Throwaway for obvious reasons. A long post ahead. Please excuse my English as it's not my first language.

So,a bit of a backstory. I come from an extremely religious and conservative Indian family where the women were always subservient and men were dominating/owners of women and the women Always asked for the men's permission. Any contact/friendships with women were considered a crime in my house and my parents and relatives (those assholes ruined my life) and they always warned about how girls ruin guy's lives everytime and so on. The people in my family and extended family are fucking worthless losers who can't stand up for themselves and want to please the society always. All my male family members act like these TRP types. When I say all, I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE BASTARDS and the women behaved exactly like the ones TRP says - manipulative, cunning, etc. This was basically my life from childhood to middle school.

At 6th grade, I had to shift schools. I went from a super conservative, boys and girls shouldn't interact type of a school to a fairly open minded school. There I was shocked to see boys and girls interacting freely with each other. Now, mind you I was always an attractive boy, combine that with excellent grades and athletics, I was almost the nerdy jock type of guy. Also, I was an introverted back bench-bad boy type (but I rarely spoke with girls and I bullied boys back then), so in my middle school a girl came up to me and said she was in love with me. I was a fucking dipshit and told this to my teacher because my mom told me when a girl says she's in love with you it means danger (the internalised misogyny) and the girl, heartbroken stopped interacting with me.

I realised my mistake in 7th grade and started interacting with girls (maximum 1-2 minutes I'll talk) and I've heard countless people tell me how the most popular girls found me hot and stuff, but I never minded them, I was always pursuing my own hobbies (sprinting, calisthenics, science, cars, nerdy stuff and my studies). Fast forward to grade 11 (high school madness) I moved to another school. I had the best days of my life in this school. This school was a dream for many people (Most popular and biggest school with the most hottest, smartest girls and was the shit in every interschool culturals, sports events and all) Now, a handful of people were having sex which I started considering normal because I lost my religion and being the rebellious kid, started showing my middle finger to my parents. The hottest girls in my class at times literally come up to me and ask me to flex my arms and all (6'1,185 pounds 100m sprinter who lifted back in 11th grade AND was a straight A student) But, I never considered getting into a relationship because of the mindset that "girls cannot fall in love and they're playing a prank on you if they say they're in love with you". I was accidentally redpilled all my life I guess.

Now, I'm 20 and feel like a fucking loser. Being a loner, I never took friendships seriously as well. I just hung out with my friends in school, bullying other athletic kids who were dumb and doing stupid stuff.

From 18, I've been meditating and doing some self improvement type things without even coming into contact with them. I did them purely because I wanted to improve my life even more.

Now, I've realised that I was a piece of shit. Being a bully and harsh to the girls who I think were truly interested in me. I felt like I should kill myself at times, I'm thankful I didn't.

So guys, I crave healthy friendships and relationships now. Even though I can rationalize that women are humans just like men and are much more complicated than my parents and relatives told me, there's still something inside that's holding on to these stupid beliefs. I really really want to change guys. Please help me. And no, this post is not a troll.