I came to this understanding a few years ago; I was on bus drunk, alone, on the way home back from a bar. I’d struck out all night, being too scared to approach women, or, with the ones I did talk to, too nervous and beta. I was angry at myself and pissed at my cowardice, and I must have given off some kind of dark, brooding charm, as two similarly drunk girls on the bus kept glancing over at me.
One of them was very pretty, and she was sitting there demurely while her friend babbled loudly at her.
She would quickly turn around and sneak a glance at me occasionally, catching my eyes and looking away. This kept happening. Thinking back, she was begging me to come over.
I couldn’t do it. I wanted to, but the resistance was too great. I was too scared, too down on myself, too anxious; all sorts of excuses.
Eventually we were at my stop and I went to get off. So did she. Evidently this was her stop too. Here was another chance “oh you’re getting off here too”. Easy opener. You don’t really need anything too smart or witty, just something that connects you to her. I could have done it. I didn’t. We both get off and she walked ahead of me and I walked behind her like a stalker and eventually she turned off down another road and I went home.
I laid in bed furious. How could I have fucked up such an easy opportunity? She was so pretty, so receptive, gave me easy signs. It would have been magical, romantic, two drunk people meeting on a bus on the way home. Maybe she was just as horny and drunk and I could have gone for the same night lay. She lives so close by, what a convenient plate she would have made.
Round and round in my head this repeated, for a good week afterwards. I was kicking myself for being such a loser, such a wimp. In fact, it affected me much more considerably than it should have. I know I should have got over it, but I was just so angry and defeated, my cowardice winning once again. A damn loser who’s too scared to even talk to a girl who is interested in him. What did I have to lose? What would have happened if she rejected me?
Then I realised. Nothing. I would have been totally fine. I would have laughed it off in fact. It would have been just another rejection to add to my ever-growing list… book… tome of rejections. I would have slept fine that night, I wouldn’t have sat in class kicking myself and dreaming about her… what if? What if? What if I’d just been brave? What if she’d smiled and I took her home. What kind of girl was she, what was she into, how did she fuck, what would our kids look like? I’ll never know. Now, she’ll always be a “What if?”…
What if?
And this “What if?” is so much worse, so much more damning than a simple “No”. “No” is hard and absolute, it closes the chapter, ends the story, allows you to go off and attempt a new one. “No” gives closure.
But “What if?” hangs in the air around you for days, weeks, sometimes years. Poking at your self-hate, teasing you with fantasies, trapping you in the past. That girl in the red-dress at the party who was flirting with me, what if I’d just escalated more… what would the story have been? Now I’ll never know, I can only guess. The pretty cashier who was chatting at me… what if I just went a step further and asked for her number… well she might have said “I have a boyfriend”… then at least I’d know it wasn’t possible… I’d shut her away, erase her face. But now, she’ll always hang there as a “What if?”
This is so much worse, I realised, than just a simple rejection. Rejections can be hard and painful, but the regret, the self-hate, the dark cloud of doubt is much, much worse. I’ll take a damn rejection any day over that.
“No more what-ifs” I told myself. Just go for it. Get the answer straight out. You have nothing to lose.
There was a pretty “alt” girl who lived close by me who I’d always been meaning to talk to, but been too intimidated by. She dressed each day like she’s in a gothic-lolita fashion-show. I’d been “What if”-ing about her for a while, so this time I just went and spoke to her. She was very happy to be approached and I gave her my number, and she actually texted me. Awesome. That was so easy! But then she kept replying to my “let’s meet up” texts with “oh I’m actually busy that day” or “sorry I’m really hungover can’t make it”. I got the hint, I can decode girl talk now, she’d lost interest. But hey, fuck it, who cares. I didn’t have her before, and I don’t have her now. Nothing’s changed, except I killed the “What-if”, I can be free of her. Net positive for me.
_
Two girls on the train… always hard opening two girls at once, they reinforce each other and are more open in their bitchiness, but I was in a confident mood and said hey fuckit lets go. They laughed at me; laughed in my face and told me to go away. Horrible witch-cackles. Malicious. That one was harsh; girls can be cruel as hell. But I got over it pretty quickly. Now I had no reason to be angry at myself, I wasn’t a coward, I actually did it. Sure I got shot down, but that’s nothing on me, I actually had balls to approach.
_
Girl I was pining after during lectures; pretty deep one-itis, real dreamgirl. I’d had dreamgirls like this before and have always been too afraid to talk to them, they were always “What-if”s that hung around for years, making me sad that I’d never approached even one. Just fantasies to admire from afar. Fuck-it, no more "What-ifs". I’ll just go speak to her, I’ll at least try. Well it didn’t go well, went pretty horribly in fact. She was a huge bitch, very promiscuous, and borderline, almost certain. Had that Cersei Lannister Regina George kinda vibe.
