CorporateLand: What To Do When You Get Fired or Laid Off

So the first rule for this is to start making contingency plans ahead of time. The days of walking into IBM or GM at 21 and walking out at 65 with a gold watch and a fat pension are Way Long Gone. Once you land a gig in CorporateLand you should be thinking, at least in the back or your mind, what happens when the World Turns to Shit. And let me tell you, at any given time the World is at least 50% shit, most of which is rat droppings.

So what to do? Pay Yourself First. It’s time to look out for Numero Uno. You need to start feeding your war chest. I used to have a second bank account that every stray penny I earned went into. I referred to it as the “GFY” fund, which I put cash into in case I ever had to say “Go Fuck Yourself” to my boss. Direct deposit. Tax refund. GFY. Random stock dividend? GFY. Pay check from my second job? Direct Deposit to GFY. And that account gets fatter faster than you would think.

So why have one? What you really want is an “Emergency Fund”. Start off with a goal of 3 month, then 6 months then whatever makes you comfortable.1 Sometimes, I’m a one-year guy. Lately, I’m more of a 2 year guy, because I’m older and more conservative. Because if I fuck up, I don’t have the same time frame to make up for it that you younger guys do. You young guys have one thing in abundance, the most valuable commodity in the world: TIME. It is the true currency of life.

Ok, so kill off any debt you have—and do not carry consumer debt. Debt is to be avoided.2 Save up in your GFY fund, kill your debt. Also, you should be developing a network. Someday you may need a friend. A lot of guys will take my calls. Why? Because I don't forget who they are the second things get rough. Over time, you will find out who is cool, and who isn’t. There are a lot of guys who will go to war with me. You hang on to the cool people, and you shred the assholes. But keep your contacts. Keep a positive balance in the Favor Bank. The second time I got laid off, I sent out an email to 75 or 100 folks that it was my last day, and probably 20% of those folks sent work my way, either their own or a referral. That day. (Back then, when I was doing a lot of sidework, I had a rep as the Lawyer Who Returned Phone Calls. Nothing pisses clients off more than being ignored. Sure, their work may not be a big deal to you, but to them, it is. No client ever gets angry at you for returning their call. I return all of mine within 24 hours, max. And I pick up on the first ring. Happy clients pay their bills, and pay them on time. Even if the phone call I make is just to give a status update, why needlessly p*ss off the people who are your bread and butter? Whatever you do that's not being a lawyer? Same thing applies. Take care of your customers or someone else will.)

Back in the Day, my flat was month-to-month. I try to be the kind of tenant that landlords like. My rent checks never bounce, if something in my flat went wrong I’d typically fix it myself, and the cops never came looking for me. Thus they were never in a hurry to jostle me about shit. Stay lean, stay nimble. Be ready to move when it's time to move.

So what happens when you roll into BigCo and discover that the music has stopped and there are no seats left? You chill the fuck out, that’s what you do. Usually, you can see it coming and in those cases, your personal shit should have been cleared out of your office already. And really, how much personal shit should you have at the office?

Step 1

First, take a deep breath and relax. Plenty of people get fired, and this isn't the end of the world. Think about some of the more shit aspects of your gig, and how they are Not Your Problem anymore. Where I first worked, there was an intercom system, and when the owner, who was Not a Fun Guy would call in, he would get parked by the receptionist and then a page would go out. So the first morning after I got let go (employer went B.K.) I woke up and thought, "Never again will I hear 'Vasiliy Zaitzev, Josef Stalin on 63...Vasiliy Zaitzev, Josef Stalin on 63."

Step 2

Take a day or two to decompress. Sleep in, relax, treat it like a weekend. It probably will be a weekend because usually firings and layoffs happen on Fridays. It gives you the weekend to cool off and decide that murder is a Career Limiting Move. So take a couple of days. Do NOT take a week.

Step 3

Schedule your days so that finding a new job is your new job. Get your shit up and running, looking for a new gig. Put the word out on your contact list. Figure out how to manage whatever issue got you canned (I am treating this like it’s a “canned”, because if it’s a layoff, well, shit happens).

Do some introspection. You might also think about what to do moving forward. Do you want to travel? Do you want to change locations? Maybe it’s time you moved away from Asswater, Nebraska, and off to somewhere cooler. When you are young, and aren’t tied down, that’s the time to think it over.

