Stats; 5'10", 188lb, athletic muscular build, body fat low (almost a 6 pack), calesthenics workout routine
Mission: Feeling grieved of being the runner up with my wife's passion. Hard to feel like I want to continue sacrificing for her with no reciprocation on her part. How to change this or get over it?
Reading: I haven't read much on RPC or MRP. I have consumed a lot of Tomassi's content and read his first 2 books.
Finance: I am a utility worker bringing in about 65k/yr. I have one rental paid off and 2 others I am remodeling. A total debt on all 3 of 150k. When those are finished and rented I will bring in an additional 44k - 48k annually.
Spiritually: Mainline protestant non denominational. Currently prayer life is a handful of short prayers everyday and a little scripture. Feeling a bit left on my own by God recently. I go through phases of getting really deep in the word daily. Currently not so much.
I'm seeking advice on how to deal with the grief of knowing that my wife will never treat me the way she treated others sexually.
To preface this, I was introduced to TRP about 3 years ago and my anger phase was so bad that it almost destroyed our marriage. I've recently been delving into it again and have been on a road to bettering myself for quite some time.
I've tried to lead well. I have failed in many respects. We have been together 14 years. Not once has she surprised me with lingerie as she used to with her short term ex before me. She rarely begrudgingly gives me bj's and disgustedly refuses to let me finish in her mouth, when she used to swallow for others. She was one of those "Christian girls" that would not have sex with anyone (except for last guy before me which alpha widowed her), but would do everything else with men she knew she had no future with. Heck she gave bj's to 10 or more guys in one year at one point. She is 25lbs overweight and has never tried to take care of herself for me.. There are more and deeper issues than just these but being exhaustive on this would take too long.
Before her I was a very disciplined moralist when it came to sexuality. I believed the lie that said "if I marry her she will want to give me her best". Things that make this even harder is that I have worked myself into the ground sacrificing for her and the family. I'm 36 now. I regularly have beautiful young women flirt with me. This makes it really hard to keep my head straight. I could cheat and have the best sex of my life with ladies that are way hotter then she ever was or stay in this crappy heart wrenching situation. Of course I don't believe in divorce or adultery.
I wish most of all to provide as stable of an upbringing to my children as possible. We tried christian marriage counseling with a man counselor. He did help me with some hurts from my childhood that were expressing themselves in me as an adult. He helped me quit porn. I went through a 12 step for that. I am thankful for those things but he never challenged her. I do love my wife dearly, but everyday I have this huge weight of feeling like I wish I had never met her, because I can't deal with knowing what I know of her and feeling like its a rejection of me. I also am almost certain that she cheated on me with her ex while we were dating. The fact that she lies about it feels like utter disrespect to me. The lie hurts more then what she did. I was a too easy going push over back then. I understand how her nature and passion drove her to it. I'm not as good at rousing passion in my wife as so many others did. I dont want to live in a marriage feeling like the chump when I know I am better then that.
If any of you have been through something like this and come out of it better please give me some counsel.
Thanks
[–]Deep_StrengthMod | Married | deepstrength.wordpress.com 29 points30 points31 points (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]Grafften3 points [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
Go be clear "mission" was mission of the post, not mission of my life.
[–]PredestinedPat2 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
yes but we're asking about your overall mission, so change it to the mission of your life.
[–]Deep_StrengthMod | Married | deepstrength.wordpress.com 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]NoWakeZone7 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Red-CuriousMod | 36M | Married 12 yrs 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]RedPillWonderMod | American man 13 points14 points15 points (4 children) | Copy Link
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[–]PraexologyEndorsed 10 points11 points12 points (11 children) | Copy Link
[–]Grafften1 points [recovered] (8 children) | Copy Link
My wife is hard to lead. Her mother is a bit domineering over her father of whom is kind a quiet push over. She takes the reigns with any issues that happen in their household. She makes all the decisions. So my wife was brought up in that. My wife is very bull headed and does not like feeling out of control.
I have been working on bettering myself and attitude for over 3 years now. I have always been fit and have never let that go. Part of the problem is that I am continually swamped with more then I can handle (responsibilities and projects). My wife exacerbates this. She is ADHD with numerous hobbies. She continually starts things, doesn't finish them and they fall on me. I have been trying to figure out how to get that under wraps for a long time.
Brothers in christ? The one I had just moved away. He is very blue pill too. Others I don't feel close enough to dump this on. I have mixed feelings of revealing my wife's past to others to try to help myself. I guess I need to for my sanity though.
