Summary: Got back with my oneitis. Dated a sweet girl going through a divorce and broke up due to external circumstances. She changed, or rather, showed her true self when we got back together leading to the final breakup.


I did it. I did what most men wouldn't dream of. I broke up with my girlfriend. It was on my mind for a while but I hamstered why I should wait for things to change, for her to change, that I would be giving up something worthwhile without a proper chance.

It took this relationship for me to simultaneously doubt TRP and assuage my doubts once and for all. All in all, the relationship was pretty good - the first time around. She led me to believe - or rather, I chose to believe - that we had this ethereal connection and could live our happily ever after together. And maybe all this TRP stuff was exaggerated.

Maybe most guys hadn't found a Quality WomanTM yet - they haven't had a special snowflake who kissed the ground he walked on. We broke up once on good terms, and she reached out after a couple months. We restarted until I ended things.

This was a lesson I had to learn firsthand. I had to see it for myself. When I relaxed and got dependent on an innocent girl's mirage that I fucked up.

I wrote this to show you how easy it is for things to get fucked up when you think you've found a unicorn. All the green flags were there; our relationship was easy.

It's funny that a few months ago I was answering posts on asktrp on what not to do and I went ahead and did it myself. Lesson learned.

Backstory


Met this girl at a buddy's place. She tagged along with her best friend after my buddy passed out and suggested we play pool. Find out the girl is married and told me it sucked.

She was white and young but married to a BB she hated. I was charming, taking charge, teasing her, and aloof as we were playing pool. We clicked. I had a flight to Europe the next day.

Her husband shows up at the bar, and they argue about some shit. He storms out, and she looked all sad saying it looked like her marriage was over.

I liked her and told her I knew it was bad timing but wanted to go out when I got back.

She wouldn't give me her number, but followed me on Instagram, saying she'd like to go out but it depended on her marriage situation. I didn't think twice about it. She hit me up a week later, and we started messaging.

I took her rock climbing when I got back (bitches love rock climbing, highly recommend this for dates), then to a bar and finished at her friends place with a wicked blowjob. Slept over and went for breakfast the day after. I canceled my tinder dates because I was sure I found someone special.

And for a long time, I thought she was.

So we started dating.


Round 1 - Green Flags Galore


Despite not having a job and lacking direction in my life post-grad, I had her on lock. I had this abundance mentality even though I really liked her. I was too worried about my life to focus on her.

She paid for almost everything (Well, technically her husband did. Thanks for the good times, chief!) without batting an eye. She bought us tickets to see an EDM show VIP.

She was in the midst of a divorce and knew I was willing to walk if there was too much bullshit. She didn't include me in her divorce talks. I was her escape. Sex was passionate, and she would do anything I wanted. She lived to please me. She could suck a golf ball through a garden hose. Never a hint of displeasure or expectation.

She wanted me to enjoy myself, and she would be the one to fulfill that goal. She was so giving both in bed and in general. So easy to talk to. She didn't bitch or complain. Never demanded anything. I hardly spent a dime on her.

Her faith was a huge part of her identity, and I saw that as a green flag. It made me pedestalize her though, that she was pure and chaste and I was special to her - that's why she did all this stuff with me. And truthfully it showed me this shit works. I was her AF.

The husband knew about me and tried to tell her I was a bad guy because a good one wouldn't get involved with a married woman. Probably right, but still. She defended me. She spent his hard earned money on me. She fucked him fewer times than she could count on 2 hands. I fucked her more times than I can count.

She never raised her voice at me or called me anything bad. She spoke reasonably about people and cared about their feelings. Even her ex who made her miserable, she would try to look for the good in him as a person independent of the relationship. Her parents are still together after 40 years. Many green flags.

Before I get into what changed, let's look at the dynamics the first time around and examine what was different when we got back together.


Why did she treat me so well the first time around?


  • Abundance mentality

I was hooking up with women in Europe and had tinder dates set up upon arrival home. I knew I could find someone else if she didn't meet my expectations. This helped me keep frame and kept her chasing me. Even though I wasn't interested in spinning plates, I was confident I could replace her and I didn't take shit from her as a result.

