Summary: Trying to get back with your ex - even if its not actually "getting back" with her - is a bad idea. Don't do it.
I've been posting on AskTRP for almost 3 years now. I've seen a lot of questions there, and by far the most asked question, asked dozens of times a day, is:
"Should I get back with my ex?"
Now the question isn't always worded that way. Sometimes its "My ex texted me, what should I do" or "My ex is being nice to me all of a sudden, why?". Like with women, you have to look at the underlying subtext to the question being asked. When a woman asks you if you have a girlfriend, what she is actually asking you is "Do other women find you attractive?". So when a guy is asking some question having anything to do with his ex, what he is actually asking is "Should I get back with my ex?".
Some of these men will try to justify/hamster away when asking a question of this nature. "I don't want to get back with her..." they say. "I just want to hang out with her or go out with her or fuck her or plate her or <anything that isn't LTRing her>". It doesn't matter what excuse you hamster up - the underlying question is still "Should I get back with my ex?".
Rollo Tomassi puts it perfectly with Iron Rule #7
It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never as valuable as you thought it was.
Even if its just to "talk to her" or "hang out with her" or "fuck her" or "plate her" and not actually get back with her - its still a bad idea. It's like eating your own vomit, eating out of your own garbage can, re-using a sheet of toilet paper. It's like trying to rebuild a car you crashed into the pond.
What's even worse than someone asking if they should get back with their ex, are the answers they get from guys who don't have a clue. They will reply with "Go for it! As long as you don't make her your girlfriend!" or "It won't hurt if you just fuck her or plate her!". Bullshit. That's shitty advice and detrimental and you are doing him no good. I always hit the downvote button with a swiftness when I see such a reply.
The thing is, when someone is asking "Should I get back with their ex", it is 100% motivated by oneitis. The man asking this question already has the answer in mind. He already WANTS to try and make an attempt to get back with her. He is just looking for others to tell him "Yeah man! Go for it!" so he can feel better about doing so and have an excuse if things go wrong - "But AskTRP told me to do it!! I just followed their advice!!". In other words, plausible deniability and confirmation bias rolled in one.
A man who doesn't have oneitis won't be thinking about getting back with his ex. It will never enter his mind. He would have ghosted her already and moved on with his life. So if you are even pondering such a question, even if its "just to talk to her" (yeah, sure) it means you still have oneitis. 3 billion women on this planet and you are still focusing on trying to rebuild a relationship with a woman you already failed with. What makes you think it would be better the second time around?
Since the oneitis is still present, its why its such a bad idea to even entertain the notion, even if its just to hang out with her or talk to her or fuck her. Oneitis is an addiction. The more you feed it, the stronger it will get and the more you will need to get your next fix. Oneitis is something you have to go cold turkey on and fuck other women besides the one you have oneitis for. By telling someone with oneitis who wants to get back with their ex "its OK if you just talk to her/fuck her/plate her!", its similar to telling a recovering alcoholic to just have a beer, just one won't hurt, or someone trying to quit smoking to have a cigarette, just one won't hurt, or a heroin addict to have a quick fix, just one won't hurt. The only way oneitis is defeated is by having willpower to go cold turkey.
So if you are wondering if you should get back with your ex - the answer is always no. Ghost her completely from your life. Delete her phone number and all forms of contact with her such as on social media. Remove her completely from your life like you would wipe a hard drive clean. "Bu bu bu bu bu I go to school with her/work with her/see her every day! I can't remove her from my life!". It doesn't matter. Unless you absolutely have no choice, re-route your paths so you don't "happen" to run into her(we know you purposely try to run into her on purpose). Ignore her completely if or when she is around, even if she talks to you.
Conclusion:
Men who ask if they should get back with their ex are doing it because they still have oneitis and are looking for other guys to tell them to do it. You are harming them by telling them anything other than NO. I don't care if the answer is "As long as you don't make her your GF, go ahead and bang her!" Oneitis can only be defeated by going completely cold turkey and fucking OTHER women.
The answer is always no - getting back with your ex is never a good idea, even if its not getting back with her as an LTR or girlfriend. Even plating or ONS'ing her is a bad idea. Completely ghosting your ex is the only option
Posting Tomassi's Iron Rule 7 again: "It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never as valuable as you thought it was."
Oneitis has killed more men than cancer.
I honestly believe that that Oneitis has literally killed thousands of men who committed suicide.
If we consider the men pyschologically killed by a Oneitis, I'd say they are millions.
And the only fucking place where men are taught how to actually overcome the huge obstacle that a Oneitis represents, showing the harsh truth and the path towards freedom, is this fucking subreddit (and the manosphere more generally).
The Red Pill and its knowledge should be mandatory knowledge for every man.
