Do you feel that people need to "learn to be happy by themselves"? Is this good advice to give to people?

whichbladeN · 2020-03-03T16:46:36+00:00

I think the goal with that platitude is to keep you out of codependent relationships or settling for a relationship that ultimately makes you miserable.

Additionally, you don't want to fixate on a relationship as being the key to your happiness. Because that kind of pressure on your partner is going to cause some conflict.

That being said, human connections are great. And it's the ultimate goal for many people to have a lifelong partner.

You just need to maintain your identity within one.

Workaholiconew · 2020-03-03T16:52:15+00:00

I think some men need to learn to wait until their sexual drive decreases and avoid women.

Those very low on the smv and rmv scale (the botton 20%-40%), I think, are better to just go live alone and avoid women.

They will have to sacrifice absurd amounts of resources to have a small chance of success. May as well focus in their dreams.

Unless their dream is to leave descendants or some other thing which is limited to dealing with women any other dream is worth more.

diffdedbed · 2020-03-03T17:03:21+00:00

I think the goal should be to be happy with yourself, not by yourself.

Aaren_Augustine · 2020-03-03T16:57:20+00:00

I think people need to accept themselves. I can see more women will have this problem but a lot of men have this issue too. So often times we lean on others to fill in that responsibility for us. Aka Oneitis. Then those people become some unholy extension of yourself and that tends to create a downward spiral where one or both of you treat the other like shit. Aka GF is now your parent because youre a lazy ass dude that won't adult.

The problem with "happy" is it's often used as a rationalization to fuck someone over or use them. I'd think "accepting yourself" at least allows you to be honest with yourself and less judgmental and less parasitic to others because you'll be aware of your poor behavior.

TLDR Accept yourself and a secondary outcome is earned happiness.

flamingoinghome · 2020-03-03T17:29:17+00:00

EVERYONE knows desperation is unattractive. Who's less likely to act desperate when they're on a date? The neurotic, who's thinking the whole time "don'tactdesperatedon'tactdesperate" or the person who actually isn't desperate?

I've also seen EXACTLY how shitty the "relationships" desperate people settle for are--we're talking "morbidly obese person who abuses you" level of shitty.

Happiness is attractive. Learning to be happy on your own is literally cultivating an attractive quality.

Zero_The-Hero · 2020-03-03T16:51:33+00:00

It’s the best advice you can ever give someone here why:

1: it’s teaches you how to walk away from bad partners because you don’t NEED to be in relationship.

2: it keeps you from coming off desperate, because you are not scared of being alone

3 it teaches you to love yourself because if don’t like yourself how is anyone else going to.

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TotalTravesty · 2020-03-03T16:59:03+00:00

It’s good advice if for no other reason because it reflects reality. You can go through the long and arduous process of becoming dateable and success still won’t be guaranteed in the end. But in the present, you’re alone. So deal with that first.

The advice is just emotional triage.

DangZagnut · 2020-03-03T17:14:26+00:00

It doesn’t matter what you look like, if you can’t be alone with your own thoughts, there’s something wrong with you.

If you “need” people, you’re needy by nature, and that mean you’re ultimately controlled by others.

Orange_Paisley · 2020-03-03T20:04:49+00:00

Definitely. Too many people get into and/or stay in terrible relationships because they're afraid to be alone and they think any crumb of attention is better than nothing. It's smarter to learn to be comfortable on your own.

mindsanitizer · 2020-03-03T16:55:46+00:00

That's terrible advice. Humans are social animals, and quickly go crazy by themselves. Maybe "learn to be happy with your tribe rather than with a mate" would be good advice.

jax006 · 2020-03-03T17:01:36+00:00

I believe telling people to be resilient is always good advice, which is essentially what I think of the above.

I know people who are the serial monogamist type, and basically become neurotic for the 3 week periods between their (often shitty) relationships.

And furthermore, sometimes things don't work out for you in life, and it's important to be able to be happy with what you have.

2020-03-03T17:03:24+00:00

Yes, this is good advice that goes beyond relationships. Being happy with yourself also means being self reliant and focusing on whats within your control vs outsourcing your self esteem.

Nobody has your best interests in mind except for yourself and nothing is a guarantee.

Your parents could die, your best friends could move away, your job could get eliminated, your spouse could leave you. A million things.

Having your identity or self esteem dependent on somebody else is setting yourself up for failure when change does happen.

_Neon_Shadow_ · 2020-03-03T17:03:31+00:00

Do you believe it's good advice to give to people?

Its absolutely 100% necessary. I used to think the same thing, but my first relationship after discovering TRP was with a codependent, clinically depressed, high n-count chick. Just red flags EVERYWHERE. I knew she was a walking death sentence, but I still gave it a shot.

0/10 would not recommend.