  • My SMV was higher

I put on some good muscle and had a great tan. Looking great makes things so much easier. Lifting is like a cheat code. Why wouldn't you build a nice physique and make this shit a bit simpler?

  • Her scarcity

She was married so it limited her options.

The question would pop up: why did you get divorced? It's a red flag. She was starved of alpha male cock since her husband locked her up at home and she was dying for a charming, handsome man who could penetrate her body and soul.

She was in school, and I graduated. I was having money issues which hurt me, but she was happy coming over and hooking up. She had her BB taken care of so my being broke wasn't a big factor.

She couldn't dare risk losing me.

  • Mystery - I didn't open up to her

Truthfully, I was struggling with lack of purpose, was depressed and anxious near the end of the relationship. I worked a shitty job, and she even mentioned I lost my funk at one point. Yet together, we would have fun and talk about deep topics. I didn't dump my problems on her, and my feelings for her were always uncertain. She didn't know she had me.

I never brought up exclusivity

I did this the first time automatically because I didn't go in with LTR intentions.

When you don't imply exclusivity, it's built-in dread when she thinks about you hooking up with someone else. Wait for her to bring it up and make sure she knows you're giving up other options and you'll replace her if she fucks up.


But it came to an end eventually


She kept me out of her divorce drama as much as possible because I told her I didn't want to be involved. Eventually, she felt too guilty about lying to her parents and her religious community about our relationship and couldn't handle it anymore. We agreed it was best to break things off.

I was cool, unaffected and told her to hit me up for a booty call. She said she'd take me up on the offer. We ended things on a good note.


In between break-ups


It hit me after that I really liked this girl, and I missed her. I went monk mode and took a few months to get my shit in order. I was feeling confident, building toward my career and genuinely happy.

Like clockwork, she sent me a message telling me about some art show her friend was hosting. We chatted a bit, I asked her about the divorce. I talked to her like I would a friend.

She invited me out to play pool at a bar, but I couldn't make it. I told her I was gonna be in her area for a couple days, and she suggested we get coffee. We met up, and there was lots of chemistry.

She dolled herself up and wore the perfume I love. We hugged and exchanged numbers. Next day she invites me to join her on her campus to do some work.

I still had no expectations because she's an ex and I enjoyed her company enough that I didn't mind shooting the shit with her. I was my jerkboy self, and as soon as she touched me, I knew it was on.

I brought her to my place, and we made out, and she gave me LMR and said she wasn't expecting this to happen. Of course, she didn't. "It just happened," she'll tell her friends.


We sealed the deal, and this is where I fucked up.


When she reached out, it validated all the hard work I put in and all the personal gains I made during our time apart. I thought I was RP before, but realized I still held out for this happily ever after fantasy that she was different; that she wouldn't pull exactly what she ended up doing.

I assumed that we just picked up from where we left off. I rushed things because I wanted to go back to what we had. The reality is that her situation was still fucked, she was still married.

I asked her what changed in between then and now and she said, "Me, mostly." She no longer felt guilty about it, but I told her I didn't want the same thing to happen again, so she'd have to tell me what she wanted to do.

When you have oneitis, you believe you have something special together. What I should've done was see her casually and let her bring up the exclusivity talk after convincing me that things would be different.

Rushing a woman into a decision signals that:

  1. You like her a lot, which isn't bad in itself but can push her away
  2. She's your best and/or only option
  3. You're concerned about her hooking up with others instead of the other way around.

I was all three.

She called me one morning to tell me a family "friend" dropped by and her parents let him in. They had some history, and she said, "He kissed me." I knew what that meant in Hamsterese, so I told her I wasn't cool with that and acted butthurt.

She said she wouldn't have done it if we were in an exclusive relationship and that she cares about me and doesn't want me out of her life and to call her if I decide I still want to talk. I told her not to keep her hopes up and hung up.

