This is a repost of an FR I had posted a while back that got deleted because it didn't follow the guidelines. I Rewrote some parts to make it easier to read and understand.

Summary:

I was invited to a 3 day destination wedding where I knew almost no one. Had a blast, talked with everyone and left a really good impression on a lot of people. I'm going to try to explain how I stopped caring enough to enjoy myself and how that helped.

Body:

Disclaimer: This story is quite tame compared to most FR's. Never the less I feel immensely proud of myself and I figure someone might learn something from my experience. It's a little disheartening seeing FR's about guys having all kinds of success with women when you barely meet any during your average day.

A very close friend (Jake) was getting married and he had invited all of his friends and family for a sort of destination wedding over three days. He promised to arrange transport and stay so I thought fuck it why not.

I had reached a point where I was so frustrated with my social life that I had just stopped caring. I hadn't met anyone new in what seemed like years. I'm shy. I'm nervous and I easily get anxious. I'm quite funny but I'm rarely relaxed or comfortable enough around new people to make them laugh. Social events with people I don't know are, in short, frightening. I always over think and over speak in an attempt to impress them or seem funny.

I had been swiping right on every girl on tinder. Pretty, ugly, crazy it didn't matter. I just wanted to talk to someone new and I wanted to know who found me appealing. Not a single match. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. It is depressing to find that not a single person finds anything attractive about you.

I was miserable.

I've been reading trp for more than a year now and I've been trying hard to improve my life and it has helped but socially, I've seen few results. Its frustrating and annoying when you almost never get the chance to apply what you've learnt. The chances are so few and far between that whenever you do get the chance there's so much pressure to remember how you're supposed to act and what you're supposed to do. I never enjoy the few times I do go to a party.

I was so frustrated that I didn't care if I ended up drinking alone in a corner. It was a free holiday and I'd get to see jake again after ages so why not? Things literally could not get any worse than they already were.

Jake has lived in a number of cities while growing up so he has 4 or 5 different social circles that were coming for his wedding. I knew maybe one or two of them and had only heard of a few others. Over the course of 3 days I managed to talk with everyone.

A few things that I realized

Being judged

I don't know anyone so I'm going to be alone amongst people. This is ok.

It might be like school all over again. Groups of people hanging out and doing stuff together, looking out at the others. That used be my nightmare but I promised myself that I wouldn't fall into that place again. I'm an adult. I'm trying hard to improve my life. That is more than I can say about most people. What are people going to judge about me and why would they even judge a random person?

Every time I imagined myself being judged I always played out the worst possible outcome in my head. If I thought I was doing something embarrassing I imagined people pointing in my direction, laughing, and asking me "why?". I always answered that question with complete sincere honesty.

"Look at that guy he's eating alone" - Well I don't know anyone and this food looks amazing. Do you want to join me?

"That guy didn't say a word the entire night" - I'm a little nervous around new people and probably because you were too busy focussing on the only two people you knew amongst the hundreds of people here.

"Why is he laughing and dancing alone?" - Because I love this song, I'm a little drunk and I'm having a great time! Come dance with me?

I realised that there was nothing embarrassing about my answers. They were normal. I'm normal. Yes I'm nervous, yes I don't know anyone, yes I can't dance, yes to all of these things. But there's nothing wrong with that. It's fucking normal. And I'm trying. I'm trying to be open and friendly. I'm trying to have a good time. Despite however embarrassing whatever I'm doing is, I'm trying because I don't know any better and I'll try until I've figured things out.

I stopped fearing people would judge me if I was alone or if I wasn't having a good time and laughing constantly. I am Jake's friend and I'm here to enjoy his wedding. I don't know anyone and I haven't yet managed to become a part of any of the cliques. So fucking what if I was sitting alone bored? I'm here to enjoy myself and celebrate my friend. I won't let a little boredom or awkwardness bring me down.

If I was hungry and I didn't have anyone to go eat with then I just went to the hotel restaurant on my own. I didn't ask around or wait till I could join some other friends. I'm here to enjoy myself. If someone joined me great! If nobody did, I still had a lovely meal to enjoy!

The same with dancing. If I liked what was playing I danced! I joined people if I could and if I couldn't then I just sort of grooved on my own. Most of the time people would join me. If nobody did, who cares? I liked that song and I felt like bobbing my head or moving my feet with the rhythm.

