TIFU by sleeping with a married woman.

69,372 points•4,932 comments•submitted by gregrawry to r/tifu82115

So, this is gonna be long and one hell of a ride. NSFW or for anyone, really. And I may not be alive much longer, because I’m probably going to be murdered.

I’m at the bar the other night, watching the Hall of Fame Game. After it’s over, I go over to charge my phone, and get one last drink before I Uber home. This girl sitting next to me, very attractive. Out of my league. Like wayyy out. I’m just scrolling through memes on my phone. And she asks me

“hey! Can I trust you to watch my things and not drug me?”

“Uhh what?”

“Can you watch my stuff while I go pee and not drug me”

to which the bartender said “oh you can trust Greg, he’s really nice”. Annnd this is where the bartender fucked up.

Girl comes back from the bathroom, sits back down and started to talk to me. Just random shit. Showed pictures of our dogs to each other. Talked about shows n stuff. Typical ‘meet a girl at a bar’ flirting shit. She asks if I’ve ever seen the show Years and Years. I say “no, but I’ve seen the band perform live”. So she goes on about how great the show is, and how I need to watch it. Asks if I have HBOGO. “Yes because I forgot to cancel my cable after GoT”. So she makes me download the APP, so I could start watching it when I get home. Thanks for the recommendation! I’ll probably check it out never. So a few minutes later, she said

“hey do you live close by?”

“Yea, like half a mile”

“we should go watch the show right now, we can curl up on your couch and watch it together. I have a bottle of whiskey in my car”

“Idk, my house is kind of a mess right now”

“That’s okay, I have pets too” (or something like that. All I was thinking was that this girl wants to bang at this point)

“I mean I guess, but I have to be at work early tomorrow”

“That’s okay, I can only stay 30-40 minutes and then I’ll have to go home” “That’s fine” heh, cuz that’s all the time I’ll need! AM I RIGHT, FELLAS??

No. Nononono, this was probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life at this point.

It’s about, 11pm at this point. I think? And mind you, I’ve only been talking this girl for maybe 20 minutes.

So we tab out, get in her car. Which is a stick shift. And I say “oh no shit, I like you even more now! No one drives a stick anymore! I drive one every day!” Which I’m excited about, because at this point I’m thinking to myself “hmm this girl is hot, has tattoos, likes shows I like, and imma bout to get laid”

We talked about driving a stick shift the whole time on the way to my house (this is important, because it wasn’t the first time that this subject came up). Which is just a half mile away. So was a short drive. She parks behind my car, blocking my car in.

Go inside, I try to clean up a little bit as she meets and plays with my dog. While I try to get my Chromecast set up on my living room TV. Ya know, to “watch HBOGO”.

She runs outside to her to grab the bottle of whiskey.

It’s fucking Evan Williams.

And this is the first time where an “oh no” thought crosses my mind.

Kids, I’ve slept with some strange in my time. I don’t know how or why I get myself into these situations. I honestly feel that I’m a decent looking, charming, sometimes funny, nice person. Sure I troll the fuck out of people on the interwebs, but I do genuinely care about other people. Being nice does pay off, and karma is a real thing. But in this case, I was dead wrong.

So after some talking about random shit. We get the show playing. I couldn’t even tell you what happened in the first few moments of that show, because she gets up grabs me by the hand, and leads me into my bedroom.

Sex.

So after, we’re just laying there. Pillow talk. Was a good night. I just got laid. She asked if she could stay the night. We’re gonna go to sleep. Everything is cool. I let her know that I have to be at work in a few hours, so I need to get some rest.

Now, up to this point in the story, it all sounds like a great night. Pulled off another one night stand. high fives all around Right?

Wrong.

I say “that was great we should do this again sometime”

“I don’t think so”

“What why?”

“I don’t think my husband would appreciate that”

I am speechless. I don’t think I’ve ever felt my heart skip that many beats ever. Millions of thoughts crossed my mind all at once. Like, how the fuck did I not see this coming. Omg imma home wrecker. I’m probably gonna get shot of he finds out.

Me: “Ummmmmmm WHAT? Is this an open relationship? Does he know where you’re at? Like, why didn’t you tell me that?”

Her: “idk, does it matter?”

“Uh yeah, I’d be pretty pissed if I was him”

Now I’ve been cheated on before. And that feeling sucks. I’ve been in a similar situation like, 10 years ago. Where I didn’t know that I was sleeping with someone who had a bf at the time. I had found out a couple days later, and I found him on fb and let him know. He thanked me, and didn’t get mad at me at all. Cheating is the worse thing ever.

