I like seeing a mother and daughter together and telling them I can get them a buy one get one half price deal on breast enhancement.

I like going to toddler birthday parties with a bottle of bourbon, a box of cigars and a porn video, then asking the hostess where the bitches at.

I like hanging out with a group of fat people and complaining about the negative health effects of obesity.

I like telling feminists that they're too strong and powerful to need alimony or child support because they're not weak like all those lazy men.

I like telling my dates about my time in prison.

I like laughing demonstratively at men who try to instigate fights with me.

I like telling Christians that Jesus would despise their materialism.

I like reminding people that anger is a gift.

I like fucking women who don't know my name.

But most of all I like looking out at a beautiful sky after a hard day of work and knowing that I don't owe anyone a damn thing.

You can keep your government sponsored relationships, your censored speech, your indentured servitude and your financial obligations.

I'll keep my freedom.