This will be a long post. I haven't made a post in a LONG time. I've been busy/grappling with my own issues. Although I watch from the sidelines quite a bit and comment frequently, sometimes I need to just say something when it's really important to me.

I went through the typical steps of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance) in terms of the whole red/black pill process like everyone else before me. I actually found it all to be quite liberating and freeing. Like a massive burning, aching feeling removed from my deepest subconscious, because I was able to define and express the obscure notions that had been plaguing me for years: "why couldn't I ever make a relationship work?" "Why am I unhappy here? Why are my friends being cheated on by their girlfriends/wives?" "Why do my girlfriends always do this or say that?" "Why is the sex getting stale?" So on and so forth.

I've come to accept the reality of dating today. Exploring evolutionary psychology/general psychology and understanding why men do the things they do and why women do theirs'. It's nice being able to look at a friend of mine and see EXACTLY what's going on with him and his partner, and what he could do to fix it, but also do it quietly, and just think "I used to be that poor bastard, and I used to be there, with that pain. But I get to go home tonight and I can choose to stay up all night playing my favorite game. Or I can go to the gym. Or I can go to bed at 8:00pm because I am feeling tired, and dream peacefully in a warm queen-sized bed all to myself. I can order a pizza and wings and fries and get fat and happy on shitty food for a night. Or I can saute some chicken breast with veggies and leafy greens and have some berries for desert. Or I can just drink Red Bull and take drugs and not eat anything at all and marathon on the game. Fuck I could even get in my car and drive to another state and start completely over if I wanted to. Or another fucking country!"

It's liberating. Freedom. I absolutely cherish my solitude.

But there's a different kind of loneliness that causes me immense pain. It's one of the biggest things that causes me depression. It comes from an isolation of the mind, of thought. I feel as though I'm living in a desert of possibility and free-thinking, of intellectual pliability, all on my lonesome. Meanwhile almost everyone around me drowns in an ocean of forced thinking. Preconceived notions, judgment, labels, perfectly tailored, articulated, and formulated belief systems and they're all parroting the same fucking mind-trash. Sometimes I come across someone in the desert, but they usually are too afraid to speak of the unspeakable things.

In the physical sense -the world around me- I feel completely cut-off from almost everyone because it is impossible to connect with anyone in a mental capacity to share ideas, communicate truly progressive notions (progressive in it's true definition), and ultimately question things that by nature are intended to be questioned. My words, and then ultimately, my thoughts, have to be carefully picked and censored to speak a dialogue with almost everyone, as the language of today is one of victimhood, hate, and blame-mentality. One slight slip-up and my entire reputation is destroyed. A serious blunder and my actual livelihood is at stake.

I still have a low-key Facebook profile that I use to keep in touch with my friends who are busy around the world with their lives, chasing their goals. I have only about 58 friends total because I have to make cuts frequently, to save my sanity from all the egotistical, arrogant, narcissistic, man/woman-children that spout heinous bullshit crap on a daily basis. Recently, I began reconnecting with some old friends from high school and was really excited to catch up, tell wild stories, express awesome ideas. I was forced to go to a very prestigious prep school. While it was a pretty difficult experience, being forced and groomed to become a certain way to fit in society. I still have very fond memories of some of the people; the kids I was friends with.

These kids, all grown up now, that I was friends with, boy and girl alike, were some of the brightest kids I ever knew. Geniuses who had such incredibly open minds. Open to concepts and ideas. Open to the possibility of the existence of things right before us we couldn't even see or touch or perceive. Open to the idea that we live in a world that's not what it seems and the whole concept of America good, rest of the world bad, was bogus and that the American dream was a lie. Young people who fucking QUESTIONED things. Investigated possibilities and information for themselves, and concluded things for THEMSELVES. Truly, great minds.