I'm sure TRP has saved lives. Literally saved.
From the Helen of Troy to your last hreatbreak, it stands that oneitis kills more men than anythin.
Trp literally saved my life. Literally.
I believe a friend of mine would be dead now if I hadn't shown him TRP
Before I found this sub I (thankfully unsuccessfully) slashed one of my wrists because I tried to reach out to my ex and she utterly crushed me. Suffered pretty serious depression and had severe suicidal tendencies. Biggest mistake of my life. Ive come a long way since then, but I still got some ways to go...
Oneitis is really a form of modern day idolatry. Women are deified by naive unsuspecting men only for them to get torn to ribbons in alimony and child support settlements. It's a pandemic in it's own class.
fuck oneitis.. I pulled myself out of cruise control mode not improving since the holidays. a natural RP friend metaphorically bitch slapped me yesterday into reality after he noticed I stopped going to the gym a few weeks ago, started hanging out often with one chick and started to compare other girls i've ran into with my ex. the RP must have been regurgitated by me after falling into another detrimental routine, glad I have friends who bitch slap me into reality before I go full BP again.
Ain't the same thing anyways? :)
The drug addiction analogy is spot on. Your oneitis is literally your drug dealer, dealing out oxytocin and dopamine. Guys become desperate for a fix even in the face of huge red flags. Inviting your ex back into your life in any capacity is playing with fire and you will be burned. It's not worth it when abundance is all around you.
Eh, where can I find a dopamine dealer? Lol.
There are many ways to release dopamine. Some more costly than others ;)
You could easily boost dopamine with levodopa, its direct precursor. And you don't even need a dealer, it's sold OTC.
Addiction potential and withdrawal included.
coke and sex are the way to go. Proceed with caution and use that combo once in a while.
That's why the focus of TRP is also on yourself, and not speifically on women. Rely on yourself for your daily dose of oxytocin and dopamine, not on others. If you can supply yourself, you will never be out of drugs. It's then when the dealers come to you.
Oneitis is not the only reason to get back with your ex. I rather think 80% of the time it is plane lazyness. Living the RP way is hard. Investing energy in new girls makes you tired. Being 'alone' after living a nice comfy BP life for many years is depressing. Just getting back to your ex is easy. She is already offering it.
If you ask 'how to get my ex back' it is a clear indicator of oneitis.
Convenience is a factor, for sure. Sex is a fundamental need, and after a week, most guys would fuck the first chick that hits them up.
Most men aren't willing to starve while they hunt for fresh meat. They're perfectly content with chewing on the bone.
that and familiarity. people shy away from change.
the laziness is the most prominent, not just because its easier to pick at old food but because some dont commit fully to the RP life, they get the girl and call it quits. they stop working out, stop dressing right, and stop practicing.
i think there are special occasions you can get back with an ex (ie, you broke up with her because she moved, or you got bored of the relationship) but if you have to ask, the answer is no.
Speaking of which I am so tired of telling new girls about myself. I groan on the inside every time I tell the stories of how I moved around and what I did and... Jesus take me now.
I am just burned out by dating.
mgtow bitch. Changed my life.
Not ready to become a monk.
Agreed. Unfortunately, it's usually more work than a new lay in the end, just easier to get to the sex. The fallout after a hookup with an ex can be so drawn out and messy. An ex telling you she misses fooling around, turning it into a bait-and-switch of her begging to get back together is one of the oldest tricks in the book.
They already know your friends and family, can easily float the idea that you're getting back together and people will take it seriously, and usually have ammunition against you which they didn't get around to using the first time you broke up.
Those guys will proceed to ignore every piece of rational advice, and fish until they get their answer.
Sometimes, people need to learn these things the hard way. Men are ego driven to a fault
"In other words, plausible deniability and confirmation bias rolled in one." All too true
I always found this to be typical female thinking.
I used to think so. now I'm online seeing guys act like women, working in the financial district, watching women with broad shoulders and tired eyes, acting like men.
Worlds passing me by
Because the average man has been feminized. Thinking of women as sex objects is wrong, you know? Haven't you been taught any manners, on how to treat a lady by being nice to her? She is more than a piece of meat! /s
Actually laughed out loud at this. This post is 100% accurate. Sadly defeating an oxytocin addiction with logic and reasoning is all but impossible for these weak men so the dumb questions will never go away and the other weak men will always be around to give their go ahead.
Struggling with this so hard right now. I broke it off with my LTR of 3 years a little over a month ago for various reasons. She's extremely attractive and was the first LTR that I've ever had oneitis for. I've been ghosting her, lifting, carpet bombing tinder, and I still have it bad. It doesn't help that we have the same group of friends. For instance, there is a bday trip for a mutual friend this weekend, and about 18 people (including my ex) that I hang out with regularly are going, my best friend and his GF included. I am staying back. Luckily I have one friend who is a bro and is staying back with me.
