This is going to be really, really hard to type out. Call me a beta, cuck, blue pilled retard, whatever it takes. I am seeking guidance. I have Rational Male on the way.
Got married young. I'll be 34 this year. Everything was great. Found my unicorn. I love her so much (and still do). Maybe one day I'll make a long version of this story but right now a short version will have to do.
I had to get a big boy job after we got married and stop the house-hopping and whatnot. Even right before we started officially dating it was nothing but red flags. Flirting with every man in site. Bi-curious bullshit too that I could never tell was just edgy behavior or not. Destroying me from the inside. We weren't dating but I was attached because I got called one day from her crying about her getting kicked out and needed a place to stay. I didn't care. I was young, dumb, happy, care-free, etc. She moves in and fucks me right then and there (not to mention the pro blowjob I got a month or 2 before from her).
Anyways, back to being married and getting a real job. I hated the job so, so much. She was not working. I didn't care because I "loved" her. I quit the job and move us into a friend's house (stupid, sure, but I couldn't handle the job). I'm out of work for a small time but find a job. She gets a job too. BAM! She's fucking a coworker. I am destroyed. For a month I am in shambles. Thoughts of suicide, you know the drill. Utter heartbreak.
After the month passes I am feeling better, but still not 100%. We are back together. She even fucked another guy during that month (the only one she'll admit anyways) while I was taping together my shattered heart. Back to the happy life yeah?
More time passes and I catch her questioning our relationship with someone on her phone. This is a small step because nothing came of this. I tell her I need financial assistance so we can make this shit work (oh btw she got fired from her job during that month depression - shocking she would come back to me, I know).
She gets a job and before you know it she's fucking another coworker. Saying I'm not attentive enough, and maybe I wasn't I don't know, this guilt always stays with me because often I would be playing video games or talking to friends online since my social status was zero since the marriage. I am aware that focusing all attention on the woman is a bad move.
Guess what? I'm in shambles. Back to suicide mode. Just want her back. I'm about to move about a month later to try and get my shit together but she comes back (a tale as old as time, I'm aware). I didn't care about being a cucked piece of shit. I just wanted my unicorn back.
Same story blah blah, happens one more time with a different coworker. Suicide mode etc, get my unicorn, "things will be different this time I love you".
This brings us to today. Nudes are being sent to that guy from the past. Divorce appears to be imminent. I know what I need to do but I am having the hardest time doing it because I have invested 10 years of attachment to this oneitis project. I am so heartbroken. I really did not want to put this online. I just may delete the post out of embarassment at some point. I know what you all will say but maybe I just need to hear it.
I feel horrible. I hate this depression phase. I am constantly thinking about her future which involves fucking others, sending nudes, selling nudes, threesomes, whatever horrible thing my mind wants to conjure and I can't stop giving a shit about it because she has been my life for 1/3 of mine.
This is so fucking horrible seeing it typed out like this and I can't believe I'm actually sharing this. I used to think I was redpilled but no, I'm far from it. I am a blue pilled beta fuckhead with guilt from lack of attention to her. If I didn't feel guilty I feel like this would be easier to let go. FUCK.
NOTES: I honestly have not paid enough attention or taken her out much.
She's not interested in the nasty sex I'm interested in. I feel like this is part of why I lose interest in her, but don't cheat.
I do spend too much time talking to my friends online.
I'm tall, attractive, and in good shape (not huge but I do work out).
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