The second time I got laid off I volunteered. You weren't, technically, allowed to volunteer, but I kept doing it. Every time my boss3 bitched about how he might get laid off, I would say "Give me the big check and let me go." [They were giving us an insane package. I got something like 22 months. Since I was, theoretically, an exec by then, and I had the same algorithm as the mofo who ran the company. He didn't know shit about our business, but he knew how to take care of "Number 1", and so the rising tide that raised his yacht raised my Chris Craft.]

Step 4

Also schedule your time around the above. Get up in the morning, work on employment issues - consider temping or bartending if you need $$$ - after that get your workout in - and it is a good time to start (if you aren't already on one) an exercise program for better health and stress relief.

The last time I was without a primary job (usually I have a couple of additional income streams) was nearly 20 years ago, but here is what I did:

I would get up go to my fave local coffee shop4 and have a coffee and read the paper. I got to know the owner, and pretty soon they were clients.

Then I'd go to outplacement from 10 to 3 (adjusting the times as necessary, but mostly I chose those to avoid traffic). This was a layoff, so they gave us 3 or 6 months of outplacement or whatever. I used their computers and phone and, in addition to job-searching, I basically ran an ad-hoc law practice from there and my home (although mostly from home....really I just needed the printers at outplacement). Then I would come home and work out. Every gawddam day. I was younger then, so the warranty had not yet run out on my knees. If you need to lose a few pounds, NOW is the time. The important thing is to Keep Moving Forward. Don't become a recluse, chilling on the sofa in your bathrobe at 3AM watching Informercials and narfing Cheetos.

Step 5

Never Stop Fighting Back. During the last recession, I remember a news story about a former CEO who was delivering pizzas. Sure, probably not the best use of his time, but at least he was fighting back as a man.

I got an interview, once, after my first layoff (employer went BK), one of my Landlord’s buddies put in a good word for me. He lived a couple of houses down, across the street, and he told me, once, while he was over drinking my landlord’s beer that he respected me because I was always out hustling and working every angle could find.
People are watching you, even when you think they aren’t.

Step 6

Cram down expenses. That can of soup that’s been in your cupboard for 12 months because you don’t really care for that type? Have that for dinner. Your goal is to survive. Expenses that are unnecessary are to be slashed.

Step 7

Enjoy life a bit. I had traveled a lot for work and had a lot off miles and points. I also had a couple of FWB, so if I was in Philly, Boston or DC, there was a warm girl with a warm bed waiting for me. If you want to learn an instrument, or a language, work that into your schedule. Think about shit you an improve and make better in your life.

TL;DR: This is actually important shit. Read it.

1 And “Blah, blah, blah, Cash is Trash!” Suck my dick. I’m not saying don’t buy stocks or invest in your own business or whatever, but Cash is an Option on the Future. If I got booted out the door from my gig tomorrow, I would not be sitting around with my dick in my hand wondering where my next latte was coming from.

2 For 95% of you. And I said CONSUMER debt, cretins. If you’re using debt to leverage cash-producing assets to buy more cash-producing assets, that’s fine. But that’s not most people.

3 My actual cool boss had left, and the mothership unloaded some douchebag on us, just in time for him to get laid off 6 months later. They did it on purpose; it was "addition by subtraction" for them, but it fucked up my groove. He was a moron. I spent a lot of time fixing his mistakes, because he was in the habit of giving answers without knowing what the actual answer was, and he had a remarkable talent for Being Wrong. Eventually, he actually said to me, "If I make a mistake, just correct it and don't tell me." That's a great way NOT to learn, but by that time, I didn't give a shit. He was the second worst boss I've ever had. He's not #1 because he was only incompetent, not evil.

4 It was a spot near the theater and business district in that city, and this was before SBUX had arrived on the East Coast. I stopped by in the morning and it was a fan-fucking-TASTIC coffee & dessert place for late night pre-bang rendezvous. I was plating 3-5 girls at any given time then because I had to keep Feeding the Beast. The guy who ran it was Cool As Shit. He saw me come in with different girls and Never.Said.A.Word. Finally I came in with a buddy and he finally says, “Duuuude. What is up with you and all those girls?” A stand-up guy. Always kept my secrets.