I want to preface this by saying I'm not the king alpha pussy slayer and I'm not going to bark at you over text like a drill sergeant like a lot of these posts do, but rather I want to share my own experience with you guys and I know most of you can either identify with part of it or learn a lesson from my mistakes. Hopefully the formatting doesn't come out too shit, I'm on mobile and generally fuck up formatting anyway.

Backstory:

I'm an average guy, average height and looks. I got female attention in high school but never capitalized on it because I was a shy gamer. I could have been with at least 6 or 7 cute girls if I had. I partied because my parents went out of town often and it gave me a bit of status as well as practicing jiu jitsu (which I no longer do, more on that later). Had a girlfriend who I never fucked break up with me shortly after graduating and I had oneitis for her. She was trash but I hung out with her a lot and we were physical except for sex so I still managed to get attached. I was upset over this girl for like a whole year and practically begged for her back. It was the most pathetic thing looking back.

I overcame a lot of body image issues and had gynecomastia surgery when I was 21. In the time after high school I just played video games, lifted weights and worked a warehouse job. I got laid off from there and spent over a year on unemployment just being a NEET loser and lifting and gaming. Actually managed to meet and hang out with this pretty hot girl (7.5ish) and didn't fuck her and lost my chance. Orbited her for a long time until I finally gave up. The misc bodybuilding forum actually introduced me to red pill ideas and I was on there all the time so I was slowly working it out as I went along.

I ended up having a long distance relationship with a girl I met online, on and off for years. Looking back, again another pathetic thing but I was lonely and she was a solid 8 to me. Really pretty girl with a great body. I played it fairly red pill with her and had thousands of nudes and videos of her so I guess it kept me satisfied at the time. Eventually the obvious happened and she fucked around and we called it quits for good. I was hurt over it but we had gone on and off so many times it wasn't as bad. Our one chance to meet fell through due to the house I was staying at having broken AC. go figure.

Next encounter is flirting with this girl I had a crush on in high school. She's been in a long term relationship for a while and we hung out once in the past but I never fucked (always close, jesus christ don't be a beta like I was and be too shy to execute). There was actually another I hung out with and didn't fuck. Both of these girls wanted it, I just had so many issues in my head that I would talk myself out of going for it. But anyway, this girl is in a relationship and we keep talking and eventually it gets sexual.

Within a few weeks I am aggressive with the plans to meet and I pick her up at like 11pm from her house and we get home and have a few beers and I pound her lights out. Lay in bed naked with her and joke and just touch her body. We were laughing and enjoying each other and she loved it. I took her back home and she was in such an afterglow state it was like she had taken ecstasy or something. I'm telling you, committed women enjoy being taken by a man they perceive as alpha even more so because of the risk and edginess of the situation. We actually had to go through a police checkpoint on the way to my house and I played it super cool knowing I was about to go get some. She was afraid but I kept her cool. I could tell she felt like she was being bad but that ended up making her enjoy it even more.

Anyway, this girl went back to her man at home and went to fucking church in the morning with him. That is how dirty these girls will do you. If you're traditional and think you're gonna have the nice little family who goes to church, this ones for you. Before we could meet again her boyfriend found out about us. I let it slip to a 'friend' that ended up telling the boyfriend because he used to date her and had oneitis. I thought this kid was pretty alpha but he was massively butt hurt when he found out I fucked her. The boyfriend freaks out (no shit) and messages me to ask exactly what happened to corroborate her story. I'm like dude, you don't want to know, but I end up telling him and he is like ok thanks.

Well I ended up getting oneitis for this girl and her boyfriend kept contacting me and it ended up getting hostile for us and I'm just egging it on saying that he's a dumbass for committing to her. But he knows I can fight so instead of looking for a fight he tries to play the 'you're just immature and lonely trying to be a tough guy' card. Maybe he was right, but I still was balls deep in his woman. Well after this, she blocks me and they end up getting fucking married. That's right, his response to getting cheated on is to propose. So they get married about a month and a half after I fucked her. She sent me nudes while he was away on his bachelor party. I would have gone over but I didn't want this to escalate into murder territory if he had come back. When he finds out she's still in contact he blocks my number and takes her phone away. Somehow she's ok with this and I never hear from her again.

