I’m a moderate, science-oriented guy who encountered the men’s part of the internet right before becoming an adult and spent lots of time on tracking its development throughout the nuances of ideological conflicts. I talked a lot to people representing diverse perspectives, checked the literature so you (mostly) don’t have to and summarized top lessons. Here’s my take-away message that will help you avoid surprisingly common and serious mistakes the manosphere readers make.

1. Strive to become the steelmanned version of a MGHOW.

  • While the Men’s Rights Movement struggles to change the existing system governing gender relationships and The Red Pill tries to exploit it with varying degrees of moral responsibility, Men Going Their Own Way opt out of the parts of the system failing the cost-benefit and risk-benefit analyses. It is also the most important move, giving you a sense of agency.
  • The game is mostly rigged. For most men, it is advisable not to marry and not to have kids (they also probably wouldn’t make you happier). Check local regulations to avoid falling into the common law marriage, secure financial assets, as well as regularly collect and secure extensive evidence against any false accusations. If it’s too late for these things, focus on the possible damage control. Take few hours to evaluate your personal situation and think of all the possible failure modes, rank them by probability, list preventive measures and take them.
  • Don’t fall into the vitriolic, low-quality content flooding the MGTOW community; I know it’s perceived as a „hospital for the wounded”, but the low-effort submissions are just devaluing the core message. Don’t become the 30-40 year-old version of the edgy, socially awkward kid from the high school. Seeking external justification for being frustrated because you still struggle with the anger phase just perpetuates the problem.
  • Don’t cross out the possibility of entering a long-term, supportive relationship; if you’re a decent person, you absolutely deserve the health and well-being benefits it offers. And if you happen to be in one, don’t get overly paranoid or obsessed with the power balance: dedicate 30 minutes each week for a „worry and checkup session” to reflect on the dynamics and identify potential problems/risks you can address.

2. Enjoy the bulk benefits of self-improvement.

  • Things that contribute positively to your Sexual Market Value greatly overlap with things that improve the overall quality of life.
  • Even if you stay (in)voluntarily celibate, pay for sexual services and/or gave up dating, there is no excuse for not taking care of your mental and physical health, shape, presence, body language, persuasiveness, education, financial stability, peer network and various passions. Life’s too short and fragile to be small.
  • Non-neediness is often presented as the top attractive quality. The obvious paradox is that the more you want something or somebody, the more you’re needy about it. You can’t fake it or display it through vulnerability when your life is off the proper track. Treat non-neediness as an emergent phenomenon which manifests partially due to the genuine and high self-esteem combined with inner philosophical peace, and partially because of other aspects of a sorted and fulfilling life.
  • SMV has little or nothing to do with your value as a human being. There are hundreds of embarrassing celebrities with high SMVs who do not bring anything constructive to the world. If you’re a conscientious nerd, you’re at least on the top of the IQ distribution, the most powerful force in the universe you can use to make it a better place. Get a proper perspective despite the social pressures.

3. Manosphere subreddits and networks offer rapidly diminishing returns.

  • Learning the accurate core message and internalizing it by sincerely and completely resolving the so-called anger phase is 90% of success.
  • Most of the things you can read in daily submissions are basically the re-iteration of already made observations. The amount of poor anecdotal evidence and bias usually translates into the low signal-to-noise ratio.
  • The NoFap community is at least controversial. When it comes to the excessive masturbation and pornography use, there is no clear scientific consensus; most of reasonable voices state that they become a problem if interfering with everyday life or indicating other underlying issues (neuroticism, violence, social isolation, need for a super-intense stimulation). Given this argument and the overwhelming presence of sexual content in a modern world, it might be good to find a compromise and dedicate two time slots in a week, one for masturbation and one for viewing softcore erotica. This should reconcile releasing the sexual tension and keeping things under control.
  • You’re likely stuck on the outrage porn/manosphere content because a) it’s kind of addictive, b) you have the fear of missing out. According to the efficient market hypothesis, if there’s something surprising, posing a significant threat or giving you a real advantage, you’ll quickly hear about it.
  • Limit yourself to reading critically few core books - „Mate” by Geoffrey Miller and Tucker Max, „Models” by Mark Manson, „The Rational Male” series by Rollo Tomassi and „The Red Pill Handbook” - as well as top 20 posts of all time from each manosphere subreddit. Make notes and apply the knowledge. Form lasting habits. Then, unless you’re a paid activist or volunteer, exit (thanks for making one exception for this post ;)) and limit time spent in the manosphere to maximum 15 minutes each week. In most cases, gender issues are not worth more time. If you’re super-inclined towards raising awareness, take 1 hour each week to deliver the tailored message to good men and/or people in positions of power who many influence the course of things. Set non-negotiable time constraints or you’ll end up overwhelmed with the negative emotions.

