Summary: In this post I will discuss what a revenge fantasy is, why having a revenge fantasy is detrimental to your personal growth, and improving yourself for yourself vs. improving yourself for others. These topics have been touched on before, but for the sake of guys just swallowing the pill (or guys who have somehow lost sight of who/what they’re improving for) I figured I’d take a jab at it.

Hey imatahigherplace, what’s a revenge fantasy?

A revenge fantasy is a fantasy that is manifested within the mind of someone who has been wronged. For most, when we are wronged we sit on it for a bit and then move on, telling ourselves, “oh, they’re just an asshole, fuck ‘em,” but for a select few, when they are wronged they manifest this fantasy in which they’ll get their revenge, whether that be:

  • Sabotaging the career of a coworker who was chosen for a promotion over them.
  • Hoping to run into that girl from their dark past. Hoping that she’ll see what she missed out on when she decided that Chad Thundercock was better than them.

…and the list goes on and on, they’re fantasies, right?

I might have a revenge fantasy, so what?

So you’ve swallowed (or attempting to swallow) the pill and you’re well on your way to becoming Mr. Man, congratulations. You’re lifting, consuming literature instead of media, you’ve cut porn out of your life, the whole nine yards. You’re feeling better about yourself overall, this is good, but in the back of your mind you know you’re not improving yourself for your own approval, you know you’re improving yourself for the approval of others, whether that be:

  • Your family
  • Your “friends”
  • Women

…again, the list goes on and on.

You see, the problem with having a revenge fantasy is that while you may have diluted yourself into feeling good because you’re improving, in reality you’re improving only to get back at (or get back together with) the person who wronged you.

Congratulations John, you’ve spent countless hours in the gym getting stronger so Sally will see what she missed out on when decided to take a spin on Chad’s cock. The only problem is, you’ve been thinking about her the entire time you’ve been breaking your back lifting heavy things, for what? Do you think she’s thinking about you when she’s sucking Chad off? The answer is no. Take a good hard look in the mirror and understand that you’ve fooled the person looking back at you, you’re a fool.

Life is a timeline that should only move in one direction, forward. If you’re still holding onto things from the past, you’re not living.

Self-Improvement for Self vs. Self-Improvement for Others

While improvement is improvement, who are you really improving for? On the surface level, you’re kicking ass. Underneath the surface is where the problem may lie.

Examples of self-improvement for self include:

  • I want to run a 5K, therefore I will train religiously so I can enter next year (or sometime in the near future).
  • I want to stop spending so much money on dining out, therefore I will take time out of each day to learn how to prepare a new meal.
  • I want to travel the world; therefore, I will strive to live a comfortable lifestyle that will allow for such trips.

Examples of self-improvement for others include:

  • My parents want me to be a doctor, therefore I will hurdle through endless hoops to get through medical school, then my parents will be proud of me.
  • The girl I was madly in love with, who I spent countless hours texting and talking to on the phone about her problems, ditched me for a guy with huge muscles. I’m going to start lifting weights so I can be as big as him, then girls will like me.

Again, these are just examples, but I’m sure by now you get the point. When you start improving yourself for the benefit of yourself and yourself only, you know exactly where you want to be, and the steps you need to take to get there. Once you achieve a set goal you’ve made for yourself, you’ve achieved something most people in this new age of social media seem to lack, self-validation. Once you’ve achieved self-validation, nothing can hold you back, you’ve become the master of your own life.

Lessons Learned:

  • Let go of your revenge fantasy, revenge isn't as sweet as it's made out to be.
  • Set goals for yourself. At the end of the day, who's opinion of you matters? Your own.
  • Become the master of your own life. Stop seeking external validation, as it is a short-lived high. Self-validation is everlasting.