Hi there, I

’ve lured here for quite a while but this is my first time posting.

I don’t have any other women in my life that I can confide in/go to for advice – no family or sisters and my lady friends are much more into the modern woman lifestyle and find these sort of ideals outdated. Any male family in my life are not shining examples of what a mentally healthy man looks like.

I am not sure how to handle the situation that my boyfriend and I are currently in.

I will refer to my boyfriend as Joe for simplicities sake.

Joe is 27, I am 28.

For a little bit of context:

Joe is the first traditional man I have been with. He is my second and current boyfriend.

My very first relationship was with my first boyfriend from high school, we were together for a total of 9 years, we had planned on getting married etc. We were high school sweethearts – each others first everything and we ended up attending the same college – where I met Joe.

About 5 years into our relationship (we were in college at this point) my boyfriend came out to me as transgender. They took a while to find the confidence to come out to the world. At that time, I was the only one that knew and I wasn’t sure what to make of it. I tried my best to be supportive – I taught my SO how to do makeup, gave them some of my clothes, took them clothes shopping etc. I was saddened by the idea, I missed having a boyfriend, all of our future plans had come to a standstill. This was a dichotomy that didn’t work for either of us, I ended up being the one to take over the more masculine tasks (both intimately and not) and it was growing more and more exhausting. 4 years later, after many long and hard discussions we mutually decided to end our relationship.

Joe was 16 when he met his first girlfriend online. She was from another country, and they had flown back and forth to see each other during school holidays and summer break, he would pay for her to come visit him or would pay for himself to fly to see her.

From what I have been told, she was from a very abusive home, and things escalated to where Joe flew her in to live with him, shortly after he married her so she would legally be able to stay in the country and didn’t have to go back home to her abusive parents – they were 19 when they married. Joe's parents were high school sweethearts, and he had expressed that he wanted to follow in their footsteps and marry once for life. He worked hard while being in college to save up for them to move out together but that didn’t end up happening. They divorced 2 years later as she cheated and wanted to go back home and began a relationship with a longtime friend.

Joe and I met in our second year of college and had been friends for a few years before both my and his relationships started to go down hill. We both shared mutual interests and saw eye to eye on many different things. The dichotomy between us had clicked, he was very masculine and captain-like, I was feminine and supportive.

We got together 4 years ago, he was fulltime employed and I had my own small business. We were in a LDR for 2 years while finishing school and saving up to move in together. At the beginning he was very vocal and enthusiastic about us and our future. He would initiate discussion of places where he’d like to live, how he would like to have a proper wedding etc. It was romantic and realistic, we talked about logistics and expectations and all seemed like we were on the same page.

Fast forward to now:

We are both living with his parents, he has lost his job due to covid and we are in what feels like a rut. I am not sure how to navigate this.

Since losing his job, he has become angry and not very pleasant to be around. He used to have a jogging/workout routine and that has stopped. He has had ideas to start freelancing but it honestly seems like he’s walking around in circles, he hasn’t succeeded in any of the ideas he’s tried.

In my previous relationship I was the problem solver, but here I am not sure what my place is. I have a moderately successful business I have grown that is unrelated to my college qualifications, I can see the mistakes he’s making but I don’t want to over take in his wanting to provide and be competent. I have no doubt that he is more than able to start his business – he has both the knowledge and talent to do so.

The other day I tried to broach a discussion about what his plans are – he was laid off since March and he hasn’t really accomplished anything. I tried my best to approach it from a supportive point of view, but he just got angry. In the midst of his anger there were little comments which amounted to him ultimately feeling like he’s a failure. To the best of my ability I can understand how that must affect the male ego.

My business is web based so I have been able to continue working from home without issue. I am the one making all the money at the moment. As well as taking care of the little things like cleaning our space and doing laundry.

He stays up late playing video games, I have to wake him or else he would be in bed until noon. He’s let his workout routine go, during the day he will sit on his laptop and maybe try to work out some freelance things, but mostly just watches youtube videos about unrelated things. If I had to sum it up, he seems depressed and without purpose, but he denies being depressed.

I have tried suggested that we could make some healthy routines together. Maybe exercising and waking up earlier, he doesn’t really react to the idea. He used to regularly work 60 hour weeks and be productive, and that all has just disappeared. Even our intimate life has changed, there isn’t that masculine lust that used to come out, from what I’m assuming is a confident man.

This is such a change from the man he was when we met and during our earlier relationship. All his motivation is gone, and I don’t know what to (or even if I should) do something to handle it. I don’t know what to say to him about our situation – the trajectory of it doesn’t lead to anywhere fulfilling.

Anytime I ask him about things he always says things like “I have to think a lot, you think I’m just sitting at my computer doing nothing but I am thinking. I don’t think people respect that’. I understand that, but there's been nothing tangable from that, not a single freelance client, no gigs or advertisements, nothing.

I have no idea what to say or how to handle this. I want us to work out, I want to be supportive. I don’t know what the right things to say would be. I am a fixer by nature and have stepped aside to let him have center stage to fix this problem but it’s honestly eating at me. We had discussed moving out together and marriage, but each day that goes by it seems those goals are further and further away.