4. Traditional conservatives (TradCons) are mostly right about one thing.

  • If we could have a really effective matching algorithm (taking genetics, personality, interests and life circumstances into account) and globally re-instantiate the philosophically or religiously motivated marriage 1.0 as a default, legally supported option for 80-90% of people, it could easily solve dozens of individual and social issues with relatively few manageable downsides. It would probably be a near-optimal solution.
  • As you might expect, it’s a purely theoretical concept. When even the marriage 2.0 is in decline, we need to develop a new framework, probably on the basis of consensual non-monogamy. Unfortunately, there are countless problems with managing this type of relationships, the world of polyamory deepens existing female advantage and is almost entirely dominated by radical left-wing ideologues, so hypothetical adjustments are going to take years. The bottom line is that we don’t have a sustainable, systemic model fo the long-term relationships in the 21st century, and I wouldn’t expect to see the assortative polyamory adjusted with game theory and (evolutionary) psychology any time soon.

5. Gender relationships are coordination problems.

  • Many of the gender issues are enclosed in zero-sum games, many are not. We should aim for the fair division of desired resources in zero-sum games and focus on creating non-zero-sum games (win-win deals). We shouldn’t think so much about particular individuals but about the structure of systems (don’t hate the player, hate the game). These considerations are far more complicated than most of us think, so learn about the evolution of cooperation.
  • Steelmanned, evidence-driven versions of liberal (second wave) feminism and men’s rights movement are generally compatible and could jointly lead towards increased cooperativeness. There is a lot of potential for improving the quality of discussion, introducing better standards (like agreeing on arguing in the “collaborative truth-seeking mode”, using the Ideological Turing Test), spotting cognitive biases and sophisticated manipulation techniques. Remember that two wrongs don’t make a right, so harming the other side because you’re disadvantaged in a different domain is ultimately counterproductive. Individually, you sometimes have to opt out of the unjust settings. Sooner or later, decent people will follow.
  • Third wave feminism and manosphere are similar to playing “defect” in the iterated social version of the prisoner's dilemma, either offensively or in defense. It likely leads to the tragedy of the commons, and the social isolation becomes a major threat to public health. As you can see, social dynamics are extremely complex and subject to many variables, so debates over „who started the fire” are rather pointless. Unfortunately, I’m not really sure when and how we can eventually stop this self-perpetuating insanity.
  • We should legally ostracize/penalize bad people (and bad ideas) violating the principles of a well-adjusted cooperative framework. It might be tempting to focus on taking advantage in the power game as often as possible, but it’s not a sustainable solution (you’re acting like the greedy algorithm and evoking backfire). Do not become the demon you fight.
  • Associating oneself openly with the men’s right movement will almost automatically label you a sexist misogynist and exclude you from the dominating circles which perpetuate rigged games. You’re going to have more positive impact if you present yourself as an independent, smart moderate or a member of the dominating in-group who points out towards specific men’s problems. Use the Fabian strategy by raising awareness from the bottom-up and emphasizing the contradictions of the postmodern social justice cult. If in doubt, always keep your identity small.
  • Anonymously support cost-effective, high-quality men’s initiatives with you money and/or advice.
  • There’s also a request for men’s groups: prepare handouts addressing the most important topics, so that the censorship of men’s problems loses its effectiveness. Prepare weekly or monthly newsletters with the condensed message on global and local men’s issues, so that men wouldn’t have to spend hours in the manosphere constantly trying to look for new threats.

