I want to hear from my FDS family about our individual relationships with anger. Personally, my relationship with my own anger has been limited. This doesn't make me less of an angry person, but it severely impacts my ability to handle the feeling and respond accordingly. Sometimes it takes me days to realize that something made me angry. Several times, this inability to react to valid threats has put me in harm's way. In the process of anger, my mind cannot quite compute that it's okay, and the feeling has a purpose. Instead, an internal cycle of self-blame ignites that generally leaves me believing that I am the one in the wrong and therefore must apologize to the one that has harmed me. When I see someone else being mistreated, it feels easy to speak up, but when it's myself, the act seems crippling. Needless to say this has led to some cringey passive-aggressive behavior that I am not proud of. The more anger I feel, the more I swallow it down, which can't be healthy! Particularly with the topic of anger about men, the amount of guilt I have felt over the years is immense. Part of my brain is always trying to talk me out of what I now see is RIGHTEOUS RAGE towards a system that betrays women.
This is on my mind tonight because of something that came up in discussion with my mother today. Little rant: We were talking about the healing power of humor - safe enough - and she brings up a little tactic that was popular in her family growing up - repeating "doooon't youuuu laaugh..!" in a sing songy voice over and over again until the recipient of the taunt inevitably breaks out into laughter. It's the verbal equivalent of tickling someone, who will likely end up laughing even they really hate being tickled.
As I've grown into my late 20s I've reflected on this family tradition as pretty manipulative. It taught me early that when I'm angry, sulking, or otherwise displaying emotions that make mother uncomfortable, those feelings need to be fixed toute suite into something more palatable. Look, the child is laughing now, that means they're happy! /s
Of course, when I told her tonight that I find that fun little tradition to be manipulative, she makes the pikachu face and says she "only remembers me giggling with cheer" (most conversations tend to go this way when I bring up childhood hurts, resulting in that ???? feeling that I recently posted about)
It was due in part to many LVM that brought this to light in my mind -- I'd be upset over something, and they try and instantly "cheer" me out of it somehow, even if the upset had nothing to do with them. The last guy that tried this, I explicitly said "NO, I'm upset, I need to be angry, just let me be angry." Baby steps!
When I see other women lash out to wrongdoing, reacting swiftly, sometimes even exploding in emotion, it inspires me. This is not to say that an explosive temper is enviable, but I so admire women that can express their legitimate reactions to injustice.
So, FDS sisters, what is your relationship with anger? How was your anger responded to as a child? What are your body's signals with the feeling? How do you successfully channel anger, how do you express it?
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