A Vagisil Story

So this happened a few years ago while I was working and living in a ski resort. I was working as a doorman for a local bar. Now, I’m in no way qualified to be a doorman. I’m skinny as shit, weigh 136 pounds despite being 6’ 2”. But I was good friends with the guys who owned the bar, I needed a job and they needed a doorman.

I basically had to stand outside the bar from 9pm until 2am every day, drink pints of vodka Red Bull, chat shit with people and occasionally tell people to shut the fuck up as they are leaving. It was a piece of piss job and I got to meet tons of people.

Naturally I got to know a lot of the girls that would come to the bar. There was one group of four girls that I became particularly friendly with. They were all ski guides. There’s one in particular that I was interested in, we’ll call her Olivia. Now she was an 8/10 on the Scandinavian scale. Fuck knows what that is on the Rest Of World scale. There’s something about her, possibly the way she laughs at everything I say. Or the way she tilts her head like she’s really interested. Maybe it was because she had fake tits, I’m not sure. But anyway that was Olivia…

So I’m minding my own business one night on the door, rolling a cigarette and sipping on my 3rd pint of vodka red bull of the night. These four girls walk up to me and we go through the usual waltz, which goes like this – they ask if I’m coming out tonight after work. I tell them no. Obviously I am, like I was every night, but I want them to say please, which they do. I tell them I’ll think about it, which I already have done. They go inside then come back out after a couple of hours and head to another bar.

Our bar closes at 2 like it did every night, which is earlier than the other bars…so all the staff go out like we did every night. The main street splits into two roads, with bars lining both roads. We start to head up the left road, but I make a quick detour right to take a piss behind a hotel and tell everyone that I’ll meet them at the next bar.

I look up the road and notice a group of people. There’s maybe 3 guys and one girl. I’m certain that I recognise the girls jacket…Olivia with the fake tiddies. I decide that tonight I’d really like to have sex with Olivia.

I walk up the road towards them. I then realise that it’s not Olivia. Fuck. But it is one of her friends. For the sake of anonymity, we’ll call her Diana for reasons that will become apparent later on. She’s not as hot as Olivia but she’s still pretty fucking good looking, blonde hair/blue eyes.

I chat to the guys she’s with. They know me but I don’t know them. They quickly bore me so I talk to Diana instead. She’s telling me some extremely uninteresting shit about how she’s been dancing all night. The guys start to walk off, then turn around and pause when they realise Diana isn’t coming. She says goodnight to them. Hilarious, I bet all three of them thought they were going to shag her. One of them probably would have if I hadn’t been there…however, had I predicted the events of that night and the following few days…I would probably have let them.

So it’s just me and Diana.

Diana – Are you going back to your apartment?

Artemis – Yes. Are you going back to my apartment?

Diana – Yes.

…I’d like to give some big story about how I used my razor sharp wit and wicked sense of humour to seduce her…but sometimes it literally just falls into your lap.

We’re getting into a taxi when I have a thought – Paps is in the room. Fuck.

I’d recently been kicked out of my apartment for threatening to kick the shit out of my roommate after he dropped my laptop. So I was living with Paps, a guy I used to work with and one of my best friends. The issue was his room was only made for one person so our beds were only a foot apart. Me and Paps are close so this is fine, but this meant if someone was bringing a bird back, the other would have to evacuate. The issue is that Paps has a meeting in the morning so I didn’t want to wake him up at 3am by bringing a girl back.

Fine, I’ll shag her in the elevator as we’re going up, at least I can tick elevator sex off the list. We jump out of the taxi, get in the elevator and start getting off. I then remember that the elevator only goes up 3 floors. We could shag in a stationary elevator but it seems pointless and I don’t want to have to keep pressing the buttons. Plus it’s cold as fuck in here.

I take her up to the 3rd floor, to the communal laundry room. It’s warm and the door locks. I get us both naked. She’s got a good body. Short, but not too short. Round arse. I pin her up again the wall and we start kissing again. I turn her to bend her over a washing machine and she stops me…

Diana – “I want a bed”

Me – “I can’t take you back to mine, my roommate is sleeping”

Diana -“I don’t care, I want a bed”

Surely not. I look at the dryers and everyone’s clean linen hanging up but she predicts what I’m thinking…I could maybe build some kind of fort out of all these bedsheets, might be quite cool.

Diana – ‘I want a real bed. We can just be quiet in your room”

Fuck it, I’m losing my patience. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve found myself naked and frustrated.

Right…if she wants a bed, I’ll give her a bed…

I take her to the room. Paps isn’t moving and doesn’t stir when we come in.