She was a sexy girl but I said fuck it, it's not a big deal. I didn't want a relationship with her anyway. But I was still left with a sense of loss knowing that I was sitting at home alone with my dick in my hand and that he had her although she had respect for him somewhere in the negative range. I looked at pics of her longingly. Didn't cry over it but I started using painkillers I had for a wisdom tooth surgery to forget and fill the hole of being alone. I was and have always floated from a mgtow to TRP set of beliefs in adulthood, back and forth and being honest here and putting nearly all my experience into text makes it seem more pathetic than I thought but what are we if we don't learn and develop from our mistakes? I knew there were people out there who were forever alone and could not get pussy their entire lives so I felt ok about myself having been with a girl I was very attracted to.

So I started using tinder and plenty of fish and all those things, knowing I had been swiping since the stupid thing came out and hadn't gotten anything worthwhile. As if orchestrated by fate, I have a new match. This is like right as I'm coming out of the married girl situation. This girl is cute but wasn't really anything that blew me away. Maybe a 6.5 but she has a cute factor about her. She sends me the first message and tells me she finds me super attractive. I start messaging with her, keeping it pretty formal and non-needy. I really didn't give a shit about her because I still would have preferred the girl I was into last.

We message over a weekend and get to know a bit about each other. She's a tumblr user and holds sjw views and has depression. But she's witty, intelligent, and a good conversationalist. I could tell I was talking to someone who was unusual for my rural area. Well read and thoughtful. I end up not responding out of boredom. I couldn't tell from the pics whether or not her body was worth pursuing. She's skinny but I'm just uninspired overall. She double texts and asks if I'm not going to talk to her now or something like that. I don't say anything and she messages me again asking if I want to know something personal.

I'm like whatever, I guess. I respond to her and she tells me she had ordered a package of sex toys to a guys house that stopped seeing her and won't respond to her texts so she can't retrieve the package. I'm like good lord, why does this girl think it's a good idea to tell me this. She is 19 at the time so I kind of expect some instability. So let's go through the red flags:

  • SJW tumblr user
  • has pics with hair dyed unnaturally, piercings
  • alpha widowed by a guy who she was comfortable having sex toys shipped to
  • told me she likes choking and this info about her past within a week or so of talking

I'm like god, this girl is actually the worst. But I keep talking to her because I'm bored and I had no one else really. few guy friends I half-assed keep up with. Her nihilistic sense of humor is kind of funny to me and I was in a low spot where I can identify with it. I'm getting this young broken slut vibe and she's sad and looking for some stability. Well she won't get it from me, I thought. But I felt a bit for her. I find out she had been raped as a child. Kind of explains this damage and implied promiscuity. She tells me she's met a guy she really likes and we can now only talk as friends. I was a little offended and told her I'm not interested. She's upset.

We end up talking again and at this point I'm pushing the boundaries to see how far she'll go. She enables my obvious non-platonic talk but doesn't overtly act on it. She is working with this guy in a job that travels so they're always together. But she's still always texting me. Eventually they break up and I get nudes out of her and stuff. Pierced nipples. But she has a cute little body. We get in an argument over something fairly trivial. I thought she had intentionally spoiled a major plot point of a show I watch and I ended up calling her some names and she is upset. It really seemed like she did it on purpose and I still don't really know but it's inconsequential. We don't talk for like two months.

But I dream of her. I woke up one night at 2 or 3 am having just dreamt of her. This had never happened to me. I never woke up in the middle of the night. I had nearly forgotten about her but I woke up with these feelings like I should get back in contact. I had these feelings of love toward her in the middle of the night after not having talked to her in months or thought of her. I was over her. It sounds blue pill but it really was something that seemed orchestrated supernaturally. I am an atheist and don't believe in any of this stuff but it's curious if nothing else.