If you are not happy alone for extended periods of time, you are not mentally stable enough for a relationship. You need to work on your issues and codependency before you ruin someone's life. I guarantee your relationships will end terribly until your problems are addressed.

eboy4hire · 2020-03-03T17:08:11+00:00

No because ultimately when you go back to trying to get what you want from relationships you can't help but be like: "Am I happy enough on my own to get into a relationship?" and then the whole model collapses. It's not about being happy or not. It's about keeping your desperation in check. You gotta find the right way to roll with the punches in relationships.

D_D_BA4 · 2020-03-03T17:08:14+00:00

“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer.” This quote attributed to Jim Carrey comes to mind.

However, it is a platitude especially when the advice is directed towards a man, people don't want to hear it or deal with it. MGTOW would be a much more powerful movement if it was underground and silent, rather MGTOW's try to operate in the open and instinctively receive disgust from men who can't relate and women as a whole. If MGTOWs suddenly just silently avoided women with no explanation, thrived and lived as best as they could on their own they would ma an impact.

It's not good advice humans have certain basic instincts we share, yet on an individual micro level we have very subtle different personalities. The reality is some people need more affection and validation than others, this is not a defect. Few people truly thrive alone. I sense as time goes on and we become more atomised and technology develops, we will evolve to become better loners.

Emervila · 2020-03-03T17:13:58+00:00

red pillers

No.

TRP teaches men to improve themselves for their own sake also to have game to get the most sex they can, simply that.

In the manosphere, FYI, it's argued happiness can't be the default status bc simply put one can't have endorphins and all the chemical in our bodies 100% or most of the time into that hype, it has to come down. Happiness is a cycle.

What we argue as the best default state for a man is PEACE, which can last longer and is preferable for any man. A man needs to learn to be in peace with himself and his environment, life, work, etc. Happiness can be reached and enjoyed but never be seen as the default state.

NeedingAdvice86 · 2020-03-03T17:16:03+00:00

It isn't real advice.....

It is usually said mostly to placate the person saying the advice to not have to deal with an uncomfortable situation.

Most of the decent guys who I have been around having issue with finding mate have tons of experience with living life alone....and are pretty comfortable in the life they have built\are building and just want to have someone to share life experiences with.

And I have met tons of co-dependent, unhappy people in relationships...it really has zero to do with ones ability to have a successful relationship....except for the invariable reality that women\people crave the opposite, ie, they are attracted to and want someone who doesn't want them or value the relationship. People want the drama of being in a relationship with someone who can take it or leave it the next day...the alternative is boring to lots of people.

I would say that about 90% of the people I know who would be given that advice have full meaningful lives with the one exception of not having found that person to share the experience with...so telling that person to learn to have a full life without a partner is like telling a suffocating person that they just have to enjoy their life without air....I mean how can you really be a good match for air if you don't enjoy the rest of your existence?

The other one I have heard people mention is when they bring it up...they will invariably get the "well, NOT everyone in a relationship is happy or in a good relationship or is in a shitty one, etc or just be glad you are not in a shitty relationship"....I am not even sure that is supposed to make a person struggling with find a mate feel better exactly? They are so shitty a candidate that other people who suck at relationships have them before they do? Seems like a bad way to help a person.

Ifeels0sadddd · 2020-03-03T17:37:39+00:00

Hi! I'm the person who give this kind of advice out. I also reserve this advice for people who struggle to get dates, relationship and sex. (I'll be more specific, people who struggle, but are also insecure) I feel like it becomes this dating anxiety where the pressure of it (or not having experienced it) makes people lose their personalities and great qualities.

For me telling people to learn to be happy by themselves is similar to telling a person to take inventory of their current situation. And there's a nuance to this that makes it less of a platitude, and more of a pre-requisite/requirement. People who date while not having their own situation situated end up having their insecurities and problems weaved and scattered in throughout their relationship. The relationship under these circumstances are usually codependent nightmares. Having your situation situated means being a healthy autonomous system on your own. That should always be priority number one.

If you don't feel the authority of your own value, it reflects itself in relationships or pursuit of relationship. If you feel like it's not enough, then it's time to create value. Value could be reading a book, learning something fun, spending time with friends or even eating healthily. It doesn't have to be a platitude and it's advice that I've taken myself to heart. Learning to be happy with yourself is also confidence. You start to keep inventory of your own behaviors (strengths and weaknesses) and you're well positioned to be an advocate for yourself or anybody else. This is super important in relationships, ideally you'd have two people who are advocating each other in good faith.

You reclaim control and acceptance in your world and realm. To me all of these are encompassed with learning to be happy with yourself. Not a physical glow up, but a mental one.

Folknust · 2020-03-03T17:58:58+00:00

In my opinion, romantic relationships are utterly pointless. I am able to keep myself happy and that’s all I need.