But the "What-if" died. I had more information about her, she was a horrible bitch, someone I couldn’t get along with. It was instantly easy to get over her after that. So what if we got together? She would have eaten me up and chewed me out. She would have used her borderline sorceress powers to wreck me emotionally and then throw me away. And the sex would have been lazy too. Question answered, "What-if" killed, time to move on.
Freedom
It was so easy, so freeing. The "What-if" became a much bigger evil than the rejection, I began to fear the "What-if" much more than a bitchy put down. Now whenever I start getting approach anxiety, hamstering myself into pussying out, the voice in the back of my head will say “you will regret this and beat yourself up over it later, a rejection is nothing compared to that”.
And suddenly approaching becomes the easiest thing ever. It stopped being so terrifying.
The pretty young blonde girl on the train. I went and spoke to her. No more "What-ifs". She gave me a big smile. We got off the train together, I walked her home, kissed her goodnight. The next day we hung out, fucked a week later; grew very close, developed a good rapport, in-jokes, intimacy, affection. When we hung out she’d give me happy little sighs like she was in a dreamworld and I was her fantasy prince. It was beautiful. She enriched my life, gave me memories I will cherish, snap-shots of her smile and laugh, her bright malevolent eyes when she was shit-testing me, the way she got frustrated and fidgety when turned-on.
And What-if? What if I’d just been a pussy, like all the times before, and hadn’t spoke to her. A whole chapter of my life would have vanished into thin air. A whole beautiful girl, unknown and forgotten; a mirage, a dream that didn’t live out. She was everything I fantasised about, and I manifested her into my reality; all because I killed that rejection anxiety and just spoke to her. All the bitchy-putdowns and cruel witch cackles in the world were worth it for just one day I got to spend with that girl.
And then my heart sunk, for all the times I had been a coward and hadn’t approached a girl, or escalated. How many of these girls would have turned out like the train-girl? How many potentially beautiful stories in the making had I killed by being a scared loser? The answer was more than 0, definitely. There were relationships there, entire stories, hanging in the air, ready for me to grab, which I threw away, destroyed, through my anxiety. Through a fear of something that couldn’t even hurt me. Fuck, so stupid. So depressing. So cowardly.
No more. No more what-ifs. No more cowardice. No longer will I kill the story before it even starts. I’ll go and speak to her, and open the book. And it may only turn out one page, or one sentence long. But I'll still get something out of it, I'll still learn something, and it’s better than not opening the book at all.
And for every failed story and closed-book, there will be some that remain open, some that are beautiful and keep you hooked, some that nourish and thrill you, some that you cherish and celebrate and follow through a lifetime.
No. No more what-ifs.
I really needed to read this right now, thanks OP. It seems strange to me how some times I can approach fearlessly, but other times, like today in a cafe, I had such a hard time doing it. I went to a new cafe a week ago and got some really strong IoI's from a barista there, she really went out of her way to talk to me multiple times and looked at me. I came in today, walked up to her to chat and intended to get her number but I felt very nervous for some reason and the conversation felt dumb and I could tell my frame was weak. She seemed obviously not interested and it hit me in the self-worth.
I genuinely don't understand why I have such a different frame or mentality from one situation to another.
Because you're a human male brother. I have had experiences that you wouldn't even believe when I was "on" and been soooo pathetic I had a waitress sit down next to me during her shift and start asking me about myself and I never made a move. It's like one day you get out of bed and are running around the second your feet hit the floor and the next day you're paralyzed and there's not way to explain what's different from one day to the next. Sorry, wish I had more to offer besides empathy.
I think sometimes you can just tell its not the right time, place, situation, environment, and vibe. im not saying certain places are off limits from asking women out, but im saying sometimes even the exact same place but on a different day is totally different and can effect you for better or worse.
in the story you just laid out, i think its best if you didnt approach in that case. i dont think you should regret that at all. it sounds like you made a reasonable decision not to based off multiple factors and you just weren't feeling it.
Careful of not hiding any inactivity behind the excuse of "that's just not the day"
its not about excuses, being lazy, or low confidence. its about knowing personally for yourself when its optimal and when not for each situation.
It's always the right moment to approach.
There are no bad moments, it's your subconscious tricking you actually.
Yes, if a relative of yours died that day, okay that's understandable, approaching women would most likely be the last thought in your mind.
What is bad is thinking the moment isn't right because "she's looking at her phone", "she's with her girl friends", "she's eating" whatever the fuck she is doing that your subconscious reads as "wrong moment".
It's like saying "nah I'm not lifting today because I studied so much". The so-called excuses.
thats not what im saying. im all for approaching anywhere, anyone, anytime, any situation. what im saying is you dont have to run around like a chicken with its head cut off because every PUA online is telling you too. its not about excuses or low confidence. its about knowing personally for yourself when its optimal.