A few message attempts and she opens back up to me. She admits she had missed me and still wanted to meet me. She had quit or gotten fired from the traveling job and was settling back to where she had come from, a place in Illinois that was somewhere under 100 miles away (Tinder, remember). Finally we meet a night in October of 2016. She comes to my house. She's driving her ex boyfriends truck (red flag?) and backs it into a pole beside my driveway. I'm thinking jesus christ, this girl. The truck was already beat up anyway. It hardly mattered. She is cute and a little taller than I expected. I was nervous as shit to meet this girl. Chain smoking. I have no idea why I was nervous. It had been a while since I had seen a woman I guess. 7 or 8 months. But as soon as she made it I felt fine and she was talking non stop.

She has anxiety and as a result talks non stop when she's nervous. She has a cute, fairly high pitched voice. In another circumstance I may have found her annoying but this girl was very into me. I knew I would get laid. It was a little surreal actually having a girl there. I don't go out, the night life is aids in this rural area I live in and all my friends have gotten married or are incels. No more house parties. I had been fairly lonely and now there was someone present and female to talk to who liked me. The seeds are being planted to become attached. My complete and utter scarcity will no doubt consume me. I wasn't aware quite yet.

We break the touch barrier after a show or two. We both like Game of Thrones a lot. We end up cuddling and move to the bed where I put on The Office, a show we both agreed on. It was just noise. We were in each other's arms and I made some distance between my pelvis and hers. I was completely deprived of human touch and now this sweet, now 20 year old girl is here with me. She nuzzles into my chest and the oxytocin raging has me at almost full mast in my pants. I wasn't even thinking about fucking yet. Eventually we get there.

In the morning light when we wake up she's a little less captivating. I didn't really find her unusually attractive. Her face didn't move me the night before and I caught myself thinking shit, I don't want to send this girl home and hurt her because she doesn't look remarkable. Her hair is shorter than I like. But biological process took their toll. The companionship, her soft young skin and deep blue eyes and willingness to be with me are enough. She is unashamed of her nakedness and stays topless. I can tell she's done this before. Who knows how many times. As a less experienced guy who's already been jaded by loneliness and the internet, it didn't bother me. This is how things are. I'm just happy someone's here and appreciating me. I knew these are highly beta, validation seeking thoughts, but when you've been deprived and those systems are shocked to life again, rational thinking is out the window.

It's almost as if the rational brain and baser, more animalistic parts are completely at odds. I know the red pill. I know women's nature. I know this girl is a factory that shits out red flags. My alternative was to spend the night playing the Call of Duty beta. I chose to see her. She is getting ready to leave within a few minutes of us getting up. I didn't really mind, but there was an air of detachment to her. She was casual as if to protect herself of having feelings. She waited to see if I wanted to kiss and I did and sent her on her way.

The next message I got was something like 'if you don't want to keep talking to me I completely understand'. I was kind of baffled. Is this what normally happens, or is her self esteem just so low she expects it anyway? I told her of course I'll keep talking to her, I enjoyed myself and she was relieved. It became a regular thing. We would cuddle and binge watch tv shows through the night and have sex. She kept wanting to stay longer in the mornings. At first I was resistant. I wanted my space back and to have part of the weekend to do what I wanted. I had games to play and other things to do. I don't remember what I even wanted to do now.

We became official and nothing really changed. She was content with laying around with me, talking about life, and fucking. I was happy with our arrangement. She wasn't making any demands of me, I wasn't giving her any money. The only thing she was taking is time and as the novelty wore off of the sex I really just wanted some time to marathon some games like I used to. I started playing while she was there. She was always tired so she would just sleep. She complained a bit but I would split the time and still watch shows with her. I was still somewhat aloof with her and she would text me all week. Of course I would get the 'Im not sure if you even like me that much' comments but I ignored it. I was more affectionate with her and tried to make sure she knew. This caused me to become more attached and I was losing my power. I knew it but bathing in the affection and validation of someone you've grown to bond with is really enjoyable.

