Stats; 5'10", 188lb, athletic muscular build, body fat low (almost a 6 pack), calesthenics workout routine

Mission: Feeling grieved of being the runner up with my wife's passion. Hard to feel like I want to continue sacrificing for her with no reciprocation on her part. How to change this or get over it?

Reading: I haven't read much on RPC or MRP. I have consumed a lot of Tomassi's content and read his first 2 books.

Finance: I am a utility worker bringing in about 65k/yr. I have one rental paid off and 2 others I am remodeling. A total debt on all 3 of 150k. When those are finished and rented I will bring in an additional 44k - 48k annually.

Spiritually: Mainline protestant non denominational. Currently prayer life is a handful of short prayers everyday and a little scripture. Feeling a bit left on my own by God recently. I go through phases of getting really deep in the word daily. Currently not so much.

I'm seeking advice on how to deal with the grief of knowing that my wife will never treat me the way she treated others sexually.

To preface this, I was introduced to TRP about 3 years ago and my anger phase was so bad that it almost destroyed our marriage. I've recently been delving into it again and have been on a road to bettering myself for quite some time.

I've tried to lead well. I have failed in many respects. We have been together 14 years. Not once has she surprised me with lingerie as she used to with her short term ex before me. She rarely begrudgingly gives me bj's and disgustedly refuses to let me finish in her mouth, when she used to swallow for others. She was one of those "Christian girls" that would not have sex with anyone (except for last guy before me which alpha widowed her), but would do everything else with men she knew she had no future with. Heck she gave bj's to 10 or more guys in one year at one point. She is 25lbs overweight and has never tried to take care of herself for me.. There are more and deeper issues than just these but being exhaustive on this would take too long.

Before her I was a very disciplined moralist when it came to sexuality. I believed the lie that said "if I marry her she will want to give me her best". Things that make this even harder is that I have worked myself into the ground sacrificing for her and the family. I'm 36 now. I regularly have beautiful young women flirt with me. This makes it really hard to keep my head straight. I could cheat and have the best sex of my life with ladies that are way hotter then she ever was or stay in this crappy heart wrenching situation. Of course I don't believe in divorce or adultery.

I wish most of all to provide as stable of an upbringing to my children as possible. We tried christian marriage counseling with a man counselor. He did help me with some hurts from my childhood that were expressing themselves in me as an adult. He helped me quit porn. I went through a 12 step for that. I am thankful for those things but he never challenged her. I do love my wife dearly, but everyday I have this huge weight of feeling like I wish I had never met her, because I can't deal with knowing what I know of her and feeling like its a rejection of me. I also am almost certain that she cheated on me with her ex while we were dating. The fact that she lies about it feels like utter disrespect to me. The lie hurts more then what she did. I was a too easy going push over back then. I understand how her nature and passion drove her to it. I'm not as good at rousing passion in my wife as so many others did. I dont want to live in a marriage feeling like the chump when I know I am better then that.

If any of you have been through something like this and come out of it better please give me some counsel.

Thanks