I came across this poem on Tumblr. The old me would've said, "That poor self-destructive girl, just looking for love. All she needs is a good guy in her life." Now I know, AWALT.


I will regret this in the morning

But I will do it anyway

My impulsivity often overpowers my conscience

Yet I am almost always fully aware

Of the decisions I make

And their consequences

I am not exactly mentally stable

But I am sane enough

To know right from wrong

Yesterday from today

Love from lust

Although sometimes I mix them up

I have a tendency to lunge at any pair of arms that open for me

My mind and body often disagree

My body saying yes to eager hands

My mind saying no

Constantly looking towards my heart

Thinking how stupid one must be

To fall repeatedly

Get hurt every single time

And still manage to do the same

Over

And over

Again

I wonder

How many times I will have to hit the ground

In order to learn to stop falling face first

I often say things

That should be left unsaid

I often do things

That should not be done

Sleep in beds unfamiliar

Make believe love to strangers

Get to know people who will not remember me tomorrow

I am gone as quickly as the hangover

I can be washed off the tongue

Just as quickly as the liquor

I often believe I am capable of inciting change

I kiss temporary lips with permanence

Hoping that I can train them to stay

I love temporary people with permanence

Hoping that I can train them not to leave

And when they do

I claim to have seen it coming

I am incapable of forgetting

A scrapbook memory of skin and heartbeat

Of touch and moments

I know not to look directly into eyes

For they can be blinding

And I still

Do it anyway

I know of the risks that shouldn’t be taken

Well aware of their consequences

And I still

Take them anyway

You could say

It is my own fault

For the way that things continue to turn out

But I can make no promise of apology

Instead

I will live momentarily

Fuck up intentionally

Love recklessly

Fall unguarded

Break enough times to learn how to put myself back together

Crash into concrete enough times to learn how to shift a crooked smile

Into something worth seeing

I have been told that a life lived in fear

Is hardly a life lived at all

So I intend to live every second

Like it is the last one I will have

I will write each night as it happens

Narrate my own stories

And hope they turn out okay

I will regret this in the morning

But I will do it anyway.