One of my favorite lines from The Black Philip Show is The only way to win is not to play. Its easy to understand, but I've had difficulties practicing it in more dramatic encounters. Enter the Drama Triangle (Wiki Article).

  • The person who plays the role of a victim
  • The person who pressures, coerces or persecutes the victim, and
  • The rescuer, who intervenes, seemingly out of a desire to help the situation or the underdog.

The idea here is that two people can flip within 1, 2, or all three roles within the same conversation. We're not talking about real victims or rescuers. This is different. I noticed I'm in a relationship having my buttons pushed, antagonizing me into "playing the game," and its both of us using these roles to suck each other into bullshit.

It stopped today.

Recognizing the triangle has helped me see the pattern and avoid it by -and i quote- to function as an “adult” and not participate in the game.

I did quite a bit of difficult work for her these past few days, and she decided to reward me by alternating between victimizing herself and persecuting me. Shes leaving and upset that I'm going to enjoy being alone to work out and finish a lot of work. I mention that I'm not going to engage her drama, and if she wants to talk to me in a way that doesn't victimize herself or persecute me, she can - otherwise, go kick rocks.

Shes nervous that I might leave her, because i can do better. (Victim)

Hold frame

She then criticizes some things that are quite out of line. (Persecutor)

Hold frame

This continues. Tear escalation.

Hold frame

The only way to win is not to play.

15 minutes later, shes nice and we're having a conversation like a couple of normal adults.

Sure, if this shit continues, I'll leave, but this is how I'm going to implement the only way to win is not to play. I see the roles, and handle them just as the drama triangle suggests to. I'm not going to be a "white knight" rescuer. I'm not going to let someone play the victim on me or persecute me. Fuck all of the drama - the only way to win is not to play