I knew the relationship would end eventually. Having red pill knowledge I knew she would eventually crave the attention of other men and I would get tired of her pussy and we'd part ways. Maybe two years, I thought. She had become the only person I talk to outside of coworkers. We laughed together and sent each other memes and during the week she would always tell me how much she missed me. I would be playing PC games and respond out of obligation but I wasn't really into it. I knew I had her already and I'd pound it out in the weekend and deal with her until she leaves and do the regular week again.

I had become complacent. I went to work during the week and got my video game fix on weeknights. I got my pussy and affection on tap on the weekend. I wanted for nothing but I wouldn't really say I was happy. I was satiated. But with that indifference came fighting. I stopped putting up with her political beliefs that didn't match with mine. If I was in a bad mood I would challenge the shit she said. She hated arguing and wanted to change the subject but I would nail her down and try to resolve it. It just made her more upset. We had argued over text a whole weekend and not seen each other at all. She acted like she didn't want to see me anymore and that's when the power shifted and I became needy. My pussy and affection on tap was wanting to go away.

I reasoned with her to come back without being too desperate and we continued the process until the next argument. I did it again and convinced her to come back while she was becoming more distraught every time we argued. On a particular weekend when she came over she had been on her phone texting the whole time. I saw the little bubble on facebook while she was showing me something. It was some loser from her work. I didn't say anything. I went to get us pizza and came back and when I walked in she didn't even look my way, she was still texting. I ate and she finished before me and went back to the couch and was texting again. I walked up on her to gauge her reaction. She locks her phone.

'What was that?'

'What? Nothing'

She plays dumb and I just walk off to the bathroom. I come back and watch UFC and just ignore her. I'm pissed but I don't know what to do about it. She falls asleep and when she wakes up and gets up and I get up we end up hugging and she says..

'I thought you were mad at me for falling asleep'

'I'm not mad at you for falling asleep, I'm mad because you were messaging a fucking guy all night'

'Are you serious?' (In a dismissive tone. She repeats it)

I get ready for bed and we lay down. I couldn't bear the thought that my girl was now acting just like the rest of them. I knew she got a lot of male attention at her job but now it was encroaching on my territory. In hindsight the correct course of action would definitely have been amused mastery and abundance mentality. She was still touching me so I could have just ignored it and fucked her, reminding her whose she is. But instead I have this confrontational talk. I ask to see her phone or she can leave. She gathers her shit angrily and leaves. I show scarcity and weakness in being so affected by her messaging someone from work. Yes I was disrespected but I believe what I thought was the right approach was actually the weaker one.

I don't hear from her for a week and I end up engaging contact trying to understand what's going on. I engage her frame and obviously want her back. We talk it all out but in the end her verdict is not getting back together. My cortisol levels are jacked and I can't bear it. I end up driving by her house twice over the weekend to see if she's there and if another man is. I've long suspected I have BPD and the feeling of abandonment by a lover is one of the most triggering things. I do match up to basically every symptom but it's possible that I'm not and it's just normal for some people. So i've become the crazy ex at this point. On that sunday night (3 weeks ago tonight) she tells me she's made up her mind and it will never work. I sob like a child.

This is the first time I had felt like I had a real relationship and someone who would have my back. Despite all the red flags and knowing better, my emotions and lack of self control got the best of me. I torpedoed this relationship I could have drawn out for far longer if I had just acted like a man. At this point I couldn't stop thinking of her, worried about what she's doing. She is extremely dismissive of me and it's like we never knew each other. I have completely blown up any attraction this girl had for me. I was in a deep depression but I start sorting myself out.

