(The Following is a Re-post):
Do women think you’re a ‘nice guy’? Do you find yourself square in the friend zone with women again and again? I understand this frustration as well as anyone (I didn’t get my first kiss until I was 19).
Over years of trial and error I learned how to become emotionally (and sexually) attractive to women- in this article I’m going to share one of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned about success with women.
What Women Really Want
Women want to be swept of their feet. They want to meet a man who is thrilling, even somewhat dangerous. They want a man who brings them into a new reality where anything is possible, a guy who makes all her thoughts about work, errands, drama--- vanish.
Some men, referred to as ‘naturals’ intuitively understand this and have a mindset that helps them give women what they really want. The power of this mindset is due to a psychological concept known as emotional contagion.
Emotional contagion means that whatever emotion we’re feeling gets spread like a disease to those near us. Scientists have found most laughter, for example, isn’t a direct result of a joke being funny, it’s a result of the laughter of others.
Surely, you’ve felt when someone else was anxious or uncomfortable around you. This was antimagnetic, wasn’t it? It made you want to get away from them. The same concept applies to dating.
Most men are too doubtful in their interactions with women, and because they doubt themselves, the women they interact with doubt them as well. The average man is in a constant state of looking for signals that the girl likes him. If he gets enough signals, he may move things forward.
He spends the interaction wondering if she will be okay with it if he makes a move. He wonders if she will reject him if he puts his arm around her or if he suggests hanging out at his place. His doubtfulness makes her feel doubtful, she can’t put a finger on it, but something feels a little off.
He can tell that she seems a bit uncomfortable, so he assumes that she’s not that into him, so he keeps his foot off the gas. He was planning on inviting her to his place, but now he doesn’t want to ruin his chances with her by moving things forward too quickly. When the date ends, he says goodbye, and kisses her on the cheek.
He texts her but she doesn’t return his messages. He figures she didn’t find him attractive, takes this as a blow to his self-esteem, and on his next date with a girl, is even more doubtful.
That guy (who represents the average man, btw) has got himself in quite the pernicious trap. Despite what he thought, the women he has dates with are (often) attracted to him. Unfortunately, when he’s on a date, the girl can sense he’s feeling uncomfortable, and then, as a result, she feels uncomfortable.
It’s tough, because how is he supposed to know that the women he dates are uncomfortable because of his own discomfort?
The rare men who are naturally successful with women have a mindset in common. They assume the girl likes them until proven otherwise. They move things forward until the girl indicates she wants to slow it down. When he walks next to her, he immediately grabs her hand. When he wants to kiss her, he holds her and leans in. When he wants to take her home, he invites her over.
A girl is much more attracted to a decisive guy because his lack of doubt makes her feel comfortable. Ironically, the guy who is afraid of making a girl uncomfortable by being too forward makes her uncomfortable by being indecisive.
The normal guy tries to avoid awkwardness by waiting until he’s absolutely sure a girl likes him to make a move, but he’s creating more awkwardness than he’s avoiding. The natural is more attractive to women because he’s more assertive. That sense that a guy knows what he wants and that he’s unhesitant to go for it, that is in itself a turn on.
To be fair, when the natural gets rejected, he will get rejected more overtly than the nice guy, but he also doesn’t spend all his time feeling stressed and wondering, “What if I went for it?”
Adopt the Natural’s Mindset
If you’re like the average guy who gets stuck in the friend zone it will help you to make a habit of taking assertiveness challenges. A very simple one is to go to any store and ask for an item free of charge. You probably won’t get the item for free, but that’s not the point. You’re facing the risk of rejection head on. This will help you build your assertiveness like a muscle.
The second component to becoming a guy who is compelling to women is to change your mindset. Your mindset is the lens through which you see the world. If you’re an extremely positive person your mindset might say that people are friendly and success is readily attainable by anyone if they work for it. If you’re more negative you might think that people are negative and success only comes to those with unfair advantages.
