How to be confident

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April 20, 2017

The internet is full of articles and videos that supposedly teach how to be confident. Most of this shit is useless because confidence is an incredibly complex subject and takes sustained work to develop and maintain. There is no magic formula for confidence, and it can easily be lost. This article is my attempt, but don’t rely on it.

Confidence is a complex mixture of positive thoughts and emotions. Actions create emotions, emotions create thoughts, and emotions and thoughts together create action. The emotions-thoughts-actions axis can either be a virtuous cycle, each improving the others, or it can be a negative cycle, each making the next thing shittier. I seek here to explain how to create a virtuous cycle of confidence.

The first part of this article discusses confidence in general, and the second part discusses confidence in the context of getting laid.

I can summarize the main points of this essay as follows:

1) Confidence is faith that you will succeed at whatever you do. To have faith, you must see reality as governed by rationality and logic, and that all you need to do is use this rationality to achieve your goals. You must not see as reality as “out to get you.”

2) To become confident you must re-wire your brain’s reward pathways such that you feel excited when you see a new challenge, rather than anxious and despairing.

3) To re-wire your brain’s reward pathways you must continually undertake new challenges outside your comfort zone and succeed at them.

4) To power through challenges, you must feel joy.

5) To feel confident, you must not feel controlled by anybody, especially people your mind perceives as “alpha males.”

Confidence is faith

The word confidence comes from the Latin con (with) + fidens (faith) (literally “with faith”). In other words, confidence is faith you will succeed in whatever you try to do. Faith is a belief that something is true even if you don’t have “hard” information confirming its truth. If I knew for a fact that a girl liked me, and I approached her, that’s not confidence. If I approach a girl I already know likes me, I’m no more confident than a guy eating a doughnut because he knows it will taste good.

Obviously, it is easier to have confidence and faith when you have information to base it on. Everyone is confident the sun will rise tomorrow because it has risen every day of their life. But if you only base your confidence on things you are sure of you will live in a narrow comfort zone like most people do. Most people only feel “confident” if they already know they will succeed or if they’ve seen somebody else overcome that challenge. There are doctors who can do brain surgery but are deathly afraid to approach a woman in a bar. There are rock stars who can play a show in front of thousands of people but break a sweat trying to do their taxes.

But why have faith? Why should you believe you will succeed at getting rich, getting laid, and being happy if most people fail at those things and you’ve never succeeded at them?

Here’s why: Just having faith, by itself, makes you more likely to succeed. And the more faith you have, the more likely you are to succeed. If that sounds like the plot of that dumbass book “The Secret,” it is. It’s also the foundation of many religions and philosophies. But there is a rational reason why this is true that doesn’t depend on God or magic.

Faith helps you succeed because the main thing that stops you from achieving your goals is your own emotions. Most shit is a lot easier than you think it is. Getting hot girls to fuck you? Becoming a billionaire? Brain surgery? That stuff is hard, but how hard is it really? For almost anything you want to do, there is a stupid, fat, douchebag somewhere that is awesome at that thing. There are literally millions of people that are dumber and lazier than you that easily do the thing that you think is so hard. Most of the time, the challenge is in your own mind.

A famous entrepreneur once told me that you can learn almost any business in 4 months. Malcolm Gladwell says you can become “world class” in any field if you do it for 10,000 hours, which is only about 4 years of working a full time job – not really that long to become the best in the world. As far as anybody can tell, the world is governed by rational rules that predictably operate based on logic. To succeed at anything, all you need to do is learn these rules and use them to succeed. Viewed this way, the only challenge is our own emotions: we get bored, afraid, distracted, impatient, anxious, intimidated, depressed, overworked, stressed out, sleepy, obsessed with the wrong details, lazy, angry, frustrated, etc… I call these the “despairing emotions.”

You can take any task, break it up into a series of little parts, put one foot in front of the other, and eventually succeed. All you need to do is be rational, be prepared, and put the time and effort in. Everything in the world works like this – there is no “magic.” Even “luck” is very limited compared to what we make happen. Usually when we think something is “too hard” for us, our despair is hijacking our rational brain and making us think thoughts that we believe are “rational” but are really just justifications and expressions of our despair. When a heroin addict makes excuses to start doing heroin again, or when an entrepreneur decides to quit their business because it’s “too hard,” they think they are being influenced by rational thoughts, but really they are just being influenced by despair.

Faith and confidence overcome our weak emotions. We power through challenges because our “motivated” emotions outweigh our despair, or at the very least, our intellectual thoughts manage and control our despairing emotions so that they do not cripple us. Successful people feel excitement and pleasure at doing their work whereas unsuccessful people feel fear, anxiety, dread, boredom, etc… And humans are wired to seek good feelings, so when we feel depressed and anxious we quickly run to “fix” is our shitty feelings – drugs, alcohol, porn, and other distractions.

Every time you encounter a challenge, your brain subconsciously does a complex cost-benefit analysis. You calculate the chance of success and the good feelings that come with it, and weigh that against the chance of failure and the bad feelings that come from failure. If your brain feels like you are more likely to feel bad, your despairing emotions will cripple you and make you not want to do it. Of course, this is bullshit. Your brain usually has no idea what the actual chances of success and failure are, nor does it know how you will actually feel after you succeed or fail, so it’s complex calculation is based on feelings from the past.

Confidence requires rewiring your brain so that when it does the cost-benefit analysis, the “excited” emotions outweigh the despairing emotions. The easiest way to rewire your reward system is to succeed at things, so that, going forward, your brain feels like it will succeed again. But like I said, if you base your confidence on past successes you will never grow. True, ultimate, confidence is when you have faith that you will succeed at ANYTHING you try, even if you’ve never done it and it is something most people would think is insanely difficult.