Psybur · 2020-03-03T18:03:29+00:00

It's not good, but it's better than the alternative. It's like telling someone who is starving to learn how to not need food. Loneliness is physically and emotionally painful, but the food is poisoned.

wtknight · 2020-03-03T18:17:45+00:00

I think that people should learn to be content by themselves, but I think that people can only find true happiness connected with other people so this should be encouraged.

2020-03-03T18:22:04+00:00

Since marriage is at a historical low and wont change in the near term and divorce is flat or rising in some segments.

Most men should plan on being alone or divorced.

Women are fortunate to be able to decide if they want to be single, married or divorced.

rus9384 · 2020-03-03T18:28:03+00:00

I think they should learn to be content by themselves. I.e. not dramatizing things which makes their effort inefficient.

goneaway2thewind · 2020-03-03T19:08:17+00:00

You won't regret it like you would depending on someone else for your happiness

abaxeron · 2020-03-03T20:05:00+00:00

To an extent, this advice is useless. Social isolation can drive a person insane; no-one is actually happy just by themselves.

But what I think this advice nudges a person towards, I'd like to demonstrate with an example.

I once worked with a guy who operated a huge-ass, super-fast, super-productive industrial printer. Since the output of the printer was intimately tied to his wages, he did a reasonable thing and removed safety sensors, so in case something went wrong, he could reach into the machine and fix it quickly, without having to stop it. Totally as expected, he lost three fingers one day. And this dude still was the happiest, the funniest, the most open and confident person on that factory (he stayed and kept working there).

My therapist told about a case that she helped with, when a man - Chad Thundercock incarnate, martial arts champion, N-count in three digits, etc - once got hit on the back of his head with an iron rod, passed out, and got robbed. With his shape and genetics, he recovered physically just fine, no memory loss, no long-term scars, nothing. But this event broke him. The realization that all his training and fitness is nothing against a sudden attack from behind that he just didn't notice for some reason - made him cry like a little bitch and attempt suicide.

So, what I think people try to say when they're saying "be happy by/with yourself" - is be like the first guy. Not having a girlfriend, arguably, is ~100 times better than not having three fingers.

yuckyuck13 · 2020-03-03T20:30:38+00:00

We are the arbiters of our own happiness. The end goal is being fulfilled and happy. Doesn't matter if it's your job, hobbies, friends and or a relationship. Happiness comes from with in not from others.

TheColdestHand · 2020-03-03T20:39:13+00:00

Oh absolutely. People need to find a genuine hobby that makes them happy. Something that will have them rushing home to get another minute of ‘play time’. It really is ‘something to live for’. People fade, skills hone.

SherbertBacon · 2020-03-03T20:40:59+00:00

It's given out mainly to people who struggle to get dates, relationships and sex.

Not because it's a crutch, but because it's a response to "I'm unhappy because I'm not dating in the way that I like." The advice is good for everyone, but only certain people invite the response.

Do you believe it's good advice to give to people?

Yes. Learning to find happiness (I prefer "contentedness") alone means you're capable of seeing value in life beyond a relationship/sex/dating. If you say "I'm unhappy because I'm not getting sex/relationships/dates" you've effectively made your happiness contingent on an external factor. That means your feelings ride the unpredictable tides of life without any sense of autonomy. That leads to victim thinking, depression, frustration, never-ending complaining, fatalism, etc. (think "incel projecting").

That advice should be given to anyone who puts all the weight of their happiness on something besides what they can find within themselves. Be it a career, expectation for success or popularity, dating, etc.

Sid_Insidious · 2020-03-03T20:43:05+00:00

People should have a well-grounded sense of self and know how to self-actualize and self-validate before they seek out a partner. I think you'd call it a precursor of mental health and wellbeing before seeking a partner. Most people looking seem to be works in progress or just plain fucking broken (like little miss man hate I've been exchanging with on here).

Sure, we're never perfect, but sometimes people getting into relationships have too many issues and baggage for a relationship to be even possible. For me, a big part of me being MGTOW is that I know in my heart of hearts a LTR is NOT something I want and I had to own that. I tried dating and my heart just wan't into it, I had no interest. So I stopped pestering women.

Until my feelings change, I will continue to not pester women.

ralviee · 2020-03-03T21:34:01+00:00

It’s vital advice for retaining true happiness in this world. You’re the only person who will be with you your entire life: from beginning to end. Nobody else can be there for that length of time, nor be with you for literally all of your troubles.

The only person who can is yourself. Learning to accept/be happy by yourself means always having an avenue of support. No person is an island, but if you at least have yourself in your own corner then problems become much less stressful to deal with.