Good.
When this question gets asked on AskTRP and I answer it the same way I have all 1000000 times, you always get the hamster wheels going. As if there is just no possible way that they can't cross paths with their ex/oneitis. As if the OP and their oneitis are like a magnet that will come together no matter what. Even if he shot himself off into outer space in a rocket, he would somehow run into his ex/oneitis anyway.
If you can do it and be disciplined enough to stay back and not give into your oneitis, anyone can do it.
Just to be devil's advocate:
Isn't "staying away" the same thing as a chump boyfriend / Husband willing to "sleep on the couch cuz buttercup is mad and demands it".
I mean, fuck that girl. Not only has she wrecked the relationship, but she is keeping /u/ThxBungie away from his friends and a good time.
Therefore, this right here sounds very suspect:
I call bullshit. She did something to make you feel inferior and make you believe she is better than you. If you were good to initiate the walk away, then you should be strong enough to be around your friends regardless of the girl. Hiding from a girl sounds beta as f*ck.
It is the Exact Same Thing as "oneitis". Giving up something you like to do or people you like to be around to avoid a girl???
Go to the party, have fun. Ignore the bitch.
No, she did something to prove that she was no longer worth my time or effort. That's why I ended it, not the other way around.
That said, I 100% agree with you. Long term I will not allow her presence to dictate anything that I do. It's only been a month however, and this one is easily skippable.
Awesome.
I may have put too much context into the birthday party and the importance of that friend.
Yep. I'm also not going to drop $X to give my ex a free pass to spite me.
Sorry, but I have to take the other side of this argument and cannot validate your decision.
You mean, not going to drop money so you can stare at her, be jealous and overall miserable person to be around?
You are better than her, prove it.
Don't swallow the advice here. It is not a law. People change. I am an older man - 46. The advice here is from young men with a target oriented mindset that is Binary. Life is far more complex and nuanced. Do what your instinct tells you to, not someone disguising advice as Law because of dumb swagger.
Is one of the reasons you've been believing the bullshit in this echo chamber?
Do you have anything against plating her? Just keep her around exclusively for what you want to do and nothibg else and know that it's not a permanent or monogamous thing for you. I don't really see the harm in that for you.
To be fair, most guys found TRP because of their ex.
These guys have wounded egos and think getting the ex back will remove the pain.
As pointed out, that won't work but I certainly can understand why this question is so common
Guys that keep going back to the same woman often find themselves in a legal pickle.
She accuses him of domestic violence, or worse, when she completely loses respect for him.
And if you keep going back, she WILL lose respect.
This right here. "Do you want get back together?" Is an unfinished sentence, it often really includes "...so I can get my revenge."
Damn I wish I read this a year and a half ago
Done this, learned the hard way
I recently Fucked my Ex after 6months apart, the sex felt good but that wave of clarity after... knowing it's oneitis, witnessing my weak ass blue pill beta version manifest....it was horrific I was an embarrassment to the red pill community.
Picture a heroin addict. They chase after that high, finally score some dope and then sit and take in that hit. Feels good for a little bit. Then reality hits and they realize they're in a crack house with a needle in their arm.
If you can't be indifferent towards her, you're asking for trouble.
That's really interesting... I found TRP after getting the friendzone offer from my extreme oneitis. She was for sure into me when we first met, but I BP'ed her away. I'm a totally different person now, very successful with women. We haven't spoken since I (fortunately) declined her friendzone request months ago, and while I often think I'd now be strong enough to re-establish frame and make a move if we ran into each other again, I can sense that oneitis is a really psychological thing... She is somehow hardwired in my brain to be on that pedestal above me, and I could probably see myself involuntarily and unconsciously reverting back to BP ways like you said. And even still, she'd probably never be able to truly buy into my newfound alpha-dom after only knowing me as BP. Would appreciate your thoughts.
Only embarrassment would be not trying to improve yourself more after you realized what happened. Don't hamster away this experience later, remember the mistake you made and move forward.
If your life was so amazing that your bed was already full when the Ex came calling, you might not have made the mistake. Improve yourself, learn, and move forward.
It's hardly that easy. It will happen again. Plenty of guys can bed a dozen women a month but when that ONE comes calling they become putty, they hand over their power with hypnotized swirls in their eyes. The other women just don't do what this ONE does. Recognize the hold she has over you and walk away, cold turkey. Doesn't matter if it's biology, chemistry or a combination that is causing this phenomena. Recognize that it happens to ALL of us and is quite common. Develop strategies to prevent it from happening and fend it off once it develops. It's going to happen again and again.
Don't fight it, control it.