I’m not selling magic. There are some things you will never accomplish, no matter how confident you are. You can’t build a perpetual motion machine because it is probably impossible under the rules of physics. Most of you will never fuck Kate Upton, no matter how much you think you can. There is nothing wrong with thinking that something is impossible, or not worth the effort, or not the right thing for you at that time, but you must make that determination based on a rational calculation rather than your feelings. Most of what we think is impossible is actually very doable, we have just been tricked by our despair.

Sometimes we just do not have enough information to make a rational calculation, and we must leap into the darkness. My dad had a theory that stupid people were often more successful than smart people, because smart people did intelligent cost-benefit calculations whenever they decided to take a life risk, whereas stupid people just jumped ahead and took the risk. When we leap into the darkness we must have faith that we will succeed. We also need faith that if we fail we will be fine and that failure helps us because it lightens the darkness and gives us guidance for the next try. We also need a plan to land on our feet if we fail.

The rest of this article is dedicated to trying to teach you how to rewire your brain to feel excited about new challenges rather than scared. You can try to grit your teeth and fight your emotions 24/7, but you should also work to transform your emotions.

Faith and reality

Your goal is to re-wire your reward system so that you feel excited tackling any new challenge, even if it is outside your comfort zone. You need faith because you have no way of knowing for sure that you will succeed at any new challenge and without faith you will be crippled with uncertainty, anxiety and existential despair.

Faith is tied to your view of reality. Philosophers and psychologists have long understood that people have a tendency to subconsciously feel like reality has intentions like a person. People will feel like the world is out to get them, a small group of elders control everything, life hates them, they have “bad luck,” or they have “demons”, etc… It’s obviously stupid to say “I think reality has thoughts and feelings and hates me,” but that’s how a lot of people subconsciously think. I call this the “anthromorphization fallacy.”

I believe this fallacy comes from our ape mind. Apes evolved to obey the alpha male, because it is better for the tribe to have one leader rather than everybody doing their own thing. To enforce this obedience, evolution produced anxiety, which we feel whenever we feel like we are disobeying or upsetting the alpha male. Anxiety and depression are designed to “keep us in line” and make us feel powerless, paralyzed and weak whenever we want to do something that might offend the alpha male.

Human are apes with rational brains that magnify and distort our ape feelings. We can subconsciously see the entire “world” as an alpha male, and feel a generalized anxiety about everything. This is why some people are negative about everything, scared of simple tasks like driving, randomly freak out at small things, and just generally have dark thoughts.

Religion tries to fight the anthromorphization fallacy by pretending like “reality” is governed by God, which is essentially an alpha male that controls everything in reality and will be “nice” to you if you do some easy, meaningless rituals. I believe in God and I think it helps my anxiety. If you don’t want to believe in God, that’s fine, but at the very least you have to stop yourself from thinking that reality has a mind and it wants you to fail. At most, you can rationally say that, aside from ascertainable laws (the law of gravity, E=mc2, etc…), reality is basically random and chaotic and is neutral towards you. And if you are currently alive and breathing, you have to admit that reality has been at least somewhat good to you.

Once you accept that reality is not your enemy, and may even be your friend, you can have faith that you will succeed at anything. Your despairing emotions will try to trick you into thinking you will fail, but they are irrational, often caused by the fear of some mental alpha male that may not even exist. How would your weak, human brain know anything about the nature of reality anyway? Many people, including myself, have realized the falsity of our despairing emotions after using psychedelic drugs, which chemically turn off our despairing emotions and make us feel like the universe loves us.

I’m not saying that you can simply turn off your despairing emotions by simply believing that reality is your friend. You can’t turn off any emotion that is rooted in your biology, any more than you can turn off your sex drive. But the first step in controlling a demon is realizing that it’s there and that’s it a demon. If you practice mindfulness, you will catch yourself being lied to by your despairing emotions and you will realize your thoughts are irrational.

I don’t want to overstate my case here. A subconscious cosmic alpha male is not the only source of despair. A lot of things can create anxiety and depression, and science has not even completely figured out those emotions. Anxiety can be caused by chemical balances, living in a dirty house, post-traumatic stress, bad life experiences, etc... But I believe that fear of alpha males, real and imagined, is a big source of despair for many people.

Real alpha males

People have a subconscious fear of the cosmic alpha male that controls the world partly because actual alpha males bullied them, made them feel inferior, and induced subconscious “beta” emotions. These guys include your father, your teachers, your coach, your pastor, the cool kids at your high school, the President of the United States, the Federal Reserve bank, the media, society, Brad Pitt, and famous celebrities whose art and persona is designed to make regular guys feel inferior. These are just regular guys trying to make it through life just like you, but their ego, selfishness, stupidity, negligence, and bad judgment has scarred your self-esteem.

These guys aren’t necessarily alpha males, but they felt like it to you, at least when they affected you. Their combined efforts have congealed in your brain to give you a fear of alpha males and reality in general. Women may have also made you feel emasculated, not because they wanted to emasculate you but because they were “testing” you to see if you were worthy of their delicious pussy.

All men fear some alpha male. The head of the Crips gang in Los Angeles is the “alpha male” of the thug/gangster world, but he subconsciously sees a nerdy banker as the alpha male because the nerdy banker makes much more money and lives a better life than him, and the Crip leader is too scared to go to school and try to compete with the nerdy banker. The nerdy banker, in turn, sees another group of men as alpha to him, etc…

A key to becoming confident is releasing yourself from the control that both real and imagined alpha males have over you. To do this, you must not give a single fuck what anybody thinks about you. Your actions should be governed by truth and a rational analysis of what is best for you, not your need to feel validated and accepted. The moment you care what others think of you, you constrain your behavior to gain their approval and feel despair when they deny it. And when you constrain your behavior, you show to yourself, them and the world that you can be perturbed and thrown off of your mission. And if you can be thrown off of your mission, then you no longer have the ability to succeed at anything.