The more I stuck my face out into the web of connectivity, the more heavy, insurmountable, dread I felt bearing down on me. Chatting with them was all the same. Like interfacing with a scripted, well-programmed robot. The first questions THEY ALL ask are, "where'd you go to college?", "what degree do you have?", "where are you living now?", "what do you do for work?", "what's your position there?" "how much money are you making, (but always in the guise of an observation, "you seem to be doing well for yourself to be able to travel"). And I mean, their questions were all asked the same way, phrased the same way, and all came in the same order. It's never "how are you?/are you happy?", "what kind of things are you learning/reading/doing?", "hobbies?". And there's never, ever a "dude, I've missed you/thought about you". It's all merely a pissing contest. Who has the most status, money, things, nicest car, best body, hottest girlfriend. But it's all done in the most dishonest, passive-aggressive way possible. And it's never a comparison about who's amassed more wisdom, knowledge, empathy, or who's overcome their demons. Things that have real substance. Because nobody has any real class, spine, conviction, character anymore. Everyone is the same shallow, boring, consumerist, "left" or "right"-winged, sycophantic, Social Justice zealot, narcissistic, sociopathic corporate slave FUCKTARD.All these people, were so vibrant with life. So unique and passionate. So inquisitive. Thirsty and ravenously hungry to peer out into the unknown and discover meaning. They found it I suppose, but all with different diverging paths coming to the same ending.

My roommate in the dorm for two years, who was heavily bullied for being gay, whom I protected and defended on a daily basis by the chad jock basketball players there on full-scholarships, would play audio-books for us at night while we studied and slept. I'd let him on my computer to play video games (something his parents forbade him from doing while growing up) and with a little nudge here and there he became more of an expert at Elder Scrolls in a semester than I did in years. He was socially awkward but bright and highly creative. He wanted more than anything to become an artist and publish graphic novels. He knew all about the Walking Dead, Watchmen, Sin City, all before that shit became pop-culture/ TV shows/movies. He was an exceptionally talented sketcher.

Now he's a realtor. Super clean-cut and homogenized in appearance and mannerisms. The way he talks is like an infomercial. He doesn't do art at all. He participates in cross fit competitions. I tried to bring up more emotional, genuine life related topics. He curved that very quickly. He commended me for still trying to accomplish my life goals, but where he looked up to me in high school like his big brother for my optimism surrounded in heavy sarcasm and brusque humor, he was now condescending and cold, and found me offensive. He invited me to like his realtor page. And told me if I should ever move to Portland look him up for a good deal on some property. We haven't spoken again.

This one girl who was considered awkward and weird, and was completely fucked over by the popular group she once belonged to (your typical wouldn't put out for older chad so he made up a story, the other girls hated her out of jealously already and so all agreed to ostracize her as the bad, slutty cunt of the school), I got to know a bit over the years. She was years ahead of me, and I found her to be completely drop-dead gorgeous. She had atypical features when it came to "beauty", so she was teased often by the "hot girls". As I was super blue-pilled and beta in most of middle and high school, I was too shy to ever express my fondness for her despite the rumors and her rebellious nature. But I was a close platonic younger guy-friend. We would hang out in the lounge, just the two of us on cold February mornings and eat poptarts, because we both shared an unusual free-time slot that 90% of the student body had a class in. She loved nature, though she didn't appear to be an outdoors type, the way she dressed/acted. She trained horses. And loved camping/hiking serious trails and wildernesses. She wanted to move out to a place like Montana or Colorado and open her own ranch. She was very creative also. She wanted to create her own line of formal dresses, too. She looked like an annoying, rebellious, angry teenage girl who would probably smoke cigarettes at the mall, but she was intelligent, sweet, highly empathetic, and loved opera and Roman architecture. I think that's why I was so attracted to her. She surprised me. She looked a certain way but when you got to know her she was deep, genuine, and passionate about things other than iPods, polo shirts, BMWs, and 50 cent.