See Hank Moody. Still, enjoy this post because my pride essentially won't allow me to chase after she cheated on me and then got engaged to our classmate while my dad was on the brink of death in a hospital for 16 months. This post validates the decision I made to ignore her and him for 3 of 4 classes for 2 semesters and still to this day.
The good thing about oneitis is that it usually only happens once. After the first time the rest of break ups are like... meh, okay.
"It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never as valuable as you thought it was."
It isn't the black and white issue you make it out to be, OP. I'll use myself as an example. I had a girlfriend for about 18 months; things were going great with no problems (I had been applying a lot of TRP). We ended up breaking up because I had to move and we didn't want an LDR. There was no fight, no argument, and we split up on mature and peaceful terms. Fast forward three years, and I find myself attending grad school in the same country she lives in. We get in touch and it's almost like we just picked up where we left off. I didn't do it because I hadn't moved on; in fact, the only reason we had a second chance was entirely coincidental (the university of my choice happened to be located in the country she lives in). I had the opportunities many other women but I preferred her since she game me sex and a fulfilling relationship (few red flags). Did I still have feelings for her? Sure. We didn't end on bad terms so why wouldn't I? Did it influence my decision of picking her over other girls? Yeah, it did. But that doesn't mean she was the only girl on my mind. Just because I preferred her over many other girls does not mean I came at it from a position of weakness or scarcity. I saw in her more than what I saw in other women and I made a choice.
I think the "oneitis" lable should be exclusive to those people who are still emotionally dependent on others with whom they have had an unhealthy relationship in the past. Just because you like one girl over other girls does not mean you have "oneitis."
How many other dudes do you think were pounding her into oblivion while you guys were apart?
That's a different case and not what OP or Rollo is talking about. Right in the Iron Rule #7 it says the words failed relationship. Ending an LTR on good terms because you had to move isn't exactly a failed relationship. Rooting through the trash isn't really an analogy that applies when no one put it in the trash in the first place.
Your experience is a very very rare exception.
Damn. You worked your ass off for three years planning to attend grad school in her home country just so you had the chance to rekindle your oneitis?
Holy fuck. Lol
Sorry to burst your bubble, but you sound like you're making your ex out to be a special snowflake. You should be sleeping with numerous other girls-- and make no mistake, they can offer what she did and more. You sound like you need to expand your horizons. Good or bad terms, it doesn't matter how the relationship ended, just that you need to move on.
Why isn't this ultra dank post 50 points ahead, you might ask?
because the truth fucking hurts !
I'm surprised this post is so highly rated.
Most the post is spent making vulgar and empty analogies on why you shouldn't get back with an ex or verbosely going through different ways people ask about their exs, but offering no substance. After getting through literally 5 paragraphs it finally states it's main idea which is all desire to get back with an ex is a form of oneitis which is obviously not entirely true and not necessarily even mostly true. It may be the case that's a huge risk factor, but it's only a hypothesis and one that is not backed up in this post at all. It is merely stated, assumed to be true and then talks about how it's singular hypothesis has downsides.
Arguments I've found that were more persuasive and sophisticated than this post and also come to the same answer to the "Should I get back with my ex" question are:
Having a proper dynamic and frame with an ex is extremely hard if not impossible. If you were on the weaker side of the relationship she will remember your betaness and use it against you and if you were on the stronger side then either you walked for a reason that probably still exists (people rarely change) or there will simply be baggage.
It's easier to form a new positive first impression than get someone to reimagine you. It's simply how our minds work.
Finally, there may be cases where exs can interact in a mutually beneficial ways. It's rare and hard to pull off, but confident, wise men are not intimidated inherently by risk and judge things more often by specific circumstances rather than dogmatic principles.
Thank you someone else who thinks this post is over the top. Long story short I posted more below. But I got back with my ex and have never been happier. The problem was the first time around. I didn't have my shit together. She did. And I was in no position to be in a relationship. She is the closest thing To a unicorn I have found (seriously and I've been around).
Now that I have my shit together I can better operate in the relationship to make us both happy. And she overall makes my life better and easier
What I needed to hear, thanks. You're helping men.
I agree with everything said.
Only reason you shouldn't completely ghost her is, if you have a kid with said woman. Even then, the relationship remains because of your child. Do NOT fuck her. Just had my ex ask me to get back with her. This post hits close to home. TRP is about betterment and becoming the best version of you. You are you're own Tyler Durden. Don't let go of your kids because their mother is a bitch, teach them fundamentally important values and hope they catch on to what you teach them. TRP isn't just about fucking women, its about being great men, the greatest YOU can be.
I'm fighting an uphill battle with the mother of my daughter. Its become hard for me to see my daughter, and this shit is getting annoying. Awalt wake the fuck up. Thank god i didn't marry
Nigga.