I was pissed. This happened to me before, and it's my fault for being a butthurt chump. How can I be mad at someone taking advantage of an easy hookup when they aren't in a relationship? If an old fling hit me up during that same time, I wouldn't have even mentioned her.

I was hurt because I believed that she loved me. That I was special and we were meant to be in some strange way. If I were spinning plates, I would have either shrugged it off or nexted her. Both good options, instead I acted like a bitch and had to backtrack when I realized it.

I went to her place and forgave her for it and said she had to tell me if she's Fuck Yes or Fuck No. She had to think about it, but my thirsty ass threw her an ultimatum to which she said, "Let's do it."

So began the nosedive.


Round 2 - Why getting back with your ex is always a bad idea


I've read a bunch of Red Pill threads about never getting back with your ex, but I hamstered why this situation was unique. She told me she missed me and she'd been getting a lot of mostly negative attention from guys (pumped and dumped probably) and felt like we didn't give our relationship a proper shot.

This was true; we didn't have a proper relationship the first time around. The reason we broke up was external and not a problem between us. This situation was different, right?

She thought she had the upper hand, and stopped hiding her red flags. Or maybe I just noticed them the second time.

She said she waited a month after our break up before she went back into the field like I was supposed to congratulate her for not loading up on cock immediately after. She still needed dick and no matter what, she would get it. After seeing how shitty she felt without a guy that won't leave her after sex, she came back.

A guy will wait years for a girl without blinking an eye so that he could be with her. A girl will move on to another guy or 10 and then come back to an ex and tell herself that it was destiny all along.

I wanted to lay out all my boundaries and told her I would probably break up with her if she went out clubbing with her slutty friends. She thought I wouldn't act on it.

I told her clubbing is single behavior, and she could do what she wants, but I was free to choose too. She said that she didn't want to be controlled and trust is important, and she needs to feel free. I was a chump for committing.

I was being controlling and whining and negative.

What she heard was "I'm concerned about your behavior because I care too much about losing you to another man."

A strong man doesn't state his boundaries to his woman when she's breaking them, that's weak. He says it long before while he's qualifying a woman to see if she meets his standards. If she has an issue, she'll take it or leave it.

You can't force someone to change but sometimes they will if they know the value of what they're giving up. Just don't believe in a Disney-style ending where she sees the error of her ways and becomes the perfect lover, and you live happily ever after.

I idealized her, not realizing that I inadvertently pedestalized her. This subconsciously sabotaged me since it hurt my ability to see her objectively take the right actions.

I took her complaints seriously. I argued with her logically. I tried to convince her that she shouldn't want to go clubbing with her slutty friends since she was in a relationship. I became more emotionally invested than her. I tried to negotiate desire.

I appreciated her honesty, even though it blows. I'm not going to give up my options if she's going to keep hers. I'll just be single. I won't have to deal with shit, and I can fuck who I want.

During a relationship talk, I saw her attraction wane with every boundary, demand and threat. She wondered if we were trying to force things. We were.

It wasn't easy the 2nd time around.

The breakup, no matter what the reason was (only she truly knows), added a 50lb weight to our relationship even though we both wanted things to be back to normal.

She was feeling confident, sexy, uninhibited and by definition, me taking her back validated to her that she was important to me.

She wasn't cheating. Maybe she wasn't even thinking about it. But all signs were beginning to point to 'yes' and anytime you have to try hard in a relationship; it's already over. She openly said she wouldn't not go out with her friends just because I wasn't cool with it.


But the realization eventually comes that your Cinderella is actually the Paper Bag Princess


I was reaching for every reason not to dump her despite all these red flags. She disrespected me and acted snotty. She was secretive with her phone and openly flirty with dudes. I could tell there was a loss of attraction and respect. I was ready to nuke the relationship. Fuck dread game when you're dreading life.

I knew it would cause me more misery and pain in the future. Better I eat some shit now than swallow a truckload of bullshit later on.

I realized this was a woman that needs male attention to survive. We can say that about women in general, but this one in particular hates being single. She's a serial dater. She couldn't wait until her divorce papers were signed before finding a new man.

