If you're a history buff, you probably guessed from the title that I am referring to none other than the Epic of Gilgamesh. The earliest surviving record of this epic tale is found on Sumerian tablets dating back to 1800 BC, with the "Standard" version dating back to 1000-1300 BC. I'm only going to highlight a brief section of it, but I definitely recommend reading the whole thing for yourself. It is truly a timeless story about healthy masculinity, companionship and camaraderie, life/death/immortality, slaying monsters, and (of course) hookers.

Anyway, let's set the stage: Gilgamesh is the demigod king of Uruk, and generally the greatest embodiment of masculinity ever known. Enkidu is his best friend, and a wild-beast of a man himself. Together, they defeated the fearsome monster Humbaba in a faraway forest, and have returned to Uruk to revel in the glory of their deed.

Gilgamesh washed out his long locks and cleaned his weapons; he flung back his hair from his shoulders; he threw off his stained clothes and changed them for new. He put on his royal robes and made them fast. When Gilgamesh had put on the crown, glorious Ishtar lifted her eyes, seeing the beauty of Gilgamesh.

Ishtar (Inanna) was the Sumerian goddess of love, war, fertility, and sex (and had quite the figure to match ). She is considered the embodiment of female sexuality and womankind, analogous to Aphrodite in Greek mythology and Venus in Roman mythology.

She said, ‘Come to me Gilgamesh, and be my bridegroom; grant me seed of your body, let me be your bride and you shall be my husband. I will harness for you a chariot of lapis lazuli and of gold, with wheels of gold and horns of copper; and you shall have mighty demons of the storm for draft mules. When you enter our house in the fragrance of cedar-wood, threshold and throne will kiss your feet. Kings, rulers, and princes will bow down before you; they shall bring you tribute from the mountains and the plain. Your ewes shall drop twins and your goats triplets; your pack-ass shall outrun mules; your oxen shall have no rivals, and your chariot horses shall be famous far-off for their swiftness.'

In this next section, I get the impression that Gilgamesh is addressing not just Ishtar, but womankind itself (whom Ishtar embodies).

Gilgamesh opened his mouth and answered glorious Ishtar, ‘If I take you in marriage, what gifts can I give in return? What ointments and clothing for your body? I would gladly give you bread and all sorts of food fit for a god. I would give you wine to drink fit for a queen. I would pour out barley to stuff your granary; but as for making you my wife - that I will not. How would it go with me? Your lovers have found you like a brazier which smoulders in the cold, a backdoor which keeps out neither squall of wind nor storm, a castle which crushes the garrison, pitch that blackens the bearer, a water-skin that chafes the carrier, a stone which falls from the parapet, a battering-ram turned back from the enemy, a sandal that trips the wearer.

Which of your lovers did you ever love for ever? What shepherd of yours has pleased you for all time?

Listen to me while I tell the tale of your lovers. There was Tammuz, the lover of your youth, for him you decreed wailing, year after year. You loved the many coloured roller, but still you struck and broke his wing; now in the grove he sits and cries, "kappi, kappi, my wing, my wing." You have loved the lion tremendous in strength: seven pits you dug for him, and seven times he was trapped. You have loved the stallion, magnificent in battle, and for him you decreed whip and spur and a thong, to gallop seven leagues by force and to muddy the water before he drinks; and for his mother Silili lamentations. You have loved the shepherd of the flock; he made meal-cake for you day after day, he killed kids for your sake. You struck and turned him into a wolf, now his own herd-boys chase him away, his own hounds worry his flanks. And did you not love Ishullanu, the gardener of your father's palm grove? He brought you baskets filled with dates without end; every day he loaded your table. Then you turned your eyes on him and said, "Dearest Ishullanu, come here to me, let us enjoy your manhood, come forward and take me, I am yours.' Ishullanu answered, "What are you asking from me? My mother has baked and I have eaten; why should I come to such as you for food that is tainted and rotten? For when was a screen of rushes sufficient protection from frosts?" But when you had heard his answer you struck him. He was changed to a blind mole deep in the earth, one whose desire is always beyond his reach. And if you and I should be lovers, should not I be served in the same fashion as all these others whom you loved once?’

This exchange ends up being a major plot point for the rest of the story, for it sends Ishtar into a furious rage. She seeks out Anu, father of the gods, and demands he give her the Bull of Heaven so she can destroy Gilgamesh for rejecting her advances and recounting her foul deeds. Anu basically replies "lol what did you expect? Everything he said about you was true, ya dumb bitch." But Ishtar literally threatens to raise Hell and unleash the dead upon the living, so he relents...

I leave you to read and decipher the rest if you care to. I just wanted to highlight this passage to show the timelessness of human nature and sexual conflict. Males loathe commitment, and females are never satisfied. And so it goes...