Stats: 15% bf, 5' 10", 174lbs, haven't lifted in a year since I started doing Martial Arts instead. Last time lifting was 265 flat bar bench, 365 low bar squat, and 475 deadlift 1 rep max. I stopped because I got burnt out.

Reading: I read most of the sidebar material for RPC with a huge focus on the relationship and sexual purity posts

Finances: Software, Top 10%, would like to retire by 45, 0 debt

Spiritual: Prayer about every day, sharing faith a couple times a month, don't memorize Scripture on purpose only when reading it naturally, and I love studying theology for fun. I drift to a Pharisee mindset a lot. The scales are balanced significantly more in the Truth side rather than Grace and it causes issues with my own assurance every once in a while. Read Bible a couple times a week but want to read it way more (Hebrews 4:12).

The issue:

I've been dating this girl for 2 months, she has some things I like, some things I don't like, and overall is very accepting since I have a ton of quirks that even my friends wonder who the heck would get with me.

She revealed to me she's been with 3 guys pretty early on. First guy they did it a 5 times and is her ex fiancee. What she described was basically rape since it was forced every time and she said no. The 2nd guy a few years later was around 12 times and she said she cried every time and never initiated it. The 3rd guy was for a year and a half, he made all the advances, but eventually she said she "learned to become fond of it" she didn't give a number, but I think it was around 25 times and it was a very unstable relationship.

I am experiencing SEVERE insecurity around this issue. We've talked about it a few times. It's like I'm being stabbed in the stomach. My imagination runs wild of these guys going down on her. I've spent many hours in prayer asking God to give me the strength to overcome this jealousy, insecurity, and bitterness. I find I am unable to act in grace on this issue. What makes it harder is the last time she had sex was in September so it hasn't been that long since she met me. I've never had sex and having someone who values sexual purity is very high on my list. When we are together, I feel our line of purity is decaying and might even lead into sex if it continues. This worries me. I'm 3 years clean of porn and masturbation so I like to think I've proven that I've repented but now that I'm in a relationship I'm learning my issue with lust goes so much deeper.

Another issue I noticed even right off the bat is anger. She got angry at our waiter. Then again on the 2nd date. Then on the 3rd. After being with her I noticed she gets angry quite easily but how she deals with it is shutting down. The anger is from a situation in HS as well as from her ex fiancee who she pretty openly holds resentment against. Overall though, I'd say she's not that emotional. Also, I accidentally gave her a hickie and she hit me twice. Granted I shouldn't have done it, but I was still pissed. She isn't always angry, it's just easy to make her angry. Most of the time it's not an issue.

Lastly, I'm a pretty happy go lucky guy and she is not. I wouldn't say happiness is her defining attribute. I would say humor is. But the humor gets real dark real fast and is usually putting me down. I don't mind her putting me down, I think it's hilarious right now. I might hate it in the future. I'm worried about the darkness of it since I used to be the guy with dark humor and I don't want to be that guy anymore.

This is my first serious relationship so I'm still figuring out a lot of what I want. My mission is to lead college students Bible study and maybe even a pastoral position in the future. I want a wife who will cheerfully be by my side in this task and encouraging me along the way. My big draw to this woman is her acceptance, our alignment of morals and values, her humor (for now) and she does challenge me with things related to God just not that often and I'm the initiator usually.

I've started questioning my own faith due to this situation. Love never gives up and keeps no records of wrongs. I am failing at the latter and considering the former. Do I even understand God's love and grace even though I can't dish it out to her? I need it just as much.