Root of bitterness

CarelessBowler5 · 2020-11-02T15:37:14+00:00

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.

Learn how to set boundaries. First clarify for yourself how you would like to be treated (not just in the bedroom, but in everything like how she addresses you). Second, learn how to communicate that to her. Third, be prepared to endure the abuse when she doesn't like being told what to do.

There's a book "A Failure of Nerve" by Edwin H. Friedman that discusses the family/organization/nation-shaping power of good leadership, derived from Murray Bowen's "family systems" theory.

The one fact he doesn't address is that to instigate all of this change, one of the biggest components Friedman undertakes with his "leaders" is to teach them how to set and maintain boundaries. He calls it, in a paraphrase, "defining and defending a well-differentiated sense of self."

It's hard to describe how effective this has been in my own marriage. I think guys go 'rambo' because they know they need things to be different, but they (myself included) were never taught the practical skills to instigate this change.

Here's a parallel. If marriage is an image of Christ and the Church. Who teaches the church how they ought to approach Christ?

Christ does, through his word. It's all there. He defines the terms of the relationship.

In your marriage, *you* are responsible for teaching your wife how to treat you.

Worldly psychologists call that patter of communication "boundaries."

Godspeed, sir.

redwall92 · 2020-11-02T13:38:04+00:00

Do you want to hate your spouse? That takes some deep level effort to actually hate someone. Sure ... maybe you don't want to spend time around her. Maybe she doesn't give you the 'tingles' anymore.

Stop focusing on your wife and find something to do with your life.

One of the mantras here is 'be attractive, don't be unattractive.' If your time is best spent hating on people, then take a guess where you land on that mantra.

Get some hobbies, make some friends, do things you enjoy doing. Develop your purpose (mission), and start making it happen.

SkimTheDross · 2020-11-02T15:36:38+00:00

You’re in the anger phase. Lean into the Word. Spend time in passages about anger.

It’s easy to fall into a trap of victimization. Your post reveals that in you.

Understand that you are accountable. Take ownership, develop a plan, articulate your mission and execute day in and day out.

Bitterness is setting yourself on fire in an attempt to kill others through smoke inhalation.

Be in the Word. Find your Mission.

Deep_Strength · 2020-11-02T17:42:11+00:00

Get into the Bible. If your eyes are focused on Jesus, you'll have the fruit of the Spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility, and self control.

Ultimately, we are all broken and lied to. That's what Jesus came and died for. He came for you and your wife and for all of the people that have lied to us. The best thing we can do moving forward is to set an example in our marriages so that they can see the power and truth of Him.

rocknrollchuck · 2020-11-02T22:40:41+00:00

For those who’s marriage was already a struggle, who then became aware of the matrix, how did you survive the gut check of reality and not end up hating your spouse?

By realizing that it was all my fault to begin with.

redarcher99 · 2020-11-03T00:13:19+00:00

Take responsibility for it all. It's not your wife's fault it's yours. The reason for the gaslighting, manipulation and any negative behaviour is because you haven't been doing your job right as a husband and leader and out of frustration and being annoyed at you your wife is trying to either push you to wake you up or lead herself and you because you're not doing it right. She didn't know how to fix you so she was trying to either fix you or preserve herself. Any hating on your wife now will only set back the relationship. It's not her fault that you didn't know how to lead and weren't doing it properly. Confess your sins to God and pray he'd help you to take responsible and be humble about it.

Remember that you've been called to love God and your wife (Ephesians 5:25) so hating her is murdering her in your heart (1 John 3:15) which is sinning against God. If you hate your wife then you're hating yourself (Ephesians 5:28-33). Pray about and repent of it.

Finally, be thankful that you can now see what's been going wrong and that there is hope for fixing it! Keep putting the effort in and you'll most likely be pleasantly surprised at the results! Channel all your frustrations into putting off the old self and putting on the new (Ephesians 4:22-24). Put the energy from your frustration into your lifts and changing to be a better man.

Title	Root of bitterness
Author	msaluta86
Upvotes	9
Comments	10
Date	November 2, 2020 11:06 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askRPC
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/jmlj6v/root_of_bitterness/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askRPC/root-of-bitterness.327317 https://theredarchive.com/post/327317