Hey everyone,

Just like all of you, I've had my fair share of trouble trying to figure out how to act and how to treat certain people in this world. For far too long, I have had the beta mindset. I have always been a people pleaser thinking that it would make people like me. I've always given in too easily as well. If something seemed to I would give up almost instantly.

For years I looked up to people who seemed cool and confident with themselves and always wished I could be like that. I just never thought that it would be possible for me. I've always felt like I was easy to break, and for some reason I've been okay with that.

I guess you can say that my childhood situation was really beta training mode for me. My parents divorced when I was 5 and I spent my entire life in the middle of the two of them. I was always caught in the middle of every fight and also had to listen to each parent talk shit about the other. It drove me insane and still does till this day. After seeing how my parents treated each other, I promised myself that I would good to all my future SO's and basically treat them like a fucking princess(bad, I know).

But it wasn't just the fighting between them that took a toll on me. I became a fat kid after my parents split. They were always in competition with each other to impress me. My mom would essentially make me steak and potatoes every night for dinner while my dad would usually take me out for McDonald's or wings followed by banana splits. They just kept spending all their money trying to impress me and in return, I became a complete spoiled brat.

My mother was also very sheltering. Even when I was a senior in high school, I wasn't allowed to spend time at a friend's house unless their was adult supervision. Hell, even after graduation college she would get pissed if I went to the bar ONE per week, while I was working my ass off at two jobs. While my father has always given me much more freedom, he's never been able to help defend me when it comes to shit with my mom. He would just make some joke about how controlling she is and then laugh it off. When I wanted to get my four wheeler all decked out and start amateur motocross, my mom quickly slammed the gavil down for a big old NO. Shit, even when my dad tought me how to shoot a 22 she flipped out despite the fact that she used to shoot guns and go hunting.

Unfortunately it wasn't until a couple of months ago that I realized things need to change. I was in a LTR with someone who I had been good friends with for awhile. Honestly, if I hadn't been such a bitch, things may have worked out. I wanted to spend way too much time than was healthy for a relationship, but I figured that if I didn't she would lose interest(I'm a real Einstein). She would actually be open an honest about my neediness and clinginess because she wanted me to change. I had always felt like she would get mad and leave me if I would ever give my own opinion on certain things, so I would always just agree with her. Anyways, whats done is done and is in the past, but it was a wake up call.

Little by little, I've been using things I've found on TRP to make myself a better life. One of the biggest things I've done is give up on the "Maybe someday I'll trying do that...." mentalilty an now try to find a way to do what I want to do. I've been playing drums my entire life and want to branch into other instruments and want to learn to sing, so I've been checking around my area for lessons and have been making phone calls. I've sat around for the past 5 years working the same shitty job and smoking lots of herb every day. Now, I'm quitting smoking and have made a commitment to myself to fill out one job application each day. I've also spent some time recently getting my resume looking better.

Basically what I've learned is that it's not up to the world to make your life happen, it's all on you. Don't ever say no to yourself. If you want to learn something new, do your research and learn whatever it is, don't fucking sit around. While I'm no where near where I want to be in life, I'm to get there.

Thanks Red Pill!