"Get on the discord" I'm not familiar with that phrase, but I assume you mean get into the community, be proactive.
[–]Proper_Screen 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]arjungmenon 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[+]macrosofslime -10 points-9 points-8 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]RedPillWonderMod | American man 8 points9 points10 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Grafften 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]PraexologyEndorsed 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Grafften1 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
"Being the chump" to be clear, I know I'm not a chump, but she treats me like one.
[–]PraexologyEndorsed 13 points14 points15 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]WhereProgressIsMade 4 points5 points6 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]Grafften1 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
? Don't know what you are talking about. Please explain.
[–]Deep_StrengthMod | Married | deepstrength.wordpress.com 12 points13 points14 points (0 children) | Copy Link
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[–]saxomophone25 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Hecatenight1 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
Oral sex; which is a sacrifice for the giver, should always be reciprocated. First things first: do you go down on her? If you do, then she should do the same.
[–]KickingLikeWiggle3 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
No, don't push him in that direction:
[–]RedPillGlasses 3 points4 points5 points (2 children) | Copy Link
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[–]mrs-meatballs2 points [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
Your issue isn't that your wife won't do what you want in bed. That is a symptom of an unbalanced marriage in which your wife is desperately clinging on to control. This could be something she learned from her mom, like you said, but you have allowed it to continue by not being a strong and trustworthy enough leader. You haven't answered how long you have been making an honest and consistent effort to lead, and what that looks like, so my guess is that at the very least it has not been consistent. Inconsistency breeds mistrust.
How do you lead your family? How do you take responsibility for your household? In what areas are you strong, and in what areas could you improve? Ultimately you are the man and you need to fix the imbalance. You can't do that if you're not willing to take some time to figure out where the issues are. Again, sex isn't the issue-it's a byproduct of a wife who isn't particularly interested in making sure you're happy, which is a byproduct of your own leadership and actions
[–]Grafften1 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
Thank you for being constructive. I need to think about this. Inconsistency has been a problem in my leadership. I will come back to this.
[–]mrs-meatballs1 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
You're welcome! Remember, men are supposed to love their wives like Jesus loved the church. It does sound like you resent her, which may be something she feels. Jesus gives us steadfast love, consistent rules, and inspires us to honor Him. He sacrificed Himself for us, and gave us an example to follow. It sounds like you've done a lot of sacrificing, so good on you for that part of it.
[–]CarelessBowler5 0 points1 point2 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]Grafften0 points [recovered] (4 children) | Copy Link
Thanks I will look into those.
[–]PredestinedPat3 points [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
look into those if you want to remain a chump instead of the tried and true SIDEBAR. Read the Bible, everyday. Read before you eat. If you don't read, you don't get to eat. It can even be just 3 chapters a day. Read the Sidebar. Develop a mission. Post in OYS everyweek. Join the discord channel for even more accountability. Keep building your frame. Keep reading the sidebar.
[–]Grafften1 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
OYS?
[–]PredestinedPat1 points [recovered] (13 children) | Copy Link
The stats aren't asking about your calisthenics routine, it's asking about your deadlift, your squat, etc. and not "almost six pack", it's asking body fat % specifically. There is a rhyme and reason for the requirements in posting, you don't get to just bypass that and wonder why you're still a chump. Your mission should not be about your wife, even if that's the subject of the post. The woman is to be the glory of the man, not the center of his attention.
[–]Grafften1 points [recovered] (12 children) | Copy Link
I don't lift weights, so I have no idea. I only do body weight resistance workouts (calesthenics). Hershel Walker ya know. I have never calculated my body fat %. I'm fit. Don't care to, don't need to.
[–]WhereProgressIsMade 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]PraexologyEndorsed 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]PredestinedPat1 points [recovered] (9 children) | Copy Link
Read the sidebar. Lifting is not a suggestion. We’re telling you what to fix and what’s wrong, yet you’re refusing the advice while at the same time you’re puzzled as to why your problems won’t go away. “Don’t care to, don’t need to”. Okay well then continue in your starfish sex failing marriage. We recommend SL5x5 as a starting point, you can download the app if you have a smart phone.
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (8 children) | Copy Link
[–]PredestinedPat2 points [recovered] (7 children) | Copy Link
So we should delete the sidebar’s lifting section because you did something stupid at 18?