Many men link confidence to their tangible existence. A lot of guys say to me: “I’m not confident because I’m fat, or I don’t have enough money, or I’m awkward, etc…” That’s the wrong way to look at it. Your confidence should not be based on any tangible thing you have, but rather your inability to be controlled, because a man who cannot be controlled and can also obtain anything. If a woman said to you that she only feels confident when she’s wearing make-up, you wouldn’t think that that woman was confident: you would think that she is deeply insecure. A truly confident woman would be confident even if she was in a disfiguring accident that made her face look like ground beef.

True confidence is the intellectual belief and the emotional feeling that you are awesome just because you are you, and that you will succeed because you don’t care what anybody thinks, you can’t be controlled, and will not fall victim to despair. Confidence has its own intrinsic value: I feel confident because I know I am confident. I know I am confident because I don’t care what other people think, and therefore nobody can perturb me from my mission, and if nobody can perturb me from my mission, I am guaranteed to succeed.


Happiness is both a result and cause of confidence.

As I said earlier, humans are wired to seek good feelings, so if you are unhappy your brain will get distracted and chase sources of cheap happiness (TV, women, drugs, trashy internet, etc...). Your goal is to get your “happiness” from accomplishing your goals and defeating challenges, rather than cheap happiness. If you face every challenge with joy, you will be more motivated.

You may be a fundamentally unhappy person. Maybe you’re depressed, or anxious, or have had a hard life. But there must have been at least one time in your life when you felt joy. If you can induce that feeling in yourself when you are pursuing your goals, or at least fake it, you will do better. One of my favorite quotes is from a rabbi who said that “how can I feel joy when my house has burnt down? I feel sad for a little, and then when I start rebuilding it, I feel joy with every brick I lay.”

The upshot of this is that you should always be having fun. No matter how hard your life is, or what bad thing just happened to you, you need to have a social schedule where you are going out, doing things that make you feel good, fucking girls, hanging out with friends, etc... Obviously, you shouldn’t let your fun times take over your life or do anything self-destructive, but I disagree with the idea that success requires sustained misery. Being happy also requires eating well, getting enough sleep, and eliminating sources of negativity and distraction from your life. If you have a friend who consistently makes you feel like shit, or a woman who brings you more pain than happiness, cut them out. They are bad for you.

Happiness is a result of confidence because confident people are more successful, and your confidence proves to you that you can succeed at anything.

Getting rid of your fear of the alpha male also makes you happy because you no longer need to rely on anybody else for happiness. Human beings are actually very simple beings. All we need is a little bit of food, decent shelter, one vagina to put your dick in (you should reject the societal notion that you can’t be happy unless you fuck lots of girls), and love. All of our other fake desires are rooted in our need for the love of others. We mostly desire “luxury” things like nice cars, mansions or designer clothes because we think it will cause other people to love us and care about us. A truly confident man knows that he will be loved no matter what he has or who he is, because his value comes from being imperturbable and a model for others. And if people want to deny him love based on his material circumstances, then that’s their problem, not his.

I’m not saying that nice cars, mansions and nice clothes are bad things. I enjoy all those things. I’m also not saying that women don’t care about tangibles. Women definitely do care about how you look, how you dress, how much money you have, etc... There are some women that will just never fuck a short, bald poor guy no matter how much “game” he has. But your own confidence and self-esteem should not depend on your tangibles. You should live your most awesome life. If girls like you, great. If not, no problem.

Can you really not care what people think?

It’s impossible to truly not care what anybody thinks of you. Human beings are social animals, and we evolved to form emotional connections with other people and to care what they think of us. We need sex, affection and human contact. The only way to truly not care about the opinions of others is to either be a psychopath or a hermit that lives in the woods.

I’m not saying that you should cut off contact from all other humans. I’m saying you should engage in mutually beneficial relationships with people, where you exchange the things humans need to exchange (love, friendship, affection, fun times, etc…), WITHOUT LETTING THEM CONTROL YOU and without becoming submissive.

To prevent people from controlling you, or abusing your, or manipulating you, or taking advantage of you, you must have a strong set of boundaries. Boundaries are “rules” for yourself that you will not allow others to break. A confident man is confident his rules are morally correct and makes others bend to his moral guidelines, not vice versa. If you have faith in your principles and stand by them, you cannot be manipulated by women or by society into acting against your own interests, doing the wrong thing, or chasing stupid trophies like nice cars and shit.

I'm not here to push a certain type of morality on you, and I think many set of rules can be "correct" depending on your situatiion, the people you are dealing with, and your personal preferences. What's important is not having this or that set of rules, but generally having unbreakable principles. You should constantly reevaluate your rules and changing them if they are "wrong" and/or not conducive to the type of life you want to live. You should also be open to reasonable arguments by third parties that your rules may be wrong.

The good life

An important part of being confident is having a clear vision of what you consider to be the good life. Nobody can control you if you are happily pursuing the good life. This vision is a set of priorities and beliefs about the world that guide what you seek and care about. For example, if a hot girl tries to pressure me to do cocaine I say no because cocaine contradicts my vision of the good life because of its harmful effects. This sounds like third grade health education, but it is amazing that many adults can be peer pressured simply because they don’t have their own vision of the good life. I know rich, successful adult men that have become cokeheads because the beautiful women they were pressured by hot girls to do it. It’s absolutely fucking incredible that a millionaire Silicon Valley CEO can be peer pressured by a bartender into doing cocaine but it happens all the fucking time. And because that guy had no vision of the good life, he is now addicted and does cocaine even when those girls are not around.

Your boundaries and your vision of the good life are connected. I set boundaries because I am pursuing a certain life, and if you get in the way, you are dismissed. For example, my vision of the good life involves waking up early to work out and work on my businesses. Many people (usually trashy girls not doing anything useful with their lives) don’t understand that vision and try to pressure me into staying out late. No matter how beautiful they are or how close I am to getting pussy, I say no and go home. No matter how hot she is and how much I think I can’t find anybody else like her that will respect my rules, I keep the faith.

