One of the things that might be useful to know about your girlfriend, co-workers, or your parents is whether or not they are actually interested in helping you move forward in life, or if they are in a completely different frame that doesn't include your needs as a priority. This can be hard to tell, because sometimes their needs align with yours by chance or circumstance, rather than because they want your success. Sometimes, they have no actual interest in helping you, but the cost of opposing you is (temporarily) too high for them.

 

Situation

.1. Someone leaves their shoes in the way so that you trip over them. You mention it a bunch of times, the other person makes a poor effort to improve.

-or-

.2. The other person makes a stern request to you that you find unreasonable. They ask you to put something away that you need to use on an hourly basis.

 

You accept these things to avoid an argument, even though the other person, in your estimation, is clearly wrong or would not be greatly inconvenienced by doing things your way.

 

These things can accumulate. The problem is, as you let them slide, they encroach more and more on your life, one inch at a time, making decisions that have no logic or discernible value. Since you're catering to useless requests, you can actually lose sight of your own goals, so the other person now sees you not only as a doormat, but also as a failure. The other person loses too; they have an exaggerated sense of their own competence, and they've lost whatever benefits you could have provided to them by being focused on useful things.

 

Prevent this problem from growing into a monster. As soon as possible, choose something where the other person is being stubborn. Put your foot down, requesting that things be changed. Choose your battleground wisely. The matter in question should be so small that the other person cannot make big counter-threats without seeming totally insane and unreasonable. Persist, and gauge their reaction. Do this for 2-3 things to get some data.

 

Since the request is small, you don't have skin in the game; so you can pressure them into seeing things your way, without becoming emotional about the consequences of losing. You can remain relaxed while squeezing the vice.

 

Potential Results:

1) They will realize you're actually very serious about doing things a certain way, and comply.

2) They will become irate and start a big argument over nothing, realize how unreasonable they are, and apologize later, and comply.

3) They will not let it go. When you insist, they start attacking you relentlessly , without logic or reason. You've found a red flag. The other person isn't interested in your needs. They tolerate you because you're convenient or maybe even a doormat. It doesn't mean they hate you, but it does mean that are unwilling to make small changes in their life for something that matters a lot to you. They are not necessarily your enemy, but they are likely to screw you over in the future.

 

tl-dr; A disproportionate escalation when you make firm but reasonable requests is ALWAYS suspicious. Fish this garbage out early by not avoiding uncomfortable conversations, at home and at work.

 

Inspired by Louis Rossmann

youtube.com/watch?v=lTREw_c8zjY