In the opposite sense, being your own enemy means a personal hell that you always carry with you. Always. I’ve been at both ends, and can 1000% recommend being happy with instead of hating yourself.

UTC24 · 2020-03-03T21:36:19+00:00

If you value freedom and independence more than anything else, this is the best advice you could give. But most people prefer comfort and familiarity, they are terrified being alone.

wtknight · 2020-03-04T00:53:22+00:00

[removed]

2020-03-04T01:58:08+00:00

I think so.

Some people turn to unhealthy things because they’ve been rejected too times.

2020-03-04T01:58:18+00:00

Practically YES.

And here's why, unhappy people who believe that a relationship and/or an SO are responsible for making them happy have some sort of mental illness, and if they ever meet someone else who feels the same way it's going to be disastrous; and if they meet someone who has compatible views/needs that's going to be a co-dependent relationship (disastrous as well).

2020-03-04T03:41:16+00:00

[deleted]

Physiologist21 · 2020-03-04T05:18:24+00:00

It is a platitude, but it's also true. Cliches are cliche for a reason.

I imagine most people would never be happy without a considerable amount of reading psychology / philosophy information. Unsurprisingly, very few people do this so, could be.

celincelin · 2020-03-04T05:58:57+00:00

Retards who say that confuse fasting with starving.

Socialization is a need.

BumblingBeta · 2020-03-04T06:08:19+00:00

[deleted]

couldbemage · 2020-03-04T07:41:42+00:00

It's just a prettier way of saying don't act desperate.

2020-03-04T08:24:07+00:00

Im in agreement with this.

If you cannot be happy with yourself. Well for a start you won't be happy.

Also things like relationships may provide a short term fix for people who rely on external factors for happiness. But in the long term it won't solve the problem. The person will just start looking for a new fix sooner or later.

Plus lets not forget that like attracts like.

Throughawayman80808 · 2020-03-04T16:27:46+00:00

It's useless. You should try but honestly human beings are social creatures, loneliness being a thing is by design. You should however learn to appear to women that you're happy by yourself, they love that.

slavicgypsygirl · 2020-03-04T16:57:51+00:00

My advice is that everyone should always do whatever makes them happiest

For me that is a balance of being around people & time alone

Sid_Insidious · 2020-03-05T07:13:10+00:00

HORRIBLE ADVICE. What if your present self is NOTHING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT? Sorry, I gotta go with Jordan Peterson on this one (ALT RIGHT TRIGGER WARNING AOOOOOGAH. Safe spaces, snowflakes, safe spaces). Bill Burr also speaks to this social disease.

You should NOT be happy with yourself the way you are. You're unhappy for a REASON.

If you're overweight and unhappy, don't accept it. LOSE WEIGHT.

If you're undereducated and unhappy, don't accept it, GO TO SCHOOL.

If you're unhappy with your social life, don't accept it, MEET NEW PEOPLE.

IF you're unhappy with your love life, don't accept it - TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

We live in a society today where people sit down and list everyone and everything that is making them unhappy. The big question is WHAT CAN I CHANGE. What do *I* have power over. I can't control others, I can't fix others. I can only control me and fix. me.

Don't ever try "self-acceptance" when you're happy. It will only lead t more despair.

GreenSatyr · 2020-03-05T15:53:49+00:00

I agree that it's bad advice in that it implies that being happy with yourself and relationships are super related. It's possible to have relationships without being happy with yourself. But those relationships won't make an unhappy person happy. They'd just be in a relationship and still sad.

It is also possible to struggle to find a date despite being happy.

That said it's true that any relationship you rely on for your happiness will likely become codependent

thedeadpill · 2020-03-03T16:53:05+00:00

Sometimes, people who are unhappy attribute that unhappiness to being lonely or lack of sex, etc.

I think it's a (poor) way of communicating the idea is that you should try and identify the features in your life that make you unhappy, and fix them. The underlying premise is that the feature of your life that makes you unhappy is not loneliness and something else instead, and that finding yourself in a relationship or someone's bed won't cure that unhappiness.

People who are happy tend to be more attractive; most people don't want a negative sadsack for a partner. If you're happy in every other aspect of your life, loneliness won't be an issue.

Of course, sometimes loneliness is the issue.

Feyra · 2020-03-03T16:54:43+00:00

Do you believe it's good advice to give to people?

Yes. If you're not able to be content alone, adding another person's emotional baggage to the mix is counter-productive.

Title	Do you feel that people need to "learn to be happy by themselves"? Is this good advice to give to people?
Author	BumblingBeta
Upvotes	8
Comments	100
Date	March 3, 2020 4:43 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/fcxbks/do_you_feel_that_people_need_to_learn_to_be_happy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/do-you-feel-that-people-need-to-learn-to-be-happy.352071 https://theredarchive.com/post/352071