6. Actual misogyny backfires.

  • Some women are horrible, many or most of them benefit from the ideological bias which is often openly exploited. Some of negative traits are also more prevalent among women than men, so we can consider them as many aspects of the toxic femininity archetypes.
  • Having said that, never end up bitter and victimized for the sake of your own mental health. Don’t scan the environment constantly searching for the minor examples of oppression that go well with your confirmation bias. That’s how the third wave feminists generally feel, no matter if they experience more or less real oppression. While it’s very risky to be done in a direct manner, some of them will change their mind if you politely show them counter-evidence. Most of the anti-male ideologies are also self-contradicting, so they slowly devour their own believers. Don’t overly stigmatize people confused by the absurdities of culture wars or victims of the ideological brainwashing, as long as they don’t attack you directly. Name and shame cynical ideologues who treat them instrumentally in order to reach their own goals.
  • Don’t stay resentful towards women. Some cooperate, trying to transgress their specific advantages and see the other side, some live genuinely productive, admirable lives and deserve to be rewarded. Think of mothers in difficult situations, female Doctors Without Borders, talented scientists, artists and simply kind girls from the neighborhood. Manosphere largely deals with the sexual strategy and its social implications, and while this sphere is extremely important, it certainly doesn’t cover all the human interactions. Attention-seeking middle class Instragram wannabe models might be extremely privileged, while depressed and sensitive girls taking care of their sick siblings are not. Do not dehumanize women even if you feel it numbs you to games they often play.
  • You can’t opt out of the sexual strategies and dynamics, but authentic relationships are about coordination and suspending these games as much as possible. There’s a thin line between the Game and subtle emotional abuse, which, more often than not, backfires.

7. Beware of the fake alpha and anxious-avoidant traps.

  • Always consider that you might be acting like or striving to become a fake alpha. It’s a particularly sneaky trap, so consider the likely underlying mechanism – a co-dependent/narcissist trap (it also perfectly explains the state of the PUA scene).
  • Some of the manosphere readers try to equalize being beta with the anxious attachment style, and being alpha with the secure or avoidant style. Then they try to change their innate attachment styles and bond with wrong people, which usually ends up with a horror story. Don’t do this.
  • If there’s a feminine-like or sensitive part of you, don’t try to forcefully change it. Instead, understand it better from the informed perspective.

8. Manosphere is not a cure for existential crises.

  • Many of the frustrations expressed in the manosphere actually refer to big picture issues like mortality, finding life purpose, dealing with the better and worse angels of our human nature, as well as resolving the problem of pleasure and attachment. It might be better to seek answers in the contemporary approaches to the ancient wisdom included in Eastern philosophies (especially Buddhism) and Stoicism.
  • As much as you hate to admit it, you’re quite likely to have an unresolved psychological issue or a disorder. And as much as you don’t want to admit it, you may perceive the things through the faulty lens. Check out these great guides about depression and anxiety.
  • If you’re looking for the meaning in measurable and practical terms, consider joining the Effective Altruism movement and the associated blogosphere. It’s still far from the Platonic ideal, but at least it has reasonable priors, gathers interesting people and actually changes the world.

9. Take a big picture view on the number’s games.

  • Even if some of the dating market dynamics (such as the open hypergamy) perpetuate cruel inequalities with many negative implications, there are still outliers. Even if you are incapable of solving the systemic problem, you can drastically increase your changes by sticking out from the crowd and maximizing the number of interactions you have within the most promising niches. It requires much more time-consuming work, so focus on weeding out incompatible people as fast as possible. If you can achieve it, things look much brighter:

Archetypal Chad: 1 000 interactions 30% mutual interest = 300 dates 1% strong compatibility = 3 close relationships

Archetypal Beta Normie: 30 000 interactions 1% mutual interest = 300 dates 1% strong compatibility = 3 close relationships

10. Embrace optimism and mystery.

  • While being a man in the world of a post-rational discourse is kind of depressing, humanity as a whole seems to be heading in a good direction. You may not be able to feel it directly, but many important things are getting better.
  • There is a growing number of reasonable people leaving the arms race of the Red Tribe hijacked by alt-right/neoreactionaries and the Blue Tribe hijacked by control-left/postmodernists. Seek for or establish your local Grey Tribe communities defined by nuance, moderation, compassion and everyday kindness.
  • Despite all the research and conventional wisdom, love (or, if you prefer, the mate choice) is still a mysterious entity. Up until now, no-one has been able to fully understand the nature of romantic infatuation (even with the recent use of machine learning), and if the day of truth finally comes, it’s likely going to help us in leading more fulfilling lives.

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In reason and love, Anon