For me I just eliminate people who are paid to be nice to me from the list of approachable people in everyday life.
I can totally relate and from a biological view I believe it’s related to hormones. Sometimes you have very low stress levels and high testosterone during some time of the day so you tend to be careless and fearless about any consequence. It becomes easy to approach when you are mentally checked out
Because you are programed to think that your selfvalue is related with if she likes you or not. Thats why you feel relaxed near a 5 and nervous near a 9, for your brain a 9 is a test of your worth as a man. So instead of just check the value your brain prefers to not even try. For your lazy brain, regret is better than rejection. But the fact is that if she likes you or not have not to do with your value, because this mecanism is very primitive, she is much more likely to feel attracted to a loser jerk than by a man of real value.
Thats why we say work on yourself, first seduce yourself, so the fact if a girl likes you or not have not to do with your selfsteem. And so you just play the numbers game.
Stress.
Stress weakens our physical state, which naturally weakens the frame. Your mind might be sharp but your body language is trash. Stress also dulls the mind, have a situation itching at your brain? You won't be as sharp.
What had you so distracted that you missed the IoI's on day one?
Also, we just need some days to handle our own shit, be left alone. Her bad timing and missing your cues isn't your fault.
Here is an approaching experience that I experienced recently.
I was waiting for the bus at the station when 2 girls were helping their blind friend to find the station. One of the had her bag opened, so I said, "Hey, excuse me, your bag is open".
She said, "Oh God, I didn't notice that. Thank you".
"Yeah you're welcome," I responded. "Nice pants, thought." It looked like a DIY ripped jeans.
She smiled and said, "Oh thank you! I like your shirt too" with a wide smile.
Before I reply, her friend pulls her and they rush towards the other station at the corner of the block because their bud had just arrived.
Another story where I chickened out and been what-iffing since. It's the opening week in the university and everything's hectic af. I didn't know where to go so I picked the cutest girl to ask.
She became lively and guided me through the mess. She was laughing and smiling the couple of minutes and found my silly comments on the unprofessional conduct of the university funny. After we finished with that, she waited me to make a move for a few seconds and anxiety kicks in. I googbyed her and thanked her for help. Fuck. Me.
The former was more than likely her friend being jealous she was having a good time with a guy. I know I'm psychoanalyzing to the extreme however personal experience does back me up on this
Cockblocked by one of her bitches. Damn.
The world was never a tea party
I wouldn't call it "more than likely." Being friendly isn't necessarily the same as showing interest and their exchange was probably less than 10 seconds long, which I wouldn't call a good time. What person would get jealous over an exchange as innocuous as that?
Women. By far the most jealous creatures. The hotter, the more jealous of when others get attention.
A selection from the Book of Pook on this same topic:
I have noticed this when it comes to many things in life, not just women, but it's really obvious with women. So many times I had a woman who was definitely shooting me "IOIs", but didn't go for it sometimes because of this whole 'no way she's into me'. I regret those moments I didn't go for it, over the many rejections I have had with women.
I keep looking back at those moments and just think about how different my life could have been if I went for it, whether with women, the job I wanted, whatever it is.
I don't even remember 95% of the rejections... but I remember all the regrets.
I still remember the rejections. But it always feels good afterwards, not right in the moment. But the regrets... oh my god, the pain for the next hours "what if".
If you remember all the rejections you had in your life, you are either too young or haven't gone after enough women.
Second one. Too small town.
So much this. I had one girl who was really touchy-feely and wanted to "study and hang out in my apartment. My roomate won't be back in a few hours." You know what my dumbass said?! "Nah, I'm tired, maybe later." This chick was a fucking 8.5 with the softest looking ass I've ever seen. I still kick myself for that shit. Looking back I realized that I didn't feel confident at all. "What would a beautiful girl like her want with me?" You live and learn though.
Sometimes it's better to bail early than later. If you actually were tired (a weak frame), imagine failing harder once inside her place.
I always was too afraid to talk to girls at the gym. I thought they wouldn't wanna be hit on there since there are so many thirsty, creepy man watching them work out. My gym even has a special "Ladies room" so they could be alone.
Caught a girl looking at me a few times and when I looked back, she quickly looked at the ground. I heard that was a good sign since it means they feel submissive to you so I walked over and told her I thought she was cute and if she'd like to get to know each other over a coffee.
She told me she has a boyfriend. Maybe I'm just not good enough to trump her bf, maybe my game was not good enough, but my point is: That whole conversation was over in like 15 seconds and it doesn't matter in my life at all. Might still be wondering if I let a chance slip otherwise.