She's an eternal ingenue type (my fucking weakness), so I don't doubt she can find a nice beta to pay her way. I feel kind of sad for her. I'm disappointed that she turned out to be like every other woman, but she made me believe in love and relationships.


The Breaking Point


I was ready to end things but gave her the benefit of the doubt to see if she would change. She didn't.

I told her to come over, and she asked what time because she was going to a party with her friend. She told me she was getting sick the day before and didn't mention the party at all let alone invite her boyfriend out. That was it. DEFCON 1 reached.

I texted her because I felt like she didn't deserve a call after acting like that. She made her decision, and I made mine. She couldn't believe I broke up with her over text, saying it was incredibly disrespectful. I laughed my ass off when I saw that.

I feel sorry for her because her short-sightedness is gonna leave her unhappy and bitter as she admitted to me. Not having a good man destroyed her, yet she still chose to act like a bitch and disrespect me, choosing a party lifestyle over a real relationship.

She has to explain to her friends why a sexy, charming, funny, interesting and smart guy dumped HER over text.

Of course, it's going to be because I'm an asshole, I was controlling, and whatever else she can come up with. It's not going to be because she wasn't behaving right.

That said, what's a good faithful girl doing in a cocktail dress, makeup and dancing at a club with known sluts?

Putting yourself willingly in sexual situations is a red flag. Having party girlfriends is a red flag. When I hang out with losers, they rub off on me. The most faithful girl will get worn down over time by tales of whorery and intrigued by the attention of hordes of thirsty suitors their single friends are getting.


She can never live up to your ideal


She had many great qualities and lots of green flags. It doesn't matter.

Your unicorn has skeletons in her closet. Even if she doesn't, she still might not be right for you. She will never live up to your ideal, and if you treat her like a goddess, her feminine guile will shiv you straight in the heart. The more I learned about my ex's true nature and past, the more disgusted I grew.

You have to look at every situation objectively and decide for yourself. Using yours and others' experience and studying the theory can only inform you of likelihood and risk. I realized that I had to trust my gut. When you feel like you're going to get kicked in the nuts, it's probably coming.

My ideal was shattered, and there was no way to get it back. It wasn't healthy at all.

Realize when you're getting a raw deal and withdraw your commitment. It's our most powerful tool and the more we exercise ruthlessness in taking it away, the more respect we garner for ourselves. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too, but I wasn't allowed to complain she was getting fat.


Conclusion


After breaking up with her, I had plans to watch the champions league final with some boys and then hit up a club for my buddy's girls birthday. I knew I probably wouldn't be up to chase new women, but I went anyway. I had a great time and talked to new people and checked my baggage at the door.

I thought I was cold and standoffish. Later, I told some girls I just broke up with my girl, and they were surprised that I was so happy and easy going. Perspective is interesting.

Walking to the subway alone at 2:30 am was magnificent. I had no arm candy with me or someone telling me I'm hot or they love me. I felt great. Even though I'm hurt and disappointed and wish it wasn't like this, I felt happy that I was comfortable with myself. That only I can make myself happy. That all I need is to be present to enjoy what this crazy world has to offer.

I shed some tears (a few) the night of when it hit me that what I did was for good. The next day I got emotional except it wasn't about my ex. It was about love and pain and sorrow in general. I realized the ideal of love was what I had fallen in love with. That two fucked up people in fucked up situations with fucked up feelings involved could complete each other and live happily ever after.

It was a huge wake-up call that I needed to get my shit together.

I hope this helps guys who are still pining for an ex, get over the delusion that things will turn out all right. I invite any comments, suggestions or feedback on my experience.


Lessons Learned


  • Getting back with an ex is never a good idea even if you broke up on good terms due to some external reason
  • Men lose frame in relationships long before they get disrespected - it happens the moment you give your commitment to an undeserving woman
  • When someone tells you who they are, pay attention because it's usually 100% accurate
  • Idealizing a woman will only leave you heartbroken and disappointed - she'll never attain that ideal