One mindset isn’t necessarily more objectively accurate than the other. But there is no one right way to view the world, the right way is the way that helps you. Furthermore, mindsets are often self-fulfilling prophecies. In psychology, this is called the Pygmalion effect: people who believe they will be successful are more likely to be successful simply because they believe they will be.
This is because the belief that you will be successful changes your behavior. If you believe you are destined for success you’re more likely to take the risks that you must take to succeed. Take me, for example. I know I’m not the best writer in the world, but I act like I’m destined to succeed. I regularly pitch articles to large websites with a million plus visitors per month. Sure, a lot of the time I get rejected. But I’ve also gotten published on some large publications and have gotten paid as much as $150 for writing a 1000-word article even though I’ve only been writing for about six months.
I’m not succeeding because I have some unusual talent or skill, I’m succeeding because my mindset entitles me to work hard and take risks.
Similarly, what do you think will happen if your mindset says that women aren’t that attracted to you. Well, you’re not going to want to approach a woman because you don’t think her day is going to be better for it. You’re not going to want to lean in to kiss a girl because you don’t think she really wants to. You’re not going to try to bring her back to her place if you think women aren’t turned on by the sheer sex-appeal of your presence.
I’m not saying objective reality doesn’t exist. Sure, if you’re physically unattractive, that’s a disadvantage (and you can and should work on it). But, by cultivating a positive mindset, your chances with women will improve no matter how objectively attractive you are.
Your positive beliefs will translate into assertive behaviors that will be more attractive to women. It might be hard to believe this if you haven’t experienced it, but I’ve seen guys who were far below average looking regularly succeed with highly attractive women. I’ve also seen guys who are much better than average looking totally fail with women. And the difference was their mindset.
The Seducer’s Mindsets
“Every woman wants me.” Delusional, I know. But can you see how this mindset can help you? You see the cashier making strong eye contact and you think, “She wants me.” Or, you see the cashier look away and make poor eye contact and you think, “She’s nervous because of how much she wants me.”
Is it true? Probably not (although, you never know). The point is, when you think she wants you, you’re much more likely to ask her for her number. And the very fact that you are confidently asking for her number is attractive. This doesn’t mean she will find you attractive, but it increases your odds. Beyond that, your odds would have been 0 if you didn’t try.
When I was developing this mindset, I would literally walk around and imagine that every woman who came near me was turned on by my presence. As far as I was concerned when a girl heard my voice, she would go home later and finger herself to the memory.
There’s an important nuance that I want to hammer in here. I knew on some level this wasn’t totally true. But I let myself flirt with the idea, it was a fun experiment. What shocked me, was over time, it actually worked.
Women have started saying things like, “I haven’t felt butterflies like that in years,” or “We shouldn’t be left in a room together.” Why? Because I’ve started to genuinely believe that women are turned on by me. That belief helps me to take assertive actions and project a sexual vibe.
Yes, I still get rejected by women, (because they’re too nervous in the presence of the most attractive man in the world.. ;) but I also have a lot more success with women. You should be skeptical about this. If you haven’t personally experienced it, it might seem absurd. But how do you know for a fact that this doesn’t work? I invite you to give it a try. Be skeptical, but see what happens when you start intentionally mindfucking yourself to believe that women are attracted to you. See if you start to take more risks. If you start to see women being more attracted to you. Maybe mindset is total bullshit, maybe it isn’t. Don’t take my word for it. Try it for yourself.
I’ve found that by practicing assertiveness and intentionally pretending that every woman I meet is attracted to me; I’ve actually become more attractive to women. I’ve found that my self-belief is in itself attractive. It’s strange because it’s very intangible and it’s not something that seems like it should be attractive.
Yet, I used to be that nice guy who went on four dates before a girl finally lost interest, and now I’m not. See what happens when you start to filter your thoughts through the mindset, “Women find me extremely attractive.” You might make some interesting discoveries.
You can find more of my writing at: http://redpilltheory.com/