If I was you, I'd program myself to not approach at the gym. It's the place you workout, afterall. It's just not worth it to jeopardize that potentially imo. Don't shit where you eat on a smaller scale. I personally wouldn't want to see the same girl who said "no" everytime I go to the gym, been there.
I see what you're saying and I'm not planning to hit on every girl I'd fuck - I don't wanna have staff kicking me out because one weird chick felt harassed or some bullshit. But if I'm getting some IOIs and I think they're fine, I'll try my luck. It's not that often anyway.
Yeah, all I'm saying is be careful. I personally am really cautious about this, even if I feel IoI's. They'd have to be really blatant for me to even consider them.
Fuck that shit, drop your unnecessary caution! You only live once, and it's not against any law to ask a stranger to get to know each other over coffee. He didn't ask her to have sex and he's not asking out girls every gym sesh. Live a little.
Good thing you went for it IMO. The details really makes the difference in a situation like this. If the woman makes eye contact, breaks it looking down, and then meets eyes once more and smiles, you're in. If she just breaks it and looks down without meeting your eyes again, the eye contact was probably just accidental. Nothing lost from talking to her though :)
Can’t hit a home run if you don’t swing the bat.
Generic? Absolutely. Truth? Indeed.
A women is at her peak the moment before you meet her. We fantasize and attach all these desirable ideals to her in the hope she fills our every need.
The reality never quite lives up, she almost always falls short of the built up fantasy.
The result of many approaches: over time you calibrate your fantasy to match reality. That every women is just a women, with many flaws and shortcomings that you’ll eventually grow to despise.
Approach is that closure, the murder of fantasy, which is a pursuit every man needs to undertake, the fantasy is an illusion, the glorious princess is a figment of our imagination.
The approach grounds us in what is, not what could be or should be, but simply what is.
When you’ve done enough of this you stop approaching to fill that fantastical void you built up and simply approach to see what is, and whether that serves your interest.
Most wont, but some do, and those are worth exploring, but at least you’re judging it for what it is and not what you want it to be.
Great comment. I think this is often a big source of approach anxiety. If a man fantasizes about a woman as some "perfect being", he becomes too intimidated to make a move.
Great job. Can't recl this enough. wow. Wisdom.
the way i was taught...
if you're willing to join the military to die for this country... if you're willing to fight some guy in a bar... if you're willing to bungee jump... wrestle alligators... hunt wild boar... go scuba diving or surfing in shark infested areas:
if you're willing to do those things (while having fun), then why in the fuck are you afraid to walk over there... yeah, right there... and approach that cute little girl with the nice smile and perky rack?
she's human... breathes oxygen... is affected by gravity and is likely as nervous or more nervous than you. and best, she might looking for a date herself.
the 99 "no's" don't matter... only the 1 "yes."
My only comeback is the fear of humiliation. No one wants to be humiliated and getting rejected in public can be humiliating.
No one likes being called a creep in front of a large crowd.
Now with that said what helped me get over this fear is being abundant.
That's honestly one of the biggest values I personally took away from this sub in general.
If you do fuck up in front of a large crowd, holding frame and confidence can go a huge huge way. And this can be applied to virtually anything in life.
But I wanted to point out that alot of guys don't fear being told "no" when the get rejected. The fear is looking like a loser in front of everyone and that can absolutely damage one's ego and self esteem. Humiliation can do alot of damage.
So I see where the fear comes from.
Also most of the things you listed, most people sure as well won't do those activities. Like what crazy fuck is going to want to wrestle with an alligator? Who the hell wants to go swimming in shark infested waters? Lol
Bungee jumping? Anyone can do that because it's a very safe activity. There's a very small risk that you can get hurt. So the things you listed are pretty unrelated to this post or any situation of cold approaching a chick in public.
any woman that gets loud and tries to humiliate a man that respectfully approaches her is low class.
any woman that calls a man a "creep" because he initiated verbal communication or showed interest in her respectfully is delusional.
how the fuck did she think grandfather met grandmother... on antique tinder?
I agree with all of that. But let's not sit here and act like it doesn't happen. Being called a creep was an example. Another example is how women screenshot texts messages and pass it around.
Or you ask a girl out in your social circle and she bashes you (behind your back) to others.
I'm just saying when guys ask women out they run the risk of their image or reputation being damaged thus leading to humiliation. There's a reason why women hardly ever do it because they don't want that risk.
Yea I agree that the women that does this shit are terrible, but it happens all the time so I can understand why a guy would be hesitant to ask a chick out on a train or something.
A woman might reject a strong man, she won't "shame" him though at the cost of her own reputation.
People will do shit behind your back regardless. You can't concern yourself with that. If a man enters her frame of shaming you, that man is weak and pathetic. Put that guy on his ass or let him know not to fuck with you.
As far as the girls? Who gives a shit, they will change their minds 10 minutes later.
