TL/DR This is a sexual health post I'm making upon request of another poster. I feel resolving death grip was an important part of my unplugging, waking up, whatever you want to call it. So either read this or don't!

My Experience

I was in a dead bedroom for around 8 years at the end of my last LTR. Times were hard, I was definitely depressed, my girlfriend was unresponsive and frankly abusive, and life sucked. At some point I started working out and improving life for myself greatly long before I found TRP or anything like it. I ignored her and her crass behavior, I hit the gym hard and I still masturbated as often as I felt like. I wasn't getting laid, so I needed that release somehow.

The evening before I flew home from a business trip to break up with my LTR (I had planned this), I hooked up with a work colleague I coincidentally ran into while I was there. One thing had led to another, she didn't want to go too full on that night as it was not the right time of the month. But, she was up for giving me oral sex.

As I was breaking up, I really enjoyed the female contact, I gladly took her up on her offer. This was the first time that another person other than my Doctor had touched my dick in about four years. To say I was ready to go off like a bomb would be an understatement!

Unfortunately I was completely disappointed. She played with me for about 20 minutes while I feigned my excitement. In the end I finished myself off onto her tits. While I thoroughly enjoyed her, I just put it down to her blowjob skills not being all that good. Yes, typical man, never at fault, always blame the woman, etc!

Death grip is real

About a month after I had broken up with my LTR and finally landed my own flat, I made a post in dead bedrooms about my experience. Really that's where my getting out of my dead bedroom relationship had started. But over that much, I didn't feel that sexually charged, I wasn't really masturbating all that much, I just felt completely sexually void. That's when someone finally pointed me towards TRP, NoFap and Become A Man, etc.

I read about death grip. Most of the information seemed to have been written by 12 year old keyboard warriors or people calling it bullshit. But I actually wondered if death grip was a real thing. I couldn't help but think back to that night abroad with that ex work colleague. My main complaint about her technique was that she wasn't gripping me hard enough. Now, given at that point I had been working out for about four years, doing weights for about 18 months, I had definitely become stronger. Maybe the pressure I was exerting on my dick had become gradually more intense? Maybe I was choking the chicken rather too literally.

Well, I did want to enjoy sex. I was very unoptimistic that I would be having sex with anybody any time soon, but I wanted to do something about my now crushingly low libido. Just to note, it was my other half who had the low libido in our relationship, not me. It was the depressing slaughtering final few years of her abuse which completely killed my sex drive outside of pornography and wanking alone in my room!

Resolution

I started with NoFap and admittedly didn't last long. With working out, still experiencing lack of attention from girls, my testosterone was on the up but I had no release. After two weeks of NoFap, I decided it wasn't quite for me. So I tried various embarrassing things to "soften up" on my chicken choking.

Enter the FleshLight... I have no idea where I got the notion that this would help. But discrete delivery, a free tube of lube, I got that sucker in and started using it.

I limited myself to twice weekly wankathons and the rule was I would only ever use the fleshlight and the lube. No hands, none of the "tighter" attachments, no nothing.

My honest summation initially was that the fleshlight was pure shit. It took me about an hour to get myself off with it the first time out. That I believe was half physical and half psychological.

It felt a little sordid. It really did make me feel like a class-a loser when I was done with it and when I was washing it out afterwards. But I kept reminding myself that this wasn't for pleasure, it was a remedial thing I was trying out. And physically because I was very much in the death grip phase, I found it just wasn't gripping me enough, like I needed to pad it or thought I had used too much of the lube.

About 2-3 months in, I was still dealing with fallouts from my LTR. My Mother had stopped speaking to me, friends had deserted me thinking the worst, etc. I hadn't been actively dating anybody or even trying.

Lo and behold, one day I got a friend request via Facebook. It was the girl I had that ONS with abroad, who gave me the "crap blowjob". We agreed to meet for coffee, I hadn't really thought to try and seek her out as I was still feeling very worthless both mentally and very much sexually. I mean, 30 years old, thoroughly under-sexed, that fucks with a man's head!

So we met up. I wasn't expecting anything. In fact I really thought it was a friends thing. But one thing led to another and that night we were back at her place and this time for the full romp. We were getting very heavy and making out a lot when she finally pulled my boxer briefs down and started kissing my dick.

It was this very moment that I knew that not only was death grip very very real, but I had done far far more work than I had ever realized in its resolution. My soldier stood upright and proud, ready for service.

I had never experienced the sensations I was experiencing right then and there at any point in my life ever. It was kind of eerie that I could feel almost everything she was doing down there. It was a completely brand new sensation.

It took me about five minutes before I tried to stop her going down on me. I told her to stop, she asked why. I didn't realize how much I had let on that I was extremely close to coming, the way I was moving she would have known. But I just blurted out something like I was "too close". She laughed and just went straight back twice as fast; the feeling of her tongue hitting my helmet while I came - just damn! It was incredible. The whole experience was marred by my self doubt that as I had come once, that would be me spent for the night. And I so badly wanted to do her! She looked fucking gorgeous.

And that is the mentality that masturbating to porn gives you: as soon as you have shot your load, you don't want to watch it anymore, turn it off and go do something else. As soon as you've shot your load in the bedroom, time to sleep. Or if you're being REALLY attentive, make sure she's had one too and then time to sleep. Enter the hoary old mantra of "He just does his business and roles over and falls asleep!"

