Female 25 145lbs, not sure bf%, though not overweight, I am curvy and husband is satisfied with my body. Married 4 years.

I was excited to have sex with my husband when we first got married, the excitement quickly lessened after a month of marriage. Sex with my husband has been less than satisfactory and after 4 years, willingness and servitude on my part, I'm not really excited about it anymore.

Background: I did not grow up following Christ, I led a promiscuous life before I got saved. Sexual immorality has always been a sin I struggled with, but I was porn free and sex free for about a year and a half before marrying and meeting my husband. I was very excited to have sex with my husband when we got married. It was very blissful at first, but once the "honey moon phase" was over, it was no longer fun and all about pleasing my husband.

I did genuinely enjoy delighting my husband. I still do find moments of joy in that. I love seeing that I can make him happy sexually, and it turns me on as well. My husband is also attractive to me, though he could improve in some areas. The problem that I am having is that I never feel like I'm on the receiving end of pleasure. I want to cry just thinking about it as I feel starved.

Early in the marriage, my husband was not interested in making me orgasm or he did not know how to. This led to us having regular sex where 80% of the time he would orgasm, and I would maybe 20% of the time. I would silently cry in the shower after sex while i cleaned up because I was deprived. Early in our marriage I did express frustration to him to my dismay. I know now that may have made him feel inadequate and given him no drive to want to try to be better. I suggested books, podcasts, me coaching him through the process of making me orgasm. He was uninterested in any of them. I felt a deep sense of shame that I was 'ruined' because I could not respond to his touch. The deprivation and my sinfulness led me back into pornography. :( My husband was also watching pornography which added a huge slap in the face to me.

After porn, I started bringing fantasy into the bedroom. I basically started fantasizing about things I would see in porn while having sex with my husband. This allowed me to orgasm, and also give my husband a false feeling like he was doing something right. :( (I know, not the right thing to do). I have gone through periods of months of no porn and struggling to fight fantasy in the bedroom because I know it displeases God and is breaking the bond I am supposed to have with my husband sexually.

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The only way I have an orgasm in the bedroom is through my own manual stimulation or fantasy. I so deeply desire my husband to make me orgasm without my stimulation and fantasy. He really has no desire to do so even though he says he wants to make me happy, he just does not know how to.

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I have tried communicating with him during sex about what to do to me. When I do, it is totally driven by me. I dictate what happens to me, how it happens to me, in what position it happens to me, to what level of intensity, because that is what he wants me to communicate to him during sex. At that point I feel like I might as well be masturbating on my own. It seems like everything I have communicated in the past goes in one ear and out the other as he relies on me to communicate exactly what I want.

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Is there anything more I can do other than be silent and wait for things to get better?? It has been 4 years and I want to have a fulfilling sexual lifestyle with him. He shows no interest in making me orgasm, only turning me on a bit never to bring it to completion.

You can also tell me I am being a selfish wife and sex should 100% be about serving the other person. I tried that approach and maybe my selfishness has gotten in the way again.