I understand your attempt at empathy, but it is seriously bloopy. Way too much outcome dependence.
Humiliation is a choice, like being offended.
Own your shit, you can't be humiliated. How can you be humiliated in front of a group of dudes that didn't have the balls to do what you just did in the first place?
Really resonate with your statement. Although I dont think I would ever want to wrestle an alligator, I have done my fair share of "high risk" activities, and whilst facing those fears may seem more daunting,talking to girls has its difficulties as well. There are two distinct type of fears, social and primal.I guess for some , social fears are easier than primal ( public speaking vs wrestling a gator). I need to figure out how to exactly capitalize on both
outcome Independence. don't worry about it with women... but do worry about it doing high risk, might get killed, high risk activities.
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
-Wayne Gretzky
“‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.’ - Wayne Gretzky” - Michael Scott
Holy shit. This post is so relatable. Thanks for sharing bro
This post resonates with me too. about three months ago I "blew up" my social media and any and all female acquaintances I've ever wondered or thought about. In a hangover moment I texted or called all of them, and asked a few in person if they'd be interested in going on a date. Rejection all around.
But life's been infinitely better since then. I'm no longer thinking about what if or "hey I should really try and get in touch with her again", "shame I broke it off, so what if she was depressive", "she would've been a great companion in my lonely life".. I know where it stands with them all, and I know my field to plow is ahead, not behind.
Dude, fucking thank you for writing this. I literally look up after reading this and a chick is giving me the stare. No more regrets, no more fucking what ifs.
I love this post is producing live results.
How did It go
Great post, after discovering the sub my approaches have skyrocketed. Only talked to girls who came up to me and was oblivious to their interest. I was never afraid to approach. I just didn’t do it, which I’m very upset about, since I missed a few years worth of opportunies. Good thing I still have alot of them ahead of me.
All my closes are k-closes or number closes so far. Just haven’t been able to get the f-close yet.
Last week I was making out with a girl for 20 minutes near my apartment, walking back from a bar. After that she said she was really into me but couldn’t go through with it since she’s in a relationship. Damn, I really had no idea what to say, probably tried everything in the book without coming off as needy. (She keeps snapping me some petty shit all the time, I’ll try asking her out one more time when my fever passes).
Another one is when I was at the bar with my friends, I saw this girl dancing, give her my best sexy stare and she looks at me back. I don’t want to approach since she’s dancing with a guy. Five minutes later and she comes and asks me to dance with her.
”I will if you act nice.” I say (sounds smoother in my language lol).
”Oh is that so?” She smiles.
After dancing for one song where she’s guiding my hands to hold her ass we go to a more secluded part of the bar. She’s practically laying on me and caressing my chest, we’re making out for a while when her friend comes and apparently they have to leave. I ask her if she’s sure she wants to go. Trying to imply we could go back to my place without straight up saying it. She insists she has to leave and wants my number before she goes.
I hit her up two days later asking to get some pizza and drink wine. She says it would be nice but she can’t come. I tell her to hit me up when she has time, so we can figure something out. (It’s been 3 days, another lost cause?)
There are almost a dozen more stories like this from the past summer. Still, I’m glad I atleast get myself out there nowadays, it would be much worse just playing at home and doing nothing.
Nice, but I'd say you need more escalation.
I notice that i can talk, build attraction, lead and, but physically escalating does not come easy to me. Do you have any tips or pointer on how to properly esclate inna non lsolated situation and in isolation?
You need to built strong tention (not comfort) and be a bit aggressive and go in for the kiss. Golden rule is to always stay cool if she rejects your actions, and try again after few minutes. You have to test how far you can go.
DiCarlo Escalation Ladder.
You need calibration for non isolated situations I'd say, and in isolation.. Go as far as you can.
Can relate, I've been rejected, ghosted and ignored dozens of times (and still, gotta say). The first ones hurt, not gonna lie, and those from girls you really find very attractive or really like, but eventually you develop the "Not Giving a Fuck" feeling and then it's just a matter of practice and calibrating.
The more you approach and the more you get rejected will increase your DGAF sentiment. In fact I've a "friend" (he's a fucking asshole but I'm used to hang with him), that laughs at me (in a devil way trying to hurt, not a funny/bro/friendship way, this includes recording videos while laughing and saying "look! he looks so ridiculous!" because he never gets rejected, at least thats what he said) and this put even more pressure on the approach but honestly i give 0 shits considering this guy is an idiot even though he gets laid very very often (but he's a liar, proved)
he's negative energy, man. kick that asshole out ur life.