But yep, while I was coming into this absolutely fantastic girl's mouth, what ran through my head was how wrong my assessment was of her oral skills from our first encounter, however every seedy encounter I had had with my fleshlight had ultimately been worth it, but also the self loathing I felt in the knowledge that I was done for the night and could only be a disappointment!

I was still new to sex at 30 years old - sad as fuck right? Your definite beta I suppose you could say. But as a guy growing up openly, loudly and comically rejected by women and friendzoned by those who didn't laugh at my asking them out for a drink, having been friend-zoned in my own abusive long term relationship, I had every negative thought a man can have about himself.

After this, she came up and ordered me to go down on her. Another first-time experience for me. My LTR after our second year of our 11 years together had declined every offer I had made to go down on her. Which I really missed as I love going down on girls.

I had read somewhere that women, when giving them oral sex, will adjust the position of their pelvis to situate their vagina where they want to feel. That is following her movements with your head isn't the correct thing. I think this one advice paid of more than anything else. And thankfully, she was open enough to give me direction as to what she wanted me to do.

All the while I am performing on her, I'm concerned I won't get it up again. I am preoccupied with it. I sometimes forget what I'm doing, but in the end concentrate on really getting her off. I would be going to town on her clit with my tongue, softly fingering her and she would say things like she wants me in her. Yet here I am, scared of my flaccid dick and how I wouldn't be able to perform.

However, while I'm licking her, because of how I'm lying on the bed, my dick is just touching part of her foot and I could feel her toes curling in and out against my sack. I was still hooked on how sensitive my junk in general had become.

After a good 15 minutes of solid work, she orgasms. I have no idea why, but my confidence and self assuredness just rockets at that moment. Feeling her body pulsating as I buried my face, then kissing and cuddling her afterwards made me feel like a King. Even as I was kissing her, all I could think was feeling my flaccid dick against her pussy.

We were relaxing and she's making noises about round 2. At that point my fears get the better and I just told her that I'm not sure we can; that I don't think I'll get it up. She's a little taken aback by this, but that's when I just told her that I haven't had sex in over four years and for the last eight years could count my total amount of encounters on one hand. I felt sure it was the end of our romp and that she wouldn't likely call me again. I felt like a bit of a loser.

She asked a little more; while most of you would be shaking your heads right now thinking you blue-pill motherfucker, you'll blow it, I gotta say I must have said something right. After a chat about exes and how much they sucked, I started complimenting her, just saying how I was glad, given our previous experience as work colleagues, that it was her that was my "first" after such a dry spell.

This seemed to kick things up a notch, she said something like, "Let's see if we can't get you worked up again..."

Previously when I have masturbated during my death grip phase, I do distinctly remember my dick feeling numb. Very numb; there was one day I remember when I pulled my pants back up, I didn't notice that the elastic was lying over the top of my dick. It was only after an hour of sitting that I noticed the tip poking out.

If there's one thing you can say about death grip is that when you suffer with it, you just never ever are any the wiser. When you recover from it, you'll wonder how the fuck you ever survived with death grip.

She started touching me up, saying things, brushing off me and started kissing my chest - again something nobody has ever done for me. To my surprise, up popped my dick, ready for whatever life had to throw at it. We had about an hour and a half of solid fucking, my dick maintained throughout the whole thing. The only thing that night better than when I came in her mouth was the feeling of her vagina. While we didn't use protection (whoops), nothing did come of that. But again, it was a totally new experience for me. Contasted to my LTR in the few moments where we did fuck, I felt very limited sensation whilst inside her. While she made me wear a condom more than a few times, the times we didn't the death grip still caused that numbness to shine through.

Conclusion and resolution summary

  • If you suffer from death grip, it's likely that you don't know you suffer from death grip

  • This is an undiagnosed condition. While some may write it off as hocus pocus, I can assure you it's real! My own experience tells me this enough

  • Get a flesh light. And use it. Get good quality lube too. Limit your exposure to pornography if you haven't got a girl in your life, limit your wanking to much much less per week (down to two if you need).

  • You won't know it's worked until you know it's worked. It's weird like that.

  • Lift lift lift lift lift!

Edits

Just to note, that for me deathgrip is in the past. I don't really masturbate often as I have a good stable of FWBs. That's not a humble brag, it's just how I am living life. While plenty of guys will just be macho and say, "Dude, just fuck real girls!", while the advice may be well intentioned, reading back I think my main thing is that I was extremely lucky to find a girl who was willing to be patient with me given my disposition. Added to that, I couldn't imagine being more embarrassed if I were to have a ONS with someone and couldn't "perform" due to lack of sensation.

But for you guys transforming from your BP to RP (or whatever you want to call it) and who are interested in the fleshlight, then I fully recommend you check out the FleshKing site. My experience with Fleshlight is over 2-3 years old and I really had no idea about the amount of attachments and options available for it. I just used the plain bog standard one and it was plenty enough for me. However, as another user posted, the Lotus attachment appears to be pretty high on the realism rankings. Remember the goal with the Fleshlight rehabilitation is really to keep things as realistic as possible and only to provide relief without slipping back into death grip. Therefore my thought is that some of the attachments may not be suitable for this process.

I just wanted to provide some extra resource for anyone interested. I'll keep an eye on responses, but if you prefer PMing me, please do so.