Your vision of the good life should have a place for all of your pleasures and pursuits. I like fucking hot girls, but I also like getting enough sleep, eating well, going to fun concerts, being around positive people, succeeding at my business, talking about deep, intellectual things I am interested in, etc…

Understanding the good life also makes you feel better about your shortcomings. Women are part of the good life, but you don’t need to fuck the hottest girl and you definitely don’t need to “get” every girl you like. If you think that happiness requires you to be 6’0 or drive a Ferrari or bang X girls a year, you lose your confidence if you don’t have those things. If your vision of the good life is simpler, however, you can’t be shamed and guilted if you don’t have those things.

Why are women attracted to confidence?

First of all, everyone is attracted to confidence. Nobody wants to be around an insecure, sad, moping sack of shit. And nobody likes to be around somebody that is easily controlled. Humans are wired to reach for something higher than us, not somebody beneath us that doesn’t challenge us or help us grow. That said, women have a special desire for a confident man. Why?

Because women have babies and are physically weaker than men, women evolved to seek a strong, powerful man who can make a credible commitment to protect her and her baby until the baby reaches a certain age. A protector’s commitment is only credible if he cannot be thrown off of his mission, whatever that mission is. If a protector becomes emotional, dishonest, distracted, or submissive, he can no longer be trusted to protect. In other words, if a protector can be controlled by others or crippled by despair, his commitment is not credible and the woman is vulnerable.

It does not matter how confident you actually are, but whether you can display that confidence to a woman. Confidence is performative. A woman wants to see you confidently pursue a mission and not be perturbed and more importantly, not show despair. Women can subconsciously sense despair in a man. She wants to see you be a brick wall. Women also subconsciously know that the thing that is most likely to perturb a man is a woman, so she will purposely try to perturb you to see how you react. If you even flinch, she will question your emotional credibility. This is what we call a “shit test.”

A big problem is that men meet women in social situations where they are drinking and having fun, so women do not see men confidently pursue their mission. For most men, when they go out, women are their mission. But fixating on women subconsciously causes you to be controlled by women, reducing your attractiveness. This is why DJs and bartenders are more attractive to women – they are actually doing something rather than just drooling over them.

Your place in the tribe

On a subconscious level, women want a guy who does not appear to be controlled by the tribe. This is part of the reason women like “bad boys” – a “bad boy” tingles the same receptors that an alpha male tingles because the bad boy does not conform to anybody’s rules and does not “feel” like he is “controlled” by any other male. This is irrational, of course – most “bad boys” are losers and the opposite of an actual alpha male. But we are talking about emotions here, not rationality. The alpha male does what he wants, and he doesn’t rely on anybody else for anything, either physical or emotional. He is the only one that cannot be controlled. Sure, the alpha male does have the most tangible things (food and resources) but the alpha male isn’t thinking about that.

The true alpha male is not the biggest, loudest, meanest, toughest guy: it’s the guy who literally does not give a single fuck and cannot be controlled. It’s the guy who walks in a party with a ridiculous ugly neon green floppy hat. It’s the guy who tells an embarrassing story about himself that most people would be too afraid to tell. It’s the guy who does something that’s a little off, not because he’s weird or has problems, but because he just lives in his own reality. The alpha male is totally relaxed, calm, confident in what he’s doing, and is never, ever, perturbed by anything anybody does, especially women.

If you walk into a bar or nightclub, you see a bizarre scene. Otherwise confident, successful, manly men are selling their souls. They are begging beautiful women to buy them drinks, listening intently to their stupid stories and agreeing with their stupid opinions, begging for their attention, waiting for them as they talk to other men, etc… These men instantly lose credibility to women because they are begging to be accepted and are easily controlled. In other words, these men are experiencing the same emotional anguish that the women experience, which turns women off. Women want to escape their emotional anguish, not be with a guy that is also experiencing it.

I wrote an article about how women are not attracted to men that are overly emotionally invested in them. See here: A major reason emotionally invested people are unattractive is because they are “dependent” on another person for their good feelings, therefore making them controlled. And women are fundamentally not attracted to men who can be controlled.

Bitchy women

A lot of guys’ confidence melts around bitchy women. I, however, love bitches.

A woman is bitchy for one of two reasons: 1) she has suffered some trauma in her life that has damaged her, or 2) she regularly turns men into weak puddles, so she turns up the bitchiness to make sure she can find a mate whose confidence is rock solid. For women that are #1, you should just run. You are not her therapist and cannot help them. But women that are #2 are a fun challenge. Whenever a woman is a bitch to me, I know I am on my road to fucking her and all I need to do is keep my cool and not be perturbed.

Bitchiness is just a front to hide their intense insecurity and anxiety. Confident, happy, well-adjusted people act polite and friendly, even if they are being hit on by somebody they don’t think is attractive. All hostility and negativity is rooted in fear, defensiveness, and your own perceived vulnerability. Women are crippled with insecurity and anxiety about how men, women and society in general feel about them and have an intense desire to be accepted.

Next time you go to a club, put your horniness aside and just focus on the body language of these bitchy women. They are afraid. They are insecure. They are awkward. They are dorks. They are easily controlled, if they could just find somebody with the balls to try to control them. Even when they try to talk tough or cool, it’s a bluff. A hot woman acting like a bitch is similar to a 16 year old nerd with a pocket protector and acne talking shit to a prison convict. He knows he is faking it, and the moment the prison convict calls his bluff he will back down in fear and humiliation.

Not all women are bitches. I know some confident women, but these women are confident because they have other things going for them. They are smart, they have accomplished things, they are fun to hang out with, etc… But whenever a woman tries to act like she’s the shit just because she’s hot, she is faking it every single time.

How to act around women

Let’s do some logic. Women are attracted to confidence. Confidence is faith that you will succeed. Therefore, women are attracted to men who have faith they will succeed in fucking them. In other words, women want a guy to act like he already knows she will fuck him. Of course, you don’t actually know whether she will fuck you. But nevertheless, you must act as if you KNOW she will fuck you. You must bluff as if you know she will say yes. And even if you get rejected, you must move on to the next girl with the same confidence.

