Age: Me: 27, her: 23
Stats: 24% bf, 171 lb, 5' 9'', 160 bench, 260 squat, 310 deadlift
finances: 153k income/year, no debt, graduate degree, 110k in savings
Spiritual: daily quiet time, prayer 2-3 times a week, actively involved in evangelism and have surrendered all my free time for the sake of building up the church (all my nights and weekends are devoted to church)
We're both pretty new to dating, with this being my first serious relationship and her the 2nd. We're of course both virgins, as we're Christian. No plans to even kiss, hug, or hold hands, and we're dating with the intention of marriage.
So I've been dating this girl who has a lot of emotional baggage. Specifically, she suffered sexual abuse as a child that has made her afraid of and disgusted by men and sex. She told me that she likes women as a consequence, and that she doesn't experience sexual desire nor find any interest in sex with either gender.
These are admittedly huge red flags in a potential relationship. But let me offer some points in why I thought it was worthwhile to still date her:
1.She told me all this upfront when I asked her out. I originally asked her out about half a year ago, to which she said she wasn't ready for a relationship because she was working through some personal struggles. I asked her again recently, and she told me that she had said no before because of that emotional baggage which she was working through. So she was very honest and vulnerable about her issues, and asked if I would be okay with them. To me, the honesty and trust is very refreshing and shows she wants the relationship to be on solid ground without any pretense.
2.She's actively trying to deal with this issue. She knows that as a Christian, having these kinds of homosexual tendencies as well as a warped view on sex is not godly. She wants to be able to live a godly life and enjoy marriage as God designed it, so anything else is not acceptable. Therefore, she's reflecting, going through books, seeking professional help, and trying to heal from the effects of her childhood sexual abuse. If she were not actively trying to resolve this issue, then yeah it would be clear there's no future in this relationship. But since she's trying, even taking a break from active ministry to focus on this more (along with other struggles), I think she's serious. She says she really wants to try, and is optimistic in God's ability to work in her. Based on her character and what I know about her, she's hardworking and serious, so I have no reason to doubt her.
3.I think God is leading us in this relationship. My prayer and quiet time seem to indicate a cautious yes with this. Moreover, she told me that the reason she changed her mind the 2nd time around when I asked her again is that she had a dream about me. She dreamed that we were dating, and in her dream she felt comfortable with me emotionally and physically, even though she doesn't even like men. She prayed that I would ask her out again, because that dream made her interested in me. I told her I also dreamed about her, and partially because of my own dream, I decided to ask her again out again, which happened to be the exact time she prayed for me to ask her out. I'm not a charismatic Christian, but our dreams were both realistic enough and coincidentally strange enough that perhaps they're legitimate prophecies from God. But who knows.
- I find her very attractive. Physically, I think she's beautiful, but also in terms of godliness, character, and personality. We align in terms of life goals and visions, and both want to eventually serve in Asia as long term missionaries. We're currently serving in the same church and in the same ministry doing evangelism alongside each other, and so I've vetted her character in a ministry context, where she's not trying to explicitly impress me (as a dating context would be). Girls like her are pretty rare.
As it stands, she told me she's not attracted to me (nor men in general), but she's trying really hard and wants to be able to properly relate to men in a godly way, to life the way God has intended. Whether or not I go out with her, she'll work on her issues, but is very thankful for my choice to support and encourage her by choosing to continue to date. She thinks there's potential with me based on how God is leading her, but of course as she admits and I do too, there are no guarantees...
Am I crazy for ignoring all these red flags? She gave me the freedom to break up with her multiple times, and cried after I told her I was still interested in going out with her since she thought nobody would be interested given her past. I fully recognize that it's probably not the wisest thing to do to date her, but given how God is leading us, perhaps here faith trumps wisdom, just as many of the great men and women from the Bible acted in faith rather than pure analysis through wisdom (see Heb 11). On the other hand, a crazy man cannot tell he is crazy...
EDIT: Thank you for the prayers and suggestions. God knows I certainly need them. Based on what you have been saying, I think I'll scale back my emotional investment so that I can view things more objectively. Then if things turn out poorly I can move on more easily. Maybe she'll become attracted. Who knows. I'll continue to pray for God's leading and wisdom. It might be that my role in all this is to help her with her trauma rather than to date or marry her. If she heals from this and I was able to help her through it, that's a win too.
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