Let me start with a back story. My wife and I have been married 10 years. We have one 5 month old son. About 3 years in, I studied Wild at Heart with a group of men over the course of a year. During that time, as we explored our God-ordained roles as men, some of the marriages didn't survive. Somewhat in part to the guys going a bit overboard, having realized the true state of their frog-boiling-in-water, I-don't-want-another-fight-so-I'll-give-in mentality, they over compensated and became pure a**holes to their wives. Some also in part to the wives just not accepting the Biblical marriage paradigm. They refused to be led, were raised to be strong independent women, and obeying or submitting, regardless if it was for their good or not, was frowned upon.

My marriage was almost a casualty of that period. Of those two reasons, we were a bit of both. I was an a**hole at first, which inflamed her sensitivity toward anything resembling a Biblical marriage, then when I cooled off, the castle walls had already been built. The model she is referencing is her parent's marriage. Her father is the epitome of a defeated, Christian man who believes there's nothing he can do. His wife has trained him to only need to give a look, and he obeys. She throws tantrums and he jumps. It is truly sad. My wife sees this and agrees that it is sad, and says she doesn't want to continue the generational curse of anxiety, which causes the extreme need to control, but at this point, I'm somewhat worried that it has become part of her personality.

Some examples:

  • I wanted to buy a motorcycle with money I'd saved specifically for that purpose, her response was either motorcycle or me.
  • There was a time that I wanted to explore growing my facial hair out, her response was beard or me.
  • I wanted to pursue possibly joining the Army or Army reserves, her response was military or me.
  • I wanted to pursue possibly joining the local police force, police or me.
  • I thought maybe we could get a dog, dog or me.

We went to counseling, because unfortunately, we exist in this strange world where we both feel we're 100% right, and points and counter-points don't do anything to add to the pool of understanding. It was determined by our pastor, by the counselor, that ultimatums aren't the way to handle conflict. She reluctantly relented and went to the next least desirable, and in her mind logical, stance: "if I no longer find you attractive (because of your beard), then I am under no obligation to have sex with you, or love you according to your love language (physical touch)."

Fast forward to today, I've developed some habits and mentalities that I'm going to say aren't probably ideal, but are rather survival mechanisms for dealing with this person. At the end of the day, I'm responsible for my own happiness, and she for hers. Our last argument a few nights ago, was that it seems like I'm always doing something or going somewhere or starting a new hobby to master. Now, that existed prior to us being married. I love to master new skills, explore new hobbies, travel etc. In her mind, this very personality is exhausting. I'm no longer leading my wife spiritually because quite honestly, I no longer care to. My relationship with God has gotten very close/deep/strong in the last few months. She notices, and I'll ask her spiritual questions, and she says she wants what I have, but I've decided to leave it at that. When we broach theological or scientific questions that don't fit her fundamentalist baptist background, she explodes emotionally and leaps to the worst case scenario type responses of saying that I must not believe the Bible to be true.

We're both in our early 30s. I've read that divorce can cause turmoil, but spending 18+ years in a house of bitterness, derisiveness, constant conflict etc. can cause much more turmoil, behavioral issues etc.. Also aware that the Biblical grounds for divorce haven't been met.

I'm coming to this sub I suppose for guidance on where to start, and honestly a bit of support. I took a cursory look at the about page and saw some of the beliefs, and I agree with much of what I read. I've been lifting for years. Have a <5% body fat. Diet is very clean Mediterranean. Relationship with God going strong. Not addicted to anything I'm aware of. Thanks everyone.

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EDIT:

  • Mission: My mission is to place myself in the position where God can best use me to advance his Kingdom, regardless of position, and in doing so draw so near to God that the desires of the flesh actually don't hold power over me, and spiritual renewal and transformation creates a new person who is positive, joyful, happy, and thereby magnetic. To answer this question fully, I'm unable to discern why I need a woman to accomplish this, considering I'm already somewhat on track, and my current wife is for the most part spiritually disengaged.
  • Stats: ~5% body fat, 5'10", 160 lbs, 225lb bench, 400 DL, 325 squat, 2 mile run in 12 minutes, Judo, Jiu Jitsu
  • Reading: I have read none of the Sidebar yet
  • Finances: Software Release Manager approaching a six digit salary, great prospects where I can shift into a number of different areas due to a diverse career background
  • Spiritual: "I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages." -Spurgeon. I typically wake up in gratitude to God for a new day. I spend my mornings reading scripture and usually something like Imitation of Christ or Augustine's Confessions. I currently drop my wife off at work and use the 20 minute drive home to pray. I have one men's group that I attend, and also one that I lead. Since we have a new born, I'm opting to do the virtual church service. I have someone who I am discipling in a one-to-one relationship. I also am a volunteer in our youth ministry and lead a group of high school boys. Lately, I have shifted from giving out so much and trying to approach God with more intensity. I crave the type of relationship that Augustine had. That's the season I am in currently.