From what I gathered she's really into cooking and wants to open a restaurant of her own. She did a lot of grinding on kitchen lines in fancy restaurants in cities all around the country. But it's there. The same embracing of the hive-mind. Oh, she's completely blossomed into a complete 10, like I always thought she would. Where all the bitches who made fun of her all now look like washed up druggies, she hasn't even come close to the wall. She only got hotter. But she's covered in tattoos, piercings everywhere, side shave, and embraces the "bad bitch" persona. Her posts on her wall are all the same self-righteous rantings like 75% of everyone's today: "white men are bad", "you're a nazi if you don't think x", "off yourself if you believe y". And her photos are 99% selfies and revealing bikini shots on beaches around the world. Where once she was absolutely hilarious with a quirky, unintended sense of humor, now shes crass and vulgar. Vagina jokes abound, and sticking it to the white man/patriarchy. She's cool cause she has a gay black friend. She turned into the girls she hated. No words can describe how elegant and fabulous she appears with her designer clothes and artistic style. But how could one ever want to suffer such high-maintenance, aggressive, vulgar behavior? My own cognitive dissonance here is real.

My one friend who I played CS 1.6 with every night wanted to be a pilot and is now a entrepreneur made from his wealthy family. He owns some kind of international cryptocurrency company, and gives ted-talks about self-improvement. He's launching his own brand soon. Hes' too busy with his wealth and fame to even be bothered with SJW bullshit. When he speaks, it's with that same artificial optimism and energy all high-paid salesman project. I might as well be asking for an autograph if I were to speak to him.

Another guy who wanted to be a history teacher or a writer, is now a senior partner at some software development company they made after having worked for Microsoft for years. He went to a prestigious college on a full scholarship. He still speaks about his struggle being a Hispanic male in a white world. Yet with all the money he's making, he can't take time to stop during his cycling trips through Tuscany and wine-country California with his white fiance, to give back to his community. He personally hated me in highscool because my family had more money than his, and constantly said he deserved to be fucking my girlfriends because they were only dating me because of my (perceived) wealth. But he also just hated white dudes.

Then, of course my absolute closest friends. We were inseparable. They have not spoken to me in approximately 10 years. Even though, they occasionally like a photo or post of mine. I've made this post already too long (I didn't intend to at all, honestly, I just haven't wrote in a long time and it's a sort of therapy), so I won't go into detail about our awesome friendships and wild adventures, while they lasted, but just a rundown of who they were and what they became in short.

Considered my twin brother by everyone, including ourselves. My best friend and I did everything together and we had identical senses of humor. He was the only reason I went to school. And the main reason I no longer pondered suicide after a failed attempt. We were kings of Halo 2 online, both in skill and trolling. And we'd skip classes constantly to play Magic: The Gathering. We concocted the best pranks. We were legendary for a time. Though, he was of the good-stock, so he got away with literally everything, and eventually realized he was going nowhere with this loser. His father was a massive, authoritative cocksucker. And always wanted to fight me because of his own complexes. That and he came from a pedigree of collegiate runners, which he forced his son to do, while I was excelling in MMA of all things (which was a huge problem at such a fucking prissy school) so he constantly made fun of me being an inferior male because I couldn't run as fast as his son. He (my friend) made it really in with that popular preppy crowd, the same one that fucked that girl over I mentioned earlier (and a lot of other people, including myself). All he wanted to do was get a cartoon ran on Adult Swim. He had a great sense of humor. He also wanted to be a park ranger at a huge, epic national park, and help lost hikers. He secretly despised his father and hated having everything decided for him. And explicitly decreed he'd never become a reporter/journalist like his father.

He ended up setting all the running records at the prep school, going to the same college, joining the same frat, joining the running team, taking the same classes, and is now a reporter for a very left-wing news company. He's best friends with all the loafer and popped-collar wearing douche bags he hated in high school and they go the Hamptons and shit like that. The last time he spoke to me, he said he was late for a train, and he'd call me back right after he got home that night. I called to try and talk to him about my pain dealing with my mom's first and only failed suicide attempt the weeks before (she eventually succeeded). That was a long time ago.

