The sub-department I now oversee and my department as a whole are sausage fests. One of my direct reports has been taking advantage of this (even before I came into this role) to basically create a Smurfette effect. She was the second draft pick for the position I got moved into and only lost by a hair. Keep in mind that this is after I saved the company from a coworker's substantial fuckup and demonstrated competence. Meanwhile she's mediocre at her job at best. Crazy to see how far titties can get you. We'll call this woman Susan.
Needless to say she resents the fuck out of me. Thinks my job should be hers and even mentioned such to a former coworker and close friend of mine. Loose lips sink ships, right? She turned up her flirtatiousness ever since, specifically targeting my superior (who is on the executive management team). He's been falling for it hook, line, and sinker. He regards flirting with attractive females as a privilege of rank from what I can tell and, at one point, even had a "talking to" with me (doubtless prompted by this bitch) about her feelings and to be nice and blah blah blah.
Naturally, I decided about ten seconds into this conversation that her name should be taken off my phone directory and put onto an unemployment check.
I fabricated a line of analytical reasoning as to why a problem that had existed in the inventory systems of a foreign office (we'll say the German office) had to be addressed now. Someone would have to go to "Germany" for about three months (give or take) to fix it. My presence was required here to finish rolling out something that was mid-implementation. So Susan was the only option. Boss man was visibly upset. This was his spank tank material after all. Susan was thrilled. She "Always loves to travel!"
Unfortunately for Susan, the work waiting for her in "Germany" was some of the shittiest, most grueling work in existence. And there was no way to avoid it without it being obvious that she had shirked. So she had to do it. That's irrelevant, but it helped me get through those months knowing that she was miserable.
As soon as she left, I set about finding "temporary" help as a replacement. This had been discussed as part of the plan. I quickly found a more than suitable candidate. She was perfect. She was younger than Susan. She was meek and compliant whereas Susan had been boisterous and dominant. She was humble. Most importantly, she was Asian. We will call her Hijun. I told her that the job was temp-to-perm. In a way this was dishonest. But, ultimately, it was truthful!
My boss, I knew for a fact, had a thing for Asians. He took to Hijun immediately. Like cancer takes to a prostate. And it just so happened that she was a very, very diligent employee as well. Her metrics were far better than Susan's ever were. I took note to mention her success publicly and praise her multiple times.
Fast forward three months and I call Hijun over after making sure Bossman is in his office (which is well within earshot). I tell her, quietly, that the three month period of her employment is ending because the person she replaced is due to come back from "Germany" in a week or two (Susan's project ran late because obviously it did). She doesn't understand. I said temp-to-perm, didn't I? Fortunately, I've nailed the "earnest and surprised" look. She begins to cry and I offer her a tissue.
On cue, bossman comes over and asks what's going on.
"Well, as you know, Susan is coming back and will be able to resume her duties... So..."
"Oh, right." I can tell now that Susan had honestly slipped his mind after three months. He seems genuinely torn.
"Unfortunately, it seems there may have been some sort of... language barrier or miscommunication? Hijun was under the impression this would be permanent."
"Oh, Jeese. That stinks." Hamster spinning. "But didn't you say that her numbers have been really good?"
I nod. Hijun is not crying but is still clearly distraught and sniffling. "That's true. All of her metrics have been stellar. But unfortunately there's not enough work here for two positions."
"Yeah... there must be something we can do, though."
He wants an excuse at this point. I have one.
"Well, aren't they still looking to fill that position in accounts payable? Susan had a minor in accounting."
This position has been filled and vacant on and off for years. Because the manager is an idiot who doesn't know what she wants. This position is a metaphorical toilet with the flushing power of Niagara falls that can dispose of even the largest pieces of human refuse. Namely, Susan. What's more, it is in an entirely different department. But big dick bossman can get her placed there if he wants.
"Hey! That's right!" Ignores me, immediately turns to Hijun and begins to comfort her. "Don't worry, Hijun. We've got it. You'll stay on and become permanent in this role and Susan will take a different role in the company. Okay?"
She's obviously still broken up a bit, but hopeful. She nods. His white knighting over, he turns back to me to deal with the reality of the decision he's just made. "Is she still up, you think?"
"Well, it should be 3:40 in 'Germany' now. Do you want me to ask her if this is okay?"
"I'll tell her." Bossman exits stage left. I let Hijun regain her composure, apologized for the confusion, and made sure to have her made permanent before Susan was back on the same continent. Susan is currently battling the atomic water pressure of the Accounts Payable toilet, Hijun is performing better than ever (she still thanks me sometimes), and bossman can jack off to this nice girl who is not qualified for and has no interest in my position.