Now the question becomes: if you truly knew from the bottom of your heart you could fuck a girl, how would you act? You wouldn’t supplicate, or beg, or act needy, or even do anything really. If you KNEW you could fuck a girl, you would do nothing. Of course, you should talk to her and be nice so that you don’t make her feel bad, and you would engage with her to the extent that she says or does anything interesting or funny. But the moment she does something negative, shitty, or boring, you immediately lose interest because you don’t need to put up with her bullshit.

Unlike a lot of other PUA blogs, I am not going to feed you a bunch of lines of what a confident guy “would” say. The fact is, confidence is an emotional state, and you either have it or you don’t. And girls can sense it because it is very hard to fake your emotions, especially if you are hanging out with a girl for a long time.


Releasing yourself from the mental slavery of the alpha male sounds great, but it is actually very dangerous. Most people in our society can only function if they are being guided by a superior: society, your dad, the government, your boss, etc... They need the anxiety induced by the alpha male to stay focused and not go off and get drunk and play video games. But if you want to be a truly confident, self-actualized man, you need to be able to motivate yourself when there is no alpha male swinging an axe over your head.

Not only must you be your own alpha male, but you must cultivate a positive humility, where you listen to men that are smarter and more powerful than you, not because of your irrational ape emotions, but because they are smarter than you and they are helping you improve. If you look at history, a lot of times when men get a ton of power they go crazy (see kings, dictators, rock stars, Mike Tyson, etc...) because they don’t have the anxiety of the alpha male controlling them but they also don’t have the humility to stay focused and keep their head on straight.

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Post Information
Title How to be confident
Author Woujo
Upvotes 1130
Comments 82
Date 20 April 2017 05:20 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit TheRedPill
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[–]MEpicLevelCheater[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (1 child) | Copy

An EC has asked that I point you for this submission. I am also stickying the post. Thank you for your contribution, /u/Woujo.

[–]Ostradamus71 points72 points  (3 children) | Copy

Very well written, and I do believe that confidence in the most absolute form is an emotional state. Many men including myself struggle with obtaining and maintaining a positive emotional state. Work on yourself and work towards your goals and everything will fall in line.

[–]GeorgeKarlin12 points13 points  (2 children) | Copy

From my experience, confidence doesn't come when I'm looking to maintain a positive emotional state, because it always feels like a chase to me. "How can I be more positive?" "Why Am I not positive?" "Why Am Bothered by this ?" And I feel bad for not having a positive mindset.

I get confidence when I'm ok with the negative emotional state. I deal with it. I feel like shit but It's ok. It's inconfortable but I'm ok with it. I'm not chasing the positive I'm dealing with the negative like a man. When I struggle with it and I accept the tension of it. Then confidence arise.

Nothing ever fall in line for long. When it does, it's temporary. I climb a mountain, I feel great. Then Another mountain to climb and I feel like shit. Emotions are tricky and never last long.

I don't know if you guys relate to this.

Great article BTW

[–]KOakford4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

My emotional state moves high and low on the confidence loop. I have always just considered this to be necessary balance. I can raise my baseline emotional state through life experience/improvement, but I will always undulate up and down depending on the situations I am in.

[–]Joshua_Naterman59 points60 points  (6 children) | Copy

I think that the "not caring about what others think" bit is very difficult for people to understand.

It isn't about actively looking at people and thinking "I don't care what you think," that's just internal aggression and creates a conflict-prone internal state.

It's about literally focusing on what you're doing to get where you want to go and not judging your success by other people's reaction to your success but rather by how well you react to failure and develop YOUR way to succeed, and then take on the next step of your journey.

When that's how you see every part of your life, are honest about what's important to you, base your self-esteem and self-worth on your ability to navigate your way to your goals regardless of failures along the way, and don't worry about what anyone else thinks is masculine you'll become a real man.

It doesn't happen any other way.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

It isn't about actively looking at people and thinking "I don't care what you think," that's just internal aggression and creates a conflict-prone internal state.

This connected a dot for me. Sitting there thinking "I don't care what you think" is you tricking yourself . . . the fact that you're thinking about what they're thinking and telling yourself that you don't care means that you probably care a lot.

[–]bostonburrito3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Bit late to the party but I wanted to add this:

Thinking "I don't care about what x thinks of me" uses the same thought process as the phrase "don't think about elephants." No matter what you are now thinking about elephants, even though I told you not to. When you think "I dont care what you think," most of the time you are already thinking about what their possible thoughts are on you, which is not the mindset you want to be having. You want to be wiring your mind so that the idea of someone having an opinion of you, good or bad, doesn't even exist.

[–]SirByron7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

As with muscles, it is the strong guys that know they are capable who are quiet and patient. It is the noisy guys that lack the skills. It is the large dogs that are calm while the small dogs try to compensate for their small size with their non-stop obnoxious barking.

It is the patient ones that control the world; the impatient ones are controlled by it!

Patience is the most refined manifestation of confidence.

Ah - the incorrigible charm of knowing you have it, and not needing to show it!

[–]greatslyfer0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

This is kind of me, I think lol.

Since a few months ago or maybe even a year ago, I would try to make it a goal to really "not care what people think about me". Like when I would go in the train or be in a public area, I would have this attitude about me which was constantly "I'm not going to let anyone affect me" when I was not doing ANYTHING AT ALL lol, so it made no sense from that angle.
I would try to look around my surrounding and towards people in the eye (not really in a conscious aggressive manner, but maybe my mind would act in a different subconscious way) to reinforce the attitude of "me not giving a fuck".

It basically did jack shit for me, did not help at all in becoming a more sociable, more grounded guy.

And yea I think it made me more aggressive or confrontational, like things that wouldn't go on someone's radar would make me think the other person is trying to disrespect me or tick me off.
Obviously I'm just self-diagnosing so there's a chance that I may have analysed myself wrongly.