You are way too strident. Your immediate ex I can understand, but as you age or just get smart, pussy once removed is key to building a stable. Girls I haven't dated in 20 years hit me up; I fuck and we're both happy. It's not a relationship thing. It's the confidence to get what you want and still walk away.
I will fuck any of my exes.
I will not exclusively fuck any of my exes.
If you're doing TRP right you'll have dozens of exes. Denying pussy simply because it wasn't right once emotionally doesn't mean the pussy is now garbage. In many cases like subcultures and small towns throughout the world fucking your ex is the only option once in a while. DON'T GET CAUGHT UP, but fucking a broad you haven't fucked in years can be spectacular.
I'll leave you with this. Curb your hate for women. Fuck em, friend em, and walk away as you choose. It's the essence of abundance mentality
This is what you got from my post?
Are you actually retarded?
If you're so Nazi that a used bitch is no bitch at all to you, yep. Seems like you're having a really long anger phase, because the pinnacle of TRP is amused mastery; not just of women but self. If you think running your mouth to other people about how your way is THE way with a bunch of unequivocal statements that defeats major portions of TRP, ask yourself who the retard really is.
100% agree with you here. There's a ridiculous saturation of anger phase articles on this sub - I'll read them, some make good points, but most of them I just roll my eyes and move on. No good relationship ends in a break-up...that I agree with. Don't try to date again. But if she's hot, the sex is good, and there's an opportunity to do it with her again, fucking do it if you want. Women aren't terrible people - but if you're a pussy they'll walk all over you and you'll feel like a little bitch. I think the biggest takeaway from TRP is to not be naive about women, grow a pair of balls, and learn how to be confident in one's self.
Perfect post for the purple pill sub, youd fit right in
No anger phase here buddy.
I think you are just butthurt that you try to game exes and your hamster cant keep up because you know its a bad idea
Mmmmmmaybe you're the retard.
There are probably rare cases where getting back with your ex isn't the worst idea in the world, but goddamn are they rare lol.
Do you think school is the exception? I broke up with my ex because I was going to school full time (computer science) and also working part time, I didn't even have time to take a shower. I do want to see him again but if he doesn't want me back I understand.
Dude is golden. My copy of The Rational Male will be in in a few days. I can't wait to read it.
I also picked up Getting to Yes. Seems solid so far.
Getting to Yes is an awesome book. I opted for the audiobook version of The Rational Male on Audible. Incredible value.
Man, I can't do audio books. They put me to sleep.
Oh I did it and I fucking regret it every day, relationship was dead, she was a cheating lying immature person with crocodile tears. Relationship lasted 2 or 3 more months then it ended. I almost went into depression now I'm 5 months after the break up (first gf of 2 years) and I'm in the greatest shape of my life, never been this light, my muscles are starting to come in, and fucking girls out of nowhere want to hang out. If I knew where I would be in 5 months when I finally ended that shit relationship I wouldn't beleive it. There are LITERALLY BILLIONS of women on the earth, why the fuck was I trying to stay with 1. I'm lucky and learned this lesson at the age of 18.
I have my weights class at school with my ex. She was my first real "love" (oneitis), and when I lost her it killed me a little UNTIL I realized and fully accepted that she used me the majority of our relationship, and is a shitty person. Thanks to TRP and my own effort I have real muscles now and am a lean 145-pound man.
I catch her staring at me all the time (don't know if it's because of my looks, or muscles, probably both), gazing at me with her friends in hopes that I'll look over at her and instantly fall back in love with her. Not one look. She is ghosted forever in my book, I will never give her the attention of even a little staring or a look because she doesn't even deserve that. The funny thing is that she has a boyfriend now, although he is a fat, ugly slob, no wonder she stares. Probably one of the only times she gets to see real muscles on a real man.
If she were to come up to me and try to say something, I would walk right past her like she wasn't even there. She is forever crossed off the list, I wouldn't even fuck her, she does not deserve that. The point here is don't pay your ex any attention, there is a reason they are an EX and it should stay that way, don't fall back into the trap of oneitis, you'll just get hurt again in the end.
sounds like you're completely over her :-/
Probably not fully, but mostly for sure. Doubt me if you would like, but I am sure I am at leats 98% over that bitch, abundance mentality right?
Great rundown of how it goes.
I like to make a distinction between my "BP ex's" and "RP ex's". The BP ones OP described very well. Old trash with weird-ass, emotonal blue pill expectations attached, expectations that never match the reality.
The RP ex's are usually past short term plates, who drifted away, found a different guy etc. Sometimes they come back all by themselves and throw themselves at you. Never had any problems with taking those RP ex's back even if it's only for a short fling. They're fun and no real reason to burn that bridge if you don't especially care that she left to begin with.