Well I have stories about this guy to fill an entire thread, and trust me I'm hardly trying to kick this guy from my life for years, but I'm not able to find more people to hang out with (at 30 people usually have LTRs or they just don't want to party at all). The group is consisted of positive guys, (specially one of them who's full of positive energy and he's a wonderful friend) except for this uneducated motherfucker. When you drink he's constantly showing girl pics to gain our approval because he loves to see faces and reactions from people who get less pussy than him. He's 24/7 gossiping about other friends looks, lack of pussy or jobs.
Sadly to say I "need" this guy, because I don't even consider him my friend despite knowing him for almost 10 years, beause the majority of my friends get onto a LTR as soon as they can with the first woman that asks them for, and then they dissapear...
Nothing you said convinced me that you need that guy in your life.
Bullshit that most men in their 30s are in ltrs. Unless you live in a small town you have no excuse to find new friends to hang out with.
Getting involved in a hobby or rec league sport would help.
Also a grown man bragging wnou) about women he's banging is just sad. No one gives a fuck after the age of 25. Let alone 30.
Sounds like you have your own issues to take care of.
It's true, I have my own issues to take care of. After trying to hang out with various groups this is the one that I really like it except for this stupid guy. The problem about leaving is that the other 2 guys which are fantastic people don't really want to leave him 'alone'. Trust me and this is a fact, if I try to think about people that I know with my age or more 90% of them are in a LTR or refuse to party because they don't like it. Or if they party they like to be in a closed group drinking and not interacting with any human being for the rest of the night.
I neither give a fuck about how many women he's banging, in fact I never talk about my dates/plates/bangs with this guy. It's deeply sad because he thinks that I get no laid at all and smiles when showing me pics from girls he's "banging".
well finally i kicked him from my life, much happy without his negative gossiping and shitty "look at me i'm banging these hot girls" conversations
Damn, I came here looking for Pook. Good post anyways.
This is hard since soooo many women are just fucking with you for validation and have no intention but to get it and reject the fuck out of you as a form of dominance over some poor fuck who thought he had a chance. Then there are the times it's not that and you score. I really don't fault guys for not wanting to risk getting psychologically slapped in the face, but the problem is that confident men don't care about that shit. A girl is playing head games and just wants to be affirmed by rejecting a guy, the guy just says "okay then" and moves on, but if you don't have that I can't fault you. Getting rejected when you're not confident in yourself enough not to be affected is a rough time.
100% fact. it saves you so much time and energy too. and zero regret!!!
I think this is fantastic advice.
Your opening paragraphs have been me so many times, but when you realise that inaction leads to an even worse situation than the rejection we fear (but don’t always get) it makes it a lot easier to overcome.
Congratulations on the path you’ve gone down with this one.
I've never aproched a girl my whole life so even aproching is something . And no,you are not a coward I am a real coward,scared of everything,low confidence(zero confidence) that is ruining my life and my job and because of many little and big reasons ,it's hindering life expirience being 'sick' in a 'healthy' body. But hey there is always a good side and a good side is that we are aware of our mistakes wich make us one step foward to the people who are like that and who think that being a 'coward' is o.k and because of that we are here and we are aware of our mistakes and we seek help in TRP community and in other things.
You know what you should do? Go to a rooftop of a skyscraper if you’re in a city or on top of a hill if you’re on a countryside or anywhere like that.
And screeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmm
Feel alive man
It’s all about you, you need to get the energy that’s inside you. Wear your best outfit or a suit and do your everyday stuff. Go to a sports bar or stadium for a sports event (football, baseball etc.), cheer for your local team, fight your childhood bully, run a few miles while listening death metal, dance in public. Do everything you want but feel alive!
I think im going to try it,thank you!
Godspeed mate! Do it. ASAP. The best way to combat your fears is to kill them. Everytime I‘m in doubt I remember these first few seconds
Maybe you didn't find a woman that you like. I though I was a coward because I never approached any girl. But when I find one that I really like, people have to stop me.
I likeed many of them but have no courage to do anything,sometimes when im drunk i can do something but most of the time im scared or have low confidence
If you really like a woman, nothing can stop you believe me.
Had a few bad expirences and than i backed down from it and currently im in some big mess in my job and adapting the new life in foreign country and other stuff plus i dont know the language so it is a lot harder but soon as i get on my tracks i will try too find some women
There are no "good experiences" every relationship ends. Girl cheats, you cheat, or you can't stand her, etc.
I don't want to call them mistakes, but rather lessons that we learn. Also, it's good to acknowledge them but changing the behavior and improving is when you really see the magic happen. It's never too late to turn things around for the better.
yeah its great he knows what the issue is and acknowledges it. change is hard, but you gotta try. maybe talk to fat girls to loosen you up lol.