[–]Joshua_Naterman1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

That's pretty on point. I remember a similar time in my life, it didn't last long because I realized I was still focused on other people.

As soon as that makes sense, you just start to focus on yourself and what your goals are. What matters to you, that sort of thing.

As you discover your own plan for your life and start making progress towards the next step in that plan, you begin building the real confidence of knowing you're at least partially in control of your life.

Deeper elements to this exist when you realize that even though you can't control what others do, what your boss does, etc., you DO control how you react and how you re-calibrate your plans. You can learn to navigate the waters of a hostile workplace (instead of trying to stand your ground directly and make people conform to your expectations, which is an exercise in futility when you're not the boss) while you find a less hostile or even actively positive workplace, etc.

These things are the markers of success and resiliency, and those are very attractive to the ladies.

Literally the best thing anyone can do for their future and their love life/lust life/whatever is to simply start building their own life and learning to successfully navigate society. Swallow your pride and become more than you are, don't hang onto it and let it make you a martyr... the world doesn't care, and it will move on without you just as happily as with you.

[–][deleted] 37 points38 points  (2 children) | Copy

Another amazing post by Woujo, you are on fire dude. Another one or two more of these high quality posts, and you'll probably get EC.

[–]JustDoMeee9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm surprised he isn't, I thought he was an EC.

[–]Endorsed ContributorWe_Are_Legion28 points29 points  (0 children) | Copy

Magnificent post, that takes and grips a reader from beginning to end with compelling sense. I know I sound like I'm writing a book review but honestly, I don't know how else I can add to this since it's so comprehensive. I actually consider myself decently confident but I still think I learned a thing or two new from your insights.

I will be linking this to many struggling men I know. This was the longest and most helpful treatise on confidence I've read in years of red pill.

Have a point so I'll remember to click on your posts in future. ♂

[–]delhibuoy22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy

One of the greatest and most important things I will have read in my life. Thank you for this.

[–]Mckallidon14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy

There is no path to confidence. Confidence is the path.

[–]Burton9696967 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is a phenomenal post man. It's actually really cool that I came across this right now because I've had some confidence issues, but I've been making loads of progress and have seen incredible changes. People are more receptive, I see more opportunities instead of pitfalls, and most importantly, I feel at ease. Confidence is everything.

[–]Ericgzg8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Awesome stuff. Can definitely tell you've done psychadelics. The same type of concepts discussed here are revealed to me rather clearly when I've done LSD.

[–]Draviz16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy

"A lot of guys' confidence melts around bitchy women. I, however, love bitches." - Woujo

[–]rigbed7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

First post on confidence written on this sub that is 💯 % accurate and holistic. You omitted one crucial piece of the puzzle:

You have to divide yourself into two entities, and one entity gives the other commands.

[–]LadyXon4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Expand on this? Sounds v. Intriguing

[–]PM_ME_SOLILOQUIES6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

This article is my attempt, but don't rely on it.

Ironic that the absolute best post I've read so far on gaining confidence, starts off with a seeming lack thereof.

Very good read!

[–]ShavedApel4 points5 points  (10 children) | Copy

If you have confidence (faith) but then get rejected over and over. how are you supposed to just stay confident. That to me is delusional. The only way to be confident is to be used to being successful.

So the problem is: to get confidence you need success, and to get success you need confidence.

I believe women saying they like confidence is just bullshit women say that is socially acceptable and will make men feel they have hope, rather than saying they want a hot handsome strong charming guy that is rich and well liked.

[–]Endorsed ContributorWoujo[S] 17 points18 points  (3 children) | Copy

The primary point here is that the universe is governed by rational rules that are readily understandable by anybody that seeks them out. So getting laid, like any other activity, is just a matter of learning these rules and applying them. These rules are not "hidden" from anybody - you can read about them on countless blogs or go learn them yourself from experience.

The thing that prevents you from learning is despair. You get rejected, and then you obsess over that rejection, or get overcome with despair, or fail to look at yourself objectively and learn the required lesson, which leads to more rejections.

Thanks for the question.

[–]KV-n0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

despite the quality of the op the above comment is just a bunch of feelgood bullshit. There absolutely are some qualities that make man fail with women and warrant being unconfident with women. more importantly most of those qualities are unchangeable.

[–]Endorsed ContributorWoujo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Even if you were unattractive to women, which I'm assuming you are, you still need to be confident when you approach. You will just have a lower success rate.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think woujo is more talking an eventual confidence. Eventually you will succeed. Agreed that average schlubs cannot pull a dime right now . But eventually they can. Have confidence that which you start you will finish.

[–]drallcom3 points points [recovered] | Copy

Often, if you lack success, the first steps are to remove failure. Fat? Lose weight. Unemployed? Get a job. Anything that gives you nightmares? Go fix it.

After that step any improvement will be a success and feel like one. Doesn't work if you're still being dragged down by your failures. I did it like that and my confidence skyrocketed, as did my success. Note: It's hard work.

[–]Scandinavianredpill1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You know you get alot of rejection in this world. you should stay confident anyway. Thats not the same as being delusional. you can work on yourself, know you aren't doing well but maintain confidence that you can eventually do well. If you find that you almost never succeed at what you are doing, then just take a step back. aim a little lower, go at it and build from there.

[–]kaspell0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sometimes that first success needs faith to get started. I think of faith as the conscious act of deciding to look for the best possible narrative of events in relationship to myself, and using that to find my path. Faith is also important experience as you get older and life milestone successes get spread farther apart and require more null space as you do the one foot in front of the other bit to get what your aiming at

[–]truecrisis0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Hey dude just fyi you are correct.

Like you said, women don't like confidence. Women like status. Status is given by looks, job, money, style, popularity. Everything you mentioned.

But status is something you can fake with nice clothes, grooming, lifting, and social skills. You could be a garbage man and still convey high status wherever you go.

But even if you have high status, you still need confidence to seal the deal. A weak feeble man with status will still struggle with women. Except those women who prey on said men.

