Red Pillers,

If you're a typical guy like myself, your not an avid bowler. Sure, you may go bowling from time to time, and that's swell. But tell me, do you ever go out of your way to go bowling?

No, you fucking don't.

Do you prioritize bowling over things like work or time with your family/friends?

No, you've got a ton of shit to do. When has fucking bowling ever been more important than you doing your shit?

Do you constantly go broke because you're always spending your money at the bowling alley?

No. If you're going broke at a fucking bowling alley, you're fucking bowling wrong.

Do you praise bowling daily as Gods greatest gift to sports?

God, I fucking hope not. Not when there's football and boxing.

Do you donate large sums of money to the bowling alley just for being a bowling alley?

No, because your not the fucking bank or a fucking saint.

Do you judge your value as a man by how talent a bowler you think you are?

Does your fucking dog judge how much of a dog he this he by how many cats he's chased? Fuuck no, that dog don't give a shit. Happy as fucking July, just licking his damn balls on the carpet.

Even worse, do you judge your value as a man by how talented at bowling OTHER bowlers think you are?

Fuck. No. Fucking Fred Flintstone and "The Dude" don't need your damn validation. Why the fuck would you need theirs?

Do you lie awake at night with nightmares of a seven-ten split being in another bowlers lane?

The fuck does that even mean? No.

Do you constant stop by the bowling alley just to make sure other bowlers aren't tossing their heavy huge black balls down YOUR lane?

Fuck no. You can't get tied down to one damn lane! Especially with that lane two over wide open. You fucking crazy?

Do you care what the bowling alley thinks of you?

Why the fuck would you care about some stupid shit like that? No. You just need it for bowling, not its fucking opinion on your "favorite color" or "spring cleaning". It's a damn bowling alley for chrissakes.

Do you waste away your day and your time calling up the bowling alley to talk about that one bitch Tessa that bowls down every lane on Friday thinking she's all that but they heard that blah blah bowling shit?

No, you ain't got no time to put up with Tessa's fucking bullshit again.

When the bowling alley breaks down, has a leak or runs into debt, do you suddenly become a repairman, a plumber and an accountant?

Fuck no, who are you, some kind of fucking "save-a-bowl"? You fucking leave and go to another damn bowling alley because this ones got a metric fuckton of issues.

When it's obvious the bowling alley needs some work done and is worth a lot less than the asking price, do you spend your every penny buying it from the bank because "it's the inside that counts"?

Do you look like some effeminate fucking pussy-handed builder from HGTV with a hammer in one hand and fucking rainbows, pixie dust and the fucking power of friendship in the other, come down from Planet Sparkles & Glitter to magically fix up some run-down piece of shit past-it's-prime real estate? No? Didn't fucking think so.

Lastly, are you afraid to bowl at another bowling alley? Do you even have to give it thought?

Fuck no, you go out and you bowl every fucking alleys' lanes out. You glorious fucking bastard.

Bowling is a distraction. You can't become successful in IT, or Finance or fucking Carpentry if you're always worried about bowling. Plan around the important stuff and bowl when it's convenient to your schedule. Your wallet, health, happiness and future will thank you.

DISCLAIMER: if your an avid bowler or if that's the lifestyle or hobby of your choice, no ill will towards you. This is just a long-winded metaphor.