I've messed up. Marriage on the rocks. Advice?

27 points98 commentssubmitted by superthrowaway30000 to r/Christianmarriage

This is long. Forgive me, I just need some Godly council.

First time background: My wife and I have been together nearly a decade. We have two kids. We've experienced several major issues in our relationship where we could have ended it, but thankfully we have not given up. Every "big issue" comes with her tearing off her wedding ring, screaming divorce, and it being about a million other problems that have accumulated in ten years. Our life is much calmer now than it was in the early years, but the problems, struggles, and things we'd like to change remain the same from year to year. We have both grown individually, and attempted to work on these problems with some success, but I absolutely believe there are things that will surface from time to time that will be lifetime struggles.

For her, it's anger. When she feels out of control, or things aren't changing as she wants or quickly enough, she loses it and injects that venom into anyone close by. As her spouse, it's usually me, and I am verbally abused, screamed at, and overall left feeling worthless and disgusting. There are a million and one things that she'd like to change, from major life decisions to meaningless "annoyances" or pet peeves that bug her. She can never really truly let them go - even if we talk about them and try to work on them. They just stack up higher and higher until the next time we get into an argument, it comes flooding out. She also does this thing where we make major life decisions together, then at a later date she'll put all the responsibility on me because she thinks in hindsight it was a bad decision.

My biggest issues struggle from lust. I, as many men, dealt with addiction to pornography and masturbation before marriage and in the beginning. Thankfully God has used her in my sanctification, and I am free from pornography. We also both agree that we won't tolerate masturbation from one another and be each other's sole outlet. I am 100% on board for this, but it often fails when we end up fighting for extended periods of time or she decides to gatekeep for whatever reason she decides. We are not to deny each other as scripture says, but she doesn't find that practical and adds her own asterisks to that scripture. That being said, I do regularly struggle with lust for other women. Purely a visual thing, and a sin of my heart, nothing more, nothing less. Sometimes she will give me "permission" to masturbate, such as during post birth recovery. Most of the time, I am left suffering because I need release so much more than I am allowed. However, my struggles with any sexual sin increase the more "sex starved" I am from having intimacy with my wife. Truly, I only want her...she's just not available much.

Recently we had an argument where she was annoyed by something I was doing, and I wasn't giving her the apologetic reaction she was hoping for. It blew up pretty fast on her end (I rarely display anger or raise my voice and am generally pretty chill in conflict). She started ripping into me and doing everything she could say to insult my intelligence and make me feel bad about myself. As she often does, she let me know in her words and actions that she does not respect me.

The reprocussions of that were felt for a week or so. My wife has a really hard time with apologizing or making up, so even upon taking about what happened with her later, we still always exist in this state where we debrief and talk about the issue and maybe resolve the issue itself but don't truly reconcile in a heart way. No remorse expressed, no real forgiveness asked for or received.

Since I've been on the couch for a week, my desires for sex are going crazy. The longer I go without, my testicles get crampy. I become aroused very easily. Falling asleep and trying to ignore everything down there becomes difficult. I wi have dreams about sex and toss and turn and wake up over and over because I need a release. If it gets bad enough, sometimes I wake up and grab my phone, look for something to lust at, and take care of things. In those instances, I feel very vulnerable. It's easy to ward off temptation during the day when I am thinking or praying. But in the middle of sleeping, I almost feel as if I am in a sexual fever dream and am not thinking about what I am doing at all. Acting out in this way is rare, but it does happen occasionally.

As such, this is what happened. Except I grabbed my phone, and instead of looking for some celebrity or porn star, I tried to look up a couple of the girls that work at the same retail store as I do on Instagram. Girls that I have had a couple lustful thoughts as a man in the past. I wouldn't classify them as even acquaintances. Fortunately, their profiles were private, so I didn't get to see anything, so I put my phone down and relieved myself and went to sleep. I feel incredibly guilty about it still. I would never have done it had I been awake. But I feel ambushed and like the rational part of my brain wasn't working.

I confessed that I "got into trouble on my phone and masturbated" to my wife, but didn't give her any more details than that. She barely talked to me for 3 days.

Finally, we had a conversation last night. We were on track to reconciliation, until she asked what exactly I did or who I looked at. I told her, though did not name names. She flipped, tore off her wedding ring and threw it across the room. Claims that adds a whole nother layer onto it and the adultry I committed. Wants me to get a new job ASAP. We only have one car, and she refuses to drop me off or pick me up again. She would have preferred I just looked at some porn star and not someone I "know," or have ever spoken to ever. She says that if I lusted after a strange woman or one I had said "hi" to before, the latter is instantly worse because I work with her and will see her again. I tried to explain that my sin is the same regardless. There is no relationship, no nothing. I was not having an affair with another woman nor did I want to. It's a picture and not a human being. She claims that because I sought out another women for sexual release, and I have an attraction to said woman at work, it's ripe grounds for an affair. As a guy, I don't fully get it. I went looking for some photos to get off to, they just so happened to be some girls I have said "how's it going?" to a handful of times in my life and that's it. I could have looked for photos of anyone: a girl at work, a girl at church, etc. My sin is still the same and I'm not going to not am I in a situation EVER where that could have room to take place.

We proceed to get into a long discussion and essentially she is miserable being with me. There's a million and one things wrong with our life, wrong with me, and if it wasn't for the kids she would have left a long time ago. Claims nothing ever gets better. I told her that we deal with the same things over and over, and as long as we are moving forward and improving, we are making progress. When there is a slip up, whether it's her or I, it does erase the progress we have already made. Our average is improving. Whenever I let her down, she is angry with God and completely ignores any prayer or relationship with Him as well. Off comes the ring, it's divorce time.

I messed up, I fully admit that. I do not defend myself in the slightest. I do feel she is interjecting a lot more on top of that, that doesn't exist or could objectively never exist. I can (attempt to) masturbate to a photo of someone I know in real life and not have any other meaning attached to it than that. For her, it's literally the same as if I would have actually had sex with the girl in real life. I fully agree that boiled down the sin is the same in my heart, but the reality is much different.

Is this something I should change jobs over? I don't have a lot of other options, especially ones that work for the whole of my family.

My wife also now insists there is something medically wrong with me, my sex drive, my blue balls, and being so worked up that I wake up in the middle of the night and just go for something like a cave man without any self-control. She insists I am not normal and I need to see a Doctor. Is there something physically wrong with me?

I feel I will never be good enough for her. That I have to walk on eggshells in a way. That any little accidental thing I might do be written on some mental black book of hers and snowball into something nasty next time we fight. She wants to change so much about me, even petty things, it feels like she just needs to find someone new. Beyond things that are legitimate issues and I am working on, I wish I felt accepted and loved for who I am. And I wish there was some grace for when I human. She asks for that when she messes up.

I don't believe in divorce, though this is my second marriage. What do I do? Where do I go from here? About my sinful mistake, but also the inevitability that she doesn't love me for me and claims to just be staying for the kids? Next big issue, she'll tear off her ring and cry divorce like she has so many times before even this.

Please, can anyone give me some Biblical council?

I ask in humility, if I wrong, please help me.