[–]GaiusJuliusCaesar_4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm very confident.


But I'll give some guys that aren't confident some short advice that didn't feel like reading all of this.

  1. Always keep eye contact when speaking to a girl you like.

  2. Don't talk too much, say a sentence here and there but don't overtalk, it makes you look unheard and weak.

  3. Always smile and laugh when talking to a girl especially w a girl you like

  4. Be alpha be manly, knowledgeable and strong.. don't appear weak and stupid

  5. Be yourself unless you suck then be someone else like chuck Norris or Arnold Schwartzanegger

[–]TimIsMe934 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Beautiful post. I entirely believe in confidence being a frame of mind. There's nothing magical you can say. It's all about mindset.

[–]RedPharaohRising4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

I was sold on that line about "not thinking the world is out to get you" - this is a huge issue for me and I'm trying to get over it. Saved for later. If it gets deleted for whateverthefuck reason can you PM me?

[–]DarkMountain6660 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Copy the text of this post and put it in your notes on your phone. Then you won't have to worry about deletion.

[–]1swaglordobama5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're definition of confidence is incorrect. Confidence is not knowing you will succeed in whatever you do, but rather that you will be fine no matter what happens. Girl doesn't like you? That's okay. Losing your job/business? That's okay. Public shaming/humiliation? That's okay.

What you are describing is situational confidence, which follows familiarity towards a skill, situation, environment, etc. The more you expose yourself to an environment or situation, the more at ease you will feel in it, which will allow confidence to arise.

But it's not core confidence; you're like a king in his castle, but removed from it you're a nobody.

Effectively, core confidence is removing the ego from the equation and being willing to lose, fail, surrender, because you have only lessons to gain from loss. Stop worrying about your petty issues, start looking at the big picture.

[–]Joshua_Naterman2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is one of the best things that's been written for a long time. Not just here, but in general.

[–]ryanmadison132 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

One of the best posts I've read yet

[–]redpillbliss2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I bow down in respect for this marvelously written piece of wisdom. Thanks brother

[–]SirByron2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

And obligatory for those trying to get there quick:

Cockiness / Arrogance is an impersonation and pretense of Confidence.

Confidence is a deeper, core quality. It takes a lifetime to understand your real strengths and live from your core. Cockiness is a shortcut to wearing that, but hard to fake calm, zen like Mastery.

As with muscles, it is the strong guys that know they are capable who are quiet and patient. It is the noisy guys that lack the skills. It is the large dogs that are calm while the small dogs try to compensate for their small size with their non-stop obnoxious barking.

It is the patient ones that control the world; the impatient ones are controlled by it!

Patience is the most refined manifestation of confidence.

Ah - the incorrigible charm of knowing you have it, and not needing to show it!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

i don't think i got enough confidence to read this, does some one have a tl;dr??

[–]mgbkurtz1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I disagree to some extent. Faith is the opposite of reason. By faith, you are suspending reason. You have confidence because you've appropriately framed reality and make conscious choices based upon facts and logic. The fact that your decisions are grounded in reality, and not subverted by faith, provides confidence.

[–]rfabbri1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

OP says that when facts and logic are incomplete, faith aids confidence

[–]Shakydrummer1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Awesome read. Thanks for this man!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Definitely one of your best posts, but the paradox is, can you stop caring what other people think when your motivation is to stop caring so people think you're cool(like most guys here)

[–]surfingjesus1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

These guys include your father, your teachers, your coach, your pastor, the cool kids at your high school, the President of the United States, the Federal Reserve bank, the media, society, Brad Pitt, and famous celebrities whose art and persona is designed to make regular guys feel inferior.

And Chad. Don't forget Chad.

[–]Scandinavianredpill1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Easy enough: Get a high testosterone level through lifting and good diet. Do not rely on outside validation. know that no matter what there are no serious consequenses to failing in the modern world so dont be afraid to take responsibility. Realize that there will always initially be a pushback from people whenever you take alot of responsibility. its easier to point fingers than to do things. thats all there is to it. stop overthinking it... oh and stop trying to please people. I find most people that got problem with confidence are pleasers by nature.

[–]DatingCoach1111 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Didn't even get a quarter into the post before I upvoted. Excellent, excellent read.

[–]DeeLowDay points points [recovered] | Copy

Funny how the people that most often write about anxiety and depression, are people that have never had anxiety or depression.

[–]Endorsed ContributorWoujo[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

How do you know what I've had?

[–]borntocrawl0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That's pretty clear from your manner of writing.

[–]brettfromtibet0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Life changing article! Exactly what I needed to read as I'm getting back in the game after a failed career. I need a vision of the good life and to take pride in every new brick I lay in the wall. I also need to have fun as I'm doing it - not go to the all-work-no-play extremes of my last chapter. Bravo!

[–]Prophets_Prey0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You put into words, the thoughts of my mind, better than I could have. Thanks for writing this, really appreciate it. This is sidebar material.

[–]ZenplusZen0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Confidence is a feeling. Either you have it or no. Simplified to Truth :-)

[–]jumpinglane0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

you already killed it with your article about transcendence a couple of months ago. dude, you are a really clever guy. have my respect and an upvote.

[–]Tako_400 points points [recovered] | Copy

The internet is full of articles and videos that supposedly teach how to be confident. Most of this shit is useless because confidence is an incredibly complex subject and takes sustained work to develop and maintain.

You start off your post with this and follow it up with just another article on how to be confident. Does no one else see the irony in this?

OP, I'm not saying you're wrong and I'm not saying I know the answer but I think the reason you (correctly) pointed out that all these articles and videos on confidence are useless is because, contrary to what you state, confidence is not something very complex. In fact, I think it's something extremely simple and that its simplicity is what causes it to elude most people in life. Just because the overwhelming majority of people lack confidence does not mean it is a complex algorithm out of reach of all but the most intelligent. I think the same goes for happiness. People can read entire books about how to be happy and not be any happier. Everyone's searching for happiness; self-help books sell like crazy, yet no one's happy. If you can find confident and happy people who aren't even literate, I'm not sure the answer lies in an article.