[–]Grafften1 points [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
Do you regularly fall trees, split wood or build things or are the splinters too sharp, saw dust to itchy and sap too sticky? Do you hall lumber around? Do you butcher your own animals or is it too messy? Do you prefer to stick with your pretty knurled bars and jingly weights? I'd rather be Jeremiah Johnson then Sylvester Stallone. I got my problems, but I see gyms being for sissies in the cities. You don't need weights to get results. I regularly get asked how much I lift and I have no idea. If your stats is where you get your pride then you have issues too, they are just different then mine.
[–]PredestinedPat1 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
you literally are asking for help with your wife, and when we point you to the tried and true sidebar you criticize it. Do you just want us to just tell you want you want to hear? Go over to r/Christianmarriage if you want to remain in the same spot you are now.
Lifting trees, splitting wood, and butchering your own animals is based, nobody is denying that. Lifting heavy weights in deadlift, squat, and other compound lifts are going to make you not only strong, but they're going to increase your testosterone significantly. It's going to increase your mood, posture, etc. We don't recommend it just for the hell of it. Become the best version of yourself.
[–]Grafften1 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
I'm not criticizing the sidebar. I actually have read a fair bit of it and a lot of it has been on my list. I'm criticizing your idea of fitness routines. I am not anti weights. Its not in the budget, I'm doing fine without them and i don't live anywhere near a gym.. I don't need help with fitness I need help with the other stuff. If you go back to the end of the original post, I asked for counsel from anyone that has been through something similar and come out of it. Honestly dude. Most of your snarky comments make me wonder if you are a single early 20's dude that has never had a whole lot of responsibility or incredibly packed schedule. I'm trying to fix things not debate fitness routines.
[–]J3wpremePizza2 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
I don't advocate for divorce at all but depending on how long you've been working on this with her, and I mean really working on it, you two may have irreconcilable differences. That doesn't mean that your marriage or life is ruined or would be devoid of happiness but you may have to adjust your expectations. Before it got to that point I would continue to expend as much mental, physical, and emotional effort as you can and finally once thats done, plead with her as you've stated it here. I say save that for last because that is not a great idea but once you've used all options I personally would do it and if nothing changes after that I would resign myself to the fact that life sucks sometimes.
Keep your head up and above all pray hard. The fulfillment you seek will only ever be satisfied in Christ (I know this is about sex, I am speaking to the larger point). I would also encourage you to remember that sometimes you can do everything correctly and still fail in life. Thats something that people forget, they believe that if you try hard and avoid mistakes that you will succeed but that isn't always the case. Pray hard brother. Do your best and trust in God.
[–]Grafften2 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
Thanks man. Its hard. I've been praying about this for years. I love my kids and can't imagine my life without them, but its hard not wishing I'd never met her. It often hurts that bad.
[–]NoFaithInThisSubMission-Minded 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
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[–]Deep_StrengthMod | Married | deepstrength.wordpress.com 7 points8 points9 points (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]Grafften2 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
Interestingly enough Deep_Strength, I am by far the most physically attractive man she has been with according to her, but obviously I drop the ball big time in all the other areas that are needed for attraction.
[–]Deep_StrengthMod | Married | deepstrength.wordpress.com 3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] -1 points0 points1 point (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]Grafften1 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
I agree with Deep_Strength. You are right too SillyToni. She has said that she did that stuff to feel validated like she was worth something which may be true, but her cognitive dissonance and hypergamous nature overrode that to which Deep_Strength point is correct.
The 2nd bj she gave me she swallowed and said with a smile on her face, "I only do that for guys I want to impress". She hasn't done it since.
[–]RedPillWonderMod | American man 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Grafften1 points [recovered] (4 children) | Copy Link
My sex life with her isn't total crap though. Frequency is 1 - 2 times per week. About 2-3x per year she will give me the "do whatever you want to me" line while we are in the middle of it. I have done things with her that she wouldn't let others do, but the things she did with others that I want she will not willingly give up. We have a couple little kids and some older ones.
[–]UpTanks1 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
Yeah it isn't total crap but as you said it could certainly be better. She isn't completely sexually open with you. That's because the first and most important aspect of sex is dominance.
You may look physically dominant, but in most other areas of home life she is the dominant one.
If you are reading the sidebar, I feel confident in recommending Sex God Method by Daniel Rose (it's in a cloud folder we can link you). It should give you a fuller understanding of why she holds back, and then strategies (which go hand-in-hand with sidebar) of how you will from now on begin to conduct yourself.
Don't be autistic though and try to apply everything straight away. As you internalize these concepts it will take time. That's why OYS is so important, you get guys who have been where you are helping you week in and week out.
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