Summary: Past two relationships have slapped me in the face as to how much of a beta/blue pillar. A lot of emotional turmoil, still very flippant in my actions, trying to get TRP down. Would love a sounding board if possible.

Introductory primer: Neophyte here. I'm trying to absorb this new space with as much attention as I possibly can and would so very much appreciate some (tough) feedback from you all in the community. My end goal is to free myself of this bondage and be free, to stop waiting on life to crown me a man and take the plunge myself. So far, I've worked my way through the top posts and the side bar and now I'm on to Rollo's blog.

About me: I'm in my late 20s and in medical school. I've been a complete beta my entire life though I'm only starting now to reflect on just how ingrained my behaviors truly were. It started way back with my earliest teenage relationships as I was the sensitive guy who was quick with poetry and calligraphy and writing letters but would get dumped for the guys that weren't as smart or caring, in the traditional sense. That type of being-the-nicest-possible-guy-I-can behavior has unfortunately carried through every relationship I've been in. The last two relationships and these past six months are the ones on which I'm reflecting and could use some guidance on, as they're the two women that I've learned the most from.

The seasoned woman: Tough Eastern European woman who's 7+ years my senior with a child, she's who I fell for hard while working post college and prior to the start of medical school. I was a big haired, smiley goof with a budding side career in writing and making no kinds of money. She was married with a child to an alpha type but I could see how unhappy she was. She confided so much about the cheating and the arguing and the effect it took on her and her son. I loved who she was/is, and while I was not in any position to help her out of her circumstances, I couldn't contain my feelings. Nor could she, apparently, and we began an affair that ended with her divorce (many other things played a role, not just me). I was so inspired by my feelings for this woman and the hope of reciprocated love that I studied hard, saved aggressively, got into med school, helped her get into grad school, and took us for a huge vacation to Hawaii before we started school.

This was two and a half years ago, and I felt like I was the man. School quickly beat me down and all of a sudden things spiraled: we lived 45 minutes from each other, she needed help with the kid, the ex was still so involved in the picture that I had to hide my presence. I would play the behind the scenes guy, ghost writing her papers and doing projects for the kid to make up for the fact that I couldn't pay for rent or groceries, some of the stuff that mattered more to her. I kept adding more and more "nice guy" to the mix, falling to the old habits of poetry and writing. What I do love about this woman is that she giving the signs even then, saying things like, "Wearenottrees, there's something in you but you need to grow up. I can see it. It's not you that I love, it's the man you could be. Stop apologizing for everything, assert yourself. I just want to be treated like this fragile, scared little girl. Be the man." I sacrificed friends and my personal health chasing her but the more I did the further we deteriorated. I was so blind to what I really needed to do. We have stayed "together" but it's been threadbare. I love yous are non-existent and we haven't had sex since early last summer. She stated recently that we should just be friends after a fresh round of fighting.

The new girl: The last five months or so I met someone else and have been in a relationship of sorts. She's my age but lives more than 2400 miles away; I met her by chance while she was here and we clicked and kept talking. Great personality, attractive, a lot going for her, a lot of overlapping interests, but several things triggered gut reactions early on. She lied about where she lived and what her name was initially, not telling me those things for about a month or so into talking. She would actively tell me about other guys that were interested in her, going on at length about ex boyfriends and sexual exploits. I grew to have incredibly strong feelings for her so I would often listen and recant, sheepishly hiding my own limited sexual experiences. However, on several occasions, I got so fed up with the inconsistencies, lies and forceful blue pilling ("I had a spin the bottle party with old friends and just kissed someone", "I was at a bar and my friends kept egging me to kiss this guy!", "My ex and I are best friends and I'm on good terms with all my exes", "I have a best friend that's a guy that I talk to on the phone", "You should accept these things about me") that I would blow up and tell her to leave me alone. I was always so, so stupid though, as I would call and reconcile things with her in the following days. Physically, we would have phone sex and do stuff on cam as neither of us could travel given our schedules. Off and on, off and on like that. Things went well, crazy nonsense happened, I blow things up, I go back and amend them. Now she's back up near me for a little while. We met up and had a weekend together with some really good sex, although she did comment, in a "loving way", about my lack of experience. We parted ways after the weekend and she's been super shady about where she's staying and disappears most nights (we had a habit of going to bed together on the phone every night together, even leaving the call on); citing that she's among friends (guys that are married, her being the only woman there) at a bar one of them owns. The last few days, when I came across TRP for the first time, I started trying to subtly use some of the techniques listed to rein this back in, but I failed miserably. She sensed the coldness and the distance and said she needed space yesterday, blocking me from her phone and cutting all contact. I tried contacting her to reconcile but there's been no response. I felt/feel super, super pathetic. I can't help but think she's shacked with someone else right as I type this, which I feel numb to. What kills me is that we actively talked about making the distance work, being together, seeing each other once a month, which city to go do my residency in. She was all in. As I now know, behaviors >>> words when it comes to women.

A little nugget: Despite what's been happening with the new girl, today was the birthday of the seasoned woman and I had a late lunch with her. I called her and said we should and although she said not to come because of the snow [also mentioning that I'm a bad driver (what I now know to be a 'shit test')] I came anyway and she was very happy. It was pleasant, as I tried displaying a little more alpha, a little more stoicism, a little more self control than in previous times. Didn't result in sex because both of us were on tight clocks to get back, but it felt like I was in charge and that she responded well. I missed her, all those years was a long time and I still look at her with a semblance of love and it felt like the right thing do, as stupid as that sounds.

The realization: I can't live like this. I can see that sexual gratification is a big theme here but I do believe I'm after some bigger game, a call to manhood and life lived and navigated well. I'm very much of the camp that if the sex comes, great, but it's not completely my focus (please give me a soundbite of that logic if it reads too beta). I want more. I can't help but feel like I can do better than what I have been, that I don't have to settle for this type of behavior from myself or from anyone else.

How I've been trying: I have been working out more intensely the past few weeks and, in light of recent events, I have more than enough fuel. I've cleaned up my eating accordingly and I ordered some cook books today. Today, I also scheduled a Tough Mudder with my brother, and am looking to leave my current dorm style living space for something more solitary. I've applied to be an Uber driver in my spare time for extra spending money (loans are killing me) and have been reading vociferously. I'm going to go hard at school to make sure my grades are in order to land a top notch residency.

Lessons learned: There's nothing, zero, to gain from behaving this way. I established myself as a doormat, as flippant, as lacking in self control and self respect from the outset and it's been my undoing. Love is a fickle thing and one must see the cold reality of a fantastical desire for love from women. Don't keep your eyes locked on the horizon waiting for a ship to rescue you. Light your torch and get back to cutting down trees to build a vessel to sail away.

What I would appreciate from you guys: What do you think? Complete beta, huh? Thing is, I'm usually pretty guarded about talking relationship stuff with close friends so I've never really had much perspective on what some things looked like. Typing this out is really hard as it it makes me sit with uncomfortable things, like looking at a past life. How much do I even love myself if I let myself get treated like this? What the hell is wrong with me? Everything I've previously known about women and, in some sense of the word everything, life, has been painfully wrong. Please help. I know I can get myself out of this, I know it's possible. I would so very much appreciate some soundbites of what guy you guys think and maybe some advice plotting it from here. Thank you for reading.