And besides all that, I would never see any of these people again. So who gives a shit? ¯_(ツ)_/¯

We were all on the same boat. All of us were staying in this fancy hotel for 3 days with all these other random people. Awkwardness was bound to happen so I didn't shy away from it. I embraced it. I smiled at everyone and I said hi to whoever who returned the smile. This lead to many random conversations.

Talking with people

Once I realized that I didn't give a shit about anyone and that I was going to do whatever I felt like doing, it took this immense pressure off of me. I realised that whenever I talk with someone new I'm always trying to impress them or not sound stupid. I'm always trying to think of the right things to say or the right questions to ask to sound interested in whatever they're saying. I try to connect one of my stories to whatever they're saying to show them that not only do I relate to whatever is coming out of their mouth but I also have a cool story for them be impressed by. Be funny, be interesting, say enough words and BOOM that's a good conversation right?

I'm never interested in what they're saying, I'm only interested in what they're thinking of me.

But now that I didn't care, I didn't try doing any of this which lead to incredibly honest and genuine conversations.

The key was to be open, curious, completely non judgemental and to say whatever I honestly thought. The kind of person I'd like to talk to. And lastly but most importantly, zero pressure on myself. Don't socialize if you don't want to and don't worry about sounding interesting, smart, witty or funny if you do. Do whatever YOU want to.

I ended up talking with a lot people this way. I was often not doing anything and alone so whenever I found myself in this position I just sat around and looked at people. I made it a point to never pull out my phone and waste time on it. I didn't care if people saw me being bored and I didn't care if I wasn't socializing and talking and laughing with others like a "normal" person. I did whatever I felt like.

Because of this I was genuinely curious and talkative whenever anyone did talk to me. I didn't care about sounding dumb or appearing smart because I didn't know these people and I would never meet them again. I just talked to them about whatever I was thinking. I met a struggling actress so I asked her about her career and then I told her about the movies I loved. I met a teacher so I asked him what his students were like and told him about how I was a horrible student when I was in school. I don't know anything about business and finance so when I met an accountant I genuinely, without the slightest hint of criticism or judgement, asked if she liked it because from whatever little I knew about accountants, it seemed like a very tedious and boring job. She laughed and explained that it was sometimes boring. She then started talking about her other passions like traveling and photography and we ended up talking for hours about europe and the places we had been to or wanted to go to.

It seems strange that we would talk so much after me I told her how mundane her job is but I said it in such a way that she knew that I was simply asking because I was curious and I didn't know much about the field but I wanted to. Open - curious - non judgemental - honest.

I was ok with being the quiet guy who didn't say anything while everyone was talking. I didn't give a shit. If I was part of a group of people were talking and if I didn't see anyway I could contribute to the conversation then I simply didn't. I'd listen and hang around till I found something more interesting to do. I'd usually go get another drink, find something to eat or try to talk to someone else who looked bored. This obviously happened really often because there were so many inside stories. I didn't get annoyed, these were jake's old friends, of course they had inside stories and jokes. If they seemed open then I'd ask them about the story or tell them about something funny that happened with Jake and me. They'd get a chance to tell their story again or hear something about jake that hadn't heard before. If they didn't seem open or if it felt like they were only interested in talking with each other I just looked for something more interesting to do.

By the end of the wedding I was friends with everyone. I had had a fantastic time meeting and getting to know these people and just being bored! After the wedding Jake called me to tell me that that a lot of people asked about me. They all had a great time hanging out with me. Some of them even messaged me later.

Honestly, I was shocked. This is not the impression people usually have of me after meeting me. Most of the time people don't have any impression of me. I'm just some uninteresting run of the mill dude. I really could not believe it.

What would happen if I could just not give a shit all the time? Every time I went to a party or any kind of event?

Conclusion:

I realised that my biggest problem is fear of judgement. I care so much about what people think of me that I never enjoy myself. I never do what I want to. I'm always trying to impress someone, trying to get someone's attention, trying whatever random trp tips I can remember, trying to not be bored, trying to not embarrass myself, trying to not say anything dumb.

Enjoy yourself when you go out. Regardless of who's there or what's happening. Forget about fear and judgement and be open and gracious. People will be drawn to you.