I listen to Jocko Willink's podcast. I read the red pill obsessively. How can I prevent this from happening again, I think to myself. I get drawn into the trap of wondering how to get her back and deep down the ulterior motive of self improvement is to win her back. But my rational brain KNOWS that can't happen. I can't trust her and have nuked my frame. I'm crying on a daily basis. For about 2 weeks I float in the limbo of thinking maybe this is temporary and she will have a change of heart. On the third week I find her profile on plenty of fish. Not seeking a relationship or commitment of any kind. She has all her pictures up and a quirky description of herself. I know the best option is to say nothing but my emotions win. I'm writhing in emotional pain in bed. This shatters my whole world. I had been having negative visualizations of her with other men and it killed me. This time it became way more real.

If I actually do have BPD, it may contribute to the intensity of the pain I feel and have felt over this. Maybe that's an excuse and it's just a lack of self control and discipline. I knew better and got burned by this anyway. I sent her 3 messages, one incredibly long basically as a goodbye note. Telling her all the things I loved about being with her and what I'd miss and how I hoped she would think of me too. Incredibly beta and I knew it at the time I was writing it. My stress and pain and lack of control caused it to happen anyway. The thing was so long my iphone made it a text file because it was way too long to be shown on the screen. She said nothing back and that was last Tuesday. On Wednesday, I had a breakdown and work and went home sick. Sobbed on the way home. I laid in bed all day just pondering and reading people's bad breakup experiences online on reddit and other sites. It made me feel better to know I wasn't alone.

The point I'm trying to make out of all of this is that you can have all the knowledge of red pill you could have possibly consumed and still blow it. Believing in a real metaphysical emotional connection. Women's nature will make sure that can't happen. You will lose her. I think this pain has changed me permanently. I went from a lonely guy who was just fucking her out of boredom to loving her. Our brains have this firmware you can't shake. Commit to a woman, fill her with your seed and devote yourself to her. Probably doesn't help that I raw dogged and creampied her everytime. I enjoyed it and it probably contributed greatly to the feelings I got. My evolutionary brain believed that this woman will carry my children and she had my unconditional devotion. I still can't get the memories out of my head.

I remember laying with her and staring into her eyes after I've fucked her. I remember her telling me I was her favorite person and how much I meant to her all the time. The laughs, cuddling, and memories. In my delusion I believed it could last. Rationally I know there is no true love but I was too busy bathing in the validation to care. It's like a heroin addiction and my whole world died with her. I've poured myself into self improvement and stoicism. I'm not at 100% yet but I'm making progress everyday.

It may be the turning point to turn me from a complacent video game player to a real man. the pain I felt and feel is extremely real and I still miss her everyday, knowing she is hooking up and living her life with zero regard for me. This is the most emotional pain I've felt and Ive lost family members. It shouldn't be that way but I'm admitting it. This girl hurt me than family dying.

In closing:

I've harnessed this into something I can use. I've already lost 20 lbs. I started before we broke up but it definitely accelerated. I have an above average body and decent muscle. I started learning music production on FLstudio. I'm reading everyday, currently Marcus Aurelius's Meditations. I work out as much as I can. I have nerve injuries I have to work around. I've quit caffeine and regained a regular sleep schedule. I quit video games. I can't bear to sit in front of a video game knowing my girl is talking to or fucking another man. It's been 3 weeks and I still hurt every day. That's the burden we have to bear as men. We're the ones who hurt, but it can also be the catalyst to spring you to the next level of existence. I still have resistance to that thought, like I would rather go back in time and have her back. But it can't be that way and you can't think like that. I have to be the leader of myself and force myself to become a better person and lead myself to greener pastures.

I want to say thank you personally to anyone who actually read all of this. My writing style is damn near schizophrenic, a stream of consciousness mess. It doesn't help that I'm on mobile and i've lost track of time writing this. I intended for this to be fairly short and a breakdown of my mistakes in this last relationship but it ended up being a life story. I hope it helps somebody to avoid what I've put myself through. And I hope this isn't too long to be posted.