I want to preface this post with some basic background information about this dynamic and my overall relationship with it via my current partner (feel free to skip over this part if you just want the main stuff).

My boyfriend and I have been talking through some difficult circumstances in his life involving family and culture, lately.

My partner isn’t someone who cries in front of people. Ever. We’ve known each other for many years (we were in college together, I was dating others and enjoying my freedom so he respectfully didn’t pursue me until later on, when I seemed open to it). In all that time he’s been the comforter, provider, and protector to friends and fraternity brothers (multicultural frat) and was always occupying that role with his family in the Middle East too. We’ve been together less than a year and are navigating the “aiming for marriage” phase of the relationship so he feels comfortable and safe opening up in very unfamiliar ways about his feelings, and he’s cried a few times now as he’s talked things through with me and expressed himself freely for what may well be the first time in his life.

Now, the point I want to make here is that THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HEALTHY, NORMAL CRYING during a difficult time/talk/event, and then there’s MANIPULATIVE DISPLAYS OF EMOTION MEANT TO PREY ON YOUR OWN FEELINGS and secure a selfish goal.

I think we’re all familiar with how certain men will use tears to gain sympathy, weaken a woman’s resolve, convince her or others of his “sincerity” or “vulnerability,” and otherwise manipulate.

This means we must be on our guard against such manipulations. On the other hand, at FDS many of us are open to healthy, equity-based relationships where both partners feel secure, respected, and safe to express themselves. Sometimes men cry because they are feeling a lot of pain or joy or fear and it’s simply natural. It’s important that we learn to tell the difference to avoid getting hurt OR blocking off healthy opportunities out of (admittedly justified) skepticism.

In my case, the conversations I’m having with my boyfriend are intense and he’s crying because he a) feels so much love and responsibility toward his family, whose circumstances are challenging due to political oppression and b) feels so deeply for ME and feels an equal amount of love and responsibility toward my well-being and happiness. Anyone would find his situation extremely hard to navigate emotionally and when he cries it’s often a surprise to him and frustrates him because he wants to clearly communicate.

This is healthy crying, and I know this for a few important reasons: A) he is NOT shedding tears WHILE TRYING TO SECURE SOMETHING FROM ME. i.e. A promise, submission to his wants, a “win” of some kind, or freedom to behave in a hurtful way. B) He IS crying in a situation that it’s normal, healthy, and inherently understandable to cry in, without anything to be gained from me through his words or tears. C) His emotions are arising in the course of natural, healthy conversations I’ve very much consented to have with him and which I want him to have with me; these are things I am happy he is expressing because he is a good partner to me and I want to give him a safe space to be open about his feelings.

Unhealthy crying - as in tears utilized as a weapon to manipulate you - can be spotted by keeping a few things/questions in mind. 1. Does he have something he wants from me, especially a potential concession, that could ostensibly be gained by him displaying emotion in this way?

We tend to respond to tears with a softening of our emotional defenses, because that’s simply how humans are wired. Crying = “I should comfort this person.” That can unfortunately be easily weaponized by LVM/NVM who are acutely aware of how perceived vulnerability impacts us.

  1. Is he crying in response to an argument, my personal boundary, MY justified pain (caused by him), or some other form of wrongdoing on HIS part?

LVM/NVMs will always seek to be victims in some way shape or form. If they do something wrong, they will try to make it seem like YOU should feel guilty or “forgive them” because they’re the ones who are “REALLY hurting.” Surprise: their pain is fake, or at best is the pain of a bastard who got caught and is upset about having to show any accountability. Many men like this see tears as a shortcut to ending their accountability and forcing you into the role of comforter, nurturer, or caretaker, which lets them off the hook and places all responsibility on your shoulders. It’s a bunch of bull. Do not fall for it - if he’s crying in response to being called out on his own wrongs, it’s manipulation.

  1. Does he frequently “try out” other emotional displays to avoid consequences for his actions?

Emotion is a powerful force and manipulators are experts in using it to achieve their own ends: aka complete usurpation of rights & privileges at the expense of others, with no responsibility on their end. They’ll use anger, grief, joy, guilt, or any other emotion to accomplish this. They’ll use “their” emotions to evoke YOUR emotions and put you on the defensive or at the very least keep them off of the defensive. So, maybe sometimes he’ll test out tears, but at other times he’ll use a display of anger to get you to acquiesce to his underlying demands (such as “I get to be unfaithful/lazy/abusive and you have to take responsibility for my happiness at all times”).

You should always take a step back when he’s displaying strong emotion of any sort and evaluate it in the context of the past and his interactions with others. This IS HARD to do because when YOU are “in your feelings” it’s very difficult to exit the moment and do this. Even if you have to evaluate after the moment has passed, it’s still effective to do so. Sometimes it’s even better to get through the moment for safety and clarity reasons. But you do need to keep his displays of feeling in context and be prepared to admit if there’s a suspicious pattern in his behavior.

This is a basic overview that’s taken from my own relationship AS WELL AS my academic background, which includes intensive study of human interactions and the psychology of abuse/manipulation. I’m sure my perspectives aren’t perfect, but I’m confident this post can be of use to some of you! I certainly hope it will make your lives easier and help you navigate the complex world of relationships and feelings.

I wish we could take men’s emotional expression (and sketchy women’s displays, for that matter) at face value, but sadly that’s not the world we inhabit and it never has been. Manipulators are everywhere, and emotion is the easiest tool they have at their disposal. The ways people display feeling are nuanced and can be good or suspect, so stay informed and don’t assume your own feelings are always a good judge of intent or character. Perspective happens when we honor our emotions but also accept their weaknesses and potential to override our rational minds. No one is immune to this.

I’ll finish up with an observation from my work as a certified women’s self-defense instructor:

Ultimately, your strengths aren’t what will protect you. Real protection comes from knowing your own human weaknesses and remaining aware of them in situations where they can be exploited. This goes both ways; you are also only as strong as your knowledge of an opponent’s weaknesses is, and you are as powerful as is your ability to utilize those weaknesses in the protection of your own sacred self.

Edits: clarity and typos