Background, may be a explanation to this mindset:

A while ago, I was on top of the world. I lost a crazy amount of weight and got very muscular. I never had friends before, but people started liking me and eventually made friends. Girls never paid attention to me, but they stated to. I was going to the gym, reading, and meditating everyday while taking care of school work as well. Eventually, I got injured in the gym and had to lay off for 2 weeks, but I could still go to the gym since it was only my shoulder. My parents and doctor forced me to stay home for almost a month just to be safe. After the month was over, I liked the feeling of doing nothing but being on your phone and not having shit to do. This went on for a year and a half. Needless to say, I lost all my gains. I gained fat. I forgot shit I read from the books. My mind started wandering all the time. People stoped liking and respecting me.

Now, this leads us to today, where I've shredded off some fat, built a lot of muscle again, started reading and meditating daily and life is looking really good despite the quarantine.

Now, in the back of my head, I'm constantly thinking "This is useless. All of it is temporary. All the muscle you built needs maintenance and dedication. You'll probably forget everything you read from the books. If isn't gonna be a one time thing that's gonna benefit you forever, it's useless."

Its like my mind wants a good body without the hard work. My mind wants all the knowledge without reading. It's weird, but my mind always reminds me "What if you become homeless? Will this stuff ever benefit you?" despite the chance of that happening being almost non existent. My mind just wants a thing that I'll do once that'll benefit me forever without maintenance and it's killing me inside. I know I need to work hard to succeed in anything, but the voice in the back of my head keeps whispering this crap.

This is probably because I was on top of the world once and then crashed super quickly.

I don't know what to do anymore. It's making me despite being productive.

I can't even enjoy having my long hair because "I'll eventually have to cut it." or "I may get cancer and lose all of it".