When I'm running club game I find that a few beers or whatever liquor gets rid of my approach anxiety pretty easy, but that's not rly the point. What happens after I approach (and mind you I'm a noob here) is that either I have a nice talk with a pretty girl and maybe we have some fun dancing and playing drinking games, or talking, or whatever. It's always better than just sitting there looking retarded. I've also been doing it without alcohol for all of you spergs so you have no excuses. I'm telling you, trust me, even if you get a beer in your face the night is more fun approaching and talking shit than not doing it.
I think you're pedestalizing a little bit here but overall good message.
Rejection works because it appeals to the ego. If a girl rejects me, it proposes a scenario of "Really? Not me? Then let's see who you DO want?" which always ends up being very intriguing. At that point, a personal disgust sets in and I'm no longer attracted. Like I'll push the girl to reveal the ugliest side of her personality (not difficult) and be able to justify my disinterest moving forward.
Usually, I'll capitalize on every IOI but 90% of the time they're from unattractive women.
Stop caring about what people think.
Grab your nuts and go.
Act like a man.
Your game will go bananas.
Even if you approach, you need a superior/winner's mindset. Approaching with a defeated mindset is guaranteed self sabotage. However, you will still get rejected more often than you will have any success.
Are you really going to let some random stranger's rejection affect you? They have their own reasons and they literally know nothing about you.
Wonderful post
The internet ruined long term relationships.
But if you actually go up to girls and talk to her now? You have nuts and an inherent advantage.
Fuckin epic writing skills to really bring home a key concept of TRP. Well done.
You know what OP, you are right. I didn’t think your post would be the answer but, it is. For the past couple of weeks I’ve been pretty down on myself, blue pill style. However, after reading your post I know what to do. Continue to infinitely improve myself why also living with zero regrets. Life isn’t fun if you play it safe. Thanks OP, for opening my eyes and helping me finally grow some balls.
The girl in the red dress in paradise. My type to a T. She mistook me for someone else as an introduction. A few IOIs over 3 consecutive nights. The "why arent you talking to me" glance before I went to the moonlit beach with the safe bet.
And my utter lack of confidence to open that chapter, as brief as it might've been.
I'm going back to that fucking island and she damn well better be there.
That's awesome, I enjoyed reading it. I hope sooner or later I'll be able to think like you.
Can't tell if you're making women your priority or improving your social skills. Either way, good fucking job anon.
Fantastic writing! This is one of the best posts I’ve read on this sub. Ever. Great job.
Bro you crushed this one. Great job. Real beautiful narrative turn in there to make it a cohesive whole.
Your thought process is the male version of hamstering.
Glad you recognized it for what it was and removed the wheel.
Very relatable OP, thanks for being candid man. This kind of stuff is good to remind us that we should at all costs make the most of every opportunity in life. We are leaving all sorts of gains out there because we are afraid of doing XYZ.
Better? It's a prime source of motivation...a blessing in disguise.
Stopped reading there, this only applies if you have some kind of anxiety disorder.
Another great post. I’ve had 2 regrets this year that burn my ass. First one I jumped out of bed and went straight to the store and forgot to brush my teeth first. Of course a beautiful woman, so my type, seemingly following me through the store. I could have easily made a joke about wanting to approach her but forgetting to brush my teeth, from a slight distance. I’m very witty and could have made it work. I didn’t. Second was a smaller black girl, very nice body and pretty, had to be 20 years my senior ( I’m 40). I got weak and bought a pack of cigarettes. Got to my car, realized I didn’t have a lighter. I noticed her and her boyfriend when I came into the gas station and paid no mind. She came out, I’m sitting in my car, her man is in their car, she comments on my nice car, I grumpily mutter thanks and ask is she has a lighter. She almost runs to her car, I’m fight texting with a LTR. She gets a lighter from her man and runs back to me and I light my cig, she then proceeded to mention that her gay friend in the car was fighting with his boyfriend on the phone. The guy I assumed was her boyfriend. I barley paid attention, handed back the lighter, thanked her and drove to the street entrance. As I hit the street, what she said hit me. She was throwing herself at me and I was just out of it. To late to turn around, but I could have. Barely noticed how fucking hot she was till I was a block away. So so mad at myself for just not paying attention and assuming. I don’t know which of the 2 was worse. White girl was so fucking sexy. So my type. God I hate myself sometimes.
Awesome post, letting go of the fear of rejection can't be over emphasized. However, it must also be paired with physical self improvement and solid closing skills, otherwise you are just an overconfident fat fuck with a 99.999% rejection rate.
Maybe it's because I haven't gotten one in a really long time, going on years now, but I miss the harsh rejections. Now I don't do simple pick up BS like asking to smell a woman's fart or anything stupid to provoke them. But I do miss straight up knowing there was no chance. Once you learn to laugh at yourself and the situation that caused it, harsh rejections are a blessing they save you a TON of time and effort with women who aren't into you.
