd a training session where we discuss work related things and I have a tendency to not participate in them. I just sit quietly and respectfully glean knowledge.

For context, the other guy was pretty actively discussing his work related stuff (more power to him).

Were most of the other people talking/discussing, i.e., were you the few quiet ones?

kfd_capital · 2019-12-28T20:50:58+00:00

Take his job, and then fuck his wife

MountainFact9 · 2019-12-28T21:02:22+00:00

I would have had none of that nonsense.

Probably ask him “what do mean by that sir?”

Whatever bullshit response of his.

Then something along the lines of “If you wish to inspire me as my superior, I advocate you to not disrespect a great worker like myself. Please be more proactive sir, no need for these antics.” All with intense eye contact.

Won’t get you fired, retains your pride, and puts him in place.

Lateralanouncer · 2019-12-28T21:11:49+00:00

Your offended as you don’t like being a beta male. It’s a wake up call for you to start acting more like a man. Play the scenario over in your head to improve your self next time. How could you have performed better at the meeting preparation contributions etc . How could you handle being called out like that. Etc.

MrYeahright_27 · 2019-12-28T11:28:11+00:00

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ders89 · 2019-12-28T16:23:21+00:00

Dude. Time to find a new job. If you dont know the director like that or anyone like that that is in power, they dont respect you and whatever youre bringing to the table isnt being appreciated. Time to move on from that job.

If its a peer you laugh it off and move on, if its someone above you in the working world and theyre not professional enough to respect subordinates, then its time to gtfo. Dont take that shit and let them know thats the specific reason youre quitting. Disrespectful management wont be tolerated in your employment.

EvelynnSpoiler · 2019-12-28T15:33:09+00:00

Use it as a sign bro. Getting angry exactly what a boy would do, and not getting over it only makes what he said truer.

Speak up for yourself, regardless of hierarchy. The moment you start letting people talk to you like trash is the moment they realise they will get away with it. Stand up for yourself and make your voice heard.

MrYeahright_27 · 2019-12-28T16:43:39+00:00

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0mnipath · 2019-12-28T17:25:12+00:00

Do you understand what that "joke" is actually about though? What is the insinuation here, that you are immature or maybe they just reference your age in comparison to the majority of other co-workers? What did she actually make fun of?

FemtoG · 2019-12-28T18:16:16+00:00

that was a five second event in your life. dont let it last longer

RedPillAlphaBigCock · 2019-12-28T20:26:09+00:00

I’m upset that you care. Why do you care about these fuxkwit idiots. It doesn’t matter what they think. It matters what you think. Keep going strong.

Hedser91 · 2019-12-28T20:59:31+00:00

Should have asked if she would fall under the category boys or men, you should always try to hurt them with jokes

Jovan1000 · 2019-12-29T01:20:49+00:00

I wonder what he would have said if you questioned him on how you were a boy.

youngmystick · 2019-12-29T01:28:12+00:00

I realised something about people who directly or indirectly insult people. They are projecting a sub-conscious insecurity, or something others have called them or made them feel. It is never about you, especially when it is unwarranted such as in this instance (this woman was being a douche and overcompensating for something). She is in a position of power, so in this instance, you were right to smile and shrug it off.

throwaway5747322 · 2019-12-29T02:36:33+00:00

"Don't forget, I pay your salary."

IcyBear7 · 2019-12-29T04:41:59+00:00

How bothered would you be if outside of work you were friends with a celebrity. Or if you were secretly a trust fund baby who chose to live a normal life.

Or you had a hot model wife waiting for you back at home.

You'd probably find it amusing cause you have "fuck you" power in some form or another.

How would that guy react to a boss who makes little jabs at people? Most likely an amused "haa".

elStoogeDR · 2019-12-29T06:14:51+00:00

FightGuard · 2019-12-30T00:09:22+00:00

See a lawyer about hostile workplace and sue them.

hrm0894 · 2019-12-28T21:33:43+00:00

That's why I'm saving enough money, so whenever a "higher-up" decides to disrespect me, I can easily walk away from the job. Don't want to be a wage-slave all my life.

ScarletWhiteEmerald · 2019-12-28T22:53:03+00:00

Discuss with HR the possibility of bringing a hostile workplace claim against the company. Then, if this happens again, you can quit and get a huge severance package. If women can bring hostile workplace claims against male superiors for dumb remarks than it's only right that men can bring hostile workplace claims against women superiors for dumb remarks.

c0c41n33 · 2019-12-28T18:28:38+00:00

It’s not even a good insult, it sounds like something a middle schooler would say, you can’t take that shit seriously

jenovajunkie · 2019-12-28T21:50:40+00:00

File an HR report. Or just forget it, she is just trying to be likeable I guess.

Women think manipulating emotions is an effective tool to control men, be it boys or men. The issue is they don't understand men, or care to. They just think that we are all simpletons, she probably sees the "behaviour" of the other guy has "great", and your "behaviour" as "poor" and in need of change.

So she refers to the other guy as a man and you as a boy, to hurt your ego and have you compete with this other guy; or at least, try to emulate his behaviour.

Welcome to the psychology of the female, it's like a type of behaviour modification, where the positive reward is praise from females, and the positive punishment is being made a mockery of.

furcryingoutloud · 2019-12-28T22:54:26+00:00

There is a reason this guy chose you as a punchline. He sees you as being above him in some way and is trying to shave you down to his size, in his eyes.

No, you weren't insulted. He was trying to feel better about the person that made him feel less of whatever he thinks he is. You should be flattered, not insulted.

Agree and ignore. Feel flattered.

Abeham10 · 2019-12-28T23:25:59+00:00

Should have stared at then dead in the eye no emotion no expression just amused (mastery) by it

Imuststoprejoining · 2019-12-28T23:34:18+00:00

Staying cool and saying nothing was the perfect thing to do.

It's a work scenario, with all the hierarchy that entails.

Not showing any emotion to another's barbed words is the most powerful (lack of) reaction.

But yes, probably don't even smile next time, a totally blank emotionless response is even better.

Be emotionally untouchable and inscrutably sphinx-like (48 Laws of Power)

Title	I was insulted badly out of the blue, and can't get over it
Author	MrYeahright_27
Upvotes	133
Comments	244
Date	December 28, 2019 10:38 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/egpe3e/i_was_insulted_badly_out_of_the_blue_and_cant_get/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/i-was-insulted-badly-out-of-the-blue-and-cant-get.303316 https://theredarchive.com/post/303316