My other best friend, who practically let me live at this house, knowing how awful it was living with my alcoholic dad, did me even worse. This was my brother who I trusted. Again, we did everything together. And we talked about all the bullshit going on in society, even back in the early 2000s. He got into MMA too, because he was bullied just as bad as I was. We became little bad-asses, and no one fucked with us by 11th grade. His grown-man brother was a drug dealer, so he was able to get ample supplies of weed and pills. Often times he gave me free weed. The popular crowd quickly embraced him as one of their own, despite the fact it was only because he sold them drugs. Well, they stopped buying once he just smoked everyone up at the big parties he was allowed to get into. This was a very big point of contention for both of us. Not because I wasn't invited to the same parties, or he wasn't allowed to hangout with me in public, but because I tried to be honest with him and tell him they were using him, and not really his friends. All this went to his head. Eventually his training did too. And he became a bully himself. Choking/tapping out kids for no reason.

We dated two sisters. Complete scumbag, gold-digging, apathetic, cunts. Cheated on us numerous times. I broke up with mine, after being taken through the ringer for years. He kept with his. You can guess what happened. My ex pressured her sister to never allow him to see me again. Out of fear of rejection from his girlfriend, he obliged.

He went to a prestigious university as well. Where he joined the BJJ club and became a massive pothead/dubstep tool. Our goals were to be professional fighters, together. I've been struggling to meet mine for years for many reasons. All of which I embrace. He became a typical frat jock douche bag. After 8 years of no contact, he reached out to me, pretended he wanted to make amends. But what really happened was, he needed to sell me a ticket to his debut fight. Additionally he was trying to hook me back up with the other sister who was done riding the CC and needed a beta to settle down with. I brought my model girlfriend at the time to the event. He got his ass handed to him because he spent the time leading up to the fight selling his name and advertising rather than training. Again, my ex pressured the sister to disallow me from reconnecting with my old friend.

I'm public enemy #1, after being practically brothers. Additionally he loved to shit on my training and abilities in front of his MMA buddies. Despite knowing full well the truth.

The list goes on, too. A girl who I 'd chill with for hours and hours after school almost every day and smoke weed with wanted to be a journalist and report on the horrible shit being done to the Palestinians by the Israelis (even talking about that at my school would get you into trouble). She ended up being a SJW activist. Piercings, side-shave, dyed hair. The fucking list just keeps going on. Insurance agents, accountants, software developers, politicians, etc. None of that is wrong in of themselves, but the reasons behind pursuing all of that is the same. Status, wealth, materialism.

And all of them, all of them repeat the same, complete bullshit all over social media about patriarchy, white people being bad, etc, etc.

Any opposing voices or thoughts, even the slightest form of critical examination on any of today's belief systems, are met with pure animosity and vitriol; barbaric tribalism at it's best. Real debate/conversation, critical thought, has all but been destroyed by corporate fascism under the guise of an "one for all, all for one" socialist utopia pill that everyone is so fucking eager to have crammed down their throats.

All these interesting, wonderful people I once knew are fucking glorified zombies. Husks.

And it doesn't end there, either. Slowly but surely, the friends I made that replaced the assholes from my youth are all one by one singing the same tune. Arguably even better, more devoted friends. Men I love like real brothers. All joining the same collective thought-camps.

It's not just about the social climate. It's about everything, really. No one questions anything anymore. No one finds their own niches anymore. Everyone is told what to do, say, wear, eat, like. Our very thoughts are manipulated from the moment we turn on the TV or drive into town or listen to music. Nothing is sacred. And we certainly aren't allowed to do things for the sake of fucking doing them or out of love.

And no one dares to fucking ask: HEY, IS THIS OKAY?

All of these great minds being wasted. That is what still causes me grief.