Diana – “See, he is asleep. We can be quiet”

Ah you poor silly naive slut. He’s not asleep. He can’t be, he’s the lightest sleeper I’ve ever met. A chicken could fart 3 miles away and startle him awake.

We get into the bed, the bed that is approximately 12 inches away from Paps’s bed. I slip my hand between her legs. She’s really wet, which isn’t uncommon. Once again my love for licking vaginas overcomes me like a fever and I slip beneath the covers.

It’s hot under there…It’s pitch black. I reach around and find her legs. I have a leg in each hand. I’ve got my bearings. I know where to go from here. I slide forward until my shoulders are underneath the back of her legs. Before I dive in for the first lick, my final thought was…

‘Smells kind of musty under here’

Now in all my time of licking vaginas. I’ve only had two which tasted bad.

This time, as you have already guessed, was one of them.

I licked it and the taste immediately hit me. I was so bad that I made the face people make when they walk into a cobweb. It was kind of musty, and kind of fishy, and super salty. It has a taste that only the human body could make. There’s no real comparison so I suppose you’ll never really know it until you’ve given it a go. The closest comparison I could come up with is putting an eel in a microwave for a bit, then soaking it in salty milk and pennies. Then licking it.

I couldn’t believe my tastebuds…so I licked it again (I made a mental note that I need to learn to trust myself more). The second lick was the same as the first, of course. A third lick was out of the question.

What I had in front of me was a grim case of disco fanny…an unsavoury smell stemming from the vagina, triggered by excessive disco dancing. (That's why she's I've given her the pseudonym 'Diana'...Diana Ross...get it?...Good).

I’d like to point out that not all dancing causes disco fanny. I’ve been with plenty of girls who have danced all night, and when they’ve spread their legs at the end of the night it’s tasted like pine leaves and fresh snowfall in the Alps. However, according to the law of large numbers (and personal experience) if you lick enough vaginas, there will always be one bad one, that’s a fact.

Anyway, so here I am, a man faced with a conundrum.

Usually I would loudly announce to the girl that her vagina smells like what an octopus looks like. However, Diana is quite a nice person and I’m feeling gracious enough to not embarrass someone for once…I’m also very keen to have sex so I can jazz on her and fall asleep. So in my drunken haze, I quickly decide upon a plan of action…

For the next 5-10 minutes, I stay underneath the covers…with my head next to a fairly gross smelling cunt…vigorously fingering it.

If you want to put yourself in my shoes, get underneath your bedcovers, make your fingers into the shape of a pistol, hold your new ‘gun fingers’ up next to your head, then jab them back and forwards repeatedly until you're on the verge of heat exhaustion.

This was a far cry from how I planned to spend my night. I have to keep one hand over my mouth and nose because the gun fingers are kicking up a stink.

I can hear some muffled moans coming from above the covers…I’m glad someone’s enjoying this because Artemis certainly fucking isn’t.

I decide that enough time has passed that it is acceptable for me to come back up for air. I decide to go full penetration, if nothing else comes of this night then at the very least I’m going to get my rocks off…I almost feel guilty for putting my little man in there. Poor guy.

Finally I decide that I’ve had enough. I’m tired, drunk and acutely aware that I’ll have to wash my sheets tomorrow…a real wash as well, turn the temp up to 90 degrees celsius and boil the cunts. So after about 10 minutes of humping, I unenthusiastically fake an orgasm and roll over. I used to take acting classes when I was younger. I’d consistently make the lead male part in any production and was by far the best male actor in my group…

….I’d give my simulated orgasm a C -…must try harder

She rolls over to give me a cuddle and puts her leg over mine, her vagina touches my thigh…eugh.

There’s probably around 5 seconds of silence before someone speaks. It wasn’t me…It wasn’t Diana either.

“SO…who’s this slut you've brought back then?!”

Paps.

Diana screams.

Why the fuck is this girl screaming? She knew Paps was there, how could he possibly not be awake for that whole thing. Is this girl mentally retarded? Jesus, she’s the one who wanted to shag in a bed. She’s the one who has a fanny that smells like one of Mandy Dingle’s stomach folds. This is bullshit, I should be the one who’s screaming for fucks sake. I tell her to shut the fuck up and I roll over and immediately fall asleep, safe in the knowledge that in the morning I can forget about this car crash of an evening and move on with my life.

The entire night had been increasingly horse shit from start to finish. One dreary disappointment after another. Unfortunately this was only the beginning of my misery...

Rest of the story coming soon.

TL;DR - Took a girl back to my flat. Went muff diving. Instant regret.