That's really interesting... Do you think those BP expectations of the BP exes ever go away? Or just takes a long time? I found TRP after getting the friendzone offer from my extreme oneitis. She was for sure into me when we first met, and we really clicked, but I BP'ed her away. I'm a totally different person now, very successful with women. We haven't spoken since I (fortunately) declined her friendzone request months ago, and while I often think I'd now be strong enough to re-establish frame and make a move if we ran into each other again, I can sense that oneitis is a really psychological thing... She is somehow hardwired in my brain to be on that pedestal above me, and I could probably see myself involuntarily and unconsciously reverting back to BP ways with her like you are talking about. And even still, she'd probably never be able to truly buy into my newfound "alpha-dom" after only knowing me as BP. Would appreciate your thoughts.
That's exactly what happens if you try that. And it's not because this girl is somehow special objectively, or even special for you personally. She's only such a big deal because back in the day you formed a nasty, dependent, mother-child type blue pill attachment to her.
No matter how much progress you make, that blue pill attachment is still sitting there, waiting to spring itself on you if you give it a trigger. You can be completely RP with dozens of new girls, enjoying yourself and seeing a lot of success, happiness with them. Then the oneitis enters stage left and it's like you're back to your blue pill days, obsessing and worshipping her.
Doesn't have anything to do with the girl's qualities. It's all going on in your head.
Ironically in my experience women haven't got that problem at all, they adapt very easily to a man's new status. Whether it increased or decreased, she'll observe for a bit and then treat you accordingly. Not a problem to them, they know a man's status is a fluctuating quality. So she would probably have no issue seeing you as "more alpha now", but that doesn't help you much if you've already formed in your mind those blue pill unconscious associations regarding this woman.
When you're in the middle of that oneitis, it feels like the best thing ever, doesn't it? You're getting such a rush of drama, feelings from the beaten up ego, urges to somehow "prove yourself" to her or whatever. From a red pill point of view, this is nothing special and isn't even interesting in terms of romance. Because you see very clearly how it's not even about the romance, at the end of the day. Nor is it about the girl. It's just a guy having a typical blue pill-induced emotional seizure, she is not the one doing this to you and she can have absolutely no idea what is happening.
That makes a ton of sense, thanks so much, man. I once read on here someone saying that a guy in my shoes could reapproach and re-establish frame by just "telling those butterflies to fuck off," but it seems a lot deeper than that... While I could see a single first interaction playing out well in my favor, I suspect maintaining that longer-term would be insanely difficult and near impossible due to that dependent attachment you mentioned. This is proven at least by the guy above who banged his oneitis ex but horrifically reverted to BP ways and was "an embarrassment to the Red Pill community."
It NEVER goes away, huh? I thought Pook overcame it?
It's not so much that I want to "win her" or anything- since finding TRP I've already experienced how hot and preferable it is when you make an incredibly alpha first impression on an HB9 and the tension and admiration from her is there from the beginning- that is the ideal way to start something with a girl, I get that. I just think the concept of oneitis is fascinating. -And, yes, I admit that I'd prefer to make SOME kind of alpha final impression on the oneitis if I do run into her again.
Similarly, I've read both Rollo and I think Roissy saying that women NEVER forget the former weak beta you once were. "Once a beta, always a beta." That's interesting that you've experienced otherwise.
When in doubt, NEXT. cultivate abundance
The thing about playing the field is that it takes time and energy. I have a packed schedule. I wanna spend Friday night with the ex reminiscing and listening to her work and family stories? Nah, there are more exciting and fresh things going on.
The main thing bout this kind of lifestyle we are trying to live is that even if you are really plating someone just for sex, you still need to spend the time and energy on that person. For the last half of last year I was gaming 3 or 4 different women at any time, and it got so tiring. The ex didnt even get a look in or warrant a thought, my free time was booked up in advance.
If you have enough time to see a few different women and then still go and bone your ex then good for you, but I have not got the time for that.
A good analogy I can give for why this is a bad idea is that I've gone back to a job or two I'd moved on from while I'm between other jobs. I quickly realize I left because I learned the skills I could, hit a ceiling in the company, didn't lIle the environment or simly didn't care for the work afyer trying it. It the same for an ex. Maybe for a brief moment there's a fondness, but it snostalgia of what was, not appreciation for what is. If you left, you had a reason. If she left, you're devaluing yourself. Either way you womt be satisfied, so let it go and keep trying new things until you hit a point where you're happy enough where tou are to stay in that situation for a while. Then you'll find another one.
I dunno man, one time I got drunk and threw away my wallet. Did not regret fishing it out of the trash. There was like 80 bucks in there.