I don't know how to be confident or how to be happy. Maybe I will someday. And maybe it will have something to do with an article or book that I read. But the more I look around, the more I believe that there's something fundamentally wrong with the way most try to be more confident and happy in life.

[–]Endorsed ContributorWoujo[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I know the answer but I think the reason you (correctly) pointed out that all these articles and videos on confidence are useless is because, contrary to what you state, confidence is not something very complex

I didn't say ALL articles on this subject were useless. I said most. My article isn't useless.

Because of your lack of reading comprehension, however, your post IS useless.

I don't know how to be confident or how to be happy.

Ok so you wrote all that crap about how being confident is a simple and easy thing, but yet you still aren't confident. Great, thanks for your contribution.

[–]hellshigh50 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Eventualy with unlimited motivation and dedication you can do everything you want . It just take time . People can't wait .

[–]RainMaker270 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Why can't you guys be more assertive? I mean, sure it's well written and the subject is interesting but there are many lines you can avoid. Instead of writting so much I recommend you to start reducing how much you write down for a small article as such.

If it's well presented is good, if it's welll presented and it's short even better, if it's interesting, short, and well presented everyone will read it.


[–]ytfromsnwcrsh0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

When I need a confidence boost I just look back. No matter how young you are, if you are here, at RP, you in a journey of self improvement, necessarily you achieved a lot, starting with the conscience that life is not what is pictured for us by media, etc. So you are ahead already. Look back at the things you conquered, made, graduate, arranjed, fixed, built. If you were able to do that and to distinguish doing it, you will be able to overcome the tasks ahead too. Even better, since experience mounts up with every achievement. Look back, acknoledge your potential and face the challenges ahead with confidence.

[–]KV-n0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thats true and i do that too, however the problem with such approach is that it gives you confidence only with the things you have already done and succeeded at or that are related to such things.

[–]SamuraiPizzaCatz0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I have a question for you.. very unrelated.

You claim to believe in God, yet belief in God means that you must believe we were created in his image. You also call us apes, meaning you agree with evolution. If we're the product of evolution, meaning from rat-thing to ape-thing.. how were we also created in the image of God and separate from the beasts?

[–]Endorsed ContributorWoujo[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

the image in God means being able to think rationally. God can do anything. Humans can also do anything because of their ability to think rationally. That's all.

[–]SamuraiPizzaCatz0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

But if that's the case, why are religious people religious when it's all just one giant hamster (pre-evolution acceptance "God's image" meant physically)?

[–]Thinkingard0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yuuuuge post. From Tony Robbins Money book people who view stress as your body energizing for a new challenge dont end up having stress negatively affect their health. Truly, mind over matter.

[–]Thinkingard0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yuuuuge post. From Tony Robbins Money book people who view stress as your body energizing for a new challenge dont end up having stress negatively affect their health. Truly, mind over matter.

[–]funinsun100 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Wow holy cow i think you covered it.. One thing I really like is the cost benefit analysis... This is the most important thing when taking on a challenge to have. If this is good your good to go

[–]I3ob0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is the most positive post I've seen on this subreddit, amazing stuff.

[–]SirByron0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

An important ommission - Confidence is a by-product of your supreme, zen like mastery of your skill. Confidence in today's world which is democratic and egalitarian and based on the rule of law is only tangentially and primally influcend by the Alpha Male - Tribal hierarchy. In today's rational world, the respect that confidence inspires comes out of Mastery. Mastery of a skill, of a domain, of a constituency, of a corporation, of a discipline. Think Bob Dylan, James Cameron, the Dalai Lama, Narendra Modi, Picasso, Einstein, Neil deGrasse Tyson. It is not alpha male muscle man or leadership confidence of a tribe but the confidence of Absolute Mastery - from knowledge, skill, perspective, experience, influence and power.

I wish this sub wasn't so influenced by this mythical "Alpha Male" as a tribal Strongman, but saw him in the society we live in.

[–]Ehipassika0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It is marvelous! It is amazing! It is a great gain for us that Woujo is a contributor! Thank you!

[–]underrdog points points [recovered] | Copy

Woujo can you write some good books to read and movies to watch.

[–]Endorsed ContributorWoujo[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I have a post on my site, but I am working on making a longer one:

[–]investcapital0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I don't really have anything to add but this was an incredible read and it wouldn't have felt right to X out of it without saying thank you first.

[–]1roadmaptonowhere0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Amazing post as usual. On "How to Act Around Women", a better way of thinking about it is to assume you've already fucked her and behave that way. You don't need to "know" you will fuck her, just imagine you already did.

[–]Schwayless_Knight0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Real talk man, that was a good read. I loved how you were honest without being overbearing ,self validating or condescending to women.

I also related to the part about being controlled by other Alphas, fair it is good to have something/someone to look up to but at the same time we should never allow us to feel inferior to others. Top read mate.

[–]Andigger points points [recovered] | Copy

there is no other post that helped me as much as this post did. The only flaw I see is that in latin it is not "con" but "cum". Yea, "with" really translates into "cum".

[–]Endorsed ContributorWoujo[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Yes "cum" is Latin for "with", but when you are using cum in a prefix it's "con."

But anyway, you are welcome.

[–]Andigger0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

That's right, but in this case, wouldn't "with confidence" simply mean "fide" -> ablative instrumentalis?

Not trying to be the grammar nazi here.. just curious if I remember it right from my school days

[–]Endorsed ContributorWoujo[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm not sure I've told you everything I know.

[–]borntocrawl0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Geez, what a pile of crap. The world is seriously fucked.

[–][deleted] -3 points-2 points  (1 child) | Copy

very well written bullshit

[–]SamuelStephenBono-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm confident. Yeah, confident I'm not going to read all this.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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