I write this from a very weird place in my life. In the middle of what I now know is depression, I realize how much I have fallen. I was at the ‘top’ not too long ago, at least on an external level. Being the captain of a top D1 college soccer team, an international student well known on campus, top grades in my master’s program dating arguably the hottest girl on campus, life was good to me. We are all brought here united through posts probably due to a girl who ripped our hearts out or those who simply think they got it all together and want to help others.

Fast forward two months, the girl that I was with has now ended it with me and is talking to her ex again and other guys entering her CockCarousel years. I graduated from my master’s program with no job prospects and no idea what I want to do. My soccer eligibility is now over meaning the highest level of sports I will ever compete in is over. I have lost 8 kilograms, I cannot bare to look at myself in the mirror, I do not want to leave my bed, I talk to no one anymore and my teammates do not even know I left the country or seem to care. This is not meant to be a sob fest, I apologize if it comes across like one, but I’m stuck. I don’t want to group all of us together, some of your guy’s lives are exceptional, for the ones struggling like me, are we the failed ones? We write how the best times of our years are yet to come, but, I cannot imagine life getting better than what I just had. Banging girls in college, being the man on campus, girls coming to me because of my status, the options, the social status I had.

I returned to Europe a few days ago, leaving America behind and any future I had there over. Still thinking about this girl who messages me and now says she misses me, I question every decision I have made. I have now been put on anti-depressants, barely functioning and able to talk due to the fact that I have no direction, no purpose, and think of this girl daily fighting my intentions, like a leaf in the middle of a windy storm I do not know where I will land. Sometimes, I think about taking my own life, because simply living has become hard. Deep down I have felt this way for a while. Waking up and making food which doesn’t want to go down me is hard to digest. Showering, shaving, is almost as hard as figuring out an algebraic formula. I’m lost. I’m scared. I read your posts every day and I wonder if they are posted to make us feel better. I see my friends happy with girls for a few years that they plan to marry. Here I am at 25, alone, no job, no direction, back in my parents’ house, literally melting away, wondering if I can go on like this for much longer.

I have failed.