But yea. Don't get back with your ex. You're gonna have a bad time.
I completely agree with your post. One doesn't understand how perfect an analogy it is to say "you wouldn't eat your vomit, would you?" until you're dumb enough to start talking to an ex. It isn't hyperbole. It isn't an exaggeration. Without fail, talking to an ex, and allowing anything aside from straight ghosting them, winds up being as disgusting as eating your own vomit.
I too have noticed even in the TRP sphere here on reddit, a lot of guys encouraging the "plating" of exes. I too agree with you here. No no no FUCKING no! Whatever sex you may enjoy simply is not worth the mental effort to maintain your stance and frame. Plus you broke up with her; either by her choice or yours. Either way, you're a fucking chump for pleasuring someone who ditched you, or you're a pussy for not standing by your decision.
Even if there wasn't 3.5 billion other women, and she was the only one; fuck that. Breaking up with a woman needs to be final. And a man needs to be capable and willing to do it when it becomes obviously apparent as the right choice of action. If he must do it, then do it. If she dumps him first, he needs to mentally ghost her and "break up with her" on his end. And when she comes back thinking he'll be a broken man from her leaving, she needs to find the door closed and the boy she thought she was toying with is actually a man who moves on after a break-up.
Your post is gold sir.
To call failed relationships "trash" is the wrong mentality for me. Yes most relationships will end horribly, but for example, there is the rare few girls who I maintain great friendships with. We have plenty of red pill conversations (they don't know about the red pill) and they always keep it real with me. But they know that if they ever wanted to be my main chick again it would be an uphill battle.
So I'm back with an ex-oneitis. Here's the kicker, I have oneitis for a different girl now. So the original girl does nothing for me! Now I can treat her as indifferently as a standard plate and it drives her wild! It's an amazing feeling to look at this girl I had so high on a pedestal and now see her looking up at me.
Doesn't help that I have oneitis for someone else but still.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJhylYtDGRA
Huge eye opener this was for me. Was out of a relationship with my ex for 1 month and we started hanging out and fucking again after that point up until today. I have to stop this behaviour immediately. What a pussy I am for even hanging around with her let alone putting my cock in her few times a week.
Me and my good friend both lost our gfs at the same time and we both were going through shitty times and shitty oneitis recovery. Both of us around the same time went back to our ex women. I see so clearly now how fucking pathetic we were. I messaged him and sent him this redpill post and told him we need to man up and stop, he responded with haha "they sure owned you man" Hes doing pretty much the same thing as me hanging out with his ex and fucking her, I want him to understand that hes being a stupid beta faggot, just as I have been and obviously still am. I responded to him "your situation is no different man" and his response was a smart ass, "Except for quality of female in question" basically paying out my ex gf him implying his ex woman is a higher standard or some other stupid bullshit he believes, which to me is only further proving his oneitis he has. He keeps making excuses, but isnt he just exactly what this fucking post says, Im admitting to my fucking bluepill shitty betaness why cant he!?
Don't worry about him. No offense but you're sounding a bit codependent with your buddy. You do you. Let him have his fairy tale delusion. In the long run you will be better off if you move forth cuz your bud isn't ready yet
Yeah your right, just wanted to try wake him up out of his delusion is all. Seems like most men can only learn the hard way these days, like myself.
Does quality matter? She's just good to be around. Non sex is good, sexually its silly. I just had my first gang bang and I still rather just chill with my ex.
It's not only that, but old issues resurface, it's like words that were spoken can never be taken back. So, yes, correct, no contact with ex.
"It's like eating your own vomit, eating out of your own garbage can, re-using a sheet of toilet paper. It's like trying to rebuild a car you crashed into the pond."
Perfect analogy. She should be dead to you. However I would rebuild that car.
Youre right. This applies to me. Im dating, doing my TRP plan, rolling hard with no regard. My ex has a new man. Yet, Im still fucking her. On occasion. Told myself I dont want a relationship. Yeah...
It makes it hard cuz nexting her and moving on TRP style was a sure way of getting her to stress me and want my approval.
An Ex is an Ex for a reason
Needed this today. Ran into my old Oneitis at the liquor store right before my birthday and it has been playing on my mind. And just like OP said we look for the excuse to try.
Thankfully walked away from the situation when it happened to me.
Still, like a recovering addict, there are times when I want what I know is bad for me... I just come here and read the reminders until I feel strong again.
In other news, got two different girls lined up for this weekend. Abundance mentally and having fun.
Never wanted to go back to an ex... Did I think about banging the shit out of them a time or two? Sure did! That doesn't mean I have oneitis.
Two of my friends back in college got back with their exes. Both failed, again, within a year. There's a reason why people break up, and that will never go away even if you get back together. Both are now with different women and seem far happier.
Basically, you lose respect if you go back to a girl you broke up with. It shows that you can't do better than her.
deleted What is this?
What a phenomenal post. I'm dealing with some oneitis issues right now and this really helped me. Thanks TRP
Thank you. It makes no sense why these people even ask. Now I have never been in an actual relationship, but have had fuck buddies and once they truly break things off, then it's OVER.
That's idiotic. As long as they are girls you solely dated for sex, there isn't a single reason to not fuck them again once they return unless they are drama queens or high maintenance in any other way.
True, I think I meant it from the perspective that when you are seeing someone for sex and they break things off with you, then chances are she will never be interested again.
Just my own experience.
Isn't true for plates. If you always handled them well and didn't act salty when they told you they want to go, but wished them well, chances are very high that they will return somewhere in the future.
Never a relationship? How old are you?
I am 25 years old and yes, I have never had a girlfriend. It just never happened in high school and in college. I've been out of college for a few years and I just never really focused on it. Just focusing on myself.
Even asking this question in the first place clearly demonstrates lack of abundance mentality.
Refucking an ex LTR is a terrible idea no matter what. But if she was a plate then yeah there is no reason to not fuck her again if she isn't insane. But you have to ask yourself if your frame is strong enough to fuck her and not catch feelings? If you're already fucking plates and want to re-add her to the line up, sure why not? BUT if you're fucking her out of scarcity you are really hurting yourself and future growth for yourself. You're using her pussy as a crutch to hamster yourself into think that its ok because you're still fucking pussy right?? No... No its not and I'm speaking from experience.
This is the exact hamstering garbage I see on AskTRP. Why not? Because its a shitty idea.
If she's JUST A PLATE, yes. Do you understand what a plate is? Plate doesn't = LTR.
My point is if she is just a plate, and you are already fucking other plates then its totally ok. But men asking such questions such as "Should I get back with my ex?" Aren't even in the realm of men this applies too, so it really does them no good. But if you're a man that has swallowed the pill and understand the dynamics of such a relationship with a plate and have other plates then there is no reason to not fuck her. Under the same umbrella the same type of guy wouldn't go out of a way to fuck a plate that he dropped for a specific reason. You're trying to paint everyone under the same brush when theres defintely a lot more too it. But only around 5-10% of men even fall under this certain category and the majority of men would do better to heed your advice, but my point is that's not always going to be the case.
That's a lot of words to hamster here. EVEN IF ITS JUST A PLATE... its STILL like rooting through the trash.
Obviously too many words for you to understand.
I have to disagree with this to an extend and even if you want to downvote me for that hear me out. . I have got back with my ex and our relationship has been better than ever. Here is why, I was no where in the position to be in a relationship when we first dated. I was a drug addict and did not have my shit together at all (I hid it very well). I cheated. And was just shitty to her when in reality she was really a great girlfriend.
When I finally got my shit together and went my own way plating tons of women. It was fun but my goals changed and I wanted someone there who was going to make my life/job/goals easier. When I looked back she was it. She had a low partner count did everything I asked of her. Doesn't drink, Was loyal and was raised very well and a lot more. I have been with tons of woman and I just haven't found someone as receptive to red pill behaviors as her. I'm very glad I got back with her. Because now I am in a spot to make the relationship work. It was me not her who needed to change.
This is just a different perspective on this. And one circumstance where it may be beneficial to take an ex back and give it another try. If it's 100% what you want
This sums it up perfectly, some guys will never learn.
And i talk about the guys affected with oneitis and those MOTHERFUCKING IDIOTS claiming to be alpha and suggesting to bang and plate the girl this guys is obsessed about.
You are motherfucking stupid as hell and at the very start of every possible path to a better mindset.
Try telling that to some in this thread
So I am currently with this dilemma... What if my ex has my daughter? I don't know if I can fix our very broken relationship,but I believe she truly loves me (5 years with my daughter and never asked me for money.. Only asks me to comeback and be a good father)
Yup I have 2 kids with my ex and while getting back together isn't on the table right now it would be difficult to say no to her if she would ever change her mind .
She doesn't truly love you. You are deluding yourself.
Yeah my problem is I think like that... but again she doesn't use my daughter against me , I buy everything for my daughter because I want.. not because she asks...in fact she doesn't receive a euro from me in cash, she received only gifts I choose for my daughter ..if she wants she could really f*ck me financial but never did.. That's make me questions why doesn't she take advantage of me?
Exception to the norm because of the child dynamic
"When a woman asks you if you have a girlfriend, what she is actually asking you is "Do other women find you attractive?"" had to stop reading there, as it is obviously utter bullshit and begs the question, "Does OP actually interact with other human beings?"
Do you even know what a shit test is?