So this is where shit starts to hit the fan. I don’t remember the exact conversation, but it went something like this:

Her: “we’re getting separated soon”

Me: “well you’re still fucking married to him”

“Yea but that’s okay”

“How is that okay?”

“He’s been..... abusive”

There’s a slight pause, then she starts crying. So this is where the sober me starts to kick in. This girl is struggling. She’s in a bad spot. And no one should ever lay a finger on a woman. And now I’m trying to empathize with this trashy Evan Williams drinking bitch. Like I legit felt bad from all the shit that she was telling me.

Que the panic attack.

She starts going nuts. Ripping posters off my wall, running around my house butt naked. Knocking shit over. Basically trashing my house.

She asks me to get her medicine out of her purse. Which I do. She takes it. And calms down. (For the most part).

Now this is like, 2 or 3 am now. I tell her that we need to go to sleep. Because I have to work in the morning. She tells me “(bartender) was right, you are a really great guy” Btw, Evan Williams isn’t that bad when you’re slightly inebriated and you just had sex with a crazy bitch.

We finally get to sleep around 4? Maybe? I wake up late, she wants round 3. And who doesn’t like morning sex. I’m still kinda drunk at this point, and could give 0 fucks. So I gave her a fuck.

Anyways, I need to leave for work. But her car is blocking mine. I tell her that she needs to move hers, but she can’t because she didn’t know where her clothes were. And told me I couldn’t move it because “I didn’t know how to drive it”

“Uhh, this is the third time we’ve had this conversation. I drive a stick every day, I can move your car”

I move her car. I leave for work. And I just let her stay at my house. I let her stay because one, the shit that she told me about her husband is pretty crazy. Two, I was already running late, and fuck it she’ll probably leave before I get home.

A couple hours into my shift, she stops responding to my texts. I get concerned, because I’m starting to sober up, and piecing all this shit together. I came to the conclusion that I should find the husband on fb, and message him, letting him know what happened.... BUT, I see that she had already messaged him. FROM MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT! My computer was still logged into fb when I left, and I didn’t think to log out or shut it off or anything.

I tell my boss about everything that has happened up until this point. He lets me go home. When I get home, I find her still naked in my bed. I get her friend to get her an Uber. And I leave. Oh also had the sex one more time because 🤷‍♂️.

Go back to work. Thinking everything is over. That’s the end of that. Wrong again.

I get home from work, to find her on my couch wearing one of my shirts. And only that shirt. Like vag all out and everything. This girl is afraid to go home. Which I’m worried about at this point. Because I want her to go somewhere safe. She’s refusing to reach out to any friends and what not.

Oh yea, she had me find her phone. Which had 40 something messages and 28 missed calls from her husband. And several others from other people.

She hands me $20 to order a pizza. And after we eat the pizza, she’d Uber home. Fuckin bet. I ordered the pizza, and she wanted one last round of the sex before the pizza got there.

I kid you not. I’m sitting on one end of the couch, her on the other. And she just opens her legs and says “make it quick”

This bitch has already hit and kicked me, trashed my house, and I’m just ready for her to leave.

Sex.

After, we’re just sitting there, and she starts crying again. Asking to go home. And I’m like

“I’ll get you an Uber home, but you gotta put pants on” “No”

“What do you mean ‘no’? You can’t get in an Uber with your pussy out”

“No”

So I gather up all of her belongings and clothes. And try to help her get dressed. To which she refused to allow me to do.

Most guys will agree, one of the hottest things ever... That “arch” thing that women do when you’re pulling their panties off is a fucking amazing feeling.

I had the same feeling when I got her panties ON.

Pizza arrives. I go outside, sign for the pizza n stuff. Come back inside. Panties are off again. God dammit.

We never even opened the pizza box. She’s saying that she wants to go home. But is refusing to get dressed. I’m starting to panic myself. Because I don’t know how I got myself into this situation. But, am me.

She eventually hands me her phone, with the conversation that’s she having with her husband. And I read through the conversation, it’s her sending multiple texts saying “I’m so sorry babe” “idk where I’m at” “come get me”. And him saying “nope sorry” “this is on you” and “call 911”

That last one though. That’s what I did.

Before I called 911, I offered to drive her car back to the bar where we met, because I knew the husband would give her a ride back there. And not to my house. Because now I’m starting to worry about my safety. I don’t want homeboy to show up on my porch with a shotty. But then again she states that “you don’t know how to drive my car” with it being a stick and all. Even though this is 4th or 5th time this was brought up in conversation.

I told them that I have an inebriated woman in my house that is refusing to leave, even though she wants to leave. Etc. I tried to call our one mutual friend, (the bartender from the previous night) but she didn’t answer.

The ~20 minutes before the cops arrived were the most awkward 20 minutes of my life. This girl is drunk crying. Trying to get me to go for yet another round. Where at this point, my dick hurts. Also, “girl you need to get dressed, you’re gonna be going home”

Finally got her panties back on, I didn’t tell her that I had called the cops. I told her that the Uber was coming. And was trying to get her to put her pants on.

Cops show up, I go outside. Explain the situation, was kind of freaking out. But I kept my calm. I told them that I was concerned about her safety, because of all the shit that she told me about her husband. But they can’t force her to go anywhere she didn’t want to. She wanted to go home. Officers ask if she was presentable. I pop my head back in the door. She’s still wearing my shirt and her panties. So I’m like “I guess?”, and then I let them in.

She yells “are you fucking serious? You called the cops?” “Uh yea, you didn’t wanna leave. Even though you said you did. Plus your husband said to call 911, so that’s what I did”

The officer said to her “you’re on this man’s property, and he wants you to leave”

Que crying and what not.

Cops ask me to gather all of her stuff. Which I do. Her husband calls her phone, so I accept the call, and then put it up to her face. Tell her to tell him what’s happening. And that she is getting an Uber home. Apparently her card and PayPal was getting declined for the ride. So she couldn’t do it herself. They live like 5 miles away from me, so it was only $8 or something. I live pretty close to downtown, so ordering a Lyft/Uber usually takes 2-3 minutes after calling for one. Once cops tell her that her ride is on the way, and gonna be here within 2 minutes... Girl finally decides to get dressed.

I had to help a 30 year old woman put pants on... I could see the officer’s partner struggling to keep a straight face during that ordeal. Lol.

Anyways, I hand her hat, keys, bra, shirt (she’s still wearing mine) to the officer. Made sure she had all of her belongings. We get her to walk out of my house to the Uber. But she tried to grab the bottle of Evan Williams. To where I audibly laughed. “I don’t think they’ll let you take that”

Cops didn’t let her take it. She got in the Uber and she was gone. Policeman handed me the bottle back. Where I say “usually this is the other way around, ha”

Po-po leave, I call it a night, and it’s over.

Flash forward to today. I get a message from our mutual friend (the bartender) and she’s asking if crazy girls keys are at my house. I was at work at the time. So I wasn’t able to check. But I’m 98% certain I handed those over to the cops. I look for them when I get home. Found nothing.

Oh, and this girls car is still parked across the street from my house.

So that brings us to now. I haven’t heard anything from her. Or the husband. And I’m not sure if it’s safe for me to go home. But ya. Know what? Fuck it. I’m glad I could share this story with y’all. There might be more to come, but you’ll probably have to read about it in my obituary.

The moral of the story is, drug every girl that asks you not to drug them at a bar. 😂

Jk don’t do that.

And don’t stick your dick in crazy.

TLDR: Took a girl home who I didn't know was married. She trashed my house.

Edit: I’m not gonna change “que” to “cue” because fuck you, deal with my mistakes while I deal with mine.

Edit 2: the messages, https://imgur.com/gallery/jju2GIa

Edit 3: her car is still there. Can’t get it towed, because it’s on a public street. I’m still alive. I see a lot of you have sent me messages privately. I’ll get to them when I can.

Edit 4: FML. I sent her a text saying that she needs to come get her car. No response. Bartender texted me late last night and asked if I used a condom. Which many of you have asked.... And no. I didn't. The girl told me that she was on birth control and that she's allergic to latex. So I think I may have been baby baited.

Edit 5: I’m still not dead. Her car is still in front of my across the street neighbor’s house. I just happened to see said neighbor step outside to smoke a cigarette. So I walked across the street to tell her about the circumstances of getting that car towed, since it’s front of their house... This woman is only wearing a bra and either boy shorts or short shorts. And she’s most likely high on meth. Because when I asked her “hey do you wanna get this car that’s in front of your house towed?” She said “no, noooo hehe” I’m like “yea, I’ll talk to y’all tomorrow” just wtf.

UPDATE

I’ve been texting a mutual friend of the couple. Apparently the husband is a really good guy, and this has (probably) happened before. I’m in the works of a TIFUpdate. But I’ll need time for editing screenshots and stuff. I’d like to protect the privacy of those involved, but I’m just too lazy to do it right now.