I'll never go back to what-ifs, its a torturous internal hell that I spent my high school and most of college in. But that fear did teach me to act ruthlessly.
I don't know if op you are going to see this, but i honestly need to thank you because i am the guy in the beginning of the story, i just realised i should always give it a try, what can i loose? Thank you very much... :)
I feel you, I’ve been in the same situation before.
It’s the lost opportunities of the past that will spark action in the future. That’s what changed it for me.
Now I don’t take that many opportunities, but not because of being scared like I was in the past. Now it’s because it’s usually just a waste of time either way.
My issue is the rerunning old tapes that come up out of nowhere and distract me. I’ll be having a good time and I see that tape play of me calling my girlfriend when her NEW boyfriend is in the background telling her to hang up. If I ever reach for a girl to talk to me sometimes I hear myself saying just give up. She’s cheating on you, before I even open...
Glad youre back Heath. This really hits home for me, there has been so many circumstances when approach anxiety crippled me, not only in dating, but in day to day situations. The regret severely out weighs the rejection, and in some cases i would even compare it to oneitis.
I had a big night out with my coworkers week ago as one of the senior guys was retiring. We would hit a bar / pub grab a drink or two and move on towards the final destination of a strip club.
Most of the young single guys did not approach any girls, I did talk to few admittedly I half assed it because I lined up a meeting with a plate after.
My boss however who's married with 3 kids approached more girls than the rest of the group together, and I got to admit he's a fucking natural. Watching him was like reading one of the field reports on how to approach. It was smoother than a 18 years old ass.
At some point seeing my half assed attempts and lack of attempts from others he walks up to us and says
Today I overheard two coworkers talk about him approaching girls half his age while they stood there nursing their pints, not that I have any right to point fingers since I took the path of the least resistance. They didn't understand how he can just walk up to them and get the conversation going.
The point is, this night out made me realise that if this old, married guy who wore a fucking hoodie and slim fit jeans on a night out where most wore shirts can do so well with girls younger than I am I really need to step up my game.
On the other hand, if a women obviously don't want to have anything with you (blocks you, ghost you, flakes, etc.) insisting ends almost always in 100% rejection.
Oh wow. This is a good post. Abundance mentality, cold approach, and frame all bundled into one great story.. thank you OP!!
I had just fallen out with this oneitis-material girl that I cold approached, and got depressed like a bitch about it.
Reading this made me realize though - I could've chickened out so easily and that'd fuck me up even more.
Thank you.
This was just absolutely perfect! I literally took out my phone and wrote it down so I can read it when I'm feeling bad about getting rejected. Stay strong brothers, it's a numbers game and you have to keep pushing for results.
Thank you OP. Shit like this happens often, can't explain why. Sometimes that fear is too strong, but the regret is so much stronger and lasts so much more. Just go for it.
What I wanna know is even though I agree that rejection is better than regret, do you think it's healthy to have regrets in general?
Cause you need to regret first in order to achieve the next state right?
Fantastic post. Probably one of the best ones I’ve seen on here.
You have to be willing to be a fool to become a master.
So I see you’ve read Book of Pook....
I usually just get over a rejection. It might hurt in the moment, but I forget it quickly. However, when I don't approach a girl, who obviously was interested, I could beat myself up over it for months if she was fuckable.
I read this before I went out last night, and was actually successful. I can confirm, it feels better.
Wow this is close to sidebar material
"She enriched my life, gave me memories I will cherish, snap-shots of her smile and laugh, her bright malevolent eyes when she was shit-testing me, the way she got frustrated and fidgety when turned-on." This made me feel happy and sad at the same time. I really liked this post in general - flows well and a powerful message. Thanks OP.
"That waitress could be your wife" - K Brad, on that waitress I asked him about in the twitch chat
Learn from your mistakes, and be a better man for next time.
Recent things I've learned:
I'm sure others have similar missed opportunities. They're not failures, they're learning experiences.
Oh man another fate shared.
I know this situation very well and I’m kinda a veteran in this unfortunately. But even when I’m in the game; talking with a girl, she shows some signs (you know how it works) I can’t close the deal, I miss to just ask her out, get my intention straight to them.
But here’s how I changed my plan of action whenever I’m in doubt or I feel like the situation is about to close: I imagine I’m going to die in a few weeks.
I don’t know from where I have this idea but I think I’ve watched movie about someone being tricked into believing he’ll die soon and from that point he let all his fears, anxieties & doubts go. And tbh that’s exactly how you have to treat this dilemma, think about dying soon (Neil deGrasse Tyson tells you you’re dying every time you are alive). Internalize this idea, this thinking whenever you hit the clubs or a bar and feel like hitting up on girls. It loosens your anxiety smooths your mood and gets you in the right setting to finally feel alive.
